Day 197: Writing a blog part 7

Day 191: Writing a Blog Part 1

Day 192: Writing a Blog part 2

Day 193: Writing a Blog part 3

Day 194: Writing a Blog part 4

Day 195: Writing a Blog part 5

Day 196: Writing a Blog part 6

"The reason why I shared my time line of experiences to how my interest in Criminology developed was to show that sometimes one has experience in a subject, from which the interest grows, but sometimes you only have a small interest in a subject which comes from for example an awareness or from reading articles on the internet. Either way from here if ones decides to pursue the subject - it takes a bit of research to familiarise oneself with the subject - therefore 'Research is the key'."

Working in the South African Police force and studying Criminology, obviously left me with a very black and white view to Criminal Behaviour - where a criminal is bad and the police catch criminals. Thanks to the work that I have been doing for the last few years I was able to start bridging the gap more between the understanding that currently exist in Criminology of 'what makes a criminal' to the grey areas that nobody in society really wants to talk about - such as if people steal because they don’t have an income - why are we creating and supporting a money system that excludes certain people from receiving their basic living requirements? Therefore you could say I became interested in the 'fringe psychology' within criminology where unfortunately Capitalism has very much set the precedent for how criminology exists. I mean from my perspective you could say that Criminology as all studies in the world is 'in the pocket of the Capitalists' - therefore how can you really study Criminology if you are never allowed to really look at and speak about the real causes of Criminal behaviour.

Things that society rely upon such as the current money system which is based on inequality and abuse and a consumerist system based on Psychological system such as addiction to energy - if we never address these problems we don’t sort out the reason why people commit crimes. But because the entire human idea of existence relies on the value systems within the mind which ties in with consumerism - you will find that most Criminalists will stick to the main stream acceptable discussions and fields of study about Crime - but never dig deeper. For example everyone learns about for example 'crimes being committed because the person was poor or could not feed themselves or desires wealth' and then BAM the information literally stops there. So I have made it my field of interest to continue looking underneath the surface stuff. It was a few years ago that in conjunction with the work that I do with Life Coaching and the Living Income Guaranteed proposal - that myself and others who do the same thing decided to study Psychology to develop an understanding of how the more acceptable 'system' definitions and studies into the Human Mind works to see where we can improve on the acceptable understandings oh the Human Psyche. In this I selected Criminology as my Minor. So from this my blogs have been a focal point on looking underneath the 'surface' stuff where normal Psychology and Criminology stops.

Therefore in relation to the discussion of writing blogs - this is the first point I want to bring across for those interested in Blog Writing - whether it is about the World System and its Problems or about Self and Self Change - either way we are writing blogs in such a way to 'lift the veil' so to speak on 'what is out there' and 'what exist within' from what one understands about any given topic based on what has been published on the internet/books/research material. As I mentioned before, in a consumerist/capitalist based Psychology - most fields of study are linked into how the Mind is 'perceived to work' and from this perception we must understand that how we have been taught things work is not necessarily how they work. So in blog writing - we address the real way in which things work where you learn how to start questioning the information that is 'out there' and how this information works in the bigger picture -meaning developing the understanding that the information itself is part of a bigger design in essentially - yes I am going to say it - the controlling of the human being to exist within specific behaviours and allowances which serve specific groups to achieve specific goals. Be it from the Consumerist system to Politics to general control of the pollution - all of these 'domains' - which are seemingly invisible to the trusting populous - you will find if you do some research and start questioning the information behind the information - will reveal to you the Design of the World System…

Therefore, for me an interest opened up while doing policing and observing the effects of Crime on Society - at that stage I had a sympathy for some criminals, as I could see with limited insight that they came from tough lives and therefore in some cases I felt out right uncomfortable stopping and searching people or acting like a big tough cop and questioning people about their whereabouts, Especially considering that in the South African police force there are still many racist white policeman who enjoy the power trip of while wearing the uniform and gun, to use this as an opportunity to bully people from other colours.

Through the years doing policing I was on the one side also investigating spirituality, and therefore I started becoming more sensitive so to speak to the experiences of both the criminal and the victim. But at that stage I did not yet have the skills to 'lift the veil' on how crime works beyond what I had come to accept from what is 'accepted' by society- I remember just feeling really uneasy around certain policing procedures. It was only years later joining Bernard here at Desteni that he assisted me in seeing more of how the system worked and most importantly how to use tools such as research and common sense to assess that which exist in the world. Therefore, that is what blog writing is about - it is not just about placing information you are already aware of onto paper, but a platform to practise tools of expansion within the topic you are interested in. That is why our DesteniIProcess courses are developed to slowly expand a person's self awareness - and the blogs we write about 'world problems' becomes a personal platform from which ones learns about common sense and investigating what exist as the current accepted systems of the world.

Day 196: Writing a Blog part 6

Day 191: Writing a Blog Part 1

Day 192: Writing a Blog part 2

Day 193: Writing a Blog part 3

Day 194: Writing a Blog part 4

Day 195: Writing a Blog part 5

"As I mentioned in the previous blogs, to overcome these self created belief systems and fears, as a immediate solution, I suggest developing and embracing an understanding that these aspects one have created within self, firstly is not real, because it is an irrational fear, and secondly is something that you are able to change - if you apply the steps to change them. For myself when I started writing - I could hardly string one sentence together and from there had the support to develop how I saw things and how to place that into writing. So no  - it is not an instant thing and depending on your self created belief systems, you might have to apply yourself in common sense by stopping the abusive thoughts that do not serve you - while taking the ultimate self directive step to practise those things you believe you could not do. Obviously here it is about baby steps - to not overwhelm yourself or confirm your paranoia by go all for it, not getting it right and then proving to your beliefs that yes you could not do it. If this happens then know that you have created a lets call it 'self fulfilled prophecy' where you sabotaged yourself to get back to the same point you came from. The mind is very very sneaky this way.  Unfortunately this is how we designed the protection systems of the mind to protect it which is 'us' as personalities."

