Day 201: Experiencing Trauma Part 1 | The Sleepwalker

The other day I was sitting in on an Eqafe Interview and I could completely relate to what was being discussed.

Releasing Trauma - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Part 54

During the Interview I was looking back at my own experiences around childhood traumas, specifically around the years surrounding my fathers death. I had experiences great difficulty dealing with my fathers death for 2 reasons:

Firstly the fact that I knew he was going to die years before he died - let me explain. My father was a chain smoker. He developed a heart problem which was exacerbated by smoking. After my father had his first heart attack I remember the one day I went with when my father had a doctors appointment. I cannot remember how old I was then, but basically I was asked to sit outside the doctors room and wait while they talked. They left the door slightly ajar probably so that I would still be able to see my parents, not realizing that I could hear their conversation. So basically I heard the doctor tell my father that if he carried on smoking that eventually he would die from another heart attack - his heart was that weak. So as you can 'imagine' what shock this is for a young child to hear.

This became a burden which I carried with me for many many years probably up until the ager of about 28/29 when I was able to work with the information effectively to let it go. So for years I remembered what the doctor said and this settled itself into my mind and body as a perpetual fear that my father could die any day. Of course my father who also had depression, did not seem to concern himself with the doctors warnings and continued to chain smoke, which of course confirmed to me that any minute he was going to die. I don’t know why my father carried on chain smoking the way he did, whether it was because the addiction was to strong or because he did not care. I suspect that it was a combination of both points - meaning he had depression and from my own experience as I am sure other people are able to relate once in a 'depressive mind state' you pretty much become numb to what is happening around you and thus don’t 'care' about your life or even your health. Combine that with an additive personality or an addictive substance such as what most of us have experiences at some point or another and you are bound to end up with creating physical consequences due to the abuse of some form of substance or reckless behaviour.

Over the years my fear of my father dying turned into paranoia. If for example my father would not arrive back from work at a certain time, I would start fearing the worst and imagining (paranoia) all kinds of situations and that any minute we would get a phone call from the hospital. I would spend those evenings sitting near the windows to watch and see when his car would turn into the drive way, and when it did I would obviously feel immense relief. At least he was safe and with me - at least until tomorrow. This went on for years and eventually I started to develop a paranoid personality, where I would fear things like sleeping over at my sisters apartment or going for sleep overs at a friends house. I remember whenever a friend would invite me to a sleep over, I would be struck with anxiety and would try and first make excuses to get out of it. Therefore I rarely slept over and when I did I would often start becoming to paranoid (without understanding what was happening) that I would wait until my friend would fall asleep and then I would go and sit by the window and hope that some how my mom and dad knew that I was frightened and would come and fetch me.

Eventually my paranoia turned into sleep walking, where after an evening of sleeping over at a friends house, my friend would tell me the next morning that they were woken up in the middle of the night to noises coming from the kitchen. There lol they would find me unpacking their kitchen cupboards mumbling to myself. This sleep walking also happened at home where my mom and dad would often find me wandering up and down the passage way and often when they would go to bed they would find me sitting by their bedroom door. I would of course not remember any of this the next morning...

Day 53: Education Fraud Part 14 – Medicalization of the Education System Part 2 - Ritalin and the Pharmaceutical Companies

This blog is a continuation from: http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-52-international-crime-research.html


If you are not already familiar with the uses of Ritalin, please read the following:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ritalin

Ritalin A Drug For Era That Tries To Medicalize All Difficulties

Sociology of Medicine - What is the impact of Medicalization? A Summary with Examples


This blog will focus on the Medicalization of Children Behavior, to the point where Ritalin Abuse happens, due to Ritalin being prescribed to children as a quick fix for teachers and parents, when faced with particular chid behaviors. The motivation behind the over-prescription of Ritalin and similar drugs, is Profit linked to the Medicalization of the Education system, as discussed in part 1 of 'Medicalization of the Education System.'

