Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Day 209: Obedience to Authority

In this blog I will focus around the following content: "Obedience to authority figures and the Milgram experiment''



What this experiment shows is obviously the uncertainty that we face every day when it comes to Self-Authority. This is due to the fact that every day we are either abdicating Authority to Automated Mind Programs such as our feelings, emotions and reactions (in the form of thoughts), or we are given direction by governments and higher authorities. So within every persons day-to-day existence, we think and believe that we are our own authority as a 'beingness' - meaning that the thoughts and emotion/feelings reactions that 'come up' from within us - are us - meaning 'who I am'.

We do at some stage however question our own reactions, motives, beliefs and decisions in life. For example have you ever gone through an experience such as jealousy or a fit of anger, only to later or even during, realise for yourself that you don’t want to be 'like this', you experience the discomfort of being in the experience more than a gratitude for having had it. We have all faced this experience to some degree, and most of us face this every day, where our rationalised 'normal human reactions' -trigger a red flag inside of us - questioning who we are and why we react the way we do.

For some, these can be very obvious experiences such as jealousy, depression, anger, hopelessness, victimisation, the need for approval, need for love, desire to belong, desire for happiness through materialism, addiction etc…. Most of these more obvious examples stand out and at some stage has most of us wondering why we are experiencing ourselves this way.

Some then go down the road of questioning 'who or what did this to me'. We are usually left confused as we don’t know why we would be drawn time and time again automatically to these experiences. We question our gods, our society, but rarely do we question ourselves, our innate programming, our minds. Usually before a person questions themselves, they go into complete denial. There are very few who are brave enough, so to speak to say 'hey wait a minute I did this to myself'. So we will turn out backs on basic common sense - which is that if it exist within me and I participate in it - then of course it is by my Authority that these experiences come up and continue to exists. Mostly we will say that it is 'who we are' to have these experiences, or that they are 'how god designed us'.

This is usually where we hit a complete standstill when it comes to finding and applying ourselves in solutions, because as we have all noticed, the mind is automated at producing instant firewalls when it comes to questioning God/our creation/authority. So whatever religion and societal moral-code one chooses, it will always come down to a battle between ones own Authority as real Authority and the automated belief systems that have been our Authority since child hood.

This for many of us is a difficult road-block to face. Making that decision to no longer give self-authority away to something outside of ourselves, because on an innate level we believe and exists purely as automated response systems by the design of consciousness. We think and feel automatically and justify our internal existence as 'normal'. What we don’t realise is that if we do the basic maths we will see that there is a lot to improve on with regards to the 'human condition' and that once again repeatedly placing 'Self' outside of Self' onto newer methods/philosophies, is obviously not the solution. Therefore, no matter what method one chooses to support oneself to get out of the rut in your mind, choose one that assist you in seeing and becoming your own authority, to not merely move in circles.

The hardest part I have noticed about learning how to become my own Authority - as the religion of Self Construct. Meaning - to face ones own religion - which is all of our beliefs about our self and the world (self religion does not only apply to a god or deity). Interestingly we will find that our body and mind as programmed into each other on a quantum level, will decline quite ungracefully ones attempts to break away from the programming, which is the standard template of consciousness to become self authored (self authority). This literally causes a meltdown or short-circuiting of ones basic programming. What happens next is that, because we have become the automated systems of consciousness as our individual personalities, obviously initially when the mind kicks in and says 'ehm no you don’t get to be self authority' what is going to happen - the 'you' as the little bit of awareness inside the mind and body will literally be in a war against a mega power, so to speak. It is like a small college football team going up against an international football team. Firstly, everybody will secretly laugh at the mere notion of this, because everyone will probably rightfully so assume that the college team will not stand a 'chance' against an internationally strong team. Therefore more often than not a mind set exists already within the team members themselves, that they won't make it, therefore their performance on many levels will suit and match the idea/belief. This one could call a self fulfilled prophecy.

I have experiences this myself when I first started walking the tools - I had to really pay attention to my self talk, and this is something that you might pick up for yourself when you start writing/exploring self-change. The self talk that comes through if and when one falls on a point is that 'I just cannot do it'. As an example - when I work with people on the Porn and Masturbation Addiction group on Facebook - the most common first or second statement by new members is 'I just cannot stop masturbating' or 'I have tried stopping this addiction' it just does not work.

This is the same as that moment in the Milgram experiment where the tester asks the person being tested to shock the other person. The person doing the shocking (testee) has a moment to consider if and why they would shock this person with increased voltage. In their mind a million things circle the drain. They start thinking about the reason why they did this, for example to get money, they start considering that if they left the experiment they might not get paid. The might start accessing hidden authority issues and anger issues, which on a quantum level if not understood will filter through to a justified decision such as 'well this is just a test after all', but comes from much deeper information lines, based on ones internal unresolved issues and personalities.

Therefore in the moment that the person gives the shock they have doubted themselves and answered themselves in a way that makes shocking another person justified. This is how our abdication of Self Authority works currently - there are so many variables involved in us reaching a decision that by the time the decision is made -we don’t get to see what happens in the background - all of the layers of quantum information programed into us from when we were children to date. That information will move so fast that the average person definitely does not see it, simply because we have never been told it exists and secondly we therefore do not see the 'problem' that exists behind it, and therefore do not slow ourselves down to understand what happens behind the scenes - the makings of each decision, each thought, each experience.