On the topic of 'world events and solution,' I will share with you the approach that I used: My main interest as you may have noticed has been Criminology. How this all got started: when I finished high school, I studied horsemanship to follow a career eventually in managing or working at some form of horse farm or facility. After attaining this qualification I found it difficult to find the job that I was looking for so spent most of my time pottering around at home and doing the odd office job. Someone suggested to me to consider while I was looking for a job that I would find suitable to use my qualifications to support the South African Mounted Police - which similar to most countries is the division of the South African Police force that works on horseback. I followed the suggestion and went to see the Superintendent of the horse unit. I assisted them with grooming and exercising the horses and from there soon developed a friendship with all the members, after which they suggested to me to become a Reservist - where you volunteer your services to the police - and depending on what you want to get involved in you can either do more low key responsibilities or become trained same as the full time members to assist them with their policing tasks, as a normal paid member would be doing. I wanted to patrol on horseback and do what the full time members did - so I went for my firearm training and they trained me in the tactics and techniques one would need once you are 'out there' patrolling on horse back. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I did this for 2 years after which time I was offered a job managing a horse farm. I did not want to still be working with or riding horses on the weekends so I took a break from the mounted police. After a while a friend of mine who moved from the mounted police to the uniform division (the 'normal' police stations) suggested to request for a transfer and then on my weekends off I could assist him for a few hours patrolling in the police vehicles and doing crime prevention. Once I was in that division of the police force it became compulsory for all reservist to receive training that the normal police members would receive as well - which made complete sense, because one is going out there arresting people and thus need to understand the law and the administration involved in policing. For 2 months I went to classes on the weekends and studies law and arrest procedures etc. This was also very enjoyable and I started developing more of an understanding of how the policing system worked.

I stayed at this unit for another 3 years working shifts with the members which involved responding to crimes, opening dockets, arrests etc - to the 'behind the scenes' policing which involved crime prevention and at times small under cover operations - which was a lot of fun - getting dressed up and playing certain roles to try and draw out criminals or extract information. So over the years I not only developed more of an understanding of the pressure that the police members are under but also that policing and criminology is unfortunately not really considering the full spectrum or perspectives of why crime exist. For example these people have to face traumatic events every day - either they themselves are placed in life threatening danger or they have to deal with people who have experiences crime to things like dead bodies, murder victims, abused children etc. Even for myself there were times when I faced points that were really difficult for me - such as dealing with/transporting the bodies of people who had killed themselves or been murdered, child abuse cases, animal abuse cases, people who were so traumatised by crime that they begged me to go and stay with me out of fear for their lives. There were some instances where I experiences post traumatic stress disorder (due to my more 'sensitive' personality design) and could not work for weeks, but this is obviously a 'luxury' which the normal members could not afford. I mean yes they had Psychologists they could see and they could be booked off work with PTSD, but in general this would only apply to extreme cases where the member as already showing signs of severe PTSD, where they could not function in their work capacity. This from what I found usually meant that the damage was already done - if a member got to the 'severe stages' and often I worked with members who were already at this stage, where their own lives deteriorated and either due to pride or ignorance they did not get the help they needed. I mean my one friend at the time who I worked with regularly has severe PTSD, but was only booked off work for months of counselling and rest when he finally one day pulled his weapon at the station on his colleagues…

The reason why I shared my time line of experiences to how my interest in Criminology developed was to show that sometimes one has experience in a subject, from which the interest grows, but sometimes you only have a small interest in a subject which comes from for example an awareness or from reading articles on the internet. Either way from here if ones decides to pursue the subject - it takes a bit of research to familiarise oneself with the subject - therefore 'Research is the key'.

More on Trauma in the South African Police Force:

Taken from:

1. Exploring the meaning of trauma in the South AfricanPolice Service: A systems psychodynamic perspective

"Theme 1: Traumatic incidents

Exposure to traumatic situations and scenes is an inevitable part of the job of policing. Most police officers report relatively low levels of death anxiety despite their dangerous profession:

‘Trauma in my work is almost like a daily routine, we experience it almost everyday.’ (Particpant K, member of South African Police Service)

‘The work of the SAPS STF is very dangerous and every time a member gets sent on a mission, his life is on the line.’ (Participant S, member of South African Police Service)

Although most participants experience the death of a colleague as traumatic, they do not consider it overwhelming: ‘Another traumatic time for me, was the death of two of my colleagues in a state vehicle accident. One of them was our commander at the

time and a very good friend of mine. This incident obviously affected the whole unit, but I don’t think we were ever properly debriefed.

Everyone had to deal with this in his or her own way. I feel I dealt with it, but these incidents will always stay with me.’ (Participant A, member of South African Police Service)

The unit is spoken of as a living entity. The whole unit was touched by the loss of two of its members and although they received no psychological intervention (which may be interpreted as support from management), the participant feels that he dealt with this loss in his own way. These incidents were integrated into his ego and became part of his history, and he considers this to be a normal way of coping with trauma.

A sense of meaning was attached to the death of the police officer who was killed in pursuit of a ‘cop killer’; he died for a reason, whereas the death of the officer who was killed whilst cycling was regarded as senseless and devoid of meaning. The employment of religious beliefs in seeking to attach meaning to traumatic experiences is clearly illustrated in the next insert:

‘Then there was X whose parachute did not open during a training jump at Y with the SANDF. He was with me in the plane and exited behind me.

I was the first person to find his body and had to deal with the sight and smell I saw. I did this by setting the example as I was the senior member from the police on the training intervention. I proceeded to handle the scene as professionally as possible without emotion, getting

everybody involved. Once again my defence was to block out any emotional thoughts and replace them with the spiritual reality that his body is destroyed but he lives on elsewhere.’ (Participant N, Member of the South African Police Service)

Anger, aggression and irritability are commonly associated with traumatisation. In the following excerpt, a participant describes his feelings of anger after arresting robbers who shot at a group of which he was part. The anger is directed at the robbers as well as at colleagues who were not at the scene but criticised what had happened there. Again, there is the notion that anyone who was not part of the specific incident, whether or not they are other police officers, cannot understand what it was like:

‘Although, later one regrets it that the robbers are not dead, because they shot to kill us. It was an unfair battle. Some people criticise one’s actions afterwards and say that they would have handled it better ... Then I think to myself: “do not comment if you were not part of that which happened when it happened.”’ (Participant C, member of the South African Police Service)

The sense of having been abandoned by the department was a common complaint amongst injured policemen. This is often perceived as a lack of support:

‘In 2001 I had a serious motor vehicle accident ... During my stay in hospital my unit commander visited me once. There were no visits from colleagues.’ (Participant L, member of South African Police Service)

‘In none of the above cases did my unit commander refer me to helping professions for counselling or for debriefing after a traumatic

event.’ (Participant L, member of South African Police Service)

Theme 2: Systems psychodynamics

This theme consists of organisational and/or systems stressors and transformation.

Organisational and/or systems stressors

Police stress is defined as a perceived imbalance between what is required of officers and what they are capable of giving, under conditions where failure may have dire consequences (McGarth, 1992). Failure to respond to demands in policing is often associated with harm or death. All participants in the current study concurred that organisational stressors have an extremely negative impact on their functioning as police officers, their well-being and their lives as a whole.