Ritalin Part 1: Pharmaceutical companies:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be driven my greed and profit before taking care of what is best for humanity, first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the Capitalistic system to be my driving force, even though I am able to see how my actions towards life, within the secrecy and behind the lies within which I do it - are obviously to the detriment to life on this planet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use money and capitalism as excuse, as to why I am playing the game, making up lies and ways to sell products and not just make money but to become stinking rich, beyond my wildest dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a dream, a picture of what it will mean to me and my family to have such wealth, where regardless of the consequences and harm caused in the name of my lies, I continue to do so - as this picture I hold within my mind of the life and security that I will obtain, is apparently within who I am and how I value life - much greater than any suffering I am causing the human race.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mind as reasoning machine as to why it is acceptable to profit from other people's difficulties, in such a way that I will deliberately play my hand and twist the truth, witholding any and all relevant truths from people about what I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop such substantial lies within myself, that in the end as the researcher, owner, manager of such a pharmaceutical company/research facility - I even believe myself, and convince the rest of humanity that money and survival makes it alright for us to push Ritalin/drugs onto children and adults at the rate that it has been done - as a capitalistic maneuver.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as researcher/scientist - to be ok with how I have justified selling a product without consideration of consequences, and to use my abilities as researcher to only advance the rich and to work at new ways of manipulating people into believing they require these products, instead of using my abilities to develop and understand how the human becomes who and what we are and to direct effective, common sense solutions from within the principle of doing what is best for the human race.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as researcher/scientist and corporation worker - above the general public whom I am deceiving, as in my mind I believe that due to the fact that I know things about people, that they dont know - and that I can change people behavior with drugs and information - that this makes me superior to the general public, and according to the lie that spirituality and religion has instilled in me since childhood to make me the perfect abuser of life - I place myself in a hierarchy, like a god-like-figure to other working class humans due to my ability to deceive through knowledge and information.

I commit myself to show how money directs all decision, currently made within society and the corporations, and that even those who are claiming to present solutions in the form of medicines and therapies, must be regarded as only following the rules of money and survival and are not placing the best interest of life first.

I commit myself to show that health care, does not mean the 'care of health', but instead means the care of someone's business and this in itself indicates that we have things back to front within ourselves, as the true evil - where we will develop and in most cases enforce health care upon people's lives, simply as a means for income, where the true care of health of the physical is daily in countless ways compromised for countless beings, all for profit - while the subdued human, who is to afraid to question out of fear of 'no health/death' - will convince ourselves daily that there is nothing we can do about that which we see and understand about how the system works currently.

I commit myself to show that there is a solution possible - where we honor life, not money and where we develop systems of management that distribute health care according to everyones needs equally.

I commit myself to show how if one stop your mind, before it starts up by saying in response to the above commitment statement 'but..why should people get things free if I work hard for it' - that one is able to see the human potential within oneself to live an share and create a future that is dignified - before one screws it up with ones dysfunctional mind as it reveals itself for all to see - and that it is only within the mind - where we have al learned to survive, where we will 'bring forth' all kinds of nasty thoughts towards other humans, where we will do them in, in order to protect what little money we have and get from the system.

Further Reading:  http://equalmoney.org/goals/1-healthcare

Day 33: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 17

This is a continuation from:

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-32-international-crime-research.html



Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.



To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.

“During my teenage years the girls mostly ignored me and I learnt to accept that I was not handsome or cool enough for the girls I liked. By the age of 17 I dated a girl for a few months but she wanted to wait for sex after marriage so I did not score and therefore felt even more withdrawn from this reality that I felt I was supposed to be in with the other young men, bragging about their girlfriends and whether they scored with them or not. So I distracted myself during breaks to not have to watch and be part of the socialization of the horny teenagers outside, and followed my interest, which was to play on the computers in the library. I developed an interest in computer programming and after graduating I studied to become a computer programmer.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one should be handsome to others, in order for me to accept myself.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition and response myself into and as the character of ‘not cool’ and ‘unattractive’ – therefore by accepting myself as these labels, I am creating and fueling my experience as I have now created the platform from which I develop further characters into experiences surrounding ‘not cool’ and ‘unattractive’.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this conditioned response to be the true nature of myself as I plan and plot who and what I will now become as I allow my reactions to the responses and moods of other people to become me in living manifestation, while years later I blame others for who I became, not realizing that if I were to look back at my life I would see the time line of decisions made, in which I justified this conditioning because I have already allowed myself to exist as a Mind System that creates behaviors and exists according to pleasing characters.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself each step of the way as I experienced rejection from girls/boys to allow conscious thoughts in relation to what I initially experienced, followed by backchat conversations during which I would talk myself into a ‘realization’ of who I am in response to the information I was placing



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide who I would be in relation to past memories of what I had seen happen to other people who were rejected by the opposite sex. Therefore from there through the backchat conversations, I allowed myself to convince myself of my worth as a final decision based on all the information I had presented to myself about the conclusion within my mind of ‘I am this because of that.’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power to ideas I formed around the meaning of things where I would see, watch and understand something I saw happening to others, not from a realistic common-sensical perspective – but through the mind of judgments, fears, patterns, addictions, energy etc.



