Thursday, October 23, 2014

Day 164: The Paranormal Series part 25 - Demons vs. Angels part 12

This blog is a continuation from:



"So, getting back to how J and I started delving more and more into magic: What really got us going the one time, boy oh boy. Ok so J's aunt and cousin were disdained by the fact that he was gay and a wiccan. Where his mom and dad and sister (who all lived together) would be more accepting about his 'ways' - these other family members were not so 'kind'. So, the one day J phones me and says that he had gotten into a huge argument with his aunt and her daughter. He said that they had apparently verbally attacked him about his spirituality and called him a  weirdo and lazy and so forth. That evening I visited him and we decided to 'cast a spell' on them so that the 'harm' they did to him would come back 3 times to them. Two days later they receive a phone call that the aunt and her daughter were driving to town and were in a car accident. So, you can imagine what went through our heads as he shared the news with me. We connected this event to the spell that we had cast, and this confirmed our ability to perform magic…"

As you are able to see from the experienced described above, was that as a young person, I had trouble finding my way, finding my strength and something I could call mine, me, what and how I belong in life. Therefore what J and I did with delving deeper and deeper into magic, was to create for ourselves a sense of self-empowerment. Even if this was merely based on pre-programmed designs connected to my 'life path', which means that certain events were programmed into the unified consciousness field to play out and connect to the life design of people like J and I - meaning witches, wiccans etc. When I say witches and wiccans I am not saying special events programmed in relation to such people only, I am referring to pre-programming as it relates to each and every human and event that has been designed thus far.

Therefore in itself the point that I am making about what I realized about these events, much later on - was that it was not J an I who had actual control over our lives and over this reality, as all people who belong to some religion would have themselves believe. All events that would play out which coincided with our magic spells, were pre-designed to do so. If one doubts what I am saying, all you need to do is ask yourself the question, if each one of has real access to these mysterious forces or religious deities, would we not then be able to change reality as we see fit? Why is it that sometimes things work our way and then the rest of the time they do not?

This was a question that I remember bringing to the attention of these Wiccan 'deities' or gods and goddesses as we called them -especially at a later stage when specific events played out in my life, but the answers, as they always are were very mysterious and deep. It was always explained to me by either J or the so called 'Gods/Godesses that a Wiccan's life is not just about 'getting what you want' and solving all your problems with magic, it is about learning about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses as well as learning to understand and possibly change the problems that exist in the world. Therefore at times they would assist, but if they saw that it was necessary as a 'life lesson' for a wiccan to go through a specific experience or to have to attain something for him/herself - then they would stand back and rather be supportive in strengthening the character and resolve of the particular wiccan, so that they would become crafty at hand and not just by magic. Right…. I am able to see that the response to what I have written here will be 'well then you were not a real wiccan' etc. It is very difficult for people to question their own belief systems, because we have been taught that to make our lives better and to be more and to reach our full potential we have to go out there and find what will allow us to do so. That merely existing in our physical bodies is not enough.


 This is something passed down by our parents and I will refer to it as the celebrity syndrome, where we believe that who we are as the physical body we were born into is surely not enough. Yes, for the mind, it is not enough, because for the mind we need to experience ourselves through energy and this only happens if one accept the energy systems of the mind consciousness system - as 'who we are' - and from there generate more and more mind systems, according to which ones entire identity become dependent on as one 'experiences' oneself through energy experiences such as 'feeling powerful', 'feeling loved', 'feeling spiritual' etc. Each 'feeling that comes up inside us, is an addictive energy experience, just like the feeling that comes with any other addiction such as watching pornography or shopping or talking/gossiping with friends, or how it feels to 'fall in love', or the feeling one gets from having money, how one feels when you win a conversation/debate etc..

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Day 163: The Paranormal Series part 24 - Demons vs. Angels part 11

This blog is a continuation from:



"So with all religion one is able to see how and why one walks this religion and wears it like a cloak. What does it do for you? Why do we create this 'cloak' which protects us, hides us, changes us and gives us rules to live by? Why do we externalise ourselves into Religion instead of us being the directive principle? Is it because without religions man would fall apart? Does religion first show us the diversity of the human mind fucks, where as I mentioned previously religion allows the human our self interest, where we create self interest of 'WHAT I WANT' and our religion allows us to explore and justify 'WHAT I WANT' because no one can argue with me if I say that my god wants this or god gave it to me, or 'but the bible tells us so.' I mean golly gosh who is going to argue with a god? So this is our way of justifying how we want to live life and then we throw religion in the face of any person who argues against us. You cant pick a fight with god now can you? (not saying I believe god exists, merely drawing a parallel between the idea of a god exiting in ones mind and what this means in totality for human behaviour). For me it was also a matter of 'feeling loved' through 'belonging' and through the words that came through either in books or on the ouija board.' All of the above where some of my reasons for the religion/belief systems I chose…"