Training: The training of police officers has dual relevance to this research. Firstly, there is the level of competency that officers themselves experience, and secondly, their perception of their colleagues’ level of competency. Both of these impacted on the officers’ sense of safety and adequacy, which in turn is linked to their sense of self. This is one of the areas where inadequacy may have serious consequences; untrained officers are a liability to themselves, their colleagues and the public alike. Adequate training makes them feel prepared and equipped for the job at hand:

‘Even though the training was physically very demanding, and you worked under lots of pressure, I believe that I am better equipped, and

better trained to do every job that is required from me.’ (Particpant L, member of South African Police Service)

Recognition: Feeling supported and recognised alleviates feelings of vulnerability and acts as a ‘trauma membrane’. In addition, the psychodynamic perspective on policing considers promotion, commendations and higher salaries as emotionally important since they symbolise the department’s approval or recognition of officers by rewarding them for being ‘special’. Participants cite the low salary that they earn as proof that they are not valued for the work they do and the risks they take:

‘We are a specialising unit and not treated as that. The allowance that was meant for us is taken away. Five years has past since we were

promised to receive an allowance and yet nothing has happened thus far. This makes members to leave our unit and join the private sector where the

money is good.’ (Participant F, member of South African Police Service)

Perceptions about commanders and management of the SAPS: Commanders and management are seen as the personification of the ‘organisation’ and often as the people in power who make the decisions. According to the psychodynamic viewpoint, a policeman’s unconscious emotional experience is that he is the child and the department is either a powerful, nurturing parent or a bungling, punishing one:

‘We heard later that X is leaving on medical grounds. The founder and “godfather” of the unit doesn’t want to be

part of this circus any longer.’ (Participant M, member of South African Police Service)

The impact of organisational stressors on relationships: Relationships within the police service can be broadly grouped into three clusters, namely relationships with colleagues, relationships with friends outside the police service and family relationships. Relationships with co-workers are considered important and have a highly supportive function. The literature indicates that police officers rarely socialise with non-police officers, which leaves family relations as the only other area of social support:

‘During this period, I relied heavily on my wife for support. Whenever something bothers me, I usually talks about it to my wife. Even

though I feel it’s good for me to talk about it, I think it might have a negative effect on her.’ (ParticipantA, member of South

African Police Service)

Working environment: Police officers who perceive their working environment as uncontrollable (external locus of control) are more likely to be utilising emotion-focused coping, which is associated with a poorer prognosis for their mental well-being. Alcohol abuse is often one of the means police officers use to cope with their working environment:

‘The trauma caused by all these incidents and situations have led to excessive drinking. At one stage I was drinking daily and getting

drunk most days. I come to realise that I must set an example for my kids and that the situation I was in was not anybody’s fault. I think

the realisation that the way things are going is a normal reaction of any person or persons that have been oppressed, woke me up. I still have a

few “toasts” but do not get drunk any more ... I spent time with my wife and children and I spent more time with my Maker. I try to go

to church more often. I got involved with school activities ... I think that when I started to realise that there is life outside of my working

hours, and that I am not responsible for everybody, I became less stressed and traumatised.’ (Particpant E, member of South African Police

Service)

This insert indicates ways in which defence mechanisms such as rationalisation may help to restore a sense of control over a situation, which encourages more adaptive ways of functioning. The shift away from the working environment to activities and people who are considered important contributed to this participant’s coping. The conscious increase of distance from the working environment is perceived as an act of survival. The implied message is that the working environment is killing that part of him which is ‘good’ and ‘decent’.

Transformation

SAPS officers face two major stresses: the inherent problems of an often dangerous, violent and underappreciated job, and the pressure of working in an organisation which is being fundamentally transformed.

Racial tension: It is a sensitive topic and probably the issue in the SAPS which is least acknowledged at an official level. For various reasons, including our colonial and apartheid history, racial issues in South Africa and the SAPS in particular are imbued with fear, guilt, anger and anxiety. In their relationship with one another, Black and White men have not only been divided by history and geography; they have related to one another in particular and hierarchical ways. Since the inception of the ‘new’ (anti-apartheid) South Africa and the revamped SAPS, racism, or the perceived unfair advantage of one racial group over another, is considered to be a serious organisational stressor by the White, male participants:

‘Apparently racism does not exists in the new South Africa. “Ha-ha!” racism is alive and well and the only thing that’s

still advancing in the SAPS and its coming from both sides. Both my previous and present direct commanders are two of the biggest racists that I

ever encountered in the SAPS. It causes tension between members when some ethnic groups are deliberately favoured above others. This is one of the

main reasons of conflict between Black and White members at HP. It is wrong for someone in a managerial position to be guilty of such serious

misconduct.’ (Participant M, member of South African Police Service)

Representivity: As part of the transformation process in the SAPS, an objective is that the personnel compilation reflects the country’s demographics with regard to race and gender. The Employment Equity Act 55 of 1998 aims to ensure that suitable people from designated groups are equally represented in all occupational levels and categories. This is experienced as discrimination and a lowering of standards by the White male participants:

‘When it came to the selection of new HP members, the emphasis shifted from high standard to “representivity”. A lot of members left the unit for other units in the SAPS or better jobs in the private sector. Unfortunately, members who were selected because of their race and not their expertise replaced these members. This obviously created a lot of distrust and conflict within the unit. I just didn’t feel confident working with a member who didn’t have the same level of training than we did. As time went by, the unit went into a downward spiral.’ (Participant A, member of South African Police Service)

Unclear line of command and/or cumbersome organisational structure: Another change in the SAPS that is associated with the transformation of the organisation is an unclear line of command or a cumbersome organisational structure. Participants experience the command structure as cumbersome, clumsy and uncontained in a managerial sense:

‘I don’t really know how it happened but suddenly our unit commander had less of a say in our duties. Other officers at Area and

Provincial level decided what we had to do.’ (Participant C, member of South African Police Service)

The effect of the change: All participants experienced the recent changes in the organisation as negative. In contrast to the sense of meaning and purpose that was associated with the job of policing in the past, participants currently question the meaning of their function:

‘We were being used more and more as a show-unit and not what we were trained for (combatting of serious crime). We were not allowed to respond to any complaints or crime in progress, even if we were in the immediate vicinity. This was very frustrating and demoralising for all of us.

