Day 103: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 7

This blog is a continuation from:

Day 102: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 6



Fear-dimension within Social-situations continued:


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fears of social situations into a future social event, thus using a drug, to supersede any fears, reactions, doubts I may have in these stressful situations, to stand in as me as strength and confidence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I will look according to how I dress, my face, body and clothing and according use drugs to forget about my social fears and self judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I will sound once I start communicating in social environments, where I have already created an idea of who I want to sound like and how I should be seen as -to others, therefore knowing that I am not really that person, I now use drugs as an intermediary tool that will support me in becoming someone else, instead of realising that this other person I want to be has nothing to do with me living effectively here in this reality, but rather has to do with supporting my mind in becoming more and more involved in the layers of the ego, where projecting myself as someone else has a higher value than who and what I become as a self honesty living being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear communicating with the other sex, as I either believe I am to good or not good enough, and therefore have created a judgment of myself my mind, which I am now unable or unwilling to overcome as the layers of backchat have already consumed me to such a point - that I am now dependent on a chemical to suppress or bring forward those aspects within me which I want to strengthen or hide.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use pornography as a distraction and illusionary representation of sexuality, which by direct implication has left me unable to understand actual physical intimacy, which results in immense anxiety within me as I now have a database of illusionary, impractical, self-abusive, secret mind images - which cause me when in the presence of the opposite sex to fear sex/intimacy as my point of reference in pornography wass never real or practical.

Thought as picture dimension:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to movie starts, celebrities, etc and in doing so have already compared myself as a picture, an idea of who I wish I could be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare me as a living, breathing being to other in my mind so extensively that the real, physical me, does not in anyway compare to the picture/thought of me in my mind -which creates friction, fear and tension, as I physically react to myself and feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this illusion of what it means to be human, thus setting the precedence for always living in constant friction and fear and never being comfortable in my own skin.

Day 30: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 14

This is a continuation from:

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-29-international-crime-research.html


Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.


To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.

Pedophile Character: Person who watches child pornography as a substitute for male/female sexual companionship.

“ Growing up I had difficulty around woman, I always found myself from about the age of 11 onwards, to be aware that girls are different to boys and from what I had read and been told by my older brother – apparently girls would one day be a very important part of my life. Becoming a teenager, I brought with me the memory of pictures I had seen in porn magazines and ‘adult education’ books – where a man meets a woman, takes her to dinner and bangs her brains out. According to romantic novels he might later on marry her.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the pre-programmed personality design of myself as ‘experiencing a difficult time around the opposite sex’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my pre-programmed design to consist of the pre-programmed nature and characters of my parents and their parents, as those characteristics they accepted and allowed within themselves, which did not stand as what is best for all – but instead became “conflicted experiences” within the Psyche of the being, through which the mind created more characters to deal with the conflict, which outflows into global problems as we all fight against our characters by fighting with each other.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to align myself from a young age to the thoughts around ‘other young children of the opposite sex being different, strange or making me feel uncomfortably.’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a parent to influence children into believing that the opposite sex has a special value or is somehow to be treated differently at different stages of my age-development, through which I teach children to develop experiences as character responses towards other children, which in essence is not necessary and simply becomes part of the game adults play around sex and sexuality as they fight their own sexual repression, and obsessions and maintain the separation between man and woman which is tied into the value system around having money and safeguarding ones surviving within the institution of family as the passing down of ones genes – which is the survival of ‘my’ characters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the conflict my parents experienced in relation to man/woman, as I copied how they were either uncomfortable around the opposite sex, desired the opposite sex or had some hidden agenda towards the opposite sex as they planned and schemed to lure in a partner who would ensure them a safe comfortable life according to the financial status that would be obtained once the partnership/marriage was designed.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, through media, allow myself to imprint into my character of ‘young male or young female’ the discrepancies towards being male or female which would result in obsessions, lies, abuse, suppression, and character formations – insisted upon by the individual as we force each other into ‘sex specific roles’ to please the ego and the pocket – as we decide from young which partner we want depending on how wealthy we want to be, how much sex we want to have, the breeding of specific charactered children and so forth. Thus in designing and living separation and judgment towards ‘the other sex’ and how this is lived through how we develop relationship and marriage – we are programming our children from young to become the next generation of abusers as they too will adopt values, copied from the parents based in inequality and self-interest.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts around the opposite sex and myself in relation to them being more than, less than, special, not special, with or without, hating, loving, needing, rejecting, where in the end I manifest myself as uncomfortable in the presence of the opposite sex, due to my participation in the backchat conversations based on fears and ideas I copied from watching my parents, siblings and the characters in movies.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the opposite sex is somehow different to me, simply because we have different genitalia, due to how my parents treat each other within inequality and how society treats gender as a platform for the allowance of abuse such as in the case of religion, culture, politics and the family system.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use images found within pornography to create an idea about sex and the opposite sex, as if the images portrayed are real and have an actual practical bearing on sex and how it practically functions within the physical.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parent to teach my child about sex, through allowing pornography and the media to become the number one education tools from which children learn about sex, obscuring the way in which they learn about the body and sex, until all that remains is the child becoming another abuser of the physical to chase the experience of energy and self-glorification as is promoted through pornography and the media.