Therefore getting back to the point of people asking the questions about what I say and me using this opportunity to answer those questions. The question I am answering here is continuing from above, where people say 'well you cannot use a Ouija board and be a wiccan.' Really? If one removes your filtering system and the limitations you have set up inside yourself as J and I did - and you change your starting point inside yourself of what you accept and what you don’t - then is that not just the formation of yet again another religion of spiritual practise? I mean J decided when he started playing on the Ouija board and his guides came through to protect him while talking to spirits, that this is a great way of communicating not only with the dead but also with his guides. And as he explained it - his guides saw it as a great method too. Therefore he decided he was not limited by 'how others practise' - and will expand himself within his 'religion' to include that which he sees is useful and fun. Obviously this for him was a matter of trusting his guides and that that they could protect him and he trusted what they told him. This would obviously be different from person to person, where one does not veer away from 'normal practises' if one fears 'what is out here' or you do not trust yourself or your religion enough to step outside the barriers as set by others before you. Therefore, I am showing that all religion and spirituality is simply 'made us stuff' - and sometimes one would get it right and sometimes one would face problems - but is this not how everything we have in our world came into existence - because somebody went out there looking for it, exploring, asking the questions and testing?"


The next type of question that has come up before, is whether I am supporting Wiccanism over other religions? What perhaps did not come through clearly in my previous videos and/or writings, is that the whole reason why I am sharing my past, is to show how I walked a path of self realization. This does not mean that I realized myself in some religion, spiritual context. I realized ME. This means that as I worked more and more with my own mind and 'how the human mind functions' and it was shown to me how I have made the decisions I have made thus far - I realized that religion and belief systems specifically only exist in the mind and even though aspects of it are based on reality, still the fact remains that religion and spirituality are constructs that support the mind of the individual, meaning the thoughts that move in your head only - that little bubble on the top of our necks where the brain is - that is where thinking happens - and that is where belief systems and religion are created and participated in.



Therefore what we believe exists out there as reality, are merely in fact only in the bubble of our minds. And the mere fact that one 'believes in something' indicates that there is no physical actual basis to what one is saying, and that one admittedly is saying I believe in information that is found in books and in the minds of others and in my mind and because I don’t know how things work physically and I have no control over the physical - I have to exist in my mind as 'beliefs'. For example I am able to hold a coffee cup in my hand therefore I did not have to believe in coffee cups. Religion takes a few physical events and actualities and combines it with belief, which is information made up in the mind about how things are and how things work. And this is of course where things get very dangerous and very delusional - because we fight wars, hurt each other, our children, ourselves and the animal/nature kingdom because of beliefs. Ouchie.

So, getting back to how J and I started delving more and more into magic: What really got us going the one time, boy oh boy. Ok so J's aunt and cousin were disdained by the fact that he was gay and a wiccan. Where his mom and dad and sister (who all lived together) would be more accepting about his 'ways' - these other family members were not so 'kind'. So, the one day J phones me and says that he had gotten into a huge argument with his aunt and her daughter. He said that they had apparently verbally attacked him about his spirituality and called him a weirdo and lazy and so forth. That evening I visited him and we decided to 'cast a spell' on them so that the 'harm' they did to him would come back 3 times to them. Two days later they receive a phone call that the aunt and her daughter were driving to town and were in a car accident. So, you can imagine what went through our heads as he shared the news with me. We connected this event to the spell that we had cast, and this confirmed our ability to perform magic...

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Day 162: The Paranormal Series part 23 - Demons vs. Angels part 10

This blog is a continuation from:



"So both J and myself would confide in each other when we had arguments with family and from there our magic started developing from 'white magic' which as I explained above as the 'innocent' type of spell casting, to 'grey magic' where we would cast spells to 'bounce' what people did, back to them. LOL. Anyways so basically this meant that if somebody was mean to us or would try and hurt us etc, we would cast a spell so that whatever they did to us would go back to them 3 TIMES!! As I said, looking back now I can giggle about these things, because seriously it shows me, how religion shows firstly how effective the human imagination is in created our own self interest, but to also be able to live out and express all the nasty, thoughts and emotions that we have towards each other and ourselves, while supressing our fears of each other, but under the guise of 'spirituality, or 'religion'. Makes it all sound so plausible and innocent when you are getting away with all kinds of shit in your mind towards yourself and others…"


Artwork: https://www.facebook.com/marlen.delrazo
In the past I received many emails and comments on the videos I did about my Wiccan and Demon Possession experiences - where people misunderstood many of the things I explained. So perhaps I will address those questions here, because I see how sometimes speaking directly about my past and what I have come to realize about it - from a 'direct' translation' perspective creates confusion in some people - where for example due to again the 'filtering system' of the mind, where a person will directly equate what one says to their own point of reference - people will misinterpret what I am saying based on their point of reference. So now after writing about my experiences both in the book that I did (part 1) and doing the videos - I will explore new dimensions of those experiences in this blog - using the opportunity to slow down more and to consider the questions people have had about why I say what I say.