Crime was rife in X, but we had to drive behind a bus ... or stand at stationary points on the highways. This instruction shocked me. How could anyone who says that he is serious about reducing crime in this country, issue an instruction like that? Was this man involved in crime himself and

was he trying to get us out of the way? All these questions were going through my head as I was trying to make sense of this. We actually worked these insane duties for nine months. During this period I could hear crimes in progress being broadcast and the operator battling to find vehicles

to respond to these complaints, but we were not allowed to respond. The crime rate escalated. Instead of putting our unit to the use it was intended for, new units were started with new vehicles. Do the SAPS have too much money or is it managed by a bunch of morons?’ (Participant A, member of South African Police Service)"

2. Cop stress-level time bomb

"South Africa’s police service could have a potentially explosive problem on its hands if high stress levels within its ranks are not dealt with urgently.

With an estimated 90 percent of physically injured police officers suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and the SAPS “mirroring” South African society, which, according to studies, has an estimated 15 percent of citizens suffering from anxiety disorders such as PTSD, police management and researchers fear that ticking time bombs within their ranks may soon explode."

3. SAPS wasting millions on extended sick leave

"Tax payers are coughing up millions for hundreds of members of the South African Police Service (SAPS) who have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), some of whom have already been on paid sick leave for as long as seven years, the trade union Solidarity said today. In addition, these members are now forced to report for duty, where they are not only endangering their own lives, but also the lives of others. If they do not report for duty, they payment of their salaries is halted."

Day 178: Crime - Asking the Hard Questions

Day 147: Living by the principle of what is best for all part 1

Day 143: From Criminal to Principled Living

Day 144: Realising and Living my utmost potential part 1

Day 145: Realising and Living my utmost potential part 2

Now I walk the second Principle in the ‘From Criminal to Principled Living Series’:

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

For many who would read this principle, it might sound too ‘out there’, too ‘far fetched’, like something that only a person into spirituality or enlightenment would write. One’s Mind tends to look at that entire statement and either hit a blank, or react in anxiety at the enormity of it, or simply disregard the Principle as something that is rather ‘impossible’ for a ‘mere mortal to achieve’. Let me walk you through what I realized about this Principle a few years ago:

When I started exploring my own mind, it entailed looking at my own pre-designs, meaning who I had become due to genetics as well as the pre-programmed mind sets, personalities, and general ‘make-up’ of who I was as the baseline of my mind’s existence. Each human has this and pre-programming obviously means ‘pre’ – therefore indicating ones design that is hardwired into you from the time of conception until birth. It is those traits we inherit from the Conscious outline of the Human Psyche together with the traits that we inherent from our parents and the generations before them.

Therefore one’s ‘pre-programming’ is already in many ways that which makes it very difficult for any person to change, the moment we realize we are faced with a pattern that is not supporting us to be the best we can be as a ‘human’. For example my pre-programming consisted of for example: being a black sheep, being depressed, giving up on life, sabotaging myself and heading into a life of despair and maybe even suicide. I was predesigned to end up being an ADHD Emo/Chrystal child, into black arts and magic, who would either turn by gifts like intuition and the ability to see the dead into a ‘positive’ life path such as becoming a light worker and choosing to help others as a ‘worker of good’ instead of harming – OR I would have ended up working in a low wage job, with black Emo hairstyle, and a pentagram hidden under my shirt. I suspect that – and this I could do as I walked by life if I had NOT reached this point of change – I see that in the end I probably, if I had gone down the darker personality pre-programmed designs, would have started using drugs or even committed suicide.

At some stage in my life, many years ago, I dabbled with both pre-programmed designs at the same time. I was working as a Alternative Healer to find ways to support people and animals, while at the same time being a Pagan, who practised magic and dabbled with demons on the Ouija Board. Some years I dabbled more into the occult, the ‘darker’ side of me and other years I would lean more towards the ‘white light worker in me’. Talk about being in conflict over ones pre-programmed designs. At all times, however no matter which direction I leant to – I was always in conflict over my thoughts, my emotions. I was, as most humans are, in conflict about myself and who I was within the world and then who i wanted to be in the world but could not be, due to money and pre-programmed limitations such as inherent depression. At times I fought the world system, where the ‘darker’ character in me would come out and fight and cuss and blame ‘society’ and religion and my parents etc, blaming everyone for my locked in feeling where I wanted to just be left alone to do my own thing, but was always being contained by either a lack of money or societies rules. Then I would give into the perceived pressure, and realize that to survive in this world I had to work and to survive, so within this I ‘chose’ to follow an interest which was healing and the art of understanding the metaphysics of the human mind and body and how energy worked. So I studied Kinesiology, Reiki and Energy healing, but all the while I felt constantly overwhelmed by depression – something that I inherited from my father, but which also existed as part of my pre-programmed design to give up on myself and exist in conflict my entire life…

to be continued

Day 91: International Crime Research: Mass Murderers Part 5: Mass Murderers for Fame and Self-Interest

This blog is a continuation from:
Day 90: International Crime Research: Mass Murderers Part 4: The Physical Reaction of Mass Murderers



Taken from Wikipedia: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_murder)

"A notable motivation for mass murder is revenge, but many other motivations are possible, including the need for attention or fame..."

If one observe the 'line' that has been drawn between the conventional classification of 'mass murderer,' and the killing of groups of individuals that are acceptable within our world system, you will notice as I have, the paralel that exists between all forms of 'mass murder', the only difference being - which forms of Mass Murder we as society have come to accept and agree to as being 'ok/acceptable'.

For example, if an individual or group murder other humans, within a context that has not been rationalised and accepted by society - then we label it 'mass murder' - and will hunt such people down with great vigour, using emotional turmoil done onto the families and friends of those who were killed - to fuel the criminalising of such actions. However if a group does it within the confines of labels that support the rest of society to survive - then it is not called mass murder - but is rather brushed, literally aside, as 'just one of those things', or 'an unfortunate consequence of living in this world.'

For example - where do we see masses/groups of humans being killed within this world system, to support the survival of other humans, be it for the advancement of self interest or for actual physical survival? Well we see it each day in the Money system, in our religions, world government, cultures and in the general 'beingness' of humanity - where we give permission to the existence of things like war and murder -without really deeply looking into how and why such people and systems exist and how to resolve the issues behind why it exists - for good. Instead we have institutions that place plasters over the harm and existing trends of abusive living, such as doctors, psychologists, social workers, new age healers, charities and politicians - all playing their role (knowingly or unknowingly) to merely keep the underlying systems responsible for the abuse in place - while appeasing the emotional reactions and pains caused to humanity, by teaching us how to 'cope' and 'get on with out lives'.

