Monday, August 31, 2015

Day 211: Relationship Dynamics| The Emotional Turmoil Years

Continuation from:

Now moving on from the high school crushes, I want to talk about the rest and remaining of my 'relationship years', which all seemed to steep into dark emotional abusive turmoil. Here I realized years later that I was delving head first into a design constructed by me in my adolescence, based on the strange thwarted relationship I had with my father. I have done blogs here and there that touched on my relationship with my father and these blogs mostly discussed my experience in relation to his death and the years leading up to his death.

Now what I realized after reflecting on all of my relationships into adulthood, was that my distant relationship I had with my father, created a strange dynamic within me, with regards to how I viewed 'relationships with men'. My father suffered from depression and this was the reason why he had a very distant relationship with me. I have mentioned in a previous blog that for a child, their relationship with their parents becomes the basis from which they develop their own personalities and future relationships in general. So for example when parents fight and argue and use sarcasm and resentment towards each other, the children from a very, very young age pick up on this and start integrating this as 'puzzle pieces' or 'bricks' into the foundation of their living words -meaning these things they see, hear and perceive from their parents make up the words in their own vocabulary, which the child then integrates into their own living expression later on as their basic personalities. So watching and hearing your parents fight and use sarcasm and ugliness for example will integrate into the child's personality with regards to 'relationship dynamics'.

From there the child will adapt and learn either directly from what they see and hear - meaning they too will learn these relationship dynamics and make it 'who they are' - or they will learn opposite coping mechanisms and will then alter themselves or attract partners that represent the parent and they themselves represent the fear and insecurity they experienced as a child.

These mechanisms again will depend on the child's main personality designs. A combination of designs existent within each one of us from childhood determine how we adapt to these childhood influences, in how we integrate them into our personalities. Therefore the one child might be an introverted personality, with dependence traits, who likes to suppress their feelings. Into this they take what they witnessed in their home environment and together with these 'base' personality programs with take on the victim to the partner who blames and argues - and they will then remain as the child - fearing the arguments but also as maybe the mother or father doing, looking for ways to please the angry parent by becoming submissive, using specific placating words or changing their behavior to pleas the other. And therefore later in 'adult life' we are still stuck as the child living out our parents patterns with us as the participant.

Or you might have a child who has a more dominant personality, growing up to be out going and more assertive. Here the adult might become the one parent they saw was the more dominant one within the patterns of conflict. This is where we say 'I will never become like my mother'/father' (usually in our teenage years) and then when we blink again, this is exactly what we become. So these personality designs are multi-dimensional and I have only given 2 examples here. Each person is able to relate to how they incorporated the personality traits of their parents into their already pre-existent designs.

Myself for example I saw my parents being distant towards each other and their children. I saw fear about money and suppression of self expression. I saw resentment and coldness etc… This I incorporated into my own personality design, which meant that I walked down a path of abuse and emotional turmoil whilst sometimes being my father who was cold and depressed and at other times my mother who was reactive and needing validation. These cycles would play out over years and I noticed that each boyfriend I chose, was a part of these dynamics.

For example there was the first serious boyfriend after school - who was charming and romantic and then turned into an abuser who I think could have been bordering on some form of a 'delusional disorder'. He had bouts of extreme paranoia and delusions about people wanting to hurt him and plotting against him and he would often fly into a fit of rage saying that I had been out cheating on him. This he would then react to with threats of violence and emotional/mental bullying. What I did in these years is I took on the understanding of relationships I had learnt from my parents. I saw that my father was distant towards me and hesitated real intimacy and therefore to me this was 'love'. Therefore when the boyfriend became abusive, I thought this was normal. My own 'disorder of disillusion' from my childhood drew to me a partner who manifested what existed with me. Also because as in most families there was a fear of money I grew up absolutely hating money, not wanting anything to do with money but also therefore creating absolute dependency on the boyfriend who was threatening to kill me at least once a month -for financial support. So, even by the time I snapped out of the delusion that this was not 'love' I realized I was completely dependent on him for money both because at the time I could not find work (we were going through affirmative action in South Africa), plus my hatred and fear of money caused me to shy away from really pushing for any job I could find.

So in the years that followed after the ending of that relationship, I picked men that were also somewhat obsessive and/or emotionally unstable. Mostly the partners experienced difficulties with intimacy and subtle degrees of obsessiveness. So how I worked with myself in the later years is I allowed myself to lean about who I was in the types of men I picked. I realized my tendencies towards emotional turmoil, abusive patterns and fear of intimacy. Therefore by walking through these relationships and even when it got tough using them as self support to change myself was invaluable. Otherwise how does one expect to change the patterns if you don’t learn somehow from your internal and external realities. So after each relationship ended I would reflect and apply self forgiveness and my self corrective statements. Then I would enter a new relationship if the opportunity arose - being diligent in looking for the points of change within myself and therefore not picking the same characters again. Then what would happen is I would see where my corrections were not 100% because an old pattern would re-surface, usually a bit changed and sometimes watered down. This showed me that there were still some designs active even though their 'charge' was not so strong any more. The new relationships allowed me to then see what new patterns would open up. For example the dynamic of mental, emotional and physical abuse as it was in the first relationship changed, but was now more subtle in relation to it still showing me my self esteem was not 100% and therefore my partner and I would eventually build up resentments and be subtle about self-abuse which is prevalent in most relationships, in the way we eventually speak to each other and have ugly thoughts about each other. So I again went back to the drawing board each time, looking at what this was showing about me.

It was not easy - realize that when you are in the relationship you are dealing with all your reactions and fears and emotions, plus I was trying to address them to a deeper level back to my childhood - to the core of 'who I was really' - not the charming, loving person I was trying to project into this new relationship - rather the cold, angry bitch that was out to crush a man like a twig once he started manifesting my old patterns. So the cycles would change or repeat in lesser degrees and each time after it ended I would cry and feel emotional and then when the storm would subside I would start reflecting and changing myself. Each time I would then look at a potential new partner I would not know for sure what would happen, you really cannot say - but you can trust yourself enough that you know you will keep on applying yourself and even if it all goes pear-shaped - you will learn and change.