Artwork: https://www.facebook.com/marlen.delrazo

For example people responded to my video series where I explained that I was a wican AND used the Ouija Board to communicate with my guides and spirits, by saying that this could not be 'true wiccanism' if I used a Ouija Board. So I will use this opportunity to refer us back to the 'filtering system' that I wrote about back in a previous blog - where to make an assessment and comparison between one person's beliefs and practices to ones own practices -only happens if one has set in stone how you believe reality works and that your way of doing it is the correct way. This will be where we again just like our parents and grandparents, who insisted that their ways and religions and governments are 'the law' - are creating belief systems within ourselves of 'how things work' - whereby we filter what others do through our belief systems and will either respond 'yes that is acceptance or correct' or 'no you are wrong!'.

What I have realized over the years is that none of us really understands how reality works - is that not so? I mean for a moment consider how each one of us came to accept the religions that we did. For example for most, religion is either something that was passed down or 'forced' down by your parents and family or your religion became something you found on your own terms, by comparing what 'feels right' to you about yourself and life, and thus as the example that I gave about Wiccanism, it is something that 'resonated' with me. What this means is that ones pre-programmed personality designs are resonating with those aspects within the religion which would be amplified or supressed by the religion of choice. Thus indicating that firstly religion is not really a choice, because it is something that is mostly 'passed down', and if one note back to the creation of religion, you will see how and why at the time religion as control systems were implemented. Secondly if one is 'choosing' a religion according to what 'resonated with you' this as I found merely indicated to me what was suited to my personality. And within this what I realized about myself through the religion that I chose was invaluable.

Therefore, one is able to learn a lot about where one is not fully taking responsibility for oneself, by the religion that we 'choose'. For example in religion what I found is that it gave me something outside of myself to live for - instead of living for myself and sorting out my own mind and my own life. Religion gave me strength in the belief that deities and energies and cosmic forces were 'looking out for me' and 'changing my life' instead of me being my own strength, my own guide and changing myself so that I could life a productive life. Religion gave me morality rules and concepts to follow - which were mostly based on make believe, but again this gives the mind something to focus on, where I 'felt good' about the life I was living and about my 'standing' - instead of realizing that I was attaching 'who I am' and 'what I do' and 'how I live' to a feeling, instead of just living here in this physical body, in this physical reality. Another example is that religion gave me a scape goat - if I did something wrong I could explain it away to some dark energy or a plan that coincided with some god or a cosmic journey, while on the other side of the coin, asking forgiveness from some god or a cosmic force - without realising that in 'asking for forgiveness'; to another or even some invisible made up being, I was abdicating self responsibility, and therefore not changing my behaviour and being the responsible factor that is actually doing 'the living'.

So with all religion one is able to see how and why one walks this religion and wears it like a cloak. What does it do for you? Why do we create this 'cloak' which protects us, hides us, changes us and gives us rules to live by? Why do we externalise ourselves into Religion instead of us being the directive principle? Is it because without religions man would fall apart? Does religion first show us the diversity of the human mind fucks, where as I mentioned previously religion allows the human our self interest, where we create self interest of 'WHAT I WANT' and our religion allows us to explore and justify 'WHAT I WANT' because no one can argue with me if I say that my god wants this or god gave it to me, or 'but the bible tells us so.' I mean golly gosh who is going to argue with a god? So this is our way of justifying how we want to live life and then we throw religion in the face of any person who argues against us. You cant pick a fight with god now can you? (not saying I believe god exists, merely drawing a parallel between the idea of a god exiting in ones mind and what this means in totality for human behaviour). For me it was also a matter of 'feeling loved' through 'belonging' and through the words that came through either in books or on the ouija board.' All of the above where some of my reasons for the religion/belief systems I chose...

Day 161: The Paranormal Series part 22 - Demons vs. Angels part 9


This blog is a continuation from:


"Therefore when I received this welcoming from J's guides - I decided to follow this positive energy experience. J and I started spending more and more time together and the more I spent time with him, obviously the more irritated my already prone to irritation lol mother became and the more I wanted to avoid her. Obviously this caused me to both stay away more from home and also to focus all of my minds attention on my new found spirituality, to not have to admit that I actually felt afraid, humiliated and 'done in'."

From there J started introducing me more and more to magic and spell casting. We started out with the more innocent types of spell casting (white magic), where for example one would cast spells for good fortune, love, money, protection etc. But as time went by lol, we progressed more and more into 'the dark side' Ok it was not that serious - get the picture of dead cats and sacrificed babies out of your head. Basically how it all started was as follows: both J and I were living with our parents. He was diagnosed years before with depression due to a chemical imbalance and was medically excused from having to work in the system. He had spent a month or so in a psychiatric hospital when this chemical imbalance was detected, and was then released as an 'out patient', where the condition was that he would come back every 2 weeks to see a psychologist and stay on his medication. His parents initially were ok with this, but as time went by they obviously started resenting the fact that he slouched around the house al day, doing minimal work and blatantly would brag at any opportunity he could get, especially to any Christian visitor how he was a wiccan and had guides etc etc.

So being a Christian family - they firstly tried to accommodate his religion, but obviously there were certain points where the 2 belief systems would clash and J would meet them head on with a 'don’t you speak to me like that' attitude and then the parents would get angry and so forth. So what I picked up from the word go was that his parents had a tolerance level which J would at times step over deliberately, in an attempt as he would explain it to me, to show Christians that Wiccans also deserve the same respect and opportunities to express themselves, which Christians had been give unconditionally, due to Christianity becoming the standardised religion in many parts of the world and especially South Africa since 'back in the day'. To top that off J was gay and not just gay, he would flaaaunt it. He had long blond hair and was quite feminine, sooo if you add that to the fact that he would push any christian's buttons with his 'I am a witch' talk - and obviously you would end up from time to time, with friction developing in their house.