To me, as somebody who has been given an opportunity to live differently, to see how harm is caused, how to stop causing harm myself and the enjoyment for self of living in an an environment where all decisions work with and towards the best outcome that stops harm - has allowed me to see - that on a global scale it is absolutely possible for ALL of us to live in such harmony and 'heaven on earth'. What I have just discussed might appear to be 'too out there' - because initially as one hears the words like 'heaven on earth' and 'best for all' - the mind tends to say 'that is gibberish and far fetched' - what are you really telling me?

So lets slow down what I have just said and take a look: all of us will admit at some point that we 'wish' the violence and suffering we endure on earth could just stop. Most people who live middle to lower income lives, have at some point, wished they could have different opportunities in life and wish they could find a way to escape the hardship of having to survive not just monetarily but also socially -away from the constant personal struggled of having to fit in and find a way to balance ones own 'self-interest' amongst the rest of societies 'self-interest'. In the end we all end up in mental battles with each other in society, as we attempt to survive as personalities - instead of living equally as one. We live to compete socially and to be more of oneself in accordance with social standards of what it means to be 'intelligent', 'beautiful', 'successful', funny, 'popular', 'attractive', 'special' etc. This becomes life for the human - a constant comparison and competing with other humans to achieve goals based on 'being the best we can be' - which sounds 'innocent' - however it is and always has been, a never ending cycle of polarities between negatives and positives, where even in family and friendship we are pushing each other to be and live concepts of ourselves based on energy stimulated within the mind through thinking - with very little regard for physical practical living. All activity for the human currently exists in the mind - we live for and through our thoughts which generate energy, which allows us to feel a certain way. To feel good for example- we believe and think we should act a certain way - which means others will recognise that we now fit the picture they perceive as acceptable, and upon this recognition that ones personality is accepted by family and friends - one will though the act of thinking oneself into this acceptance - one will then generate the energetic experience of 'self fulfilment, enjoyment, happiness, bliss, contentment, part of the group, acceptable etc' -however what nobody has considered or even looked into is that every human lives for an in the Mind only - and that the Mind-Systems are in essence due to their 'systematic nature' - quite 'ruthless' meaning - we never consider how our life styles and choices and 'needs' affect the lives of others and this planet/nature. As Mind-Systems, we only follow the paths of the programming - meaning if I want to feel good -accepting myself as this energy - then i go to the mall and I spend money on nice items, which through the value system I have given these items, raises my energy experience to feel really good. The fact that very obviously for all to see - there is a Capitalistic System in the background, which manages 'human needs' through taking advantage of the lives of billions of other beings, so that the working class can achieve the energetic experience of 'feeling good' through buying 'stuff' - this is conveniently missed by ALL who live in the system. If one look in self-honesty- one will note as I have that only System runs automatically without any feelings or considerations for points outside its programming.

The Mind System will cry if its own child is abused/killed/harmed - as its child forms part of its own emotional-energy system - but this same system does not bat and eyelid that millions of children starve each day in a system where resources are witheld from beings until the point of starvation and death, because they do not have a piece of paper that gives them the right to Life. Millions of children are sold in the sex and slavery industry each day - so that the rest of the planet can 'buy stuff' and 'enjoy themselves in things like sex-addictions and consumerism' - but because it is not 'my' child it doesn't matter. If we were truly 'looking and experiencing the consequences of our living on this planet' we would probably become hysterical from regret and dread.

So now we see how a human can accept suffering and abuse to not only exist, but escalate yearly, where for example the behavioural pattern of the human becomes more obsessive as the energy possessions become more extreme and Capitalism finds more ways to exploit the physical reality for profit. If as humans we call ourselves 'humane' or even 'spiritual' or 'the image and likeness of some god'- what does this mean - does this mean we change ourselves to change what the world becomes and it supports the human's existence, or do we realize we only exist as Mind-Systems, that only function according to our programming, chasing only the energy systems that keep our Mind alive, while having no true regard for any other form of Life, unless it serves our emotional and mental needs...

More to follow on the Mass Murderer...

Day 75: International Crime Research: Serial Killers, Mass Murderers and Sociopaths Part 11: Learning to Kill

My Self-Forgiveness will focus on the following Article:

The Qualitative Report Volume 9 Number 2 June 2004: Sipping Coffee with a Serial Killer: On Conducting Life History Interviews with a Criminal Genius

Author: J. C. Oleson

In each blog I will walk self-forgiveness on different parts of the Article, discussing the developmental aspects of somebody who 'learns to kill'.

This blog is a continuation from the previous blog in this series:

Day 73: International Crime Research: Serial Killers, Mass Murderers and Sociopaths Part 10: Learning to Kill

"But X’s childhood could not explain him. X sprang neither from slum nor broken home but grew up in the bosom of a nurturing family. His father, a religious man, was a deeply principled civil servant, who had worked hard and raised his son to do so. His mother had worked as a schoolteacher but had retired when X’s sister was born. Their home had been comfortably middle-class, and X’s parents were unusually dedicated to their roles as caregivers. Disapproving of harsh or erratic discipline, they had taken great pains to foster feelings of  competence and worth in their  children." 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a false perception within myself and this world that religion has any bearing on the effect, consequences or decision factors of a being, as if a God is magically reaching down from the sky to 'fix things' or to 'watch over things'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when faced with any questions of how I made the decision I did or to explain the responsibility of another within their actions, to immediately seek the irrational, vague spiritual answer, where one creates a loose sense of hope that ones reality is not completely without some form of control - for example:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within the context of discussing a serial killer or some tragic event that has unfolded by and through the actions of man, to within the mind of the reporter/author/storyteller, to create such inner conflict and fear that I immediately tune my dial into the Godly concepts I was spoon fed as a child - where I tap into this pure sense of right and wrong that humanity can still hold onto which is called 'God', which will 'surely still be there to protect us from ourselves' - therefore;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not taking self responsibility for who i have become, and for what and how the world exists due to my direct and tacit agreements throughout my entire life - and to always look for a scapegoat to ultimately at the end either fix things or take the blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within my mind when dealing with 'evil ideas/people/events' to want to compare what has happened to apparent 'good-elements' within this world - such as in this case where the author attempted to compare this man's choices to his parents influence which by direct result should have been 'pure and godly'

therefore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not directly see, realize and understand that the actions and events that are happening in my world such as the victims of a serial killer, directly shows me through my own research that there is no god protecting anybody and through my own investigations as criminologist I am able to do the maths and calculate how such a man came to a decision within years and years of designing such a point within his mind - and that no pre or post influence of any god exists, ever.