So - when I speak to people and they say to me that they feel bad and disillusioned by the idea of ending their relationship - like it is a token of 'failure' - I tell them that I see it mostly as the exact opposite. Obviously I am not saying to end a relationship just because it is tough. I think one should give it your best and develop all your skills while in the relationship and only end it if you see that you have applied yourself, but things have changed to such a degree that it would be best if both walked away - that 'starting over' or 'reconciliation' is not possible for one or both people. For example - lets say into the relationship you see your patterns of self abuse or self victimization. Now you work at changing this but in the course of changing it an interesting thing happens - as you change your partner des not - and they remain the same (or the other way around where they change and you do not). Now you are living with your old pattern whilst you are realizing you don’t want to live that any more. Another scenario I faced and that many face, is that change becomes hampered by to much resentment and to much 'mind clatter' based on the past. *Please note these examples could pertain to either yourself or the other person. For example you set out to change yourself in relation to for example 'I will not bully my partner'. Now you stop yourself daily, but the partner resents you for the 'past' and each time you now clearly communicate (not bullying) the partner shoots off and the entire conversation is sabotaged because the partner only knows bullying and does not trust that you have changed. Now you find yourself compromising your communication to be even more subtle and calm, this having the consequence of resentment and one day you snap…. So this is just one example of a dynamic that plays out where things get too muddled. Often people then take a break from each other and in discussion with people, we have spoken about unconditionally starting again - meaning each one stops their patterns and if for example one of you go into an old behavior the other person points it out - (whilst checking their own reactions),while you unconditionally listens and reflect and changes. But as you can see here are many tiny teensy places where either one can fall back into old patterns, thus one really has to work at unconditionally, trusting self and consistency in your tools.

For example - you might explain to your parent that you are changing pattern A, at first they don’t believe you - meaning the person is holding onto the past and basically (as we can all relate) looking for mistakes and signs of 'he old' - but with your consistency they see after a few weeks that yes indeed you are changing. But let's say after 3 weeks something happens and bam you go back into the old pattern - now the partners 'trust' in you is broken all over again -as in their mind you are reconfirmed an old belief. So there are many dimensions one could say to working on a relationship -as you can see from these few examples many things can happen that make working on a relationship difficult. But if both stick to their principles and keep applying themselves and make the main directive 'I change' - then you continue working together side by side, supporting each other day by day no matter what. In this one realizes that it is in the end not about the other person, therefore if you are changing to please the other - then you have a problem. It is not about me in my relationship - it is about ME and thus my relationship is simply a reflection of me now matter who I am with or what I am doing. Therefore the focus always remains on me, who I am and my process of change and self honesty - therefore one is not moving away from 'oneself' to try and shift into make-shift solutions to save a relationship or keep a person out of desire or fear of loss. Thus taking on this approach - both partners know they are changing to honor themselves, so in the end if a relationship ends, this is not the end of you - it is a decision made and from there one lets go, and uses the opportunity hopefully to reflect and change.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Day 210: Relationship Dynamics| My first crush

Continuation from:

Each one of us probably remembers our first crush. I remember my crushes were always on boys who were completely out of reach - our maybe that was the basis of what a crush was -a focus on an individual who you could never reach, a boy or girl who were 'out of our league' so to speak. My first crush was on a boy in school as it usually is. I saw him as attractive (as it usually goes) and there was just something about him that drew me to him.

I would always watch him from a distance, trying to at times follow him around and be seated near him. He was in the popular group, which was part of the whole 'unattainable' design - which as I look back at it I realize is part of how the mind designs the attraction systems and 'falling in love' - the push and pull towards a person while one accumulated feelings and emotions and thoughts until you are consumed. The one day after school I noticed a mutual friend of ours was sitting with him and a few of his friends on the grass. I took this opportunity to casually - as casually as my beating heart could take it that is, stroll (my legs wanted to run as fast as they could) over to them. I 'strolled' over to my friend and started up some useless random conversation to explain why I was coming over to talk to him. I completely ignored 'the boy' because I did not want him and his friends to ever get a whiff of my intentions. As it goes with 'school yard politics' one knows that if the 'cool kids' were to find out that a normal 'uncool' person had a major crush on one in their 'ranks' - this would usually result in teasing and relentless gossiping, all for the entertainment of the 'cool gang'. So I was very careful about making sure that nobody found out that I liked this boy. I did not tell my own friends either, out of concern that one of them might tell someone and it would find its way to the 'cool gang' Jeesh the amount of trouble and energy we put into these useless mind infatuations. But at the time, as we all are able to relate to it felt obviously so real and so intense, that nobody could have told me it was actually just a moment in time, a design that my mind was accessing based on hormones and the desire for specialness and how 'love' and the design of relationships was busy manifesting with me.

As we are all probably able to relate, when we were young nobody could have told us anything about our feelings. When our parents or adults tried to break the connection our minds had formed to something, we would literally go berserk, as the mind would revolt within the us against these connections being changed. The mind at this stage within puberty is connecting its system designs, which would then integrate fully into adulthood - therefore setting the pathways for how we would participate in these relationship and 'love' designs in adulthood - therefore some blame it on 'hormones' - but mostly hormones are simply the carriers of these parts of the system designs. Therefore to touch one of these designs within a teenager would usually result in anger, resentment, rebellion and out right aggression and depression. It would appear as if one is literally trying to kill lol - the teenager - and they would express to the adult that you are trying to cause them harm. How many times do we remember saying to our parents that we hate them for something they did or made us do. An example of how the mind is adamantly defending its designing process.

During this time as I mentioned the mind is setting the pathways for who we would become as adults and therefore the 'possessions' that teenagers seem to go into - shows us the protection that the mind has in place for its own systems. Then when we become adults we settle into these personality designs, as they fully integrate into the mind-body relationship - and therefore it becomes even harder as the years go by to change these patterns - due to the fact that we completely become the design and therefore are not able to look at them objectively as an outsider one could say - to really see what it is that we are doing. We will speak from the design as well, meaning we could for a moment see what it is that we are doing, however because we are completely on a physical level integrated into this system, we are unable to move ourselves out of it. The mind will thus speak and think for us, due to the integration that has happened on al levels of the mind (conscious, subconscious, unconscious, quantum mind, quantum physical).