So in the end what boils up from inside which appears as conscious thought - as related to the example of the Milgram's experiment 'testee' to the example of the porn addict is uncomfortability, resistance and uncertainty - but the automated response which is the real self authority that steps in, will give the final direction. This is where we watch the porn or shock another person, or watch other people starving or watch pain and suffering with indifference or watch in a half daze as we get swept up in some emotional possession such as anger or jealousy…

So, what has been cool for myself on this journey of discovering my self authority is that I really enjoyed for myself and enjoy it now when I see people take that one step of claiming and becoming their self authority. Where a week before they could not move on for example an experience or an addiction, and then this week they proved to themselves they are able to for example not click on the website link that takes them to a porn website. Inside of them a battle existed over the current authority and themselves - a small bit of self awareness and self determination that is literally having to stand up to a massive machine which we call 'The Mind'.
On this forum page you will see cool chat that we had on this subject:


More blogs/Vlogs on Obedience to Authority:

Do You KNOW What Authorities YOU Obey? 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCnwjYd ... e=youtu.be


Becoming The Authority of Your Own Life Through Practical Self-Empowerment. DAY 357
https://vixensjourneytolife.wordpress.c ... t-day-357/


Day 747: What is Authority
http://activistsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... ority.html

Day 290: Realizing your Authority in Life

230. Who are the Authors of this World System?


Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Day 208: Relationship Dynamics | Part 3


"So for me, it was not so much a fear of a boy trying to have sex with me, lol in those days the concern was more about 'will he try and kiss me'. I remember at parties we would sometimes hear via the grapevine that a boy was kissing one of the more popular loose girls and put his hand 'down there'. This would cause the rest of us to blush and stare at her for the rest of the evening, perplexed and slightly anxious of this 'slutty behaviour' which obviously to the girl and the boys who tried to get 'their hands into her pants' was nothing more than what they did each and every weekend.  Therefore for me at that stage even, there was a wide gap between what I was willing to try and what was already a favourite pass time for the 'popular gangs'…"

I feared being alone with these boys on a date or at their house, because for some reason I was absolutely petrified of any form of intimacy. I remember the only time that I became slightly comfortable with kissing a boy was when I was the one doing the pursuing and I remember this happening once. I started developing 'feelings' for a neighbour who lived up the road who I had been friends with for many years. All of a sudden at some point this 'feeling' that I could describe as 'sensuality' started developing in my chest area and it encouraged a new 'voice' in my head - one that was gentle and encouraged me to change the way I dressed, to flirt and to try out make-up. Obviously the boy noticed that my body language around him changed because one day when I was visiting him after school as I so often did (this time wearing a slinky black dress instead of my usual shorts and tees which obviously did not go unnoticed), we were sitting on his bed chatting and he leant over and kissed me. I remember we both experimented with the 'tongue' which was totally new to me and felt very risqué!

The strange thing is that this 'reaching out' that I did to him, even though I was afraid of other boys indicated two things to me about my 'sexual development' - I avoided the boys who directed their attention to me or who were comfortable actually addressing their likes for me, because this felt unpredictable and 'dangerous'. Therefore I liked being able to asses who I could explore subtle feelings that were developing within me with - with a male friend who was gentle and 'known'. Secondly I realize that this 'first attempt at expressing an inner experience was towards a boy that was mentally unstable (not saying because he kissed me lol). He was in a special school for children with learning difficulties. I remember his father use to be very strict with him, where for example the one time I invited him to go with me on an outing to a park (we always only stayed at his house watching movies, never did anything 'outside'). He phoned his dad to ask him and the father asked to speak to me. The father explained to me things which I did not clearly understand at the time, but he said things like 'he cant stay out to long because that isn't good for him, so we can take him if we promise to have him back in 3 hours. This left me with the distinct impression that together with him being in a special school that there was something about this boy that was not entirely stable. I also remember always noting how when his parents were with him when I was at his house - the way in which they communicated with him was different to how my parents spoke to me or how any of my 'girlfriends' parents spoke to them. They were always trying to regulate his 'moods' and even at that young age (between the age of 14 - 16), I picked up that even though him and I got along fine, there was something about him that I would probably never get to see and that that there was a side to him which I did not know about. I also heard his mom sometimes speak to him in another room about him 'not getting angry' and that they have spoken about when he gets angry and that he must breathe etc… So there were many tell tale signs so to speak for me that this boy had another side to him, that he was being 'contained' and that because I only interacted with him for a few hours a week after school, that our friendship would never allow for me to 'see his other side' as his parents seemed to shield him from making mistakes around me. When we shared stories about our weekends and I would share about visiting friends he never spoke about going out to a friends house or to slumber parties/dance parties and only sometimes mentioned a friend or two from his school visiting him at his house.

So I would say that this was the first time I was drawn to a guy who had a 'darker' side to him, a side that was potentially unpredictable and had to be 'contained'. The kiss was a once off affair and I remember that we did not pursue it any further because I felt that this guy was generally withdrawn from outside factors such as friends and 'girls'. Also I felt and thought that this was not something to pursue - it was just an instinct at the time based on what I had seen and heard. Our friendship did not continue so fluently after 'the kiss' because we both felt awkward, that we had overstepped a line which for both seemed off, considering what really existed inside of us as our own 'personal issues'. I saw him less from then on, partly due to the fact that my uneasiness around 'sexuality' started surfacing in random moments of anxiety around him. I felt at the time that the childlike comfort that I always experienced around him being my 'friend' was gone and that this could mean 'the unknown' with regards to what would now happen. Nothing happened, he did not make any attempts, but we simply drifted apart ,more and a year or so later his family moved...

Day 207: Relationship Dynamics | Part 2


"This distancing was obviously very difficult on myself, my mother and my sisters, as we all knew that his behaviour was not normal. But 'back in the day' obviously nobody really spoke about what happens behind closed doors, as I am sure we are all able to relate to our own family issues which we remember and we distinctly remember nobody talking about. I remember how tense I would feel around my father, I knew there was a distance between us, an uncomfortability from his side. This I internalised into unconscious and subconscious patterns in relation to my own self worth (being rejected by father meant no self worth) as well as how I picked boyfriends from there on based on these emotionally distant experiences I had with my father. In my next blog I will write about each major relationship and what I realised about my self."

Alright, let's get started. ..

Somewhere through my puberty I developed a fear of boys and a fear of relationships. I realised years later as I assessed 'my past', that the tension and unease that I grew up experiencing around my father, translated into an uneasiness about 'males' and relationships with males. Boy oh boy my first real relationship was a direct reflection of an almost psychotic attempt at understanding and reflecting my perceived relationship with my father. But first more on my school years.