Therefore:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that as I made these ‘decisions’ about myself in relation to my experiences, I was not in fact using common sense reality based assessments of myself, but using pre-programmed values existent in society which are placed through the unconscious mind called ‘consciousness’as the rules by which humans exist.



Therefore:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the rules of what it means to be human, according to the thoughts that come up in my mind as I experience reality – not realizing for myself that these harmful, self-abusive thoughts in no way support me here as Life in the Physical, as a Breathing functional, Equal and One being to all others – but instead the information as my thoughts follow a ‘train of thought’ that take me into accepting myself as less than who I am.



Therefore:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘a someone’, a character, due to the accumulation of thoughts based on the rules of what it means to be human, where I now years down the line have become a being I probably would look back at in disbelief if I were to step out of this mind and observe myself in self honesty for a moment.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become this ‘somebody’ due to the accumulation of decisions I made throughout my life in minor moments where I would think or react or feel in relation to my experiences and then accept that experience and from there, make decisions based on the memory of information accumulated.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts such as ‘I am not good enough’ or to present pictures to myself of who I should be or why I am not good enough.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat conversations around why I am not good enough and how to avoid the experience of rejection or embarrassment.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reactions such as sweating, heart palpitations, looking away, anger, irritation etc.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing physical behaviors to develop such as avoidance, sitting alone, quietness, reclusiveness, spending all my time on the Internet etc.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make life or career decision such as ‘working with computers’ not as a natural self-expression, but as a coping mechanism originally used to avoid being around certain people or situations.



I commit myself to show how even a pedophile/sex addict exists due to a thought which if you open the thought up – you will find a history of memories that make up the present decision, whether it be a feeling that ‘overcomes the being’ or a specific thought or a physical behavior that kicks in.



I commit myself to show that there is support available for all who are equally in the same boat called the mind and how all patterns, behaviors, characters can be traced to its origin point and that the origin point is not some elusive evil spirit or evil god – but in our history and make-up – all to be found in memories and how we become characters in relation/response to memories (past events).

Day 26: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 10

This is a continuation from: http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-25-international-crime-research.html



Please read the following Blog with regards to the Development of the Secret Mind 

“…the Secret MIND is Creating the Main Character that Creates this Damaged World, as the Secret Mind is Created By Damaged Memories that Converged in a Hidden Dimension as Files creating Life as We Live it as the character of this World.”

Self-Forgiveness on:

(taken from Day 25 – Child pornography Part 9)

It was a sudden interest in the images that developed due to a response from my body, which was then fueled by my mind through justifications as to why these images are enticing. From there I experienced a combination of initial mistrust towards my own experience, but this did not last long as the energy of shame and guilt towards my own sexual reaction, turned to a new thought which surfaced where I simply knew that I liked it. Somewhere from within me, from within my mind I became more and more comfortable with seeing images of naked children, having thoughts about their flesh which I would normally have about woman and then empowering my mind through further thoughts which made me feel alive with energy, as I was pulled between morality and sexual pleasure. I identified within myself – that a part of me was seeing the child’s body symbolically – as if seeing the shape of their bodies and the innocence they represented, triggered an interest within me, which was channeled by me into sexual pleasure. The other part of me concocted images and combined them with irrational thoughts, which led me time and time again after that to seek the same experience. At times especially in the beginning I would experience shame after I masturbated, however if I then for a few days would stop masturbating to child pornography and attempt to use adult porn, then I would almost feel numb during the whole experience and once I would return to the images of naked children, it felt as if my body became ablaze with sexual energy. At times I would rationalize this to myself as ‘well it is happening to me therefore it must be a natural part of myself that requires expression’ or ‘maybe it is not about the child but about how the child represents the confined placed by society on sexuality – therefore I am responding to an image which is condemned by society, through which I may experience the ultimate release.’



