Day 33: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 17

This is a continuation from:

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-32-international-crime-research.html



Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.



To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.

“During my teenage years the girls mostly ignored me and I learnt to accept that I was not handsome or cool enough for the girls I liked. By the age of 17 I dated a girl for a few months but she wanted to wait for sex after marriage so I did not score and therefore felt even more withdrawn from this reality that I felt I was supposed to be in with the other young men, bragging about their girlfriends and whether they scored with them or not. So I distracted myself during breaks to not have to watch and be part of the socialization of the horny teenagers outside, and followed my interest, which was to play on the computers in the library. I developed an interest in computer programming and after graduating I studied to become a computer programmer.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one should be handsome to others, in order for me to accept myself.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition and response myself into and as the character of ‘not cool’ and ‘unattractive’ – therefore by accepting myself as these labels, I am creating and fueling my experience as I have now created the platform from which I develop further characters into experiences surrounding ‘not cool’ and ‘unattractive’.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this conditioned response to be the true nature of myself as I plan and plot who and what I will now become as I allow my reactions to the responses and moods of other people to become me in living manifestation, while years later I blame others for who I became, not realizing that if I were to look back at my life I would see the time line of decisions made, in which I justified this conditioning because I have already allowed myself to exist as a Mind System that creates behaviors and exists according to pleasing characters.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself each step of the way as I experienced rejection from girls/boys to allow conscious thoughts in relation to what I initially experienced, followed by backchat conversations during which I would talk myself into a ‘realization’ of who I am in response to the information I was placing



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide who I would be in relation to past memories of what I had seen happen to other people who were rejected by the opposite sex. Therefore from there through the backchat conversations, I allowed myself to convince myself of my worth as a final decision based on all the information I had presented to myself about the conclusion within my mind of ‘I am this because of that.’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power to ideas I formed around the meaning of things where I would see, watch and understand something I saw happening to others, not from a realistic common-sensical perspective – but through the mind of judgments, fears, patterns, addictions, energy etc.



Therefore:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that as I made these ‘decisions’ about myself in relation to my experiences, I was not in fact using common sense reality based assessments of myself, but using pre-programmed values existent in society which are placed through the unconscious mind called ‘consciousness’as the rules by which humans exist.



Therefore:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the rules of what it means to be human, according to the thoughts that come up in my mind as I experience reality – not realizing for myself that these harmful, self-abusive thoughts in no way support me here as Life in the Physical, as a Breathing functional, Equal and One being to all others – but instead the information as my thoughts follow a ‘train of thought’ that take me into accepting myself as less than who I am.



Therefore:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘a someone’, a character, due to the accumulation of thoughts based on the rules of what it means to be human, where I now years down the line have become a being I probably would look back at in disbelief if I were to step out of this mind and observe myself in self honesty for a moment.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become this ‘somebody’ due to the accumulation of decisions I made throughout my life in minor moments where I would think or react or feel in relation to my experiences and then accept that experience and from there, make decisions based on the memory of information accumulated.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts such as ‘I am not good enough’ or to present pictures to myself of who I should be or why I am not good enough.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat conversations around why I am not good enough and how to avoid the experience of rejection or embarrassment.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reactions such as sweating, heart palpitations, looking away, anger, irritation etc.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing physical behaviors to develop such as avoidance, sitting alone, quietness, reclusiveness, spending all my time on the Internet etc.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make life or career decision such as ‘working with computers’ not as a natural self-expression, but as a coping mechanism originally used to avoid being around certain people or situations.



I commit myself to show how even a pedophile/sex addict exists due to a thought which if you open the thought up – you will find a history of memories that make up the present decision, whether it be a feeling that ‘overcomes the being’ or a specific thought or a physical behavior that kicks in.



I commit myself to show that there is support available for all who are equally in the same boat called the mind and how all patterns, behaviors, characters can be traced to its origin point and that the origin point is not some elusive evil spirit or evil god – but in our history and make-up – all to be found in memories and how we become characters in relation/response to memories (past events).