In high school I am able to count on one hand the boys who showed an interest, I was a 'plain girl' although a bit of a class clown (suppose not much has changed there). I remember always being filled with a sense of absolute dread and fear each time these boys would declare their interest in me. It was strange for me at the time, because I remember never being able to see what it was that these boys saw in me and therefore in part, my resistance to saying 'yes' to their requests for a relationship had to do with the feeling of absolute inferiority. I had the opposite view of myself - an absolute general low self esteem that would always speak in my mind telling me the direct opposite of what the boy in front of me was saying. Therefore by the end of the conversation, my mind was always made up - I 'knew' that what he was saying was a lie and that I was being deceived into some pubescent-boy trick. I would always rationalise to myself that the boy was in on some dare with his friends to see how far he could go with me. I would therefore each step of the way be rather dubious about the poor boys words and actions, always explaining to myself in my mind what he was 'really trying to get to'. In this way I was preparing myself to be deceived and where possible to get out of any compromising situation. These 'relationships' usually only lasted a few weeks, as long as my frail nerves could take it and towards the end I was always the one to end it with some well designed lie. Or I would use something the boy said or did as an excuse for why this relationship had to end.

Obviously, as we are all aware in today's age of teenage/adolescent romance - we all know that it is very different to how it was in the 90's. I mean the stories that I have heard of teen sex and parties and drinking, has often left me tongue tied, seeing and realising that teenagers today are basically living out real life porn dramas, with very little self respect towards themselves, their bodies or each other. It is all about the energy behind the ego, about trying to appear cool, to be the next Youtube star, while spitting in the face of what the previous generation considered 'proper' sexual and dating practise. Unfortunately these young people, from my perspective do not see or realise what they are really creating and contributing towards in the word. As we then grow up, we get to a stage where we start reacting to what is happening in the world -as we step out of the adolescent energy possessions and start paying attention to the effects that deliberate "I don’t care attitude' have on society. We move on and have relationships, get married and plan families and then things like the effects f porn in our marriages and society start to hit home. We see woman raped/hurt/abused because of men who are obsessed/possessed with sex and we are faced with the consequences of the last 50/60 years of societal psychological development around sex. BUT when you are a teenager and you want to fit in and be seen as in control and cool and desirable then nothing will stop you from playing all the games at your disposal. I cannot help when I see young people, to wonder what sex system design exists within them - something has been developed over the last generation. When a young man now looks at a woman or young girl, does he see flesh and bone - a human being - or does he see a porn star - a half naked piece of flesh easily transmuted in his mind into the latest mots gruesome sexual position?

Alright lol I did not think 'gee he sees me as a potential sex partner' = because in those days frivolous sex fro the sake of 'saying 'up yours to societal rules' was only for the very brave - the one or two girls or boys in your grade who had a 'reputation'. They were few and far between and shy girls like myself avoided these 'loose cannons.' Even the popular groups in my grade had their levels of 'looseness' lol, so to speak. Today this is a very different story, and I have observed that in schools frivolous sex and sex dynamics amongst youngsters is much more prevalent and exists parallel to eating and shitting.


So for me, it was not so much a fear of a boy trying to have sex with me, lol in those days the concern was more about 'will he try and kiss me'. I remember at parties we would sometimes hear via the grapevine that a boy was kissing one of the more popular loose girls and put his hand 'down there'. This would cause the rest of us to blush and stare at her for the rest of the evening, perplexed and slightly anxious of this 'slutty behaviour' which obviously to the girl and the boys who tried to get 'their hands into her pants' was nothing more than what they did each and every weekend. Therefore for me at that stage even, there was a wide gap between what I was willing to try and what was already a favourite pass time for the 'popular gangs'..

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Day 206: Relationship Dynamics | Part 1

One thing we can all relate to in some form of another is relationships or some failed attempt at having relationships. Every person has some story even back from when they were in kindergarten about some little boy or girl that they had a brief romantic encounter with. It is such a basic programming point for all of us as we develop into our adult personalities.

Therefore a subject that comes up often for people that I work with is either past relationship issues or current experiences. Whether one declares  celibacy or becomes a raging hormonal maniac over the opposite sex - there is always a story and a design behind what and how we choose.

So in these chats/discussions that I have with people I always suggest one key thing that I realised years ago as I was trudging through the thick mud of my own relationship designs. I always suggest to people to use past and current relationships experiences as a learning curve about self, and therefore to not take it personally but to rather sit down, write out the facts and change oneself so that as you move from current experiences into the future, you will be able to 'prepare the way' so to speak, for a potential relationship with another based on an effective relationship with Self. Therefore let ones relationships with others, be it romantic, family or friends show us what exist in our relationships to ourselves. Therefore one is looking at more 'real time' reflection on the outer, to understand the inner.


I decided to place my own understandings about my past relationships onto paper, to reflect for myself on what I have realised and therefore, to share with others who are perhaps facing similar experiences.

My previous blogs on 'Family Dynamics' and 'Experiencing Trauma' would definitely make a good introduction to these blogs, because in those blogs I speak about how I realized my own role in my family dynamics as well as insight into the strained relationship I had with my father.



Therefore to understand the relationship I had with my father will allow us to understand how and why I made the relationship choices I did. It was the relationship with my father that mostly determined the types of relationships I went into... whilst it was the relationship with my mother that mostly molded my character within these relationships intertwined with my own personality designs, which of course determined my reactions and responses to what these representations of my experience with my father did or said (boyfriends).

To recap: if you read my blogs called: Experiencing Trauma, you would have gained a basic insights into my reactions to my fathers death but also some insight into the fact that he had a very strained relationship with my mother, myself and my sisters. My father had adult depression from his own childhood experiences. This resulted in him having children as all adults from the previous generations believed they had to do, but inside of him he did not have the connection to or passion for his children, because obviously his own childhood memories and adult depression caused him to not really 'feel' much for his children. Any person who understands or has experienced depression will realize that depression as the word indicates 'depresses you' - meaning that you withdraw inside yourself and numb yourself towards yourself, your life and others - whether it is a chemical reaction in the body or a mental aspects based on a point one is reacting to within oneself towards your life.