I commit myself that when and I find myself searching for reasons and ways that I can direct self responsibility onto another, to stop, breathe and realize what self responsibility as Self entails.

I commit myself to stop any and all fantasies based on knowledge and information, represented as real and 'trust-worthy' and within this to realize that the only trust I am able to live and place is myself within self honesty, self forgiveness, self responsibility within living what is best for all.

Day 73: International Crime Research: Serial Killers, Mass Murderers and Sociopaths Part 10: Learning to Kill

My Self-Forgiveness will focus on the following Article:

The Qualitative Report Volume 9 Number 2 June 2004: Sipping Coffee with a Serial Killer: On Conducting Life  History Interviews with a Criminal Genius

Author: J. C. Oleson


In each blog I will walk self-forgiveness on different parts of the Article, discussing the developmental aspects of somebody who 'learns to kill':

"As part of my Ph.D. research on criminal genius, I conducted 44 semistructured interviews. One of the 44 subjects, in particular, stood out. This noteworthy individual claimed that he had killed 15 people. His story was particularly interesting because – unlike most social research involving  serial killers – he claimed that he had never been arrested or convicted for  his homicides. Compelled by his account, I met with this subject on five additional occasions, and gradually compiled his criminal life history.
Ethical and legal considerations limited inquiry into several dimensions of this subject’s life history, but over time, an interesting and richly textured narrative emerged. This article first describes the life experiences of this offender and then describes the methodological choices that shaped the research.
Because criminologists have historically focused their research on vulnerable populations such as juveniles or prison inmates (Barnes & Teeters, 1959), almost nothing is known about the patterns of criminal behavior among gifted  adults with exceptional cognitive abilities (Blackburn, 1993).
Intrigued by this enigmatic topic, I studied the crimes of geniuses – offenses committed by people with IQ scores of 132 or higher (Simonton, 1994). I relied upon the self-report questionnaire (Huizinga & Elliott, 1986; Thornberry & Krohn, 2000) to inventory the offenses of my subjects. The selfreport instrument is one of the only means to effectively study hidden offending (Hood & 193   The Qualitative Report June 2004 Sparks, 1970). Using a newly designed self-report questionnaire, I collected extensive self-report data from 424 subjects in three different groups of geniuses:
1. Members of the International Society  for Philosophical Enquiry [ISPE], an international elite high  IQ society with a 150 IQ  [99.9 percentile] admissions threshold
2. Undergraduate and graduate students  at prestigious American and British universities
3. High IQ inmates incarcerated in American and British correctional facilities.

 Sampling from these groups allowed me to tap all three categories of genius described by Towers (1990): the outsider (the gifted individual, who joins a high IQ society to find the mental stimulation that he or she cannot find through professional or social avenues), the conformist (the gifted individual, who finds sufficient mental stimulation through work and peers), and the dropout (the gifted individual, who cannot or will not abide by the norms and laws of society).
 The questionnaire included 17 demographic questions, 72 different offense items (ranging in seriousness from the abuse of work privileges to homicide committed outside wartime), and asked subjects about the books, movies, and famous figures that had shaped their lives.

 I did not want my study to be a dry recitation of crime rates and correlations. Numbers and statistics alone could not capture the social realities of the offenses that I was documenting (Bryman, 1988). To do so, I needed qualitative results. I needed to write my subjects’ stories, to describe their thinking and feeling, and to convey some of the sensual aspects of their crimes.
I settled for conducting semi-structured interviews with 44 subjects (Brenner, Brown, & Canter, 1985). I purposively selected interview subjects (Jupp, 1989), trying to gather qualitative data across the entire spectrum of offending. All 44 of the interviews were fascinating. Still, the interviews that I conducted with the subject I called “Mr. X” stood out from the others, intriguing me.

When I met with the subject I called Mr. X, I was overwhelmed by the sentiment. Mr. X, who was not much older than I was, had been raised in a similar family environment and had been educated in some of the same gifted education programs as me. It  made it frightfully easy to imagine myself in his shoes and to picture myself making the same choices that he had unwittingly made. In trying to understand what had led Mr. X to embrace crime, I was – I believe – simultaneously trying to understand  what had insulated me from it (Patton, 2002, p. 11-12).
 The six interviews that I conducted with Mr. X generated a wealth of qualitative data. Because research access to elite groups (like people with genius-level IQ scores) is often incredibly difficult to negotiate (e.g., Fussell, 1983; Nader, 1972), criminologists know virtually nothing about the crimes of the elite. It is exceptionally rare to find an elite, who will discuss undetected offenses. To find an elite, who is willing to discuss undetected offenses – including murder, – is unprecedented.

 I will first recount the criminal life history of Mr. X. His account is broken into sections set off with evocative epigrams drawn from literature and philosophy that help to set the tone of his story.

 Mr. X 

At 31 years old, he was a young urban professionals, who rose from the ranks of the X Generation (Coupland, 1991) to succeed in the cutthroat job markets of California during the dot-com 1990’s.
 
 He dressed in conservative labels, wore an old Rolex, scuffed, expensive leather shoes, and drove a nondescript luxury sedan. He was exceptionally bright, articulate, and had been educated at a prestigious university.  He had  scored a 162 on a self-administered IQ test, placing him in the 99.995 percentile (Jensen, 1980), catapulting him well beyond the 132 IQ minimum threshold of “genius” (Simonton, 1994).

 We met on six separate occasions. During the second interview, he began to describe his offenses and the antecedents that (he believed) led him to the commission of these crimes. By gradually collecting the details of this man’s life throughout the six interviews, I was able to  assemble his life history (Atkinson, 1998; Sarbin, 1986; Shaw, 1930). It was a remarkable history. Indeed, Mr. X was not entirely the affable genius he seemed to be. X had been shot three times. X also acknowledged smuggling thousands of kilograms of cocaine into the United States.
 
 While “serial killer” is a term typically used to describe individuals compelled to kill for sexualized power-seeking reasons (Egger, 1998; Hickey, 1991; Norris, 1988; Wilson & Seaman, 1990), if X’s claim was true, he qualified as a serial killer within the law enforcement taxonomy proposed by Douglas, Burgess, Burgess, and Ressler, “Serial murder is defined as three or more separate  events in three or more separate locations with an emotional cooling-off period between homicides” (1992, p.21).
 In addition to murder and drug smuggling, X admitted to illegally manipulating bank accounts, forging official documents, fencing stolen goods and automobiles, and perjuring himself under oath.
 
 And he’d gotten away with it.
 