I commit myself to show how using pictures as a point of comparison, only leads to a world in which we will never be satisfied with the physical reality, because there is always a better picture in the mind of what or how we could/should be.



I commit myself to show that the education, family and religious institutions of this world only exist to develop characters of fear, self-doubt, self-abuse and dependency/slavery and to design the individual in such a way that we will forever remain addicted to characters to try and alleviate the fear that was inserted into us by these institutions through words, images and the example of physical behaviors.



I commit myself to show that if the education, family and religious institutions were really about what is best for all – then the individual would represent what is best for all and not become dysfunctional organic-character robots, driven by symbols and images used through media by the groups that benefit the most from the individuals remaining trapped and dependent on being characters.



I commit myself to show that what we call beauty, love, acceptance, relationship, accomplishment, intellect – are all just mechanisms used by the characters who control others to make the individual believe we are accomplishing something with our lives – while what we are really doing is becoming the characters addicted to consuming and entertain the systems of the mind.



I commit myself to show that what is considered to be a ‘well adjusted human’ – simply indicates societies acceptance of the human as a character – and that for us to accept a child as fearing or obsessing or desiring while being impulsed through the media to participate in Capitalism due to the hidden symbols and pictures – indicates that we are not fit as parents as all we bring into this world are slaves to each other’s financial, emotional and mental agendas (characters).

Further Reading/Viewing in similar Subject matters:

Pornography


2012 God created Vaginoplasty!


The perfect Vagina

Day 25: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 9

This is a continuation from: http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/this-is-continuation-from.html

Personality example of a user of Child Pornography:

Please refer to: Day 24:International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.

To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. I am not a user or producer of child pornography and do not condone or support the use thereof - by blog exists as a character evaluation - from which I apply self forgiveness, to deconstruct the design of the Child Pornography user/manufacturer. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up. I suggest - as you read the self-forgiveness and writings - and you have any thoughts or experiences - to add your own self-forgiveness in the comments section.

“The thought to first start watching child pornography came up as a feeling in connection to a picture of a child’s naked body. At first I experienced a tingling within my body, which moved up from my groin into my chest, arms and down my legs. I had experienced this similarly to watching other pornography, but what started happened in my mind was that I experienced the thoughts which directed me further and further into the decision to watch child pornography – thought such as ‘their flesh is so young’, ‘is this wrong?’, ‘what if I get caught watching this?’, what if my parents see what is on my computer?’ and ‘would a child respond sexually the same as a woman?’ As I had these thoughts, I experienced myself becoming more and more intrigued and the intrigue stimulated me sexually. Somewhere from within my body, from my groin and moving up my spine until my neck felt numb – came an energy which I learnt to associate with the fear of getting caught and the primal shock I experiences initially as I asked myself the above questions. From there my interest in child pornography was not based on a rational choice, I found myself drawn in though the response I had to further questions within my mind towards other images, towards the potential threat behind me watching these images and my own uneasiness sitting there being faced with an image of a naked child – causing me to want to masturbate. When I first started exploring sexuality, I did not at any point react sexually to children (as I started exploding sex, masturbation and pornography - between the ages of 15 – 22). It was a sudden interest in the images that developed due to a response from my body, which was then fueled by my mind through justifications as to why these images are enticing. From there I experienced a combination of initial mistrust towards my own experience, but this did not last long as the energy of shame and guilt towards my own sexual reaction, turned to a new thought which surfaced where I simply knew that I liked it. Somewhere from within me, from within my mind I became more and more comfortable with seeing images of naked children, having thoughts about their flesh which I would normally have about woman and then empowering my mind through further thoughts which made me feel alive with energy, as I was pulled between morality and sexual pleasure. I identified within myself – that a part of me was seeing the child’s body symbolically – as if seeing the shape of their bodies and the innocence they represented, triggered an interest within me, which was channeled by me into sexual pleasure. The other part of me concocted images and combined them with irrational thoughts, which led me time and time again after that to seek the same experience. At times especially in the beginning I would experience shame after I masturbated, however if I then for a few days would stop masturbating to child pornography and attempt to use adult porn, then I would almost feel numb during the whole experience and once I would return to the images of naked children, it felt as if my body became ablaze with sexual energy.  At times I would rationalize this to myself as ‘well it is happening to me therefore it must be a natural part of myself that requires expression’ or ‘maybe it is not about the child but about how the child represents the confined placed by society on sexuality – therefore I am responding to an image which is condemned by society, through which I may experience the ultimate release.’