This distancing was obviously very difficult on myself, my mother and my sisters, as we all knew that his behaviour was not normal. But 'back in the day' obviously nobody really spoke about what happens behind closed doors, as I am sure we are all able to relate to our own family issues which we remember and we distinctly remember nobody talking about. I remember how tense I would feel around my father, I knew there was a distance between us, an uncomfortability from his side. This I internalised into unconscious and subconscious patterns in relation to my own self worth (being rejected by father meant no self worth) as well as how I picked boyfriends from there on based on these emotionally distant experiences I had with my father. In my next blog I will write about each major relationship and what I realised about my self.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Day 205: Writing a Blog part 10


So the last topic that I was discussing in the series on 'writings blogs' was specially around the blog subject of 'world problem and solutions'. The other types of blogs that I said I would discus are 'Self-Support' Blogs.

In this I would say that one is able to approach these types of blogs in the following way. Lets say you have very little to no experience with the Desteni tools, but would like to apply what you know in your daily life, or you are already familiar with quite a few tools and are now simply looking at how to take things from your life and apply the tools outside of the protective structure of our online courses.

If you don’t have the basic self support tools or are not even comfortable simply 'writing', I suggest joining our free online course, where we familiarise people with the basic tools and terminology:

























Once you have the basic tools in place for writing - you are ready to start exploring events and experiences that happen in your day to day living.  As I have mentioned in a previous blog, some people hit a complete resistance when it comes to writing partly due to the belief that their writings will not be good enough or deep enough etc… This is what I like to call mind blabber - where if one allows yourself to go into self judgment about what you believe others are capable of saying or thinking about you - then you will find yourself stuck always in all aspects of self expression. So my suggestion as I shared in the first few blogs, is to shake off the shackles of self judgment.

Now see writing for what it is - a platform through which you support yourself. If you are writing about more serious subjects that involve events that you would not like to publicize, then simply keep your writings on your computer. This is where word, onenote an other text files come in handy (see what text editing tools you have installed on your computer). Remember to back up your writings, on some external hard drive.

If you decide to write publically then the next step is to create a blog - there are many free blogging platforms such as:



Obviously the maintenance and the 'how to' of having a  blog one would have to google - I have found many tutorials on how to overcome basically any blogging question/issue. Of course the blog sites themselves have support/FAQ sections to help you get started.

Here are some tips on how to add sharing tools and like boxes to your blog:


If you don’t want to create a blog, but would like a platform where you are able to write and have the support of other people to assist you in developing self awareness within your writings, please join our forum:

How to get started with your writings: Obviously here I would suggest to do our free online course indicated above. This will show you the basics of using writing as a tool for self support.

Now the question people sometimes have is how to use the various tools available in DIP Lite and DIP pro to their day to day experiences. In each course you are shown different techniques, which allow you to access various dimensions of experiences and of the mind. So here I would like to suggest is to do our online courses as they are structured (going from DIP Lite into DIP pro) to address various mind 'systems' so to speak, from for example the conscious, subconscious to the unconscious.  Depending on how far you have gotten through our courses, I suggest make a list of the tools and techniques you have 'under your belt' and from this you will be able to apply what you have learnt to your daily experiences. Therefore for example you will learn a basic structure of first:

  1. Writing out your experience
  2. Now start assessing for yourself the solution - how are you able to take responsibility for your reactions, your thoughts, your participation in the event/moments, your emotion and feeling reactions etc.  What did you realize was your role in how things played out from a smaller thought/feeling reaction to a greater personality design? How are you able to change yourself and your personality designs to no longer allow these patterns which you see do not support you from playing out
  3. Now if you have the tools of self forgiveness and self corrective statements under your belt - apply this this to the writings.
  4. With or without step 3 - start looking at how you will physically live the changes you have realized by either simply applying common sense and self awareness as discussed in step 2, or through the self corrective statements you wrote in step 3.

Here if you have any further questions about a specific experience and you have applied the tools from the course material - but you are still not sure how to look deeper - 2 suggestions are:

Place your writings on the Desteni Forum or the demonology forum if the writings are of a more sensitive nature where you would like to create an anonymous account. Or work your way up from DIP Lite to DIP pro where you are assigned a buddy who meets with you on chats weekly, to discuss problems you might be facing in your life, how to use the course material to support you and they are there to assist you if you get stuck in the lesson material.

If you are unable to afford DIP Pro - we have the option of blogging for sponsorship - where by simply practising your blogging you could receive sponsorship to do DIP pro:


Blogging for Sponsorship 

Now all that is left is to simply start practicing - realizing as I mentioned in the first 2 blogs - is that for all of us blogging was something that we had to practice, paragraph by paragraph, incorporating the different techniques a step at a time until there is more of a flow to ones self awareness journey through writing.
Please take a look at some of the blogs on our forum:




Monday, March 9, 2015

Day 204: Experiencing Trauma Part 4 | Out of Body Experiences


"So,  from there what developed in me was my father's depression - where I basically made the decision to 'take on' my fathers depression in 'honour of him' - yes I know it sounds weird  - it so often does when we look back at the things we do and you're like 'what??' But yes I was pining myself to death in his honour - feeling his sadness from his life and my sadness for losing him. A few months after my father's death I started having strange dreams about him. The one was where I would see his coffin inside the  crematory. The flames would start up and I would be trapped inside this dream watching at first the coffin then his body starting to burn. I remember inside the dream I would feel the trauma within my mind pulsing inside my mind, something which I consciously knew at all times was there but would never speak about. I was also to embarrassed to speak about it because we all tend to know that death is something that happens and it is something that you are supposed to 'get over'. Therefore, I knew that something was 'off' so to speak about the fact that I had never dealt with my fathers death and that this sadness constantly stayed with me. In the dream it would switch from him in the coffin to me - where for a few second I would be lying in the coffin feeling the  heat of the flames increasing around me…"

From here I started experiencing 'out of body type experiences'. At this point in my life I was maybe 16/17 and had no real reference to what out of body experiences were. I remember I would be drifting off to sleep and next thing I would feel myself pulling away from my body and drifting up towards the ceiling. Then I would find myself in a 'tunnel' - floating upwards. Next thing I am sitting in a white room with my father sitting opposite me. This happened to me twice. The first time only my father spoke, telling me about how he was and about my life etc. It was interesting because I remember I could not speak, did not want to speak, simply sat there listening to him. The second time this happened I could speak and asked him many questions. He tried to explain to me that he was fine and that I must let him go and live my life and that he will always be with me (sounds familiar?). This did not really ease my mind and I held onto these fears, doubts and guilt for some years still.