After a few years of using basic imagery only occasionally – only enough for me to rationalize as acceptable and not ‘out of my control’ – I started thinking about whether different images contained different experiences. I wanted to understand more and see if I could open myself up more. I found a website after a very specific search and came across a link to a website where the owner would give out links to images depending on your level of involvement with the website. Obviously as a beginner I had to start somewhere – so I decided to push ahead and after a few months I received anonymous links to images that were very different to what I was use to. As I watched these pictures I allowed myself to feel what these pictures did to me. In the end I distinguished between specific images to which I had specific experiences and from this my fascination focused itself ultimately to the acquiring of specific footage and imagery that would stimulate me. I found my mind reacting to the images with short burst – which at times were unidentifiable as the thoughts moved so fast. All that I would experience were short sentences, followed by physical sensations throughout my body, and if I kept flicking through the images, I could build the physical reactions until I would have my orgasm. Something inside of me always drove my reactions to these images and therefore the game became about knowing which pictures meant what to me as I had come to know what sensations or thoughts triggered my responses to the images…”

The Secret Mind and Damaged Files.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my hidden memories within my secret mind – where from childhood I placed all pictures, values, judgments and ideas pertaining to myself, others and my environment.



I commit myself walk in each moment as the breath, as my physical body, only considering what would be and is best for all in each moment, therefore eventually equalizing myself as what is best for all – as I no longer have to tie loop and live out the future as the past memories where I charged moments with values based on secret desires, hopes and fears.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a secret mind, which allows for the development of characters, within which I will live out my life as if these characters are real.



I commit myself to stop participating in the design of trying to protect myself from the future and in doing this – I also realize that for all to stop designing the future which is an attempt for all to avoid fear and death – in which we create the fear and death as we cycle through the creation of ourselves – I have to create a world where all can live free from fear, instead of fighting the mind for eternity - where we create spirituality as means to quieten the mind –while still forcing beings into life situations generating fear and mistrust.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the existence of a mind which exists in separation from the physical, as it’s purpose is to design characters for me to access, throughout my life, in which I get to avoid self responsibility by shifting dimensions into characters – so that I as ‘individual’ can seek happiness and avoid discomfort in life. 

I commit myself to learn and share how to direct myself in this physical reality and by doing so finding ways of working with the physical to sustain life here in the physical, without harming – so that we may clear the files and the systems through which we create these files, through which we created this damaged reality.



I commit myself to see, realize and understand what it would mean to walk as self responsibility – so that I no longer accept and allow mind systems and mind files to exist in hidden parts, which serves no other purpose but to create characters that contribute to the damage of life as ourselves.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design the mind as a holding place for memories – from which I design characters for myself to access throughout my life, so that I never have to walk one and equal to what is really happening in this physical reality – and where I am able at all times to avoid conflict, pain and abuse I inflict towards others or that is inflicted towards me -to rather shift into another character that exists as the memories which take me into character – to best deal with the situation I am faced with.

This character to deal with the situation I am faced with, purely exists for the survival of myself as a mind system – therefore who I have become now is not what is best for all as myself – but a memory bank of information designed to protect the mind.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and share how we damage this reality through the hidden files that we store as memories in the mind – which consists of parts of information which have certain values – which cause us to blindly follow the information as it surfaces in moments called characteristics..



The secret mind of each is eventually created through all the Damaged Memories that Converge in a Hidden Dimension as Files creating Life as We Live it as the character of this World.



Therefore



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for placing damaged memories into hidden dimensions as files – through which I created me as pedophile –directed into and as the actions of abusing a child due to the energy charges I have given memories and the information and symbols they contain as the value system that each moment as picture or word is laden with.



I commit myself to defuse these energy charges through breathing and self forgiveness – until I exist as my physical body, breathing here, living – where I am actually here – and not stuck in my mind as repeating memories creating more memories trapping me further and further into dimensions of the mind.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as pedophile to place pictures from my youth into my secret mind based on the damaged moments I experiences, as I connected certain values of how I believed things should be, based on previous memories to the current moment and when my expectations were not met – the moment was damaged in that I judged the moment and placed the event into a file such as disgusting, avoid, shameful, embarrassing etc.