After a few years of using basic imagery only occasionally – only enough for me to rationalize as acceptable and not ‘out of my control’ – I started thinking about whether different images contained different experiences. I wanted to understand more and see if I could open myself up more. I found a website after a very specific search and came across a link to a website where the owner would give out links to images depending on your level of involvement with the website. Obviously as a beginner I had to start somewhere – so I decided to push ahead and after a few months I received anonymous links to images that were very different to what I was use to. As I watched these pictures I allowed myself to feel what these pictures did to me. In the end I distinguished between specific images to which I had specific experiences and from this my fascination focused itself ultimately to the acquiring of specific footage and imagery that would stimulate me.  I found my mind reacting to the images with short burst – which at times were unidentifiable as the thoughts moved so fast. All that I would experience were short sentences, followed by physical sensations throughout my body, and if I kept flicking through the images, I could build the physical reactions until I would have my orgasm. Something inside of me always drove my reactions to these images and therefore the game became about knowing which pictures meant what to me as I had come to know what sensations or thoughts triggered my responses to the images…”

Self-Forgiveness on:

“The thought to first start watching child pornography came up as a feeling in connection to a picture of a child’s naked body. At first I experienced a tingling within my body, which moved up from my groin into my chest, arms and down my legs. I had experienced this similarly to watching other pornography, but what started happened in my mind was that I experienced the thoughts which directed me further and further into the decision to watch child pornography – thought such as ‘their flesh is so young’, ‘is this wrong?’, ‘what if I get caught watching this?’, what if my parents see what is on my computer?’ and ‘would a child respond sexually the same as a woman?’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a pleasant feeling to seeing images of naked or sexually active children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a tingling sensation within the physical body, which is a system design that influences the physical whereby it superimposes itself into the physical senses, back into a mind pattern which associates the sensation as pleasant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a system, which manipulates me through unknown stimulus, to react to images of naked children or sexually active children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design my body and my mind into a system whereby I have attached certain pictures, memories, feelings, ideas, likes/dislikes and reactions/behaviors to the images of naked or abused children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a system out of sex, whereby I have taken all the points of stimulus from within the secret mind, and connected that through the sex system to my groin, whereby I will loose sight of the reactions I am really having from what happens in my groin to the stimulus response within my mind – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am allowing these images to stimulate me because I have already given permission to the system design existent from my mind to my groin and through the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts such as ‘their flesh is so young’ to exist within me and to trigger chemical reactions within my body of pleasure.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed thoughts such as ‘their flesh is so young’ to permeate through my mind for the first time, after which I as the participant allowed myself to give permission to me, with regards to what I will do with this thought and how in that moment I will sit there masturbating, thus energizing the thought into existence within my mind – as it now becomes a backchat pattern that will emerge frequently as part of my sexual gratification game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought ‘their flesh is so young’ to exist as a point of stimulus – because I had firstly created this system design based on the premise of positive feelings which I connect to words, ideas, people and images – whereby I now see, realize and understand that this system was designed by me fully conscious of how I used connection points between things to feelings – so that I may experience sexual gratification. Therefore I now realize that by – in the first place connecting ‘good feelings’ and pleasant reactions within my body as chemical responses to words, people, pictures and ideas – I am tacitly agreeing to the design of myself as for example ‘someone who watches child pornography for sexual gratification.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pre-programmed entity – which secretly connects images, people, words and ideas to my own sexual gratification – wherein my lack of self responsibility with regards to my thoughts indicates that I am responsible for myself becoming an abuser of children – and that no god or devil did this to me – because I already designed and implemented my reactions as physical responses to words, people, images and ideas.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly design my own system of gratification and then blaming a god or DNA or some force beyond my control for who and what I have become as child abuser – not realizing that I in fact am able to trace my thoughts and how I created relationships between physical reactions and images, people, words or ideas.