Day 32: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 16

This is a continuation from:

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-31-international-crime-research.html


Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.



To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.

Pedophile Character: Person who watches child porn as a substitute for male/female sexual companionship.

“By the age of 15, I knew that I was interested in girls and like most boys my age developed masturbation fantasies around girls in my school."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop masturbation fantasies of girls/boys and through this developed a false idea about sex and the physical body, as my reference point became about the energy and not the interaction with and movement of my and the other physical body in natural self-honest self expression.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through this false image of the body and the sex, to create a vast network from which I can create any picture to masturbate to as I got older, not realizing that I was opening the door to becoming an abuser as I trained myself form young to give permission to my mind to conjure and connect images to sexual gratification and masturbation.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in that moment as the decision I made to create and allow secret fantasies of others in my mind –to establish myself as the character of abuser within this world as I allowed myself within my mind – which is me – to exist as someone who secretly does things to others without them knowing – where in real life I would never admit to the person that I was doing these things to them within myself.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to within creating these fantasies to also create secret conversations, hopes, dreams and outcomes within my energetic relationships to these images, which did not match the reality of my situation – which further fueled my inner turmoil if I did not get in real life what I was already getting or hoping to get in my energy reality of my mind.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world is in the state it is with mind possessions escalating, because the inner reality as the Mind is never Equal to what really happens in the physical - therefore people end up going into Mind Possessions because when they cannot have in ‘Real Life’ what they believed/imaged/desired themselves to have in the Mind.



Therefore; I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place so much value in what my Mind reality wants and can have, not considering self honestly that I am the one who created a world of conflict, abuse, war, terrorism, pain, inequality –because eventually we always inflict the desires of the inner reality (mind) onto the Physical Reality, whether it wants it or not. That is why people can watch war abuse, poverty, rape, murder, starvation etc without blinking – because each one already through thinking has forced our mind Realities of ‘I want!’ to such an extend within ourselves that we through backchat always win and always get what we want – therefore when we see this forcing happening ‘for real’ in the physical reality – we do not even blink an eye.



I commit myself to show that as long as we have realities within which we exist in the mind, that we will always end up abusing the physical reality – as we have laced such value on what exists in the individuals mind that nobody is willing to stand up for the abuse we allow in the physical reality and to each other.



I commit myself to show that children are educated in how to exist in the mind, which becomes the starting point of ‘who I am’ through how parents teach them to follow the rules of culture, religion, family and society – with no regard for the outflow of a culture we have created where all get to abuse Life on this planet – as long as the abuse is justified in that it was part of the individuals rights to freedom of expression.



I commit myself to show that the family, religious and cultural systems are ‘protectors’ of the mind – where a young person is shown how to become emotional characters and are trained in how to manipulate others and self to get ‘what I want’ regardless of the effects on the world.