Therefore it is always interesting to observe ourselves when we are faced with one of our own pre-programmed designs - we might for a moment pop our heads out and observe or become aware of the design itself, but the mind obviously has been directing us since young and therefore has absolute directive principle, unless we absolutely breathe and remind ourselves of who we want to be and how we would like to change. Then as one experiences yourself slipping back into 'playing the game' meaning participating in the design itself - you loose that awareness and it literally becomes confusing, because now you don’t understand why yesterday you saw what you were doing and now today you are completely 'in it' - you are transfixed by the information and the feelings and have literally forgotten your previous resolve.

The design itself possesses in a millisecond (the quantum mind and quantum physical) - therefore if one is not steady in your resolve and remind yourself of what you have seen and realized - the mind will quickly and easily simply, literally 'change your mind' and off you go again - from one second to the next. The old feelings come creeping up slowly within the body and this is where the mind uses the addictive nature of energy to keep us trapped within the same design. So just like a drug user that has been injected with a drug while they are trying to stop - the same happens with our addiction to these pre-programmed behaviors. The mind 'injects' us with old feelings and physical sensations and then bam the resolve is gone and the lines literally blur between what you understood yesterday to your understanding today.

The mind brings up justifications and excuses such as 'but it feels right' or 'but she said this' or 'but it can work' - therefore the part of us that needs to hear the justification will then fall slap bang back into the system as it fulfils itself with the information required to keep you there. The mind really is a super fast, superior machine and we have designed it so from generation to generation to evolve itself every step of the way. Therefore what one will find is that if you take one step forward in awareness the mind takes 10 steps forward and then sets you back while containing you in a bubble where you even believe you are changing and that things are going in the right direction. This is where I have found (and I am sure many can relate) - you go 'forward' into 'directing your life' - but realize after a few months that you were actually going in the same direction as before - but the mind made it look different because it gave you what you wanted -it allowed you to feel empowered, directive and aware, while simply taking us along the exact same design, but with added experiences.

So this is where stopping comes in - and not allowing ourselves to participate in the design for a while - like with breaking any addiction. Because how else do you know that your mind has not simply evolved the original design into a new one , running the same systems in the background, getting you to participate while the whole time convincing you that you are able to direct your experiences for the better without having to actually actively stop participating. I mean, how do we know that something is 'our choice' if we have not stopped the design, de-programmed it within ourselves to look at it again later and decide if what existed in us before is what we would like to live. Anything before that is as we know automated from somewhere within us and has time and time again controlled us, at times with us knowing that we have no directive principles and are being led 'down the same garden path'. Lol boy oh boy I have done this so many times myself - where I could not stop but told myself I was stopping, while changing and 'proving' to myself that I did not have to withhold my 'expression' - and that I was completely capable of still participating in the design itself but with my new principles and understanding. Lol the mind really reacts like a child, where it will spit out justifications such as 'but what about my self expression' and 'what is the point of life if I cannot explore myself'…. Then how I would be tested on this within myself is that obviously if I saw I was still having the same feelings and thoughts and acting the same way -tada. Also if I could not disengage myself from the pattern for a long time and kept going back into it with new justifications - tada!

Therefore, a suggestion is if you find yourself stepping back into an old pattern while exploring how to change it, to keep writing every day and being brutally self honest about what it is that you are really doing and experiencing. A suggestion is always to simply stop and not participate - if it smells like smoke, and looks like smoke - well then you are probably busy building a fire…

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Day 209: Obedience to Authority

In this blog I will focus around the following content: "Obedience to authority figures and the Milgram experiment''

What this experiment shows is obviously the uncertainty that we face every day when it comes to Self-Authority. This is due to the fact that every day we are either abdicating Authority to Automated Mind Programs such as our feelings, emotions and reactions (in the form of thoughts), or we are given direction by governments and higher authorities. So within every persons day-to-day existence, we think and believe that we are our own authority as a 'beingness' - meaning that the thoughts and emotion/feelings reactions that 'come up' from within us - are us - meaning 'who I am'.

We do at some stage however question our own reactions, motives, beliefs and decisions in life. For example have you ever gone through an experience such as jealousy or a fit of anger, only to later or even during, realise for yourself that you don’t want to be 'like this', you experience the discomfort of being in the experience more than a gratitude for having had it. We have all faced this experience to some degree, and most of us face this every day, where our rationalised 'normal human reactions' -trigger a red flag inside of us - questioning who we are and why we react the way we do.

For some, these can be very obvious experiences such as jealousy, depression, anger, hopelessness, victimisation, the need for approval, need for love, desire to belong, desire for happiness through materialism, addiction etc…. Most of these more obvious examples stand out and at some stage has most of us wondering why we are experiencing ourselves this way.

Some then go down the road of questioning 'who or what did this to me'. We are usually left confused as we don’t know why we would be drawn time and time again automatically to these experiences. We question our gods, our society, but rarely do we question ourselves, our innate programming, our minds. Usually before a person questions themselves, they go into complete denial. There are very few who are brave enough, so to speak to say 'hey wait a minute I did this to myself'. So we will turn out backs on basic common sense - which is that if it exist within me and I participate in it - then of course it is by my Authority that these experiences come up and continue to exists. Mostly we will say that it is 'who we are' to have these experiences, or that they are 'how god designed us'.

This is usually where we hit a complete standstill when it comes to finding and applying ourselves in solutions, because as we have all noticed, the mind is automated at producing instant firewalls when it comes to questioning God/our creation/authority. So whatever religion and societal moral-code one chooses, it will always come down to a battle between ones own Authority as real Authority and the automated belief systems that have been our Authority since child hood.

This for many of us is a difficult road-block to face. Making that decision to no longer give self-authority away to something outside of ourselves, because on an innate level we believe and exists purely as automated response systems by the design of consciousness. We think and feel automatically and justify our internal existence as 'normal'. What we don’t realise is that if we do the basic maths we will see that there is a lot to improve on with regards to the 'human condition' and that once again repeatedly placing 'Self' outside of Self' onto newer methods/philosophies, is obviously not the solution. Therefore, no matter what method one chooses to support oneself to get out of the rut in your mind, choose one that assist you in seeing and becoming your own authority, to not merely move in circles.