So both J and myself would confide in each other when we had arguments with family and from there our magic started developing from 'white magic' which as I explained above as the 'innocent'
type of spell casting, to 'grey magic' where we would cast spells to 'bounce' what people did, back to them. LOL. Anyways so basically this meant that if somebody was mean to us or would try and hurt us etc, we would cast a spell so that whatever they did to us would go back to them 3 TIMES!! As I said, looking back now I can giggle about these things, because seriously it shows me, how religion shows firstly how effective the human imagination is in created our own self interest, but to also be able to live out and express all the nasty, thoughts and emotions that we have towards each other and ourselves, while supressing our fears of each other, but under the guise of 'spirituality, or 'religion'. Makes it all sound so plausible and innocent when you are getting away with all kinds of shit in your mind towards yourself and others...

Friday, October 3, 2014

Day 160: The Paranormal Series part 21 - Demons vs. Angels part 8

This blog is a continuation from:



"I felt like I belonged and that I was being given an opportunity to be someone and to empower myself. This is after all what all human beings strive for - self empowerment, self acceptance and to do and be that which one enjoys. So of course I was very much drawn to this new possibility and of course it also meant that I could escape my life as it was at that stage. You have to understand, and I am sure you are able to relate if you look back at your 'teens' - all of us grow up thinking, hoping and believing that we will 'go' somewhere in life, make something of ourselves, maybe even marry 'the love of our lives' and maybe just maybe end up having enough money to live comfortable lives of joy and bliss! I wanted this as much as any other young person who had just left school - therefore, having spent the last year walking the streets looking for a job, being humiliated, worrying about my future and having a  relationship with my mother (with whom I lived) which was deteriorating day by day as she pushed more for me to find a work and me becoming more and more withdrawn and agitated - this obviously, as you can imagine did not paint a very pretty picture. I was being faced with a life that was obviously heading very much into the opposite direction of what everyone hopes and believes they will attain once they leave school and enter into 'adulthood'."

On top of that another dimension that I was facing, was that since my fathers death, which I had taken very hard, I had slowly, as I got older sunk into the same adult depression that he was conflicted with. On the one hand I see that it was genetic, meaning something that I inherited as a personality trait from him and what made it worse was the way that I dealt with his death. Basically when my father died, he died on the day that many of the staff at the bank where he worked were going to be retrenched. Therefore he left for work that morning, fearing just like all the other people, what if it was him that would come home with the bad news.

That morning my father already started getting his heart attack, but even so he did not want to upset his family, because when my older sister noticed at the breakfast table that he was sweaty and pale and she asked him if he was ok, he asked her to please not say anything to the rest of the family and he walked past her and headed out the door. Maybe if he had admitted that he did not feel so good, he would have been taken to a doctor who would have picked up that he was having a heart attack which meant that death could have been prevented. So you see, even then he was trying to protect us, and this really had the opposite effect - because as the years went by I firstly could not deal with my fathers death because of our strained relationship. The reason why my father had a strained relationship with his children was because of his depression, which came from his childhood where he had to face some tough times.

The second reason why I could not deal with my father's death was because I felt guilty, that he had died for a job, a job that he feared losing because obviously he was responsible for us. So the guilt really ate me alive for many years and this pushed me into adult depression myself. I never spoke about how I experienced myself and interestingly, years later when myself and my sisters finally spoke about our strained relationship with our father, each one admitted that they dealt with his death in equally strained ways, and that it always stayed with each one of us that we never had a full relationship with our father - and that because of the strained relationship he had with us, his death was hard for us because the missing aspect of our relationship seemed to be unveiled emotionally when he died. It was not only about realizing that you will no longer have your father in your life, but was also about realizing that we never had a relationship with our father -and therefore you could say this added an additional layer of grief and regret to our experience. I never admitted to them the guilt that I felt over his death and how I was experiencing myself.

Interesting thing is that when I met Bernard and Sunette at their house for the first time, and they showed me how the portal worked, they asked me whom would I like to speak to. Firstly I spoke to Jack my guide and after a while I asked to speak to my father. This was obviously a very emotional point for me, as I could feel all these supressed, buried emotions swelling up in my chest. I had to keep reminding myself to 'not cry' as I was uncomfortable showing my emotions in front of these people I had only just met a few days ago. When my father came through he said to me and explained to the people at the table that I was basically 'following in his footsteps' with the depression and basically killing myself slowly out of remorse. He then looked straight at me and said 'please Andrea, it is not necessary, please live your life, I am fine where I am now and I want you to live a good life. Please stop.' This was a good starting point for me, and I spent many more months with Bernard's support getting through that point.


