This blog is a continuation from:
"So again the reason why I share this part of my story is to show the developmental phase of myself as I was trying to turn myself into a worker of god, a doer of good. This exists in all of us, the inherent desire to be able to either live out our angelic self or express our demonic self. So this yearning of mine was obviously quite apparent for me to have walked the path I did in create this right hand of God personality lol. Obviously years later as I started investigating myself and my past - I realized that again, as with all religions this was my way of trying to empower myself. To try and make myself more than my fears and more than my actual life, the reality of my life which was starting me in the face every day…"
This following of positive experiences to avoid the negative experiences within myself was how I lived most of my life up until around the age of 28. I wrote about most of my experiences in a book, but to summarise I would like this blog to emphasis what I am saying about what I realized about all the years floating in between light worker god's right hand person to demon possessed rebellion. Most people, as I am sure you are able to relate express addiction to positive experiences in for example consumerism, family, romance, relationships, friendship, careers, having children, socialising etc and equally so with express negative experiences in this like jealousy, competition, anger, nastiness, gossiping etc - all types of characters that we can feel come up within us, usually in cycles that fuel themselves between the positive to negative poles of the polarity.
resources one have available. The positive polarities also exist within us as our inherent emotional mind designs. These also come up inside of us as part of our mind consciousness system designs. For example a husband and wife will 'fall in love' with all the positive feelings and thoughts that go with that and a year after getting married will start having what we call 'backchat' or internal conversations about each other, set in negative patterns such as 'fucking idiot why cant he put down the toilet seat' or 'why cant she just let me watch my rugby and have my beer, she is always nagging. ' Eventually these couples end up 10 years down the line, sarcastically referring to each other at parties in derogatory terms such as ' the old bag' or 'the old fart' - all words that seem funny enough on the surface, but underneath we know these words are loaded with years and years of resentment and habitual patterns crammed into one name.
My experiences were extreme in a way because I really went to the opposite polarity of allowing myself to become possessed by my darkest demonic self - literally and figuratively. Therefore on the surface for those who have read my story - it might appear 'out there' - as any person would experience a slight shock or bemusement at hearing that someone has been demons possessed. But actually if I look at it, I see my experience as no different to the possessions we see around us every day. Only difference is we have not labelled positivity possessions or negativity possessions in any particular way, and seems to 'mollycoddle' each others behaviour in society. When we hear about a husband stabbing his wife to death because she 'pissed him off' - we raise our eyebrows because we think 'shit, that got out of hand' but really most of our lives are simply drawn out time lines of events where we focus on seeking positive experiences to avoid negative experiences and in doing so - we polarise between the two - which means they become dependent on each other and thus we keep creating the negative to have the positive.
This I found years ago when I asked but why would we want to keep capitalism the same way if we see how much death and suffering it causes each day - and here I reminded myself of how trapped I was in my cycle of self punishment - how I perceived life as experiences one must have and attain, where one battles against the bad. Therefore in Capitalism, the excuses will always be that life is about learning about ourselves, and who would we be if we did not know suffering and blah blah blah. Really just possessed by allowing each other suffering and pain, for what? So that we can maybe possibly at some short stage in our lives have a short burst of happiness? While in-between we fear the next day, fear having to pay our bills, fear that some maniac will drive into us, fear that our partner will leave us and most people currently do come face to face with what society in general consider to be worst case scenarios.
There are the elite few that make up a small percentage of the world population, but the rest of the population are constantly subject to survival. With survival we have come to accept the seeking of the good to over rise the fear and pain. Is this really how we want to live our lives? Is this really what we want to bring our children into - generation after generation will be born from our off- spring and we are bringing them into world where we live to survive - and that is it. Unless of course you are one of the lucky Elite -but don’t count on it. So - unfortunately I had to place myself through hell, to get to a point of saying STOP - enough. Then from that I realised that playing games with human (or any) lives as part of some sick survival mechanism of the human race, which we call evolution, or competition or 'reaching our fullest potential' or whatever -is just not Life. So yes I put myself through that, but came out sober. Unfortunately now we are in the 'demonic phase' of humanity, and lets see how bad we let things get until we say stop.
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