Crime's Journey to Life: emotional turmoil

"So, I lived in this little room and spent most of my time talking to spirits and watching television. Obviously the rest of the time I would go out with D either to clubs, or dinner or to a pub for drinks, and obviously was constantly on edge of what would set him off. It was always unknown what would set him off. It was funny, because observing him, I noticed that he really was similar to an interdimensional demon - a being that was consumed with such jealousy and/or rage - that they were completely 'stuck' in that experience where they became completely lost in and as the anger and rage. Therefore, one could say that the being itself was gone and now purely existed in a state that would fluctuate between anxious, agitated and slightly suspicious to full blown attacks all because of the slightest trigger... "

The trigger as I mentioned could be anything. We could be talking about the weather and I would say how I enjoyed cooler days because then I could go walking in nature and he would all of a sudden change in his body posture and facial expression to 'something else' - almost as if he was breathing in a demon - and then he would reply 'yes I bet you love going for walks in nature with your male friends because then you can have the privacy to f*ck them!' and BAM this would then simply escalate into accusations, death threats, insults and physical abuse. His favourite was to threaten to kill myself, my fiends or family. Sometimes he would get on the phone to a friend of his whom he claimed worked as a bouncer in a night club and on the side he worked for money laundering companies who would have people physically beaten up for not paying their debts back. So often, he would in the middle of one of these arguments get on the phone and call this guy and 'ask' him to come and 'take care of a problem for him' and this would then mean hurting one of my fiends or family. Obviously, because I did not know what either him or his 'friend' were really capable of, at first I would try and laugh it off, but the one day he called the guy and after ending the call said 'ok he's on his way' and after a while I started panicking that this could be for real and started pleading with him to stop.

Since that day he knew that this particular threat would work on me and thus used it often. So - as you are able to see I lived in constant anxiety, but the fear of having to go out there and face a job where I would experience the misery of 'slave labour' day in and day out was even harder for me to stomach. This was especially, because of the fact that I had over the years, slowly emerged myself more and more into my spirituality, reading and communicating about my spirituality to my guides and within this found myself withdrawing more and more from people and from the rules and games I found very stressful about 'society'. And considering that my first real relationship or experience of 'love' fell flat on its face - meaning that the bubble got burst for me with regards to my desires of a happy, loving relationship - I let go off the ideal of eventually being happily in love or happily married, and withdrew further and further into my 'spirit world', if you want to call it that.

How I experienced being around even disgruntled demons, which in itself was, especially for a spiritually sensitive person like myself - intense - meaning where I could experience the 'emotions' so to speak of the spirit - this was still easier for me than the emotional and mental games played by and between us humans in society. Mostly, because there I could sit very still on my bed with my ouija board and the 'chaos' so to speak would occur around me, but not to me. You could say I became desensitised to the chaos that the spirit world could bring. I mean, in the beginning J taught me about demons, where after introducing me to guides and spirits connected to wicca on the ouija board, he asked me if I was ready to communicate with demons. This initially was somewhat nerve wrecking as bot of us could actually feel the wind move past our faces as the beings whipped through the air. We could feel them touching our faces with either icy cold or hot sensations. We could hear them whispering in our ears and we could experience, as I mentioned, their emotional states as they moved also from calm one moment to agitated the next. Initially for me (and for J he admitted) this was unsettling, but as J assured me, our 'guides' would not allow the demons to harm us and would make sure after a while, when we were done communicating, that the demons would leave. This was explained to me as something that was not always the case for people who simply used the ouija board, but did not have any 'protection', where once they were done and they asked the demons to leave, the demons would say 'bi-bi' but then still hang around and cause problems later on...

