This blog is a continuation from:
"So, I lived in this little room and spent most of my time talking to spirits and watching television. Obviously the rest of the time I would go out with D either to clubs, or dinner or to a pub for drinks, and obviously was constantly on edge of what would set him off. It was always unknown what would set him off. It was funny, because observing him, I noticed that he really was similar to an interdimensional demon - a being that was consumed with such jealousy and/or rage - that they were completely 'stuck' in that experience where they became completely lost in and as the anger and rage. Therefore, one could say that the being itself was gone and now purely existed in a state that would fluctuate between anxious, agitated and slightly suspicious to full blown attacks all because of the slightest trigger... "
enjoyed cooler days because then I could go walking in nature and he would all of a sudden change in his body posture and facial expression to 'something else' - almost as if he was breathing in a demon - and then he would reply 'yes I bet you love going for walks in nature with your male friends because then you can have the privacy to f*ck them!' and BAM this would then simply escalate into accusations, death threats, insults and physical abuse. His favourite was to threaten to kill myself, my fiends or family. Sometimes he would get on the phone to a friend of his whom he claimed worked as a bouncer in a night club and on the side he worked for money laundering companies who would have people physically beaten up for not paying their debts back. So often, he would in the middle of one of these arguments get on the phone and call this guy and 'ask' him to come and 'take care of a problem for him' and this would then mean hurting one of my fiends or family. Obviously, because I did not know what either him or his 'friend' were really capable of, at first I would try and laugh it off, but the one day he called the guy and after ending the call said 'ok he's on his way' and after a while I started panicking that this could be for real and started pleading with him to stop.
Since that day he knew that this particular threat would work on me and thus used it often. So - as you are able to see I lived in constant anxiety, but the fear of having to go out there and face a job where I would experience the misery of 'slave labour' day in and day out was even harder for me to stomach. This was especially, because of the fact that I had over the years, slowly emerged myself more and more into my spirituality, reading and communicating about my spirituality to my guides and within this found myself withdrawing more and more from people and from the rules and games I found very stressful about 'society'. And considering that my first real relationship or experience of 'love' fell flat on its face - meaning that the bubble got burst for me with regards to my desires of a happy, loving relationship - I let go off the ideal of eventually being happily in love or happily married, and withdrew further and further into my 'spirit world', if you want to call it that.
How I experienced being around even disgruntled demons, which in itself was, especially for a spiritually sensitive person like myself - intense - meaning where I could experience the 'emotions' so to speak of the spirit - this was still easier for me than the emotional and mental games played by and between us humans in society. Mostly, because there I could sit very still on my bed with my ouija board and the 'chaos' so to speak would occur around me, but not to me. You could say I became desensitised to the chaos that the spirit world could bring. I mean, in the beginning J taught me about demons, where after introducing me to guides and spirits connected to wicca on the ouija board, he asked me if I was ready to communicate with demons. This initially was somewhat nerve wrecking as bot of us could actually feel the wind move past our faces as the beings whipped through the air. We could feel them touching our faces with either icy cold or hot sensations. We could hear them whispering in our ears and we could experience, as I mentioned, their emotional states as they moved also from calm one moment to agitated the next. Initially for me (and for J he admitted) this was unsettling, but as J assured me, our 'guides' would not allow the demons to harm us and would make sure after a while, when we were done communicating, that the demons would leave. This was explained to me as something that was not always the case for people who simply used the ouija board, but did not have any 'protection', where once they were done and they asked the demons to leave, the demons would say 'bi-bi' but then still hang around and cause problems later on...