The hardest part I have noticed about learning how to become my own Authority - as the religion of Self Construct. Meaning - to face ones own religion - which is all of our beliefs about our self and the world (self religion does not only apply to a god or deity). Interestingly we will find that our body and mind as programmed into each other on a quantum level, will decline quite ungracefully ones attempts to break away from the programming, which is the standard template of consciousness to become self authored (self authority). This literally causes a meltdown or short-circuiting of ones basic programming. What happens next is that, because we have become the automated systems of consciousness as our individual personalities, obviously initially when the mind kicks in and says 'ehm no you don’t get to be self authority' what is going to happen - the 'you' as the little bit of awareness inside the mind and body will literally be in a war against a mega power, so to speak. It is like a small college football team going up against an international football team. Firstly, everybody will secretly laugh at the mere notion of this, because everyone will probably rightfully so assume that the college team will not stand a 'chance' against an internationally strong team. Therefore more often than not a mind set exists already within the team members themselves, that they won't make it, therefore their performance on many levels will suit and match the idea/belief. This one could call a self fulfilled prophecy.

I have experiences this myself when I first started walking the tools - I had to really pay attention to my self talk, and this is something that you might pick up for yourself when you start writing/exploring self-change. The self talk that comes through if and when one falls on a point is that 'I just cannot do it'. As an example - when I work with people on the Porn and Masturbation Addiction group on Facebook - the most common first or second statement by new members is 'I just cannot stop masturbating' or 'I have tried stopping this addiction' it just does not work.

This is the same as that moment in the Milgram experiment where the tester asks the person being tested to shock the other person. The person doing the shocking (testee) has a moment to consider if and why they would shock this person with increased voltage. In their mind a million things circle the drain. They start thinking about the reason why they did this, for example to get money, they start considering that if they left the experiment they might not get paid. The might start accessing hidden authority issues and anger issues, which on a quantum level if not understood will filter through to a justified decision such as 'well this is just a test after all', but comes from much deeper information lines, based on ones internal unresolved issues and personalities.

Therefore in the moment that the person gives the shock they have doubted themselves and answered themselves in a way that makes shocking another person justified. This is how our abdication of Self Authority works currently - there are so many variables involved in us reaching a decision that by the time the decision is made -we don’t get to see what happens in the background - all of the layers of quantum information programed into us from when we were children to date. That information will move so fast that the average person definitely does not see it, simply because we have never been told it exists and secondly we therefore do not see the 'problem' that exists behind it, and therefore do not slow ourselves down to understand what happens behind the scenes - the makings of each decision, each thought, each experience.

So in the end what boils up from inside which appears as conscious thought - as related to the example of the Milgram's experiment 'testee' to the example of the porn addict is uncomfortability, resistance and uncertainty - but the automated response which is the real self authority that steps in, will give the final direction. This is where we watch the porn or shock another person, or watch other people starving or watch pain and suffering with indifference or watch in a half daze as we get swept up in some emotional possession such as anger or jealousy…

So, what has been cool for myself on this journey of discovering my self authority is that I really enjoyed for myself and enjoy it now when I see people take that one step of claiming and becoming their self authority. Where a week before they could not move on for example an experience or an addiction, and then this week they proved to themselves they are able to for example not click on the website link that takes them to a porn website. Inside of them a battle existed over the current authority and themselves - a small bit of self awareness and self determination that is literally having to stand up to a massive machine which we call 'The Mind'.
On this forum page you will see cool chat that we had on this subject:

More blogs/Vlogs on Obedience to Authority:

Do You KNOW What Authorities YOU Obey? ...

Becoming The Authority of Your Own Life Through Practical Self-Empowerment. DAY 357
https://vixensjourneytolife.wordpress.c ... t-day-357/

Day 747: What is Authority
http://activistsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... ority.html

Day 290: Realizing your Authority in Life

230. Who are the Authors of this World System?

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Day 208: Relationship Dynamics | Part 3

"So for me, it was not so much a fear of a boy trying to have sex with me, lol in those days the concern was more about 'will he try and kiss me'. I remember at parties we would sometimes hear via the grapevine that a boy was kissing one of the more popular loose girls and put his hand 'down there'. This would cause the rest of us to blush and stare at her for the rest of the evening, perplexed and slightly anxious of this 'slutty behaviour' which obviously to the girl and the boys who tried to get 'their hands into her pants' was nothing more than what they did each and every weekend.  Therefore for me at that stage even, there was a wide gap between what I was willing to try and what was already a favourite pass time for the 'popular gangs'…"

I feared being alone with these boys on a date or at their house, because for some reason I was absolutely petrified of any form of intimacy. I remember the only time that I became slightly comfortable with kissing a boy was when I was the one doing the pursuing and I remember this happening once. I started developing 'feelings' for a neighbour who lived up the road who I had been friends with for many years. All of a sudden at some point this 'feeling' that I could describe as 'sensuality' started developing in my chest area and it encouraged a new 'voice' in my head - one that was gentle and encouraged me to change the way I dressed, to flirt and to try out make-up. Obviously the boy noticed that my body language around him changed because one day when I was visiting him after school as I so often did (this time wearing a slinky black dress instead of my usual shorts and tees which obviously did not go unnoticed), we were sitting on his bed chatting and he leant over and kissed me. I remember we both experimented with the 'tongue' which was totally new to me and felt very risqué!

The strange thing is that this 'reaching out' that I did to him, even though I was afraid of other boys indicated two things to me about my 'sexual development' - I avoided the boys who directed their attention to me or who were comfortable actually addressing their likes for me, because this felt unpredictable and 'dangerous'. Therefore I liked being able to asses who I could explore subtle feelings that were developing within me with - with a male friend who was gentle and 'known'. Secondly I realize that this 'first attempt at expressing an inner experience was towards a boy that was mentally unstable (not saying because he kissed me lol). He was in a special school for children with learning difficulties. I remember his father use to be very strict with him, where for example the one time I invited him to go with me on an outing to a park (we always only stayed at his house watching movies, never did anything 'outside'). He phoned his dad to ask him and the father asked to speak to me. The father explained to me things which I did not clearly understand at the time, but he said things like 'he cant stay out to long because that isn't good for him, so we can take him if we promise to have him back in 3 hours. This left me with the distinct impression that together with him being in a special school that there was something about this boy that was not entirely stable. I also remember always noting how when his parents were with him when I was at his house - the way in which they communicated with him was different to how my parents spoke to me or how any of my 'girlfriends' parents spoke to them. They were always trying to regulate his 'moods' and even at that young age (between the age of 14 - 16), I picked up that even though him and I got along fine, there was something about him that I would probably never get to see and that that there was a side to him which I did not know about. I also heard his mom sometimes speak to him in another room about him 'not getting angry' and that they have spoken about when he gets angry and that he must breathe etc… So there were many tell tale signs so to speak for me that this boy had another side to him, that he was being 'contained' and that because I only interacted with him for a few hours a week after school, that our friendship would never allow for me to 'see his other side' as his parents seemed to shield him from making mistakes around me. When we shared stories about our weekends and I would share about visiting friends he never spoke about going out to a friends house or to slumber parties/dance parties and only sometimes mentioned a friend or two from his school visiting him at his house.