Growing Up Different  

 "Farrington (1994) identified several antecedent risk factors that appear to predispose young people to juvenile delinquency and adult criminality, including low intelligence, socio-economic deprivation, and poor parental supervision. The stereotype of the common criminal (Sarbin, 1969) – the young man calcified by years of deprivation and abuse into a remorseless criminal – appears to be, at least in part, supported by criminological research (e.g., Agnew, 1992; Shaw & McKay, 1972)."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition the world into believing that people of low intelligence, socio-economic deprivation, and poor parental supervision are more likely to become criminals, instad of looking at how and why we as a society and as the parents and care takers of the human race allow such things as low intelligence, socio-economic deprivation, and poor parental supervision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing an economic system that determines the life of all beings on this planet, to the consequential outflow of somebody taking the lives of other beings, simply from a point of suppressed rage, based on a shitty life experience which was caused by things like poverty, separation, unequal education, depravation, greed and abuse within a family system, caused by the parents being under constant pressure due to their own financial worries and emotional pressure experienced from the life experienced they were pressured into.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a world where we value sensationalism so much, over that of life that we will value - the energetic experience we get from reading about serial killers more than any form a self honest realization, that our world not only produces beings that suffer under 'low intelligence, socio-economic deprivation, and poor parental supervision' - but that this in many cases results in being lashing out at and into society, where they abuse and harm others, who are essentially also innocent within it all - instead of finding solutions once and for all to stop these generational, societal cycles of abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a society where we pride ourselves in apparently having intelligent people - but at the cost of an education system that divides children into groups, where only specific groups are catered for, and these groups get effective or semi effective educations, while the other groups become dumbed down due to the education system not providing for them - and within this capitalistic system -we realize if we dare to be self honest that if you are not thinking like a machine ready to survive in the world of working and money - then you will not even be able to feed yourself.

I forgive myself for creating intellectualized titles and categories for people that are of 'low intelligence, socio-economic deprivation, and poor parental supervision', instead of calling this a crime against life, and as criminologist, writing and communicating firstly about these crimes, before blabbering in self importance about these beings as if I am somehow superior to them in that God bestowed me with some special, 'ability' to watch as these beings are subjected to abuse and harm, so that I may write papers about how pathetic these beings are as they exist as characters in a story.

I commit myself to make self-education available to all, where the emphasis is the purification of the individual into Life that all can Live to the fullest and I commit myself to make it possible for each to walk this journey to life, no matter where you come from as long as you have the willpower to write yourself to freedom.

I commit myself to propose a change to the current economic system, into one that will stop all these cycles of abuse and re-form how humanity has functioned thus far as the starting point of ourselves as simplistic self interest and greed.

Day 30: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 14

This is a continuation from:

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-29-international-crime-research.html


Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.


To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.

Pedophile Character: Person who watches child pornography as a substitute for male/female sexual companionship.

“ Growing up I had difficulty around woman, I always found myself from about the age of 11 onwards, to be aware that girls are different to boys and from what I had read and been told by my older brother – apparently girls would one day be a very important part of my life. Becoming a teenager, I brought with me the memory of pictures I had seen in porn magazines and ‘adult education’ books – where a man meets a woman, takes her to dinner and bangs her brains out. According to romantic novels he might later on marry her.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the pre-programmed personality design of myself as ‘experiencing a difficult time around the opposite sex’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my pre-programmed design to consist of the pre-programmed nature and characters of my parents and their parents, as those characteristics they accepted and allowed within themselves, which did not stand as what is best for all – but instead became “conflicted experiences” within the Psyche of the being, through which the mind created more characters to deal with the conflict, which outflows into global problems as we all fight against our characters by fighting with each other.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to align myself from a young age to the thoughts around ‘other young children of the opposite sex being different, strange or making me feel uncomfortably.’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a parent to influence children into believing that the opposite sex has a special value or is somehow to be treated differently at different stages of my age-development, through which I teach children to develop experiences as character responses towards other children, which in essence is not necessary and simply becomes part of the game adults play around sex and sexuality as they fight their own sexual repression, and obsessions and maintain the separation between man and woman which is tied into the value system around having money and safeguarding ones surviving within the institution of family as the passing down of ones genes – which is the survival of ‘my’ characters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the conflict my parents experienced in relation to man/woman, as I copied how they were either uncomfortable around the opposite sex, desired the opposite sex or had some hidden agenda towards the opposite sex as they planned and schemed to lure in a partner who would ensure them a safe comfortable life according to the financial status that would be obtained once the partnership/marriage was designed.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, through media, allow myself to imprint into my character of ‘young male or young female’ the discrepancies towards being male or female which would result in obsessions, lies, abuse, suppression, and character formations – insisted upon by the individual as we force each other into ‘sex specific roles’ to please the ego and the pocket – as we decide from young which partner we want depending on how wealthy we want to be, how much sex we want to have, the breeding of specific charactered children and so forth. Thus in designing and living separation and judgment towards ‘the other sex’ and how this is lived through how we develop relationship and marriage – we are programming our children from young to become the next generation of abusers as they too will adopt values, copied from the parents based in inequality and self-interest.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts around the opposite sex and myself in relation to them being more than, less than, special, not special, with or without, hating, loving, needing, rejecting, where in the end I manifest myself as uncomfortable in the presence of the opposite sex, due to my participation in the backchat conversations based on fears and ideas I copied from watching my parents, siblings and the characters in movies.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the opposite sex is somehow different to me, simply because we have different genitalia, due to how my parents treat each other within inequality and how society treats gender as a platform for the allowance of abuse such as in the case of religion, culture, politics and the family system.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use images found within pornography to create an idea about sex and the opposite sex, as if the images portrayed are real and have an actual practical bearing on sex and how it practically functions within the physical.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parent to teach my child about sex, through allowing pornography and the media to become the number one education tools from which children learn about sex, obscuring the way in which they learn about the body and sex, until all that remains is the child becoming another abuser of the physical to chase the experience of energy and self-glorification as is promoted through pornography and the media.




I commit myself to show how using pictures as a point of comparison, only leads to a world in which we will never be satisfied with the physical reality, because there is always a better picture in the mind of what or how we could/should be.



I commit myself to show that the education, family and religious institutions of this world only exist to develop characters of fear, self-doubt, self-abuse and dependency/slavery and to design the individual in such a way that we will forever remain addicted to characters to try and alleviate the fear that was inserted into us by these institutions through words, images and the example of physical behaviors.