I commit myself to stop creating damaging moments, in which I allow abuse as myself towards myself and others which then programs the memories of those involved – until they too one day abuse as they become and accept the pattern, as they learn that apparently life is about trying to avoid pain and give oneself happiness at whatever cost – which in the current system always has a cost for another – as all are trapped in the same cycles of have/have not, with/ without – as capitalism and the principles of human greed dictates it so.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create files in my secret mind where these damaged memories were placed, simply due to the fact that all around me parents were acting out their secret mind damaged files with no self responsibility or solution on how to solve the world problems – which is everybody living our damaged files – which then becomes society as the living of damaged files.



I commit myself to stand as example to the children of speaking and living in ways that are self responsible and do not harm myself or others – where files of memories are created, in which the child grows up repeating the sins of the fathers and allowing themselves to merely exist as memories instead of here in their physical bodies – due to the example that is set.


Artwork by: Joe Kou
http://www.facebook.com/joekou

Day 22: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 6

This is a continuation from: http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-21-international-crime-research.html


Research taken from: http://www.crime-research.org/articles/536/


USES OF CHILD PORNOGRAPHY – continued

5. Blackmail: Sexually explicit images are used to ensure the lifelong silence of the victimised child by threatening to show the pictures to parents, peers or others. Child victims will not always report pictorial records--even if they report sexual abuse--because they may be ashamed of what happened to them as well as of their participation in the pornography.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing blackmail within this world, due to human greed and self-interest – through which by the sheer nature of blackmail we accept ourselves as the abusers of others.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blackmail people as a means of requiring money instead of taking self responsibility for myself within providing for my own means – whereby I will align myself to abuse for money instead of Self responsibility.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing blackmail, whereby I am disregarding the experienced for the other person, and only looking out for my own self-interest.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing blackmail to exist around the principle of secrets, whereby someone can blackmail me based on revealing my secrets to the world.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing secrets to exists within my world, where I act in ways that I would not reveal to others due to my actions not standing as what is best for all.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a world where blackmail has become such an extensive means of obtaining money due to us having conflicting moral within society, where we will judge certain actions as so immoral, that we have to hide these actions, even though as the high incidence of blackmail shows - we still live out these immoral actions, but as a society approve of the action of hiding or suppressing what we do.

6. A medium of exchange: Child pornography is used as a means of establishing trust and camaraderie with other pedophiles and molesters and as proof of their good intentions when establishing contact with other exploiters. It is a medium of communication with fellow exploiters in public and private sex markets.

7. Access: Some exploiters exchange pornography to gain access to other markets and to other children

8. Profit: Although most do not sell child pornography, there are some paedophiles and child molesters who sell home-made videos and photos on a one-to-one basis. Some child exploiters sell their self-produced materials to finance trips overseas to popular sex tourist destinations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have minimized the quality of life to simply exist as something that I can sell and trade for my own self-interest and greed.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing capitalism to turn everything into profitable material – and by accepting and allowing this I have admitted that I have no worth, my family has no worth and anything I do has no worth, as it all gets equated to a point of profit within capitalism.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only complain about life being equal to profit – if it affects myself or my family, where I will cry and moan, but if I see it happening all around me to billions of beings each day, I turn by back and pretend I did not notice or pretend that it is not me that is responsible as I am the one that profits from living in this system that uses life for money.