Therefore by stating that having physical reactions to pictures in my mind – I am indicating that I exist as an entity that secretly connects lines between memories of people, words, images and ideas in my mind – and through that generate energy to fuel my addictions – therefore becoming the leech that benefits from abuse – while I hide behind ‘free will and ‘individuality.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to specifically use fear in the form of thoughts such as ‘what if I get caught watching this? – to stimulate me sexually, through the release of energy throughout my body as I am faced in that moment with the ties that bind me as my own morality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my own morality of good/bad as a catalyst, from which I bounce in-between polarities, thus generating the flow of energy as I experience myself being pulled between right and wrong, which imprints itself into and as me as a pattern within my mind –which then becomes automated – as I play the victim to my morality – while wanting to experience gratification – thus using this character of conflicting morals – from which I allow myself to become an abuser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the polarity of right and wrong as I was taught in schools and by my parents –to experience sexual gratification and stimulus – as I go to the negative polarity – experience the energy of shame/repulsion and then use thoughts of happiness to pull myself towards acceptance of what I am doing. In school and in the parenting/family system I was taught the system of punishment/reward – as I was taught that to get rewards you have to first do something bad/be punished. Eventually doing something bad carried an energy of excitement or disgust – which is then by the nature of the cycle of the pattern – followed by ‘doing the right thing’ within the system – which is then experienced by me as I watch the faces of those who see me ‘doing the right thing’ and I would then experience the release of energy (later becomes orgasm) as I feel the energy of ‘doing the right thing’ and being accepted/saved within the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as child pornographer to use the face of the child who looks at me questioningly – as the face of the person who asks ‘why’ – which stimulates me into masturbating myself into the energy release as I give myself happiness – which I have equated according to the equation above as ‘the right thing’.

Therefore - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use images of children looking sad or anxious while being photographed as picture presentation during which my secret mind uses the equation I was taught as a child – in which I now am being questioned for my bad deeds, which stimulates me to masturbate as I feel the energy of being bad which I have come to accept as a pleasant energy – due to me connecting fear and failure to an energy that build up that requires releasing through ‘good things – which is what bringing my hand to genitalia does for me – as the parent and director of myself in that moment – as I remove the negative experience through the up and down rubbing of the genitalia.

I commit myself to show how using memories and points of reference such as pictures, knowledge, words and people – within the mind only exist based on the character who wants to please self by using others.

I commit myself to show how not living here in the physical, practically in self responsibility – but instead creating vast networks of relationships with images, ideas and thoughts in the mind – eventually allows one to creates characters to participate with in separation form this physical reality – which then allows us to abuse life in the physical as we merely exist in these relationships in the mind.

I commit myself to show how the relationships we exist within and towards in the mind as the characters we have created are given permission to by all in the world – while the consequences as abuse happens in the physical reality to others.

I commit myself to show how humanity and all our ‘evil’ actions were designed by ourselves through the characters we created in the mind, whereby we created relationships in the mind to people, images and ideas – fueled the relationships through energy generation as the patterns of addiction through which we participate and then collectively give permission to each others characters – so that everyone can carry on living as characters and not have to take responsibility for the harm done to and within the physical.

Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8

This is a continuation from: http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-23-international-crime-research.html


Deconstruction of the Personality/Character of the Criminal.


In the next section, I will focus my self-forgiveness on the conscious ‘thought-processes’ i.e. backchat that a person follows from the point of becoming aware of an initial reaction towards for example imagery of children and how reactions coupled with thoughts, leads the person to the act by ‘watching child pornography.


What one will observe within how the mind functions, from the moment we have an initial thought, to the point where we act on our thoughts – is that there exists a line of information consisting of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, reactions etc. – until one gets to the final decision to act upon what one believes to be a single decision in ‘the moment’. Here one is able to look into the mind and follow the time line back from an action or thought (such as watching child pornography) to its origin and how one from the original thought participated in fueling further thoughts, pictures, feelings, emotions, memories and physical behaviors to get to the decision to the act on ones decision.