So I would say that this was the first time I was drawn to a guy who had a 'darker' side to him, a side that was potentially unpredictable and had to be 'contained'. The kiss was a once off affair and I remember that we did not pursue it any further because I felt that this guy was generally withdrawn from outside factors such as friends and 'girls'. Also I felt and thought that this was not something to pursue - it was just an instinct at the time based on what I had seen and heard. Our friendship did not continue so fluently after 'the kiss' because we both felt awkward, that we had overstepped a line which for both seemed off, considering what really existed inside of us as our own 'personal issues'. I saw him less from then on, partly due to the fact that my uneasiness around 'sexuality' started surfacing in random moments of anxiety around him. I felt at the time that the childlike comfort that I always experienced around him being my 'friend' was gone and that this could mean 'the unknown' with regards to what would now happen. Nothing happened, he did not make any attempts, but we simply drifted apart ,more and a year or so later his family moved...

Day 207: Relationship Dynamics | Part 2

"This distancing was obviously very difficult on myself, my mother and my sisters, as we all knew that his behaviour was not normal. But 'back in the day' obviously nobody really spoke about what happens behind closed doors, as I am sure we are all able to relate to our own family issues which we remember and we distinctly remember nobody talking about. I remember how tense I would feel around my father, I knew there was a distance between us, an uncomfortability from his side. This I internalised into unconscious and subconscious patterns in relation to my own self worth (being rejected by father meant no self worth) as well as how I picked boyfriends from there on based on these emotionally distant experiences I had with my father. In my next blog I will write about each major relationship and what I realised about my self."

Alright, let's get started. ..

Somewhere through my puberty I developed a fear of boys and a fear of relationships. I realised years later as I assessed 'my past', that the tension and unease that I grew up experiencing around my father, translated into an uneasiness about 'males' and relationships with males. Boy oh boy my first real relationship was a direct reflection of an almost psychotic attempt at understanding and reflecting my perceived relationship with my father. But first more on my school years.

In high school I am able to count on one hand the boys who showed an interest, I was a 'plain girl' although a bit of a class clown (suppose not much has changed there). I remember always being filled with a sense of absolute dread and fear each time these boys would declare their interest in me. It was strange for me at the time, because I remember never being able to see what it was that these boys saw in me and therefore in part, my resistance to saying 'yes' to their requests for a relationship had to do with the feeling of absolute inferiority. I had the opposite view of myself - an absolute general low self esteem that would always speak in my mind telling me the direct opposite of what the boy in front of me was saying. Therefore by the end of the conversation, my mind was always made up - I 'knew' that what he was saying was a lie and that I was being deceived into some pubescent-boy trick. I would always rationalise to myself that the boy was in on some dare with his friends to see how far he could go with me. I would therefore each step of the way be rather dubious about the poor boys words and actions, always explaining to myself in my mind what he was 'really trying to get to'. In this way I was preparing myself to be deceived and where possible to get out of any compromising situation. These 'relationships' usually only lasted a few weeks, as long as my frail nerves could take it and towards the end I was always the one to end it with some well designed lie. Or I would use something the boy said or did as an excuse for why this relationship had to end.

Obviously, as we are all aware in today's age of teenage/adolescent romance - we all know that it is very different to how it was in the 90's. I mean the stories that I have heard of teen sex and parties and drinking, has often left me tongue tied, seeing and realising that teenagers today are basically living out real life porn dramas, with very little self respect towards themselves, their bodies or each other. It is all about the energy behind the ego, about trying to appear cool, to be the next Youtube star, while spitting in the face of what the previous generation considered 'proper' sexual and dating practise. Unfortunately these young people, from my perspective do not see or realise what they are really creating and contributing towards in the word. As we then grow up, we get to a stage where we start reacting to what is happening in the world -as we step out of the adolescent energy possessions and start paying attention to the effects that deliberate "I don’t care attitude' have on society. We move on and have relationships, get married and plan families and then things like the effects f porn in our marriages and society start to hit home. We see woman raped/hurt/abused because of men who are obsessed/possessed with sex and we are faced with the consequences of the last 50/60 years of societal psychological development around sex. BUT when you are a teenager and you want to fit in and be seen as in control and cool and desirable then nothing will stop you from playing all the games at your disposal. I cannot help when I see young people, to wonder what sex system design exists within them - something has been developed over the last generation. When a young man now looks at a woman or young girl, does he see flesh and bone - a human being - or does he see a porn star - a half naked piece of flesh easily transmuted in his mind into the latest mots gruesome sexual position?

Alright lol I did not think 'gee he sees me as a potential sex partner' = because in those days frivolous sex fro the sake of 'saying 'up yours to societal rules' was only for the very brave - the one or two girls or boys in your grade who had a 'reputation'. They were few and far between and shy girls like myself avoided these 'loose cannons.' Even the popular groups in my grade had their levels of 'looseness' lol, so to speak. Today this is a very different story, and I have observed that in schools frivolous sex and sex dynamics amongst youngsters is much more prevalent and exists parallel to eating and shitting.

So for me, it was not so much a fear of a boy trying to have sex with me, lol in those days the concern was more about 'will he try and kiss me'. I remember at parties we would sometimes hear via the grapevine that a boy was kissing one of the more popular loose girls and put his hand 'down there'. This would cause the rest of us to blush and stare at her for the rest of the evening, perplexed and slightly anxious of this 'slutty behaviour' which obviously to the girl and the boys who tried to get 'their hands into her pants' was nothing more than what they did each and every weekend. Therefore for me at that stage even, there was a wide gap between what I was willing to try and what was already a favourite pass time for the 'popular gangs'..

