This blog is a continuation from:
"These guides came from various different religions, so for example they explained that they were Wiccan guides who specifically worked with Wiccans who summoned them and asked them for support. Therefore each guide would be placed with a human according to where they were in their spiritual 'path' so to speak or according to their religious choosing. In the end - as they explained it - the guides knew that all of it eventually came together to create one point as Life, but that different religions were created based on how people perceived different aspects of Life and that the guides were there to work with a being according to how they were developing specific aspects of themselves - which would then be based on whichever religion the person chose to work with. For the humans who were more receptive to 'everything' they would obviously draw guides who would assist and support them in expanding their knowledge. But it was not the purpose of the guides to push or influence a human before they were ready because the whole point of 'spiritual development' was that the human was responsible for developing ourselves."
nervous - I mean I was about to come face to face with actual Gods -all of these thoughts rushed through my head - what if I was not good enough, what if they did not like me, what if I was to slow or dumb for them etc etc. You know all of the ugly thoughts we have about ourselves where we place ourselves as less than other people. I asked my Wicca guides these questions and raised my 'concerns' and they of course did their best to put 'my mind' at ease by explaining to me that the Gods were already fully standing equal to me in their task - therefore firstly they had no judgment towards me because this was their existence, and secondly because judgment did not exist in them as part of their 'design'.
Now I felt really exited as the guides asked me if I was ready because the Gods had arrived. I could feel the air buzzing and becoming thick. I felt a ball of anxiety develop in my stomach and I would one moment be asking myself all these questions about me versus them and all the what if's and the next moment I would be trying to calm myself down with my assertive tentative voice, reminding myself of what the Wicca guides had said, to not allow self judgment. I had to really calm down my mind, my 'true self' from constantly speaking out these worst thoughts about myself, while at the same time worrying that the Gods would obviously be able to hear me ranting on at myself to myself, which of course did not help things much. Therefore I could feel myself waning between anxiety and confidence all the time; oh how fragile the mind is.
The first God introduced himself and called himself Deos. He explained that he was in essence the leader of the 4 that would be working with me and that he would be mostly working with me as the one that will be training me on most aspects I need to know/understand/be able to do. So each God introduced themselves to me and explained what they would be teaching me. I felt very humble and very small at that point lol.
So again the reason why I share this part of my story is to show the developmental phase of myself as I was trying to turn myself into a worker of god, a doer of good. This exists in all of us, the inherent desire to be able to either live out our angelic self or express our demonic self. So this yearning of mine was obviously quite apparent for me to have walked the path I did in create this right hand of God personality lol. Obviously years later as I started investigating myself and my past - I realized that again, as with all religions this was my way of trying to empower myself. To try and make myself more than my fears and more than my actual life, the reality of my life which was starting me in the face every day...