Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Day 158: The Paranormal Series part 19 - Demons vs. Angels part 6

This blog is a continuation from: 

"Only years later (which is where my involvement wit Desteni comes in) did I start to see and understand that there were even deeper truths, which in my younger years I would not have been able or willing to listen to and this was mostly due to the fact that my 'intrigue' as I mentioned earlier had turned into an energy which I had become accustomed to and therefore, this was the start of my interests into all things new age and paranormal - where my life choices from there on were mostly shaped by my desire to follow this energy of 'mystery and intrigue..." 

For more information on my 'discoveries' into the Paranormal:

Ghost/haunting experiences of the past: 

Experiencing ghost/ghosts demons and the relationship to the Mind (now): 

The history of Desteni and Demons:

Sunette Spies - creating a Ghost

So following on from my developing curiosity in school - or shall I say developing my positive and negative energy personalities:  after high school I studied horses and found a job managing a horse farm. In that time I was very lonely as the farm was quite isolated and I did not have a car to go to town. In that time I visited a Kinesiologist and this peaked my interest so much that then and there, I decided to one day, if the opportunity presented itself, I would study Kinesiology myself.  I did not have access to the internet on the farm, so the only way I could research alterative therapies is of someone loaned or gave me a book on the subject. I was pretty miserable in that job, because the work was quite labour intensive for very little pay. I continued to 'hope' that one day I would be able to study Kinesiology and/or other forms of alternative therapy.

Due to a pre-existent hip problem, the work that I was doing started to take its toll on my body. One weekend I was visiting friends and found it difficult to get up out of a chair. This raised a red flag for me, so I decided to go and see the orthopedic surgeon who previously operated on my hip (broke my hip when I was eleven). He said that the x-rays showed that my hip, due to all of the horse riding and physical work was starting to die and that if I did not change jobs I would soon have to have a hip replacement. This obviously came as a shock for all the obvious reasons, but mostly because I did not know what else I would do for a job. It has taken me years to find this job and therefore I knew that going back to unemployment was not going to be easy for me. The reason for this was the fact that in the year that I finished high school the new ANC government implemented the new law that X amount of black people have to be employed over a white person (affirmative action) which meant that from then on basically a white child who left school could not find work. I eventually walked the streets and each building that I went into told me 'sorry we are not allowed to employ white people'. So, an hour after the doctor gave me the news - I was in tears, because I knew that I was in for yet again a very difficult time. I went back to work and told my boss and basically gave her my one month resignation. I felt a numbness setting in, I did not know what to do and this was the start of a very long depression which stayed with me for many years, especially as I faced the following situations.

About 3 weeks after 'the news' a friend of mine who worked on a farm next to the farm that I managed suggested that we go out clubbing. This was not usually something that we did, but he wanted to get closer to me because he had a romantic interest in me. It was about week before I would leave my job, so we decided to go and have some fun together - him hoping for 'looove' and me just wanting to get out and forget about what I was facing. I mean on the one hand I was relieved, because I was quite fed up with being in a low wage job day in and day out with obviously no real future in sight. So one part of me was glad that I would be leaving, but obviously I knew that this new sense of freedom would require of me to hopefully find a job, so that I will maybe earn a better salary. I hoped that there might be a better future for me - just like everyone else does.

That night I met a guy and basically to cut a long story short - we ended up getting closer  and he helped me to move out and move back in with my mom. From there this relationship developed into mental, physical and emotional abuse - but I did not leave because I did not know where else to go. For many years I stayed in this relationship and endured. What developed in me over those years was the split in positive/negative personalities that I referred to in my previous blog, where I delved deeper and deeper into spirituality, the Ouija board and communicating with demons. This was in a way the only way that I could distance myself from my life, from the fear that I was in, while at the same time channeling my anger.

At the same time 'the boyfriend' made it possible for me to study Kinesiology. This was another factor that caused me to not leave him. I simply kept reminding myself that if I left him, I would have to give up my studies. Therefore - as I mentioned in my previous 2 blogs -I developed a 'new age' light worker type of personality, focusing on helping others, as I more and more related to a life of misery, suppression and compromise. On the other hand I developed a 'darker side (Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering - Yoda) - a coping mechanism to not really have to collapse in a heap, where I could vent and be angry and hate.

More on my path with spirituality and polarity in my next blog...

1 comment:

  1. What you wrote is really intense. I can't really imagine what you went through, but reading your words is the closest I can get to it. So I appreciate your insight and perspective into this whole other world.