Therefore when I received this welcoming from J's guides - I decided to follow this positive energy experience. J and I started spending more and more time together and the more I spent time with him, obviously the more irritated my already prone to irritation lol mother became and the more I wanted to avoid her. Obviously this caused me to both stay away more from home and also to focus all of my minds attention on my new found spirituality, to not have to admit that I actually felt afraid, humiliated and 'done in'.

Day 159: The Paranormal Series part 20 - Demons vs. Angels part 7

This blog is a continuation from:



"At the same time 'the boyfriend' made it possible for me to study Kinesiology. This was another factor that caused me to not leave him. I simply kept reminding myself that if I left him, I would have to give up my studies. Therefore - as I mentioned in my previous 2 blogs -I developed a 'new age' light worker type of personality, focusing on helping others, as I more and more related to a life of misery, suppression and compromise. On the other hand I developed a 'darker side (Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering - Yoda) - a coping mechanism to not really have to collapse in a heap, where I could vent and be angry and hate."

At the same time what had started developing in me was an increased fascination with 'the dead'. As I mentioned in the video series and book that I did on my 'demon possession experience' this all started around the age of 19. I went to a friends house for his birthday party. There I met another friend of his, whom was a Wiccan. I found this very interesting of course, due to the fact that I was always reading about the paranormal and alternative types of beliefs and happening in the world. So, I spent quite a while asking him questions about how his belief worked and of course when he mentioned that he was into communicating with his guides and other spirits on the Ouija board, that really peaked my interest. He invited me to come round to his house sometime and visit him, so that I could see how he plays on the Ouija Board and then he could also explain more to me about his spirituality. We didn’t want to continue talking to much about it, as we could see some people around the table looked a bit uncomfortable.

I decided to take him up on his offer and I contacted him a few days later. At this stage of my life I was unemployed, frustrated and did not know what I would do with my life. I had studied horsemanship after school, but could not find a job working with horses that I would enjoy and as I mentioned in my previous blog I could not find a permanent 'system' job due to affirmative action. Therefore only occasionally would I find a temping job that would last a week to a month, but generally I sat at home and entertained myself with my books. Therefore meeting this interesting character, with his interesting ways, gave me something new to focus on and to divert my attention from my own life.

The first day I visited him he showed me how he used the Ouija board. Looking back now and knowing what I know now about demons and what use to be 'ghosts' I have to giggle - but we will get to 'why' later on. When we got onto the Ouija board he introduced me to his 'spirit guides' - Isis, Thor, Diana etc, whom were all Wiccan guides/deities, as he explained it to me. Lol they explained to me that I was to a 'natural witch' and that it was no coincidence that I met this new friend of mine. This was very exiting for both J (we shall call him) and myself. I felt wanted and appreciated. They told me more about magic and about themselves and a part of me was slightly anxious, because reading about 'ghosts' is one thing but actually communicating with them was completely new to me - therefore I did not really fully know what to make of this new experience. But, I would definitely say that I was leaning towards a bit of excitement at this new prospect of this entire new realm that I was now being given insight into.

The next day J phoned me and asked me if I enjoyed my visit. I told him that I did and that I have been thinking about everything that he had told me about his spirituality and the guides and that I really enjoyed 'how it all sounded' - one could say that it 'resonated' with me. I explained that the principles of Wicca made sense to me. He told me that after he dropped me at home he went back onto the Ouija board and asked the spirit guides what they thought of me and so forth, and they told him that if I wanted to join him and them, that they would be my guides as well. After he explained this to me I felt this particular energy rise up into my chest - which one could in a nut shell call 'belonging', fulfilment, 'acceptance' and dare I say 'empowerment'. Probably here for the first time in my life I was not afraid, I was not subject to a persons anger, or their sadness such as I grew up with around my father whom had adult depression.

I felt like I belonged and that I was being given an opportunity to be someone and to empower myself. This is after all what all human beings strive for - self empowerment, self acceptance and to do and be that which one enjoys. So of course I was very much drawn to this new possibility and of course it also meant that I could escape my life as it was at that stage. You have to understand, and I am sure you are able to relate if you look back at your 'teens' - all of us grow up thinking, hoping and believing that we will 'go' somewhere in life, make something of ourselves, maybe even marry 'the love of our lives' and maybe just maybe end up having enough money to live comfortable lives of joy and bliss! I wanted this as much as any other young person who had just left school - therefore, having spent the last year walking the streets looking for a job, being humiliated, worrying about my future and having a relationship with my mother (with whom I lived) which was deteriorating day by day as she pushed more for me to find a work and me becoming more and more withdrawn and agitated - this obviously, as you can imagine did not paint a very pretty picture. I was being faced with a life that was obviously heading very much into the opposite direction of what everyone hopes and believes they will attain once they leave school and enter into 'adulthood'...

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Day 158: The Paranormal Series part 19 - Demons vs. Angels part 6

This blog is a continuation from: 


"Only years later (which is where my involvement wit Desteni comes in) did I start to see and understand that there were even deeper truths, which in my younger years I would not have been able or willing to listen to and this was mostly due to the fact that my 'intrigue' as I mentioned earlier had turned into an energy which I had become accustomed to and therefore, this was the start of my interests into all things new age and paranormal - where my life choices from there on were mostly shaped by my desire to follow this energy of 'mystery and intrigue..." 