THE CONNECTION BETWEEN CHILD PORNOGRAPHY AND CHILD SEX ABUSE CRIMES

Some social scientists interpret the research to indicate that the use of child pornography is a precursor to other sex crimes and that child pornography is fuel to feed the obsession of paedophilia; Child Pornography and Sexual Exploitation: European Forum for Child Welfare Position Statement, 3 (Nov. 1993) [hereafter EFCW Position Statement] (citing studies that support this thesis). others conclude that it is a safety valve that prevents such crimes.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the justification of allowing child pornographers to use child pornography as a safety valve – where I say that at least by only looking at pictures the abusers are not actually abusing real children – not understanding, realizing and comprehending the type of world I am creating where I mask these abusive intention with clever words and justifications, to protect my right to abuse.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse of ‘at least they are only masturbating to pictures of children’ as an excuse to justify the reason why I can masturbate to picture of people, creating a world where we mask our inner behaviors with reasons and excuses – without properly investigating mathematically how abuse unfolds from the abuse we allow within.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing child pornography to continue existing on the Internet, even though research indicates that child pornography exists in most cases as a prelude to the actual act.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the actions on the internet from reality – not realizing that the actions on the internet reveal what people are really doing inside and out – and is not merely just a make believe world.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give permission to the internet as a secret reality that is apparently only 3d- where I allow others their secret fantasies as long as they allow me my secret fantasies – where the internet has grow to such an extent that anything and everything is allowed under the guise of ‘its only a virtual reality and not real.’


I commit myself to show how the human has allowed itself to separate its actions into realities that are always justified as acceptable by society due to it existing in a bubble called religion, internet, culture, family, relationship, sport, entertainment, individuality, free-will – and to show that these bubbles are how we protect the deception that we clearly see and understand – however never want to take responsibility for equal and one to its existence.


Further Reading:

Success and Reward

The Visible and Invisible

Day 53: Slavery Exploiting Sex, Life and Labor in the Consumerism Concentration Camp

Day 21: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 5

This is a continuation from: http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-20-international-crime-research.html


Research taken from: http://www.crime-research.org/articles/536/


USES OF CHILD PORNOGRAPHY - continued

“3. To lower a child's inhibitions: Child abusers use pictures of other children having sex to assist in the seduction of a child and encourage reluctant children to freely participate. Images are often used as a way to show a child what the offender wants the child victim to do. Pornography may be used under the guise of "sex education" to create sexual arousal in the child.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lower the inhibitions of the person who I am sexually attracted to through manipulative words, behavior and the use of alcohol.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to trick someone into having sex with me, which by implication shows that I am not effective in communication and that I have created a world where people are so judgmental of each other, that we need to trick and persuade according to status and money to get some one to have sex with us.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn myself into a picture representing pornographic images, which I believe will please the person whom I want to have sex with.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to the pictures existent within the media and pornography, through which I evaluate my self-worth as I allow the value system of society based on beauty vs. ugly to become the value of me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my behavior around the opposite sex, to change the picture of me, so that the person will evaluate what they see through mathematic equations relating to value systems within their minds based on fantasies.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that each time when I am shopping for clothes etc – that I compare myself within the clothing to that of a beautiful, attractive woman – I am in fact separating myself from myself into a picture loaded with sexual value.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value into the image and behavioral patterns of celebrities, placing value in what they wear, not because I really care about the material or the shape of clothing – as we have seen fashions deliberately becoming sillier and sillier – but instead their success as pictures are equated to worth which is equated to money – therefore:


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also want to feel self worth by experiencing the worth of money I have equated within the clothing worn by celebrities.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the education system to exists as schools where children are forced into categories based on popularity and status, through which they compound sexual energy towards each other, and by doing so – prepare the way for themselves to become sex systems, dependent on pictures and societal status to achieve arousal and to engage in sexual activity towards the perception they have of each other.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the education system, therefore to not educate children on the value of the physical and how to live and breathe practically in your physical body – but instead turns a blind eye to the dynamics that play out in the schooling systems based on comparison, ego, sex, judgment, achievement – where the school become the educators and perpetrators of the human ego – which goes out into the world prepared by knowledge and information on how to best abuse life on this planet.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parent to use the way children participate in sex to further perpetuate sexual abuse in this world – where I will stand by and watch as my secret sexual desires actually play out right in front of me as my children become addicted to pornography and sexual abuse towards each other –while doing nothing about it because I believe this form of ‘evolution’ or ‘growth of the child to be natural – when in fact there is nothing natural about becoming dysfunctional and watching as the future generations become even more dysfunctional as they copy and modify the already abusive tendencies existent within dysfunctional humans.

4. Preservation of the child's youth: Child pornography ensures that there will always be an image of the child at the age of sexual preference.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing sexual preferences to have become the reason and purpose for why people can cheat, lie and deceive.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cheat, lie and deceive people to have sex with me based on my sexual references which I have designed in my mind through years of watching pornography – which by its design does not align with how the physical really functions during sex and is purely based on the secret mind which derives energy from stimulating the mind through pain, punishment, power, submission - everything which is abusive towards self – and therefore creates energetic reactions within the being as we react sexually towards that which is ‘wrong’.