In my previous blogs I applied self-forgiveness around the scientific research and ‘facts’ around child pornography and Bipolar Disorder. Now I will write out the backchat design of the perpetrator/offender and from there apply self-forgiveness accordingly. The ‘backchat design’ which becomes the ‘character of the individual consists of all accumulated thoughts, which over time become the being as the physical movement and behavior.


The perpetrator/offender exists though as one dimension, one character within the major character of ‘child pornography’ as it exists as a ‘character’ of the world. Therefore if the world exists as it currently does as a conglomeration of ‘characters’ – called humans – then child pornography is an example of one characteristic of our current world. Therefore the Child pornographer is a ‘character’ within the world characteristic called ‘child pornography’. The child, its family, the reaction of society to the reality of child pornography, the police, the politicians, criminologists, psychologists and law enforcement – all exist as characters in the world problem of ‘child pornography’. Each ‘character’ responds in his or her way depending on the role they have come to accept themselves to be as and this is how we have all come to accept ourselves and everything that surrounds us – as characters playing in the game we call life.


Therefore my main focus is to show that all experiences in this world are based on humans playing characters determined by the script within the mind. If we stepped out of the role of character for a moment and looked at what was going on around us – we would be shocked and horrified that we have allowed ourselves to be mere characters in this play called life, instead of standing up for what is best for all.


One could ask yourself the question – why am I saying that we are merely playing characters and not standing and applying ourselves as life? Well – the fact that abuse and other crimes against life happen each and every day in the smallest and largest of forms in our families, societies, religions, politics, entertainment, capitalism, relationships, etc. – shows us that we are obviously not standing as life in the physical – because if we were life we would be and live what is best for all as life – and not sit by idly watching as life is abused on this planet.


So - that raises the question – if the human can sit by idly, continually accepting society and the world systems to function the way it does and not realize our responsibility to change the world – then where are we? We are tied into survival as the mind as characters, in which we have come to believe ourselves as real, however if one trace your life back to childhood – you will see that you have systematically been programmed by your parents, peers, educators, religion, politicians etc. into characters that are called human – but what are we really? We exist to survive according to the rules of the system, through which we split ourselves into millions of different characters to survive in society, the money system, relationships and the family system.


One can trace your life back and record second by second how our choices were always made for us, by pre set rules and those who had control and power over us. We then grow up accepting that the way the world functions is normal and we become the characters necessary to survive in the world –so that we too can become the best we can be – however the best we can be is according to the predetermined, predesigned characters – that were designed by other characters who want to control and direct for the purpose of ‘my life’ and ‘what I want’ and ‘my happiness’. So – we are all creating ourselves into better, bigger, brighter characters to outshine ourselves in a system design, created by those who have gone before us – as they designed the system within which they had to survive according to the rules set by those surviving and fighting before them…. Quite a fuck up we have created. And this character game we call ‘Life’. So - it is not just a matter of observing the criminal/offender and their 'character designs - but to alos observe ourselves as society to see who and what have we become in the face of Abuse.


In my next blog I start by looking at the different character designs of ‘producer of child pornography’ and ‘consumer/distributor of child pornographer’ –and by tracing the backchat/thought design of these perpetrators, I am allowing myself to take self responsibility for the components that come together to eventually lead to the mind of a child pornographer. By taking self responsibility for all parts of the mind of the child pornographer – I am standing One and Equal to to the design as myself, defusing it as myself within the self responsibility that I take and of course seeing where I am reacting to any thoughts and pictures that exist within the child pornographer as I walk the time line of the mind of the child pornographer.


Why do I walk the time line of the mind of the child pornographer? So that the pattern is fully revealed to me, in which no stone is left unturned as a behavior that in time if suppressed through fear or denial could mutate or project itself energetically into a ‘sexual addiction character’, due to my participation in the same thoughts, without understanding of how these addictions are designed within the mind. In walking the path of the criminal I am forgiving myself and deleting the character within myself – in whatever dimension it may exist, so that at no stage I allow these ‘characters’ that abuse life to ‘surface’ within me and become me. By doing this, we as the current generation and the bodies that will bring forth the future generations will no longer create and exist as ‘characters’ supporting abuse in this world, but to learn what it means to Life fully here in the Physical.

For more information on the Design of the 'Character':

Day 78: Stepping out of character

Day 79: Stepping out of character with LOVED ONES