For more information on my 'discoveries' into the Paranormal:

Ghost/haunting experiences of the past: 


Experiencing ghost/ghosts demons and the relationship to the Mind (now): 












The history of Desteni and Demons:


Sunette Spies - creating a Ghost

So following on from my developing curiosity in school - or shall I say developing my positive and negative energy personalities:  after high school I studied horses and found a job managing a horse farm. In that time I was very lonely as the farm was quite isolated and I did not have a car to go to town. In that time I visited a Kinesiologist and this peaked my interest so much that then and there, I decided to one day, if the opportunity presented itself, I would study Kinesiology myself.  I did not have access to the internet on the farm, so the only way I could research alterative therapies is of someone loaned or gave me a book on the subject. I was pretty miserable in that job, because the work was quite labour intensive for very little pay. I continued to 'hope' that one day I would be able to study Kinesiology and/or other forms of alternative therapy.


Due to a pre-existent hip problem, the work that I was doing started to take its toll on my body. One weekend I was visiting friends and found it difficult to get up out of a chair. This raised a red flag for me, so I decided to go and see the orthopedic surgeon who previously operated on my hip (broke my hip when I was eleven). He said that the x-rays showed that my hip, due to all of the horse riding and physical work was starting to die and that if I did not change jobs I would soon have to have a hip replacement. This obviously came as a shock for all the obvious reasons, but mostly because I did not know what else I would do for a job. It has taken me years to find this job and therefore I knew that going back to unemployment was not going to be easy for me. The reason for this was the fact that in the year that I finished high school the new ANC government implemented the new law that X amount of black people have to be employed over a white person (affirmative action) which meant that from then on basically a white child who left school could not find work. I eventually walked the streets and each building that I went into told me 'sorry we are not allowed to employ white people'. So, an hour after the doctor gave me the news - I was in tears, because I knew that I was in for yet again a very difficult time. I went back to work and told my boss and basically gave her my one month resignation. I felt a numbness setting in, I did not know what to do and this was the start of a very long depression which stayed with me for many years, especially as I faced the following situations.

About 3 weeks after 'the news' a friend of mine who worked on a farm next to the farm that I managed suggested that we go out clubbing. This was not usually something that we did, but he wanted to get closer to me because he had a romantic interest in me. It was about week before I would leave my job, so we decided to go and have some fun together - him hoping for 'looove' and me just wanting to get out and forget about what I was facing. I mean on the one hand I was relieved, because I was quite fed up with being in a low wage job day in and day out with obviously no real future in sight. So one part of me was glad that I would be leaving, but obviously I knew that this new sense of freedom would require of me to hopefully find a job, so that I will maybe earn a better salary. I hoped that there might be a better future for me - just like everyone else does.

That night I met a guy and basically to cut a long story short - we ended up getting closer  and he helped me to move out and move back in with my mom. From there this relationship developed into mental, physical and emotional abuse - but I did not leave because I did not know where else to go. For many years I stayed in this relationship and endured. What developed in me over those years was the split in positive/negative personalities that I referred to in my previous blog, where I delved deeper and deeper into spirituality, the Ouija board and communicating with demons. This was in a way the only way that I could distance myself from my life, from the fear that I was in, while at the same time channeling my anger.

At the same time 'the boyfriend' made it possible for me to study Kinesiology. This was another factor that caused me to not leave him. I simply kept reminding myself that if I left him, I would have to give up my studies. Therefore - as I mentioned in my previous 2 blogs -I developed a 'new age' light worker type of personality, focusing on helping others, as I more and more related to a life of misery, suppression and compromise. On the other hand I developed a 'darker side (Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering - Yoda) - a coping mechanism to not really have to collapse in a heap, where I could vent and be angry and hate.


More on my path with spirituality and polarity in my next blog...

Friday, September 19, 2014

Day 157: The Paranormal Series part 18 - Demons vs. Angels part 5

Todays blog is a continuation from:





"Children are not born believing that an Allah or a Jesus or a Satan sits somewhere above (or below) them watching their every move, punishing them at random  times if their bad (or good?) behaviour and removes all responsibility fro them just because 'they worship' and thus allows them to participate in a world where cause and effect is the law, but because of 'beLIEve',  cause and effect apparently does not touch the religious . Children are not born believing that animals are there for us (created by the invisible dude in the sky) to do with as we please. I could keep going with examples, but I think you get what I am saying…"



So getting back to my filters. I remember reading books on the paranormal and being completely perplexed and dumfounded that such things could exist. Now this is where I bring in my above mentioned point about religion and brainwashing. Maybe, just maybe, if my parents has not been brainwashed to fear god and to fear ghosts, but to embrace the reality of the situation - which is that there is no real proof of god - therefore you don’t have to lie about who you are in this life, and to not fear questioning why would god leave spirits to roam the earth in confusion - because questioning 'god' is a taboo topic - then maybe I would have had the confidence to ask the questions relevant to understanding the paranormal. But instead I had to buy books in town and read alone, pondering to myself what all of this could mean. You did not ask adults, because by golly - you just don’t ask those kinds of questions and if you do -you get very short answers such as 'ghosts don’t exist', or 'it is gods will(?), or 'don’t ask me ask your father', or 'don’t speak about that', 'it is of the devil'…. LOL I remember once in school either myself or another child took out some book about devil worship from the library. A few days later another child also took out a book about the occult and this put up a red flag for the school and all books on the occult/devil worship were duly removed. Children were being influenced by the devil! So obviously, I was aware that such topics were frowned upon and leaned towards developing quiet ways of buying books and reading by myself.