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Day 206: Relationship Dynamics | Part 1

One thing we can all relate to in some form of another is relationships or some failed attempt at having relationships. Every person has some story even back from when they were in kindergarten about some little boy or girl that they had a brief romantic encounter with. It is such a basic programming point for all of us as we develop into our adult personalities.

Therefore a subject that comes up often for people that I work with is either past relationship issues or current experiences. Whether one declares  celibacy or becomes a raging hormonal maniac over the opposite sex - there is always a story and a design behind what and how we choose.

So in these chats/discussions that I have with people I always suggest one key thing that I realised years ago as I was trudging through the thick mud of my own relationship designs. I always suggest to people to use past and current relationships experiences as a learning curve about self, and therefore to not take it personally but to rather sit down, write out the facts and change oneself so that as you move from current experiences into the future, you will be able to 'prepare the way' so to speak, for a potential relationship with another based on an effective relationship with Self. Therefore let ones relationships with others, be it romantic, family or friends show us what exist in our relationships to ourselves. Therefore one is looking at more 'real time' reflection on the outer, to understand the inner.

I decided to place my own understandings about my past relationships onto paper, to reflect for myself on what I have realised and therefore, to share with others who are perhaps facing similar experiences.

My previous blogs on 'Family Dynamics' and 'Experiencing Trauma' would definitely make a good introduction to these blogs, because in those blogs I speak about how I realized my own role in my family dynamics as well as insight into the strained relationship I had with my father.

Therefore to understand the relationship I had with my father will allow us to understand how and why I made the relationship choices I did. It was the relationship with my father that mostly determined the types of relationships I went into... whilst it was the relationship with my mother that mostly molded my character within these relationships intertwined with my own personality designs, which of course determined my reactions and responses to what these representations of my experience with my father did or said (boyfriends).

To recap: if you read my blogs called: Experiencing Trauma, you would have gained a basic insights into my reactions to my fathers death but also some insight into the fact that he had a very strained relationship with my mother, myself and my sisters. My father had adult depression from his own childhood experiences. This resulted in him having children as all adults from the previous generations believed they had to do, but inside of him he did not have the connection to or passion for his children, because obviously his own childhood memories and adult depression caused him to not really 'feel' much for his children. Any person who understands or has experienced depression will realize that depression as the word indicates 'depresses you' - meaning that you withdraw inside yourself and numb yourself towards yourself, your life and others - whether it is a chemical reaction in the body or a mental aspects based on a point one is reacting to within oneself towards your life.

This distancing was obviously very difficult on myself, my mother and my sisters, as we all knew that his behaviour was not normal. But 'back in the day' obviously nobody really spoke about what happens behind closed doors, as I am sure we are all able to relate to our own family issues which we remember and we distinctly remember nobody talking about. I remember how tense I would feel around my father, I knew there was a distance between us, an uncomfortability from his side. This I internalised into unconscious and subconscious patterns in relation to my own self worth (being rejected by father meant no self worth) as well as how I picked boyfriends from there on based on these emotionally distant experiences I had with my father. In my next blog I will write about each major relationship and what I realised about my self.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Day 205: Writing a Blog part 10

So the last topic that I was discussing in the series on 'writings blogs' was specially around the blog subject of 'world problem and solutions'. The other types of blogs that I said I would discus are 'Self-Support' Blogs.

In this I would say that one is able to approach these types of blogs in the following way. Lets say you have very little to no experience with the Desteni tools, but would like to apply what you know in your daily life, or you are already familiar with quite a few tools and are now simply looking at how to take things from your life and apply the tools outside of the protective structure of our online courses.

If you don’t have the basic self support tools or are not even comfortable simply 'writing', I suggest joining our free online course, where we familiarise people with the basic tools and terminology:

Once you have the basic tools in place for writing - you are ready to start exploring events and experiences that happen in your day to day living.  As I have mentioned in a previous blog, some people hit a complete resistance when it comes to writing partly due to the belief that their writings will not be good enough or deep enough etc… This is what I like to call mind blabber - where if one allows yourself to go into self judgment about what you believe others are capable of saying or thinking about you - then you will find yourself stuck always in all aspects of self expression. So my suggestion as I shared in the first few blogs, is to shake off the shackles of self judgment.

Now see writing for what it is - a platform through which you support yourself. If you are writing about more serious subjects that involve events that you would not like to publicize, then simply keep your writings on your computer. This is where word, onenote an other text files come in handy (see what text editing tools you have installed on your computer). Remember to back up your writings, on some external hard drive.

If you decide to write publically then the next step is to create a blog - there are many free blogging platforms such as:

Obviously the maintenance and the 'how to' of having a  blog one would have to google - I have found many tutorials on how to overcome basically any blogging question/issue. Of course the blog sites themselves have support/FAQ sections to help you get started.

Here are some tips on how to add sharing tools and like boxes to your blog:

If you don’t want to create a blog, but would like a platform where you are able to write and have the support of other people to assist you in developing self awareness within your writings, please join our forum:

How to get started with your writings: Obviously here I would suggest to do our free online course indicated above. This will show you the basics of using writing as a tool for self support.

Now the question people sometimes have is how to use the various tools available in DIP Lite and DIP pro to their day to day experiences. In each course you are shown different techniques, which allow you to access various dimensions of experiences and of the mind. So here I would like to suggest is to do our online courses as they are structured (going from DIP Lite into DIP pro) to address various mind 'systems' so to speak, from for example the conscious, subconscious to the unconscious.  Depending on how far you have gotten through our courses, I suggest make a list of the tools and techniques you have 'under your belt' and from this you will be able to apply what you have learnt to your daily experiences. Therefore for example you will learn a basic structure of first:

  1. Writing out your experience
  2. Now start assessing for yourself the solution - how are you able to take responsibility for your reactions, your thoughts, your participation in the event/moments, your emotion and feeling reactions etc.  What did you realize was your role in how things played out from a smaller thought/feeling reaction to a greater personality design? How are you able to change yourself and your personality designs to no longer allow these patterns which you see do not support you from playing out
  3. Now if you have the tools of self forgiveness and self corrective statements under your belt - apply this this to the writings.
  4. With or without step 3 - start looking at how you will physically live the changes you have realized by either simply applying common sense and self awareness as discussed in step 2, or through the self corrective statements you wrote in step 3.