I remember when I was going through my 'demon possession phase' lol - I constantly felt like my dad was with me, especially in my mothers house I could see him and sense him, but mostly these experiences left me frightened and unsure. Probably because I was at times frightened by this ability that was opening in me to see spirits and combined with this fear of my father being this unexplained traumatic element - left me always wanting to see his spirit but feeling anxious about it at the same time. A part of me feared that he may turn into a demon and hurt me, which I realized later as I started working with understanding how my mind processed this trauma, was simply me focussing all my unresolved feelings about his death into this 'dark entity' which his spirit represented. Therefore whether he was there or not and whether he was reaching out to me or not, the emphasis that I am placing here is the fact that I created a darkness in my mind filled with all my fear and trauma and unresolved questions about his death - all into a dark mass which I projected outward into the realm of ghosts and hauntings. Therefore what was haunting me most of my youth now became something tangible, something which one could read about in books and then say 'yes, I am being haunted by something'. Thus as my attention turned more and more onto 'the paranormal' unfortunately I had this one entity that was my own creation towards my father. It was very assisting for me once I started working with Jack my 'guide' because he stabilised me enough when I would go into fear towards an apparition to understand that I was simply uncertain about what I was facing. For example after connecting with Jack I stopped seeing my father in my old house as Jack would simply stabilise me and explain to me where my fears were coming from.

As you can see my childhood trauma took on a specific outlet with me. For different people the experience and the minds ability to process trauma might be different. Some turn to drugs/alcohol/substance abuse, some experience behavioural and personality changes, some withdraw and go into depression, some as the interview speaks of will have random imaginations playing out around the trauma which the person might take on and start making their own. What I realize about looking back at how I 'did not' cope with the trauma of my fathers death is that it is not necessarily easy for parents to always stabilise children around these sorts of events. I mean I was looking at what my parents could have done differently specifically around the point of my father dying. Would it have helped if they rather closed the door and I had not heard that my father will probably die? Should they have educated me better about what death is? What I do realize though is that there are millions and millions of subtle hidden dimensions that go into every moment for a child's development. I mean here you are seeing just one life affected by specific dimensions that affected each other. Each person has their own experience of 'trauma'. What I have realized over the years is that the mind is very sensitive and very specific and its programing is very intensive if you look at pre-programmed designs, combined with life events and how the child and even adult copes with what we experience and how this shapes 'who we are'. I mean in each of those experiences, as you are able to see my imagination played a big role, my thought patterns exacerbated and contributed immensely to how these problems developed and obviously my feelings and emotions were almost the glue that kept all of these experiences together.

Going back in time and looking at the intricate nature of these experiences which are obviously not unique but still were quite intense for me - I realized over the last few years how our minds are really vast machines that have to process millions and millions of experiences and perception in each moment of each day. We are constantly programming new ideas, responses and characters based on millions of equations. Therefore as 'an adult' I realize the importance for parents to not just treat a child like something they can practise their own beliefs on or something that does not learn directly moment by moment from you as the parent. The child also does not only learn only what you think you are teaching them. They are learning what we are REALLY doing all the time - for example as parents we tend to want to hide and supress our emotional reactions around the child. Sometimes not even very well. So we THINK the child is not noticing that the mother is actually furious with dad over X and dad is frustrated with work and mom is jealous over dad's female work colleagues so she snaps at dad using sarcasm every 2 mins and dad is annoyed with mom because she…… The child is on a quantum mind/quantum physical level picking up on all of these programs - remember the human physical body and mind are programs that read other programs. So obviously a child which especially in its first lets say 7 years are supper fast at quantum programming - will pick up the programs running in its environment and adapt its own personalities around the 'examples' that are being set for it. So for example the 'terrible 2's' are not only a child developing its own little ways of wanting things its way, it is also how the child is mirroring or becoming the underlying emotional reactions and ways of dealing with issues, that the parents are coping with.

At the same time I am not saying that we need to find ways to necessarily protect children from trauma but more the emphasis should be on assisting children and ourselves to not over react to situations. For example if one look at any experience we have had where we felt like it was just to much, where we experience 'trauma'. What one will often find is that most of the time it is because of the emotional reaction we have to the event or person based on the values we attach to what is happening.

To give you an example - what I mean by over reacting in emotions would for example be: somebody says to me hey you have picked up weight. Now depending on the definitions and values I have attached to somebody saying this - will depend on my experience towards what is being said. For example if my self esteem is quite stable and I have not attached much or any value to what it means if someone says this and what it means if I have put one some weight - then I will see this merely as someone pointing out something they have noticed. If however I have all these belief systems about my self worth being attached to what other say about me and about 'fat' or 'weight' then my reactions will be different. I would for example react immediately to what the person says with for example a thought such as 'oh no she noticed', 'oh god this is bad' and a ice cold jolt goes through my stomach and you feel embarrassed and more thoughts come flooding and now you experience self judgment about 'weight' such as 'I don’t look good' and 'she must think I eat a lot' etc etc. From there you experience a spiralling of thoughts, emotions and reactions from a basic comment made by someone irrelevant of their starting point into a self reaction based on what already exist inside of us as 'self-belief'.