So the point I am getting at is that I like most children, never really dealt with the actuality of the truth behind the paranormal, because not even my parents, siblings or other adults I came into contact with had a clue about the paranormal and why it existed, and thus my interest turned into an ENERGY - a weird dark -as I called it before 'macabre' energy that sat in my chest and in my belly it transformed into a ball of anxiety as excitement as I was faced with this strange, ultimately unclear 'realm'. Even into my early adulthood I held onto this energy and by then it transformed into a 'look at what I am into' energy as I become a bit of a rebel against society and wore my 'paranormal' interest like a badge and ultimately a shield - which protected me from increased paranoia about boys and peer pressures and the increased pressure to do well in school. I believed that I was special and cool because I did not have a religion and dared to lift the covers and look at what was underneath the bed. Obviously I did not really see what was under the covers because I did not have a frame of reference at that stage of what could possibly be going on. In my mind, I too (like the adults) had mere frames of reference and unfortunately they were pretty much also based around 'demons are bad', and angels are good.

Only years later (which is where my involvement wit Desteni comes in) do I start to see and understand that there were even deeper truths, which in my younger years I would not have been able or willing to listen to and this was mostly due to the fact that my 'intrigue' as I mentioned earlier had turned into an energy which I had become accustomed to and therefore, this was the start of my interests into all things new age and paranormal - where my life choices from there on were mostly shaped by my desire to follow this energy of 'mystery and intrigue.' More in my next blog…

Day 156: The Paranormal Series part 17 - Demons vs. Angels part 4

Today's blog is a continuation from:



"In the next part I would like to also address personal experience with regards to what Mykey mentions when he speaks about 'people following the energy' which is why we have 'spirituality' because this definitely related to me as well as the point he speaks about when he says that demons could change their vibrations so that of the same energy as beings that came from 'heaven' - I have an interesting story to share there as well."


So in the previous blog I mentioned that I would like to share my own experiences around 'following the energy' -and by this I am not only referring to the positive 'light worker' type energy, but also the dark demonic energies.


As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I always moved around and within polarities when it came to spirituality - depending on my mind set and what my current economic situation allowed. For example if I was in a stage/state in my life where I was trying to make a life for myself, I would go after the positive energy (which I will speak about more further down). Then as things would crash and I would find myself yet again bored with my life or afraid or angry then I would swing towards the negative. Heck - looking back now - I remember finding a balance between the 2 points and living both - lol. Yes, I would play around on the Ouija Board talking to demons about how bad life is and how everything sucked - while my profession was a Kinesiologist and 'healer'. This obviously happened, as I have come to realize because I was (as most are) in conflict about who I was and how I was living versus what I wanted to be.

So I am now going to take a look back at how I designed these 2 different energy-polarity personalities. My earliest memories of starting an interest in the Paranormal was probably already around the age of 8/9. It started with me watching tv shows like 'Sightings' and 'Ripley's believe it or not' which peaked my interest in the unknown, the bizarre and the unbelievable. From there I started buying books on ghosts and the paranormal and definitely developed a fascination leaning more towards ghosts/poltergeists/demons than UFO's and the rest. I remember the feeling now - it was always in the centre of my chest - this energy which if I could describe it was 'macabre', 'anxious' and 'mysterious'. The anxious energy specifically related to 'the unknown', in dealing with or coming into contact with things 'out there' that were invisible and I did not know when or how it could interact with me. I supposed one could say that those were typical childhood interests in anything that peaked an interest and stimulated the imagination.

I also recognise the energy as being that of 'curiosity' and 'intrigue' - where as a young person my mind was obviously being trained by my parents, society, teachers and my religion to not have and develop common sense or to even really ever know or stand within the truth of things - but to be an observer in life or 'that which gives life meaning' - meaning have you noticed how we as humanity value that which supports the lies we hold onto and therefore if anything is being faced - the mind will have difficulty grasping the straight truth, as it will filter what is happening through how we are programmed to deal with reality? For example (for those of you thinking huh?); as children our parents think we are pretty dam stupid. They tell us bald faced lies about god and money and love and how the system works and about fake human values etc… As a child we often question these values and norms - because as they say 'the mind of a child is innocent' -which essentially means the child has initially not been trained to bring up bulshit filters to filter the truth of situations -and therefore will directly ask questions. The parent/caretaker/adult will mould the perceptual abilities of a child and in some religions and cultures even abuse children verbally, physically and emotionally - until the child beLIEves the same mumbo jumbo as the parent.