“I remember the one day I was sitting in class and I heard the girls sitting at the table behind me, talking about me. Shelly was asking Valerie whom she was going to invite to her birthday party. Shelly would mention people in the class’ names and Valerie would respond with a ‘yes’, ‘no’ or some personal insult to clarify her discontent towards that boy or girls and the reason why they definitely would not be invited to her birthday party. I was following their conversation, because I was intrigued to know whether I would be invited to this party. The only other parties I had been to were that of my guys friends and I had never been invited by a girl to one of their birthday parties. That seemed like something that was reserved for the semi popular/cool or attractive guys. The ‘nerds’ were only invited by other nerds and nobody paid any attention to who was being invited to their parties. This in itself caused a tingle in my belly, as I knew that being invited to Valerie’s party would mean the beginning of this phase where we now start treating each other in different context’s then mere ‘children’. As Shelly whispered my name my stomach tightened and I unconsciously held my breath. From all the nasty comments I heard Valerie make about some of the other boys and girls, I couldn’t help but wish that she would magically see me as someone cool enough to get invited to her shindig. Shelly whispered my name and Valerie’s response was ‘gross’. Shelly spurted out a short giggle and both girls tried to suppress their laughter into their hands before they continued onto the next unsuspecting victim. An ice-cold rod shot up my spine into my neck and face and a cold flash crept its way into my belly – as my worst fear had been realized: I was ugly and the girls hated me.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the game of self-esteem based on what others think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts around hoping others will approve of me.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in that moment to participate in the backchat conversation with myself of ‘hoping they would pick me’ and how I will experience myself if they rejected me – creating the character for myself of who and what I would become if I were to he rejected.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself from participating in the backchat to then generate a physical tension in anticipation of how these two individuals are going to decide for me who and what I am – thus inflicting onto my physical the abuse character I was creating in that moment through my thoughts.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a character around what others were apparently thinking and saying of me and through this infusing into the physical a system design based on the moment, as the values, the pictures, my reactions, fears, emotions, feelings – all into and as a system that shot up into my spine and infused itself from my mind consciousness system into my spine and through the physical – thus predesigning my responses for the rest of my life, on how I would experience myself in similar situations.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preprogram myself from the character of ‘rejected and hurt’ into someone who would then take situations in which I reacted and felt ‘hurt’ to further fuel the system, until I became an abuser of others because I built on this original memory from my youth where I allowed myself to take what was said personally and to systematically design my anger and resentment over time, into a system, which would then later on activate me into responding to my past by hurting others as they represented pictures, images, and symbols I then responded to in light of this system design.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a judgment of people who are not invited to parties by popular people and then living out the character of the ‘rejected one’ according to the judgments I created and participated in.



I commit myself to show how all relationships are created through thoughts and thoughts exists as a means of protecting oneself from others, therefore by the time you have created a relationship with another, you have designed it so as to exist as that which you want to protect about your characters.



I commit myself to show how relationship dynamics, is actually just another way of saying how we support the creation of characters to protect ourselves to not have to be self honest and thus relationship dynamic is how one moves yourself into character to appear as something more than what you are while only responding to the dynamics (character) within another that will compliment the character one is currently primarily existent within –whether this is what is best for humanity or not.

Day 2: Overwhelmed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea and the belief that I am overwhelmed by allot of information in a book.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the physical and mental trap of feeling overwhelmed as soon as I have to read a lot of information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the idea I created that my psychology studies are overwhelming at times, thus creating a mind and physical reaction of becoming overwhelmed, which results in headaches.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself here as breath as consistency, to get through the material and the information.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move through the material in consistency, taking in what is required for me to learn to achieve the end goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any backchat thoughts and experiences in relation to feeling “overwhelmed” which fuel the experience even more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel the backchat thoughts as a point of self-sabotage and self-abuse, in which I am not realizing that I am not assisting and supporting myself through the material – bit instead further compromising myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fluctuate between trusting myself to work with the information effectively, to not trusting myself and allowing self-doubt – thus creating cycles of self-doubt, because I am not proving to myself consistently that I am able to work with the information.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stick to the basics of why I am studying and the basics of breath and self-trust, to support me to move through the information, as I have proven to myself time and time again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing images and memories around ‘failing’ to influence my ability here now to work with this information and to get the work done.

I forgive myself for manipulating myself through fear of failure.

I commit myself to remain consistent in working with information.

I commit myself to remain consistent as my breathing as I work through the information, never allowing myself to give the information more worth or value than what it actually is.

I commit myself to not allow myself to influence myself with backchat thoughts into patterns of self-doubt and self-sabotage.

I commit myself in realizing that I am able to work with the information, no matter how much there is and that I have all the tools as myself to support myself through getting the work done.

I commit myself in support myself effectively each step of the way by drinking enough water, taking enough brakes and not allowing backchat sabotage thoughts through which I may influence my ability to work with the information.

I commit myself to remain focused and diligent in the work that requires to be done, not allowing myself to give into a pattern of procrastination of ‘giving up’ which is based on fear of self-movement/fear of failure.

 I commit myself to not allow any illusion around the point of studying such as “I cannot do it”, or “what if I don’t get the work done in time” as a backchat point on which I fall into self-doubt.