Here if you have any further questions about a specific experience and you have applied the tools from the course material - but you are still not sure how to look deeper - 2 suggestions are:

Place your writings on the Desteni Forum or the demonology forum if the writings are of a more sensitive nature where you would like to create an anonymous account. Or work your way up from DIP Lite to DIP pro where you are assigned a buddy who meets with you on chats weekly, to discuss problems you might be facing in your life, how to use the course material to support you and they are there to assist you if you get stuck in the lesson material.

If you are unable to afford DIP Pro - we have the option of blogging for sponsorship - where by simply practising your blogging you could receive sponsorship to do DIP pro:

Blogging for Sponsorship 

Now all that is left is to simply start practicing - realizing as I mentioned in the first 2 blogs - is that for all of us blogging was something that we had to practice, paragraph by paragraph, incorporating the different techniques a step at a time until there is more of a flow to ones self awareness journey through writing.
Please take a look at some of the blogs on our forum:

Monday, March 9, 2015

Day 204: Experiencing Trauma Part 4 | Out of Body Experiences

"So,  from there what developed in me was my father's depression - where I basically made the decision to 'take on' my fathers depression in 'honour of him' - yes I know it sounds weird  - it so often does when we look back at the things we do and you're like 'what??' But yes I was pining myself to death in his honour - feeling his sadness from his life and my sadness for losing him. A few months after my father's death I started having strange dreams about him. The one was where I would see his coffin inside the  crematory. The flames would start up and I would be trapped inside this dream watching at first the coffin then his body starting to burn. I remember inside the dream I would feel the trauma within my mind pulsing inside my mind, something which I consciously knew at all times was there but would never speak about. I was also to embarrassed to speak about it because we all tend to know that death is something that happens and it is something that you are supposed to 'get over'. Therefore, I knew that something was 'off' so to speak about the fact that I had never dealt with my fathers death and that this sadness constantly stayed with me. In the dream it would switch from him in the coffin to me - where for a few second I would be lying in the coffin feeling the  heat of the flames increasing around me…"

From here I started experiencing 'out of body type experiences'. At this point in my life I was maybe 16/17 and had no real reference to what out of body experiences were. I remember I would be drifting off to sleep and next thing I would feel myself pulling away from my body and drifting up towards the ceiling. Then I would find myself in a 'tunnel' - floating upwards. Next thing I am sitting in a white room with my father sitting opposite me. This happened to me twice. The first time only my father spoke, telling me about how he was and about my life etc. It was interesting because I remember I could not speak, did not want to speak, simply sat there listening to him. The second time this happened I could speak and asked him many questions. He tried to explain to me that he was fine and that I must let him go and live my life and that he will always be with me (sounds familiar?). This did not really ease my mind and I held onto these fears, doubts and guilt for some years still.

I remember when I was going through my 'demon possession phase' lol - I constantly felt like my dad was with me, especially in my mothers house I could see him and sense him, but mostly these experiences left me frightened and unsure. Probably because I was at times frightened by this ability that was opening in me to see spirits and combined with this fear of my father being this unexplained traumatic element - left me always wanting to see his spirit but feeling anxious about it at the same time. A part of me feared that he may turn into a demon and hurt me, which I realized later as I started working with understanding how my mind processed this trauma, was simply me focussing all my unresolved feelings about his death into this 'dark entity' which his spirit represented. Therefore whether he was there or not and whether he was reaching out to me or not, the emphasis that I am placing here is the fact that I created a darkness in my mind filled with all my fear and trauma and unresolved questions about his death - all into a dark mass which I projected outward into the realm of ghosts and hauntings. Therefore what was haunting me most of my youth now became something tangible, something which one could read about in books and then say 'yes, I am being haunted by something'. Thus as my attention turned more and more onto 'the paranormal' unfortunately I had this one entity that was my own creation towards my father. It was very assisting for me once I started working with Jack my 'guide' because he stabilised me enough when I would go into fear towards an apparition to understand that I was simply uncertain about what I was facing. For example after connecting with Jack I stopped seeing my father in my old house as Jack would simply stabilise me and explain to me where my fears were coming from.

As you can see my childhood trauma took on a specific outlet with me. For different people the experience and the minds ability to process trauma might be different. Some turn to drugs/alcohol/substance abuse, some experience behavioural and personality changes, some withdraw and go into depression, some as the interview speaks of will have random imaginations playing out around the trauma which the person might take on and start making their own. What I realize about looking back at how I 'did not' cope with the trauma of my fathers death is that it is not necessarily easy for parents to always stabilise children around these sorts of events. I mean I was looking at what my parents could have done differently specifically around the point of my father dying. Would it have helped if they rather closed the door and I had not heard that my father will probably die? Should they have educated me better about what death is? What I do realize though is that there are millions and millions of subtle hidden dimensions that go into every moment for a child's development. I mean here you are seeing just one life affected by specific dimensions that affected each other. Each person has their own experience of 'trauma'. What I have realized over the years is that the mind is very sensitive and very specific and its programing is very intensive if you look at pre-programmed designs, combined with life events and how the child and even adult copes with what we experience and how this shapes 'who we are'. I mean in each of those experiences, as you are able to see my imagination played a big role, my thought patterns exacerbated and contributed immensely to how these problems developed and obviously my feelings and emotions were almost the glue that kept all of these experiences together.

Going back in time and looking at the intricate nature of these experiences which are obviously not unique but still were quite intense for me - I realized over the last few years how our minds are really vast machines that have to process millions and millions of experiences and perception in each moment of each day. We are constantly programming new ideas, responses and characters based on millions of equations. Therefore as 'an adult' I realize the importance for parents to not just treat a child like something they can practise their own beliefs on or something that does not learn directly moment by moment from you as the parent. The child also does not only learn only what you think you are teaching them. They are learning what we are REALLY doing all the time - for example as parents we tend to want to hide and supress our emotional reactions around the child. Sometimes not even very well. So we THINK the child is not noticing that the mother is actually furious with dad over X and dad is frustrated with work and mom is jealous over dad's female work colleagues so she snaps at dad using sarcasm every 2 mins and dad is annoyed with mom because she…… The child is on a quantum mind/quantum physical level picking up on all of these programs - remember the human physical body and mind are programs that read other programs. So obviously a child which especially in its first lets say 7 years are supper fast at quantum programming - will pick up the programs running in its environment and adapt its own personalities around the 'examples' that are being set for it. So for example the 'terrible 2's' are not only a child developing its own little ways of wanting things its way, it is also how the child is mirroring or becoming the underlying emotional reactions and ways of dealing with issues, that the parents are coping with.