Friday, July 11, 2014

Day 147: Living by the principle of what is best for all part 1

Day 143: From Criminal to Principled Living

Day 144: Realising and Living my utmost potential part 1

Day 145: Realising and Living my utmost potential part 2

Now I walk the second Principle in the ‘From Criminal to Principled Living Series’:

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

For many who would read this principle, it might sound too ‘out there’, too ‘far fetched’, like something that only a person into spirituality or enlightenment would write. One’s Mind tends to look at that entire statement and either hit a blank, or react in anxiety at the enormity of it, or simply disregard the Principle as something that is rather ‘impossible’ for a ‘mere mortal to achieve’. Let me walk you through what I realized about this Principle a few years ago:

When I started exploring my own mind, it entailed looking at my own pre-designs, meaning who I had become due to genetics as well as the pre-programmed mind sets, personalities, and general ‘make-up’ of who I was as the baseline of my mind’s existence. Each human has this and pre-programming obviously means ‘pre’ – therefore indicating ones design that is hardwired into you from the time of conception until birth. It is those traits we inherit from the Conscious outline of the Human Psyche together with the traits that we inherent from our parents and the generations before them.

Therefore one’s ‘pre-programming’ is already in many ways that which makes it very difficult for any person to change, the moment we realize we are faced with a pattern that is not supporting us to be the best we can be as a ‘human’. For example my pre-programming consisted of for example: being a black sheep, being depressed, giving up on life, sabotaging myself and heading into a life of despair and maybe even suicide. I was predesigned to end up being an ADHD Emo/Chrystal child, into black arts and magic, who

would either turn by gifts like intuition and the ability to see the dead into a ‘positive’ life path such as becoming a light worker and choosing to help others as a ‘worker of good’ instead of harming – OR I would have ended up working in a low wage job, with black Emo hairstyle, and a pentagram hidden under my shirt. I suspect that – and this I could do as I walked by life if I had NOT reached this point of change – I see that in the end I probably, if I had gone down the darker personality pre-programmed designs, would have started using drugs or even committed suicide.

At some stage in my life, many years ago, I dabbled with both pre-programmed designs at the same time. I was working as a Alternative Healer to find ways to support people and animals, while at the same time being a Pagan, who practised magic and dabbled with demons on the Ouija Board. Some years I dabbled more into the occult, the ‘darker’ side of me and other years I would lean more towards the ‘white light worker in me’. Talk about being in conflict over ones pre-programmed designs. At all times, however no matter which direction I leant to – I was always in conflict over my thoughts, my emotions. I was, as most humans are, in conflict about myself and who I was within the world and then who i wanted to be in the world but could not be, due to money and pre-programmed limitations such as inherent depression. At times I fought the world system, where the ‘darker’ character in me would come out and fight and cuss and blame ‘society’ and religion and my parents etc, blaming everyone for my locked in feeling where I wanted to just be left alone to do my own thing, but was always being contained by either a lack of money or societies rules. Then I would give into the perceived pressure, and realize that to survive in this world I had to work and to survive, so within this I ‘chose’ to follow an interest which was healing and the art of understanding the metaphysics of the human mind and body and how energy worked. So I studied Kinesiology, Reiki and Energy healing, but all the while I felt constantly overwhelmed by depression – something that I inherited from my father, but which also existed as part of my pre-programmed design to give up on myself and exist in conflict my entire life…

to be continued

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Day 110: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: The Socio-Economic causes of Drug use (Part 14)

This blog is a follow up on:

Day 109: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: The Socio-Economic causes of Drug use (Part 13)

As discussed in my previous blog - when faced with a 'problem' within our society such as drug use - the 'solution' would be to really take a look behind the veil of what is presented as the current solutions - which as we have seen do not really solve anything - to get to the sustainable solutions that will end the problems instead of actually intensifying the exiting problems, into compounded consequences that will drag us head first into an Abyss of human deprivation, suffering and self abuse.