I commit myself to show that if the education, family and religious institutions were really about what is best for all – then the individual would represent what is best for all and not become dysfunctional organic-character robots, driven by symbols and images used through media by the groups that benefit the most from the individuals remaining trapped and dependent on being characters.



I commit myself to show that what we call beauty, love, acceptance, relationship, accomplishment, intellect – are all just mechanisms used by the characters who control others to make the individual believe we are accomplishing something with our lives – while what we are really doing is becoming the characters addicted to consuming and entertain the systems of the mind.



I commit myself to show that what is considered to be a ‘well adjusted human’ – simply indicates societies acceptance of the human as a character – and that for us to accept a child as fearing or obsessing or desiring while being impulsed through the media to participate in Capitalism due to the hidden symbols and pictures – indicates that we are not fit as parents as all we bring into this world are slaves to each other’s financial, emotional and mental agendas (characters).

Further Reading/Viewing in similar Subject matters:

Pornography


2012 God created Vaginoplasty!


The perfect Vagina

Day 27: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 11

The Secret Mind of the Pedophile - continued: 

This is a continuation from: http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-26-international-crime-research.html


In Day 26: Part 10, I walked Self-Forgiveness for the existence and allowance of the Secret Mind. Now I will apply Self-Forgiveness on the Thoughts, Pictures and Memories existent within the Secret and Conscious Mind – of this particular pedophile character (taken from Day 26 – Child pornography Part 10)

“It was a sudden interest in the images that developed due to a response from my body, which was then fueled by my mind through justifications as to why these images are enticing.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see an image of a naked or abused child and to connect to that a physical sensation of pleasure.



I commit myself to stop connecting relationship lines between moments and myself to use later on as characters.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the damaged files of my secret mind where I have stored images and ideas linked to sexual gratification – to now in this moment experience sexual pleasure towards a child while looking at a the images through my secret mind which connects the image to the experience of wickedness, evil, control, purity, pleasure, to overwhelm, to need, to abuse, to inflict, to destroy, innocence lost, punishment, childlike, condemned, obscurity, manipulation, blame, etc.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself once I reacted sexually to the image of a child for the first or second time – due to how my secret mind connected gratification to the act of intimacy or harm to a child – to then become addicted to the energy and release of energy – whereby I then created the character of justification – as the voice that would come up inside – as that part of me that could manipulate me through specific words – to keep doing what I was doing – and that what I was doing were ‘my private moments’ – thus infusing into me my conscious participation as the weakness I had become as I decided to harm life – all for the experience of energy as addiction and the false sense of self-empowerment.

I commit myself to show how all symbolic experiences – which are all experiences we ‘give’ value to, which in essence separate us from the physical in self expression – is merely the mind as it programs the being into future reactions based on past memories that were given specific values – usually from within the secret mind where we store the information we experienced conflict towards from childhood as we saw, realized and understood that most of what we were taught was based in deception – as our parents lied about why and how we do things – because they were busy playing out specific characters that were trying to survive. Due to the fact that we as children were not trying to survive and were more ‘physical’ meaning here, breathing, expressing – and our ‘doing’ was not veiled in surviving – we could see, realize and understand with more clarity when our parents taught us their values, beliefs and ideas. Therefore I commit myself to not allow myself to teach a child any bulshit about why we exist, where we come from and who we are – and to stick to the basic common sense of that which we are here as a physical being on this physical planet – equally born to all other life – so that the only character the child becomes is that which is best for all.

“From there I experienced a combination of initial mistrust towards my own experience, but this did not last long as the energy of shame and guilt towards my own sexual reaction, turned to a new thought which surfaced where I simply knew that I liked it.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear and morality, as a basis from which I turn whatever image I see into something that triggers reactions in me, which allows me to access my secret mind where I stored ideas of shame and guilt which we as children are taught by our parents and teachers as they stand as the examples of charging the mind by charging the positive polarities of good and negative polarities of bad – through the system of punishment and reward.



I commit myself to share how the education system teaches a child how to create patterns based on good/bad, right/wrong – where the patterns are fueled through polarities until the child designs themselves into a system – which cannot function unless it is being stimulated through fear, manipulation, pictures, words, hope, survival, etc – where eventually we do not live here in common sense as what is best for all – but instead live as character systems – that all have a trigger point, memories for information and a desired outcome depending on what was taught to the child the outcome should be. Most humans believe that they are following the outcome of comfort, achievement, intellect, family, acceptance, love, enlightenment, safety, god etc – but the outcome is actually dictated and designed by those who impulse human beings – which is greed, desire, comparison, ego, self interest, separation, conflict, fear, suppression, obsession, consumerism, etc – all characteristic of the perfect systems that wake up in the mornings – go participate in the money system and come home to the family where you design, create and educate the next generation of systems to serve as slaves to the world system – while all the while entertaining oneself in what we believe is individuality and human rights/freedom – but are all actions that further keep us trapped in the mind - which keeps us as unstable characters that are dependent on the world systems for our survival – where we will participate in the world systems and consumerism – as we attempt to alleviate our characters as we strive for resolution of that which we have really become.

“Somewhere from within me, from within my mind I became more and more comfortable with seeing images of naked children, having thoughts about their flesh which I would normally have about woman and then empowering my mind through further thoughts which made me feel alive with energy, as I was pulled between morality and sexual pleasure.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self-responsibility for how I allowed myself to compound my thoughts – not realizing that I was in fact building and designing my physical response as my living self from the thoughts I participated in – as eventually my thoughts became me as the living flesh -as I gave in and followed my thoughts into action.



I commit myself to see, realize and understand the relationship between what we input into the mind and who we eventually become. I commit myself to show how the mind is not ‘something out there, harmless and ethereal’ where thoughts happen to us and at the same time have no bearing on our reality –– instead to show that all actions can be shown to follow a line of information from creation point to action.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as a feeling in the body that happens in reaction to images of naked people.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and to fuel my belief through how I have participated in sex, that sex is best experienced when a person finds ways to stimulate oneself and to become horny and then to chase a picture presentation of whatever will give one an orgasm.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe pornography and how this depicts sexual aggression and disrespect of the human form for profit – and from this to establish my starting point equal and one – in that woman (or men) are there to be fucked and that sex is so important that I must have it and if I don’t get it – that I will charge my mind through memories until I find material on the internet to masturbate to – not realizing that I created this character of masturbator myself, through participating in creating and fueling the value system around sex as it exists in this world currently – instead of taking self responsibility for myself within what I create in this world – of which one point is to realize that to abuse in the name of sexual gratification is not ok by me unless it is really ok by me – which again shows the character that I really exist as – as the real ‘Me’.