So this is an example of where we have made a situation more than what it is simply because of mind-created problems triggered by the words or deeds of another. This is obviously a minor example - but if one go and look at how we handle difficult situations from something small like someone saying 'you have picked up weight' to bigger subjects such as a trauma around someone's death - it helps to support oneself to understand how one is morphing/changing the original event into something more, something that really does not serve us - due to additional mind layers. Mind layers would for example be what I walked in that example - placing ones worth outside of self into 'what other say of me' or giving 'weight/fat' a specific 'bad definition and then taking that personally and becoming that definition. Usually these reactions come from how society views something which we then take on and make our own 'self-belief' systems. Therefore something becomes an emotional-mind trauma as one react to ones own self created belief systems - and we literally get carried away by an emotional experience - which takes one from experiencing something at a more basic level to feeling traumatised or done in or infuriated or insulted etc...


For more information blogs shared on children and development:

Interviews:


Blog:


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Day 203: Experiencing Trauma Part 3 | Death

Continuation from:



"Looking back at that whole situation now I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist. I remember for months I was still traumatised by the 'weather' and I remember I would over the weekends refuse to leave the house if the weather looked unstable. If I was sitting in class towards the end of the school day I would simply stare out the window at the clouds. Just watch the clouds like a monster that was slowly, painfully turning from its dark corner to pounce. I would just sit there 'praying' to the skies, to please not storm on my way home. I was petrified that a storm might break out as I was leaving the school and I had to go 'out there' where I had minimal cover while I waited for my buss. "

Note: in relation to this previous comment where I said ' I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist' - in a conversation with my mother yesterday -I was telling her that I was writing blogs about these 'childhood traumas' and asked her why they did not send me to a psychologist. She replied that they did send me to a school councilor for a few sessions and that in the end it was the councilor that said 'in time it will sort itself out' and therefore they sent me to school where the incident with the headmaster happened. So this does not instill me with a lot of confidence when it comes to child psychologists/councilors. Any way moving on -

A few weeks before my eleventh birthday I was sitting in my bedroom one afternoon doing homework and my mom walks into my room. She tells me that my father had a heart attack and is in hospital. We were planning on visiting him that evening but I found myself just getting angry instead of feeling upset or sad. By the time we got to the hospital and my sisters and mother were hugging him and crying I was like a fuming demon lol. I refused to give him a hug and I simply stood just inside the door glaring at him. I was pissed.

The next morning at 3 am my sisters wake me up to tell me that our father had died. He had 2 big heart attacks. So from there on out my experience shifted in various ways. The trauma of knowing my father was going to die had obviously taken an immense toll on my young mind. Now after my fathers death I started considering into my teenage years the reason for his death or at least contributing factors. It turned out that my father (who's heart was obviously quite weak) was under a lot of pressure at work because that morning that he had his heart attack the bank that he worked at - a whole bunch of bank employees were going to be retrenched. My father was the bank manager but did not know himself who would be retrenched and whether his own job was secure (his bank was merging with another bank). By the time he was preparing to go to work he was already having the first heart attack. My sister noticed that he was looking very pale and sweaty and asked him what was wrong, to which he replied 'nothing' and that she must please not say anything to my mother or sisters because they would just get worried. By the time he got to the bank he collapsed.

The reason why I shared this whole story with you is because this information created immense guilt within me towards my father. When I found out that he had the heart attack probably from worrying over potentially losing his job I realized that he was probably concerned for his family - to be able to provide for his wife and 4 daughters. From this I created immense guilt for being the reason why he died. Over the years I also considered that if it was not for our existing money system a man (or woman) would not have to die out of fear that they cannot provide for their family.

So, from there what developed in me was my father's depression - where I basically made the decision to 'take on' my fathers depression in 'honour of him' - yes I know it sounds weird - it so often does when we look back at the things we do and you're like 'what??' But yes I was pining myself to death in his honour - feeling his sadness from his life and my sadness for losing him. A few months after my father's death I started having strange dreams about him. The one was where I would see his coffin inside the crematory. The flames would start up and I would be trapped inside this dream watching at first the coffin then his body starting to burn. I remember inside the dream I would feel the trauma within my mind pulsing inside my mind, something which I consciously knew at all times was there but would never speak about. I was also to embarrassed to speak about it because we all tend to know that death is something that happens and it is something that you are supposed to 'get over'. Therefore, I knew that something was 'off' so to speak about the fact that I had never dealt with my fathers death and that this sadness constantly stayed with me. In the dream it would switch from him in the coffin to me - where for a few second I would be lying in the coffin feeling the heat of the flames increasing around me...

Monday, March 2, 2015

Day 202: Experiencing Trauma Part 2 | Nervous Breakdown

Continuation from:



These blogs are based on the following Interview:



"Eventually my paranoia turned into sleep walking, where after an evening of sleeping over at a friends house, my friend would tell me the next morning that they were woken up in the middle of the night to noises coming from the kitchen. There lol they would find me unpacking their kitchen cupboards mumbling to myself. This sleep walking also happened at home where my mom and dad would often find me wandering up and down the passage way and often when they would go to bed they would find me sitting by their bedroom door. I would of course not remember any of this the next morning…"

Then In school I had a nervous breakdown: what happened was that a school bully turned his attentions onto me for months. Eventually my mind tried to cope with this experience and projected it outwards onto something else I could be afraid of. I mean if I look back at it now, a child who was relatively stable probably would have been ok, but my mind was very inverted, very unsure and it was as if my platform within my mind for being able to handle stress was simply not there or simply had no stable foundation. Therefore I started developing an intense fear of thunder storms - yes you heard me thunder storms. I remember one day my mom was late picking me up from school and when she did arrive hours later I was completely alone, no other child or car anywhere to be seen. I was standing on the side walk in front of the school sopping wet afraid that my mother was not going to pick me up. The fear of abandonment, of a parent going away was so fresh in my mind that this moment where my mother was late sent me into a new trauma which obviously my mind could not deal with. My mother finally arrived and off we went. On our way home due to all the rain and flooded roads our car broke down. Some people stopped and gave us a lift to their house where we waiting for my father to fetch us. My father took a very long time to come and fetch us (was probably only an hour but to me it felt very long) and I remember in my mind I was worried that he would not arrive or at least wondering 'why it was taking so long'. This whole dynamic really messed with my young mind - it was slowly unbalancing me.