Firstly when addressing the emotion and though aspect of the individuals desire or apparent need to utilise a drug - here one would look at really addressing the 'how' and 'why' of the individuals Personality and Mental make-up. If one look at current Psychology is is designed in line with the survival of the therapist within Capitalism, and therefore therapies are firstly not designed to assist humanity to no longer be dependent on anything - it in fact and this is my second point - profits off of the humans programmed belief that we are emotional, thinking bodies that are in fact dependent on thought processes and that without generating and participating in thoughts, emotions and feelings we would not be 'alive'. So for example if one is facing drug addiction on the basis of being overwhelmed within ones emotional patterns, then Psychology would teach one better ways of balancing and coping with these polarity systems we call emotions and feelings - thus never assisting the individual to release conflicts as we have to generate new feelings to balance out exiting emotions. Where with thought patterns - we have to develop and design new thought patterns to cope with old thought patterns. In discussing how to direct oneself within stopping thoughts and learning to direct ones mind practically to no longer exist in systems of the Mind that function according to attempts at alleviating harmful thoughts - the reaction that one gets when discussing how to stop thoughts - is that of 'oh my god you want me to become a zombie'. No - what is meant by learning to stop the Mind - we are not saying you will no longer live and express yourself - we are in fact saying that the Mind as it exist now as consciousness exists only as energy systems that are dependent on polarities between positives and negatives - which move the being into action - only when and as we are faced with the energy of good and bad attached to things and people. Therefore in essence, the child is taught to become robotic as we give life, people and objects certain values, attach emotions and feelings to those objects/people and only react then for the rest of our lives in certain ways to these objects people and things. For example ironically we are taught to 'Love'. Then we are taught and teach ourselves as we grow up to love certain things and people only. Then we are taught to dislike other things and people - to the extent that we will create belief systems around these people and things - to the extend of harmful thought towards these people and things. For example we will love a partner or child or family member and have these feelings of compassion and love towards them - but feeling nothing or even discontent towards a child halfway across the world who is starving. The fact that the corporations have claimed the resourced of that country and because this child has no way of obtaining a piece of paper called money - which contain the value set by capitalism - that child cannot afford food and will thus die, slowly, painfully, in fear and constant concern for its safety, is irrelevant -because the love feeling does not 'think outside the box' so to speak and does not allow for considerations outside of the basic black and white reasoning we have come to accept as Life and 'Human Value Systems'.

This we call acceptable because nobody loves that child - because it is not my child. So love in this world is conditional to those I want to Love because it makes me feel good. Therefore emotions and feelings if one also look at others examples of how we accept and allow suffering and abuse is a systematised design around the survival of the individual and has no or little regard for life. Again referring back to my previous blog - if Jesus arrived (for real) and asked why we do not love our neighbour or do to others as we want done for ourselves - what would we say 'sorry Jesus I dont like them enough' or 'they are not my family or friends'.

themselves from an energy-reaction based system which keeps all locked in internal

So we have also seen from personal introspection that emotion and feeling systems are taught and conditioned according to self-reward or punishment systems. To learn to direct these energy systems within oneself to a direct living here in the physical - is for most a huge challenge - because since childhood we have been brainwashed to believe that we are our emotions and feelings and thought patterns and to learn to change or direct them and understand them for what they are as systems taught to us from childhood - is for most unfathomable and 'blasphemous'. The energy drops within the individual who considers learning to stop these pre-programmed systems and to live in the physical, constant, free to express self as life. The being goes into anxiety and the Mind will bring up defence systems that generate thoughts which result in the being accepting the thoughts around why to direct or stop these patterns of the mind - is unacceptable.

So within society we see most people addicted to some substance or object or action which allows us to cope with life - be it drugs, sex, entertainment, sport or a life style that allows one to cope with ones internal demons - but most will not face this and wont even admit that this is what we are really doing. We have come to accept our lives as 'screwed' basically and that there is nothing we can do about it and when solutions are presented we will fight to keep things the same, because of the very subtle protection mechanism of consciousness existent within each as excuses, justifications and reasons.

Obviously if one is 'clear-headed' you are able to stand and observe how we live, who we are, what exists within each and what we really look like inside our minds. To do this takes self-honesty and dedication to realize that who remains is me as Life, free to express and live and direct myself as what is best for all. If one fears letting go of fear - then you protect all that is broken about the human and human society - because to step over and beyond the Fear itself has thus far been to much for humanity. So, we even have people who are so fearful of living free from Fear - that they will create Hate Groups and support corporate funded hate groups, consisting of 'trolls' who will go after any person who speaks up about Human-Fear and all its Dimensions and how this is currently the driving force of human existence...

More on Trolls:

Day 328: Noam Chomsky Quote Experiment on Quora with Anonymous

Day 332: The Ku-Klux Klan on Quora

More on Basic Human Rights and Crime:

Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)

Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Day 169: The Paranormal Series part 30 - Demons vs. Angels part 17