This blog is a continuation from:
"The trigger as I mentioned could be anything. We could be talking about the weather and I would say how I enjoyed cooler days because then I could go walking in nature and he would all of a sudden change in his body posture and facial expression to 'something else' - almost as if he was breathing in a demon - and then he would reply 'yes I bet you love going for walks in nature with your male friends because then you can have the privacy to f*ck them' and BAM this would then simply escalate into accusations, death threats, insults and physical abuse. His favourite was to threaten to kill myself, my fiends or family. Sometimes he would get on the phone to a friend of his whom he claimed worked as a bouncer in a night club and on the side he worked for money laundering companies who would have people physically beaten up for not paying their debts back. So often, he would in the middle of one of these arguments get on the phone and call this guy and 'ask' him to come and 'take care of a problem for him' and this would then mean hurting one of my fiends or family. Obviously, because I did not know what either him or his 'friend' were really capable of, at first I would try and laugh it off, but the one day he called the guy and after ending the call said 'ok he's on his way' and after a while I started panicking that this could be for real and started pleading with him to stop."
Continuing from the section above:
I eventually tried different approaches to calming him down in these situations. I obviously in the beginning started with anger, telling him to stop and pointing out that what he was doing was abusive. This obviously did not work, so from there I would try pleading and begging and all kinds of negotiations and tactics, to see if I could link in or 'tap' into some part of his mind that would be appeased by a specific tonality or approach. Where from trying to 'stand up' to the abuse, I would go to just trying to tell him what he wanted to hear.
The one evening, when he was in one of his better moods, he explained to me that the reason for his jealousy and anger was because his previous girlfriend who he had been with for 6 years and nearly got engaged to cheated on him for almost the entire time, and with one of his best friends. So I tried to explain how 'loyal' I am and that it is not in my nature to cheat, but obviously this did not work. At this stage I had started introducing him to my spirituality and he started joining me on the Ouija Board, to communicate with my guides. I asked these guides if they could help him and they said that they could assist up to a point, but really that he had to let go of the past, the mistrust and the anger and live. They also said that his 'beingness' had become corrupted so to speak and that is why he would find himself now 'being taken over' in essence by this hatred and jealousy as it existed almost like a dark force inside of him - just like an entity. What would usually happen is that after D would abuse me, he would remain in this strange trance like state, like a demon with his lips almost always pulled slightly back like a demonic snarl and his shoulders would be scrunched forward. Like I said in my previous blog - it would be like something would come into or over him. Then after the abuse - like a few hours later he would snap out of it all of a sudden and would most often not even remember being abusive towards me or would only remember parts of it and then of course be very apologetic and want to 'make it up to me' with niceness and gifts and compliments They suggested that for him to 'find himself' - his innocence, which would allow him to clear the slate, he could try and connect with his 'inner child' lol. Anyway, this basically meant that the guides would work 'through me' and show me how to assist him in seeing his 'inner child' within himself and to speak the child back into him from a suppressed state, due to this entity manifestation within him. So we did this and he spoke to the child and a little voice came through his mouth which obviously was very intriguing and it spoke about how it was hiding because D had made the decision to allow the anger and possession to consume him. D then told the child that he was ready to let go and embrace the child again and D did some form of visualisation (as per my guides suggestion) of how to embrace and connect again with ones inner child.
Obviously this did not work either because after a few days he was back to his usual self. So the reason why I am sharing these smaller stories is to show how far along I went into and got consumed with spirituality to try and solve my problems. I am therefore walking the time line of events, or at least those that pop up for me in my memories, so that in my sharing I am obviously firstly for myself seeing and reminding myself of how change has to always be self and not a 'band-aid' method that works with good feelings to avoid negative feelings. That in actuality - all those years as I stuck to the really odd-ball situations, choices and people I chose to live with and for - this was really who I had become and the answer was always all along to change myself to no longer accept myself as for example 'abused' or vulnerable' or 'in need of guidance' or 'spiritual' etc...