This is Brainwashing ladies and gentle man - at its best. And here we tend to vilify groups - where we call them 'cults who brainwash people' - but this is exactly what happens to children in almost every house hold. The child is not born believing in invisible gods and worshiping money over all life - they are taught this by the parents and society. Literally the parent takes a child's fresh, clean, blank mind and washes through it with knowledge and information that have absolutely nothing to do with this physical reality and which harm the physical reality extensively. To give you an example: a child is not born beLIEving that little blond girls are prettier than girls with brown hair - this is brainwashed into children to prepare them, as the adult had to do to become brood-stock to be picked by the strongest man with the most stable income to provide for her so she can make babies (sounds crude but hey when the shoe fits…).


Children are not born believing that an Allah or a Jesus or a Satan sits somewhere above (or below) them watching their every move, punishing them at random times if their bad (or good?) behaviour and removes all responsibility fro them just because 'they worship' and thus allows them to participate in a world where cause and effect is the law, but because of 'beLIEve', cause and effect apparently does not touch the religious . Children are not born believing that animals are there for us (created by the invisible dude in the sky) to do with as we please. I could keep going with examples, but I think you get what I am saying...

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Day 155: Living by the principle of what is best for all part 6

Previous Blogs in this series:



Artwork by: https://www.facebook.com/rozelle.delange
"Next blog: walking an example of  Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all"



An example:

Years ago I came the realization that pornography is an abusive practice which has many consequential outflows for all of society and the individual - and that most of these consequences are not considered by humanity, due to us firstly allowing ourselves to be addicted to sex, masturbation and relationships/marriage, and therefore on a societal level, pornography might cause eyes to role and the occasional smirk, but it is never really directed, because most participate in some form of sexual addiction, be it on the internet or in your own relationship-dynamics.

Secondly, as I mentioned in a previous blog - due to this secretive allowance of sexual addictions (and most additions for that mater) we tend to not bother to walk the time lines of consequences that have played out and continue to manifest in the lives of individuals and the impact on society since the start/invention and the 'evolution' of pornography and sexuality into what it is today. So looking at all the dimensions of sex and sex addiction, I realize for myself that what existed as the pieces of the puzzle which made up the human psychological dimensions of sex addiction, existed in myself as well. Therefore, I could completely relate to my own experience of addiction to sex energy and all of the dimensions linked to personal values and the ideas behind what it means to be a ''woman. So how could I continue to 'judge' or 'condemn' or want pornography and sex abuse to be stopped, if I myself also existed within the same mind-systems as any other person who would participate in sex and sexual abuse.

This is where I started peeling the layers of my own mind with regards to 'addiction' and specifically for this example the addiction both to 'the desire for relationship' as well as the addiction to masturbation. Now what I am walking here is not in-depth - meaning how we have structured our understanding of 'how the mind works' - is done in course form and in interviews, therefore what I share here are more basic overviews and insights into the process of understanding and self change that I have walked thus far. So, when realized that for the world to change I have to change, I could therefore not say no to challenging my own pre-designs with regards to who I had become as my thoughts, words and deeds.

Therefore in this example around sexuality, I peeled the layers of how I currently viewed and experienced sex and masturbation. I found there were many layers to my experiences - therefore I took one experience at a time and walked the creational time lines of how it started - the years and moments in my youth, where experiences around sex and masturbation - were taken in by my mind and together with other pre-programmed mind systems, turned into my specific character and personalities around sexuality. For example what I noticed as I walked backwards in time was that like most people I grew up developing conflicted, morality views on sexuality. From there I had experiences like most people that involved boys, and what contributed to my sexual development were the specific mind experiences which all eventually for each individual fit together like puzzle pieces to one day down the line (the 'now') combine and become a pre-programmed design which in specific moments when faced with for example sexuality will literally 'come up' from the back of the mind as thoughts, which lead to emotional experiences and reactions, which influence ones behaviour, combined with the energy that moves through the physical especially around the sexual organs. This we then perceive as 'natural responses' or 'who we are' or our 'god given designs' - however we don’t see that most of our experiences are programmed into us from firstly the experiences and life time fears and belief systems passed down in our DNA from our parents, and secondly as I mentioned previously from moments of experiences we have as we grow up - where the mind creates itself from quantum moments.

So to cut a long story short - I was able to then after writing out the 'how' my sexual ideals, desires and addictions were created -apply self forgives on the various dimensions of the design - which as I started above is to much to go into now, so I will simply stick to how this allowed me to change from sexual addiction to sexual self expression. Which means that I worked with removing all the layers that made up my sexuality to get back to a purified me within sexuality, where I was not being moved by memories or societal ideas or fears etc, to get to a point where my thoughts about sexuality were not based on anything other then me here in physical self expression. The same then for my deeds - where I through removing these layers by applying the self forgiveness, stopped the movement of sex-energy which would drive and manipulate me towards looking for a partner and words, where I no longer participated in sex talk with my partner, as I realized that was part of the energy-matrix design where one 'builds up energy' which is connected to the secret mind where we store all our nasty imagery and symbols about sex, which largely comes from (and this is an example of what I referred to above about influences and moments from the past that make up your design of who you are now) - pornography, movies, television etc…

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