The next day I wake up and it is cloudy outside. As I get up and prepare for school a weird kind of panic sets into my young mind and body and my mind starts explaining that I cannot go out into the rain. I told my mom but knew that she would not understand so also told her that I was not feeling well. The next day the same thing happened where I woke up and even though it was sunny I was completely paralysed with fear. My mother tried persuading me to go to school but I started crying hysterically mumbling about the weather and storms and that I just could not go out there. My mom and dad let me stay away from school for a few days and then realised they had a problem. Each morning they would try and coax me out of the house and I would literally grip onto the door frame and cry, begging them to not let me go 'out there where it might storm'. Eventually my parents saw a day when it was sunny and they convinced me probably with presents or something to get in the car so that they could take me to the doctor.

The doctor asked me some questions about what was going on in my life, in school and cleverly steered the conversation in the correct way to find out that a boy in my class had been bullying me for a few months. The school was contacted and the boy was removed to another class. Now the next step was to get me to the school 'councillor'. I don’t think this councillor was a councillor. It was simply the headmaster who stood as that role and pretended to know what a child needed. I am sure we all have some stories of people in the education or child care fields who really don’t know what they are doing and try and treat children according to their own frame of reference or some old school psychology method from the 1950's which would be found in the same textbooks as 'How to perform a Lobotomy'.

Anyway after speaking to me for a while and trying to tell me that everything was 'ok' he then said to me ok I am now going to say goodbye to my parents and go to my classroom. Of course complete fear overtook me and I immediately went and clung to my parents. Some how (cannot remember clearly) he gets me away from them and tells them to leave. Now I am in a complete state of panic and feel like my entire mind is collapsing in on itself. My parents start leaving and I remember just thinking of how to get to them, to not let them leave without me. I lie to the headmaster and tell him that I am ok but I just wanted to say bye to my parents properly. He agrees and I dash off crying like a mad thing, clinging like a monkey to my mom's dress. I am begging them not to leave me. At this stage my mother is crying because now she does not know what to do and the headmaster (realising he had been duped by a little kid) pulls me away from my mother picks me up and carries me in the opposite direction. As soon as my parents are out of sight he puts me down and tries to explain to me that I need to go to class. Shit I was completely beside myself. I beg and plead and I think at some stage I even threated him for 'taking him away from my parents' lol like he was some kidnapper. Anyways he was not going to be duped twice so he just said he is taking me to my class and there everything will be ok. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and off we go - me crying and begging and screaming for all the world to hear. We get to just outside the class room and he puts me down.

Now my hysteria has subsided to at least just a cry, because now I know my class mates are just inside and can hear me plus I am getting very tired. He opens the door slightly and asks for the teacher to come out and he explains to her what has happened and that she must please take me in and help me get settled. Shame I tried to explain to her my dilemma and that she please needs to let me go to my parents but she did not fall for it lol. Anyways she leads me into the classroom and even though I was still crying and felt completely constricted with panic - all that was stopping me now from complete hysteria was all of these faces starring at me. The teacher tactfully explains that I was not feeling well and that they must all please be nice to me and make me feel welcome. She explained that they were actually in the middle of a test, but that she would help me. So she sat next to me and would ask me the question and whether I would get them right or wrong she would fill in the correct answers and made sure I passed the test.

Looking back at that whole situation now I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist. I remember for months I was still traumatised by the 'weather' and I remember I would over the weekends refuse to leave the house if the weather looked unstable. If I was sitting in class towards the end of the school day I would simply stare out the window at the clouds. Just watch the clouds like a monster that was slowly, painfully turning from its dark corner to pounce. I would just sit there 'praying' to the skies, to please not storm on my way home. I was petrified that a storm might break out as I was leaving the school and I had to go 'out there' where I had minimal cover while I waited for my buss.

Day 201: Experiencing Trauma Part 1 | The Sleepwalker

The other day I was sitting in on an Eqafe Interview and I could completely relate to what was being discussed.

Releasing Trauma - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Part 54



During the Interview I was looking back at my own experiences around childhood traumas, specifically around the years surrounding my fathers death. I had experiences great difficulty dealing with my fathers death for 2 reasons:

Firstly the fact that I knew he was going to die years before he died - let me explain. My father was a chain smoker. He developed a heart problem which was exacerbated by smoking. After my father had his first heart attack I remember the one day I went with when my father had a doctors appointment. I cannot remember how old I was then, but basically I was asked to sit outside the doctors room and wait while they talked. They left the door slightly ajar probably so that I would still be able to see my parents, not realizing that I could hear their conversation. So basically I heard the doctor tell my father that if he carried on smoking that eventually he would die from another heart attack - his heart was that weak. So as you can 'imagine' what shock this is for a young child to hear.

This became a burden which I carried with me for many many years probably up until the ager of about 28/29 when I was able to work with the information effectively to let it go. So for years I remembered what the doctor said and this settled itself into my mind and body as a perpetual fear that my father could die any day. Of course my father who also had depression, did not seem to concern himself with the doctors warnings and continued to chain smoke, which of course confirmed to me that any minute he was going to die. I don’t know why my father carried on chain smoking the way he did, whether it was because the addiction was to strong or because he did not care. I suspect that it was a combination of both points - meaning he had depression and from my own experience as I am sure other people are able to relate once in a 'depressive mind state' you pretty much become numb to what is happening around you and thus don’t 'care' about your life or even your health. Combine that with an additive personality or an addictive substance such as what most of us have experiences at some point or another and you are bound to end up with creating physical consequences due to the abuse of some form of substance or reckless behaviour.

Over the years my fear of my father dying turned into paranoia. If for example my father would not arrive back from work at a certain time, I would start fearing the worst and imagining (paranoia) all kinds of situations and that any minute we would get a phone call from the hospital. I would spend those evenings sitting near the windows to watch and see when his car would turn into the drive way, and when it did I would obviously feel immense relief. At least he was safe and with me - at least until tomorrow. This went on for years and eventually I started to develop a paranoid personality, where I would fear things like sleeping over at my sisters apartment or going for sleep overs at a friends house. I remember whenever a friend would invite me to a sleep over, I would be struck with anxiety and would try and first make excuses to get out of it. Therefore I rarely slept over and when I did I would often start becoming to paranoid (without understanding what was happening) that I would wait until my friend would fall asleep and then I would go and sit by the window and hope that some how my mom and dad knew that I was frightened and would come and fetch me.