At the same time I am not saying that we need to find ways to necessarily protect children from trauma but more the emphasis should be on assisting children and ourselves to not over react to situations. For example if one look at any experience we have had where we felt like it was just to much, where we experience 'trauma'. What one will often find is that most of the time it is because of the emotional reaction we have to the event or person based on the values we attach to what is happening.

To give you an example - what I mean by over reacting in emotions would for example be: somebody says to me hey you have picked up weight. Now depending on the definitions and values I have attached to somebody saying this - will depend on my experience towards what is being said. For example if my self esteem is quite stable and I have not attached much or any value to what it means if someone says this and what it means if I have put one some weight - then I will see this merely as someone pointing out something they have noticed. If however I have all these belief systems about my self worth being attached to what other say about me and about 'fat' or 'weight' then my reactions will be different. I would for example react immediately to what the person says with for example a thought such as 'oh no she noticed', 'oh god this is bad' and a ice cold jolt goes through my stomach and you feel embarrassed and more thoughts come flooding and now you experience self judgment about 'weight' such as 'I don’t look good' and 'she must think I eat a lot' etc etc. From there you experience a spiralling of thoughts, emotions and reactions from a basic comment made by someone irrelevant of their starting point into a self reaction based on what already exist inside of us as 'self-belief'.

So this is an example of where we have made a situation more than what it is simply because of mind-created problems triggered by the words or deeds of another. This is obviously a minor example - but if one go and look at how we handle difficult situations from something small like someone saying 'you have picked up weight' to bigger subjects such as a trauma around someone's death - it helps to support oneself to understand how one is morphing/changing the original event into something more, something that really does not serve us - due to additional mind layers. Mind layers would for example be what I walked in that example - placing ones worth outside of self into 'what other say of me' or giving 'weight/fat' a specific 'bad definition and then taking that personally and becoming that definition. Usually these reactions come from how society views something which we then take on and make our own 'self-belief' systems. Therefore something becomes an emotional-mind trauma as one react to ones own self created belief systems - and we literally get carried away by an emotional experience - which takes one from experiencing something at a more basic level to feeling traumatised or done in or infuriated or insulted etc...

For more information blogs shared on children and development:



Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Day 203: Experiencing Trauma Part 3 | Death

Continuation from:

"Looking back at that whole situation now I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist. I remember for months I was still traumatised by the 'weather' and I remember I would over the weekends refuse to leave the house if the weather looked unstable. If I was sitting in class towards the end of the school day I would simply stare out the window at the clouds. Just watch the clouds like a monster that was slowly, painfully turning from its dark corner to pounce. I would just sit there 'praying' to the skies, to please not storm on my way home. I was petrified that a storm might break out as I was leaving the school and I had to go 'out there' where I had minimal cover while I waited for my buss. "

Note: in relation to this previous comment where I said ' I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist' - in a conversation with my mother yesterday -I was telling her that I was writing blogs about these 'childhood traumas' and asked her why they did not send me to a psychologist. She replied that they did send me to a school councilor for a few sessions and that in the end it was the councilor that said 'in time it will sort itself out' and therefore they sent me to school where the incident with the headmaster happened. So this does not instill me with a lot of confidence when it comes to child psychologists/councilors. Any way moving on -

A few weeks before my eleventh birthday I was sitting in my bedroom one afternoon doing homework and my mom walks into my room. She tells me that my father had a heart attack and is in hospital. We were planning on visiting him that evening but I found myself just getting angry instead of feeling upset or sad. By the time we got to the hospital and my sisters and mother were hugging him and crying I was like a fuming demon lol. I refused to give him a hug and I simply stood just inside the door glaring at him. I was pissed.

The next morning at 3 am my sisters wake me up to tell me that our father had died. He had 2 big heart attacks. So from there on out my experience shifted in various ways. The trauma of knowing my father was going to die had obviously taken an immense toll on my young mind. Now after my fathers death I started considering into my teenage years the reason for his death or at least contributing factors. It turned out that my father (who's heart was obviously quite weak) was under a lot of pressure at work because that morning that he had his heart attack the bank that he worked at - a whole bunch of bank employees were going to be retrenched. My father was the bank manager but did not know himself who would be retrenched and whether his own job was secure (his bank was merging with another bank). By the time he was preparing to go to work he was already having the first heart attack. My sister noticed that he was looking very pale and sweaty and asked him what was wrong, to which he replied 'nothing' and that she must please not say anything to my mother or sisters because they would just get worried. By the time he got to the bank he collapsed.

The reason why I shared this whole story with you is because this information created immense guilt within me towards my father. When I found out that he had the heart attack probably from worrying over potentially losing his job I realized that he was probably concerned for his family - to be able to provide for his wife and 4 daughters. From this I created immense guilt for being the reason why he died. Over the years I also considered that if it was not for our existing money system a man (or woman) would not have to die out of fear that they cannot provide for their family.

So, from there what developed in me was my father's depression - where I basically made the decision to 'take on' my fathers depression in 'honour of him' - yes I know it sounds weird - it so often does when we look back at the things we do and you're like 'what??' But yes I was pining myself to death in his honour - feeling his sadness from his life and my sadness for losing him. A few months after my father's death I started having strange dreams about him. The one was where I would see his coffin inside the crematory. The flames would start up and I would be trapped inside this dream watching at first the coffin then his body starting to burn. I remember inside the dream I would feel the trauma within my mind pulsing inside my mind, something which I consciously knew at all times was there but would never speak about. I was also to embarrassed to speak about it because we all tend to know that death is something that happens and it is something that you are supposed to 'get over'. Therefore, I knew that something was 'off' so to speak about the fact that I had never dealt with my fathers death and that this sadness constantly stayed with me. In the dream it would switch from him in the coffin to me - where for a few second I would be lying in the coffin feeling the heat of the flames increasing around me...