Eventually my paranoia turned into sleep walking, where after an evening of sleeping over at a friends house, my friend would tell me the next morning that they were woken up in the middle of the night to noises coming from the kitchen. There lol they would find me unpacking their kitchen cupboards mumbling to myself. This sleep walking also happened at home where my mom and dad would often find me wandering up and down the passage way and often when they would go to bed they would find me sitting by their bedroom door. I would of course not remember any of this the next morning...

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Day 200: Writing a Blog part 9



"I suggested that she immediately note down in the form of a tree structure or flow chart what points she already knew about her subject. From this she could create a 'skeleton structure' to place into some sort of structure the information that she is already aware of as well as using this to now start the research process into getting a fuller picture of the subject you are dealing with. This 'structure would allow her to keep tabs of what she will be walking as blogs throughout the series and at any given time you are able to slot in new pieces of information that reveal themselves as you do your research."

Now you have started for example a tree structure or flow chart to assist yourself initially to lay down a basic foundation of points you have already seen you would like to discuss in blogs. This structure will allow you to at any given time as you go about your research slot in new topics you would like to discuss in future blogs. Interesting when I started studying Psychology one of the first module lessons consisted of simple tools to use throughout our studies. It is here that they showed us how to create for example tree structures and flow charts. This came in very handy throughout my studies. Here is an example of a 'tree structure'.




As you will see this is a very basic structure where I started pulling together points about capitalism. This is just an example to show how creating a basic structure for oneself allows you to first 'off-hand' just slot in what is off the top of your head, and from there you start researching more about the subject you want to explore - slotting in more topics as you go along. Other people may have different suggestions, so you may even think of emailing or messaging a person who's blogs you enjoy to ask them how they have gone about learning to blog and what if any structure do they use in their blogging. Some blogs might be simple and only require writing, whereas others such as writing about world problem/solutions might require more detailed research and preparation.

Next step as I indicated before is to start researching your subject. Here you are looking at the Internet or books. If you are using the Internet be aware of the difference between people's opinions and what is more substantial such as physical facts and research documentation. There are numerous websites that will present opinions, gossip and 'conspiracy theories'. So look out for the source of someone's information - try and draw your information from sources that are credible and sound. It is easy to get lost in a sea of information on the Internet that has been filtered from 'truth' to opinion/belief.

First Blog


I suggest in the first blog within a series to do an introduction on the topic you will be writing on. This way you prepare the way for what its is you will be discussing and why most importantly you have decided to address this subject. Often people who write blogs tend to forget who it is that we are speaking to. We are writing for ourselves yes, but the fact that we are placing these blogs on the internet means that we want to share our process with other people, therefore most importantly don’t forget that you are speaking mostly to people who have probably never considered your point of view. Or if they are familiar with the subject or your point of view, then still consider that you are wanting people to be at ease with your information, don’t assume that they will 'get it'. From my experience I have found that often if you throw one chunk of hard to grasp information at people with complex lingo, then more often than not people come back with questions and/or remarks. This also results in people attacking that which they do not understand, or simply ignoring it because mostly people don’t care to do their research lol - therefore if you loose them half way in, they will simply close the page. People do not want to work hard to read your blog - that is after all why we have the internet to make things more accessible -which results in the 'fast-food mentality when it comes to information sharing. So people want to get to a website that soothes the mind, meaning the information is clear/understandable and structured. I have found this myself, where due to questions on my blogs and vlogs I now see areas where I should have started right at the beginning, instead of speaking to people as if they already grasp parts of what I am saying.

Understanding what it is that you are reading


Sometimes you might come across information that literally boggles your brain. This happens to all of us, especially if one is not use to processing information. The brain and mind simply requires more practice and comprehension and processing of information, so again I suggest to not be put off by this. Take one piece of information and read it and if necessary (this is what I do) do a new google search on the same subject. Sometimes you will find that there are people who write more 'advanced' as they might themselves be an academic or over the years have gathered so much information about a subject that they forget they are sharing with people who have never really studied the subject before - which obviously relates to my previous point!

After you have searched for various descriptions of the subject and you found one that you understand, write it out in your own words so that you can see for yourself what it is that you still don’t fully grasp. You might find yourself reading something and then thinking 'what the hell'? For example you don’t necessarily expect yourself to read up on how does the American Economy function and get it the first time - so split the subject into Sub-Topics and Sub topics within that - taking on each part, writing it out and coming to grips with it.

Have fun with the topic


Remember what I shared in the first few blogs about practise and not creating expectations of yourself that place unnecessary pressure? I suggest see writing as something that you are developing within yourself - not a competition with others - so make it your own. Do it in the way that interests you, or even in a way that you see is missing from other people's writings and explore how to explain this subject/topic yourself in a way that you as the public reader will grasp and enjoy. You could use pictures and links to videos etc. Place yourself in the shoes of not only yourself, meaning being realistic about where you are at and how you process information, but also the shoes of others. Many people scoff at big subjects that they (we all) have come to believe is too much, to vast for us. So if you have taken this first step into exploring the world in blog writing, then you are already one step further. Also remember that one of the reasons why people don’t read and don’t educate themselves is because of the belief that it is too difficult or that we are not intellectually up to it. This is plain and simple brain washing of the masses to keep people thinking we are stupid and not good enough to question the system. Therefore you have dumbing down of the people who accept the system and themselves as workers for the system, without questioning that which we are starting to see does not make sense. So in writing lets explore ways of placing information in such a way that we educate everybody by explaining things clearly.

Looking off the top of your head for something to write about? Either research key points you already have an interest in or read other people's blogs and maybe write it in your own words or write how this particular topic pertains to the country you live in. Perhaps you see things in the blog that was left out or that you wondered about - expand on it as your blog and add a link in your blog to the other blog...

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