Therefore;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate the value of the physical simply to a tool that can function in how I energetically charge symbols and images in my mind to get as much sexual energy from my interaction with another as possible. Therefore other people become purely symbols to give me my sexual rush, while I lie, cheat and deceive with special words and gestured to lure the partner that I really want – based on these ‘sexual preferences’.


I commit myself to reveal to all – how charged simple, societally accepted words are like ‘sexual preferences’, ‘likes’, ‘dislikes – and how we have energetically charged what we see each day – to fulfill the secret mind sexual fantasies – where sex is no more than seeking the greatest rush and not about physical interaction based on physical self expression.


I commit myself to no longer allow energetically charged words, pictures and situations within my world, to create an environment where everything is based on practical common sense to support Life here Equally, instead of the systematized, hidden world of energy addiction, through which we have willingly allowed all forms of abuse to be justified due to our addiction to energy.

Day 12: International Crime Research – Bipolar Disorder and Violent Crimes Part 5

This is a continuation from:

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-11-international-crime-research_13.html

Self-Forgiveness part 4:

Bipolar Disorder and Hyperactivity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat thoughts around excitement as a trigger point, through which I access and highten the energy within myself, to allow myself for a moment to experience greater levels of energy.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use hyper-activity as a means to encourage myself to move myself into action, to complete a task based around fear of survival – instead of moving myself without fears as backchat directing my every step.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the energy within myself to compound around procrastination, which then comes to a point days or weeks later where the compounded energy around guilt and regret manifests as the energy of hyper-activity, after which I crash back into the old pattern of procrastination, not caring and laziness.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Hyperactivity as the original design to begin within children where we use energy to hype the child into a state of hyperactivity by pushing them through trigger words linked to likes versus dislikes and fear – to become exited and hyperactive, instead of teaching our children to live practically in the physical, moving oneself here as the breath, treating all situations and places and people as equal, not valuing one situation or face more than another.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as the adult to develop this pattern of hyperactivity within children by exiting them through words, pictures and behaviorisms and through this teaching the child to attach certain values to certain things in our world, which teaches the child that it is ok to ignore, disregard or abuse other things/people, because it does not give the same energetic feeling.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the above pattern to develop in our children, which has developed the consumer-child, as they learn to immediately attach values to everything they come across and to react energetically within judgment to people and things – while they consume the energy they experience from participating in consumerism – eventually requiring more and more to experience more energy.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the above pattern to exist in our children as we turn all things on this planet into consumer products for the energy experience we all desire as ‘heightened energy or states of hyper-activity – through which we have learnt to completely disregard what we have done and become and to place everything only according to brackets of energy consumption within ourselves, instead of its equal and one value as life.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing children to become addicted to energy through which they then become hyperactive, as the ‘chemical substance’ that is used to control the consumer market into greater levels of addiction.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to program the physical from childhood into chemical reactions, designed around pleasing others in an attempt to appease my mind, which from childhood was taught that in order for me to accept myself, others have to accept me – therefore within myself I developed Bipolar Disorder as I rush and push myself through backchat as I worry if ‘others like me.’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing children and adults to be brainwashed that food is good for you if it is sold in the shops and advertised on tv, with no investigation of the real effects that food sources have on the physical and how it directly compounds within the beings to eventually rewrite the beings into a chemically induced system that responds to words and pictures linked to the energy rush experience – thus making it easier for corporations to manipulate people through images and words linked to the energy experiences – previous programmed into the being from childhood.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the existence of ‘hyperactivity’ within me as a state into which I possess myself when I try and manipulate myself into feeling ‘good’ about doing something, and to avoid the negatively associated feeling with what I am doing.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing scientists to avoid the real issues behind why adults and children become hyperactive, and instead labeling the person, describing methods to deal with the symptoms and medication – while accumulating a nation of energy addicted beings, who will abuse all life on this planet, as we are currently doing and have always done for self interest and greed.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not directly see what is happening to our children as they go through experiences of hyperactivity and instead of labeling it as ‘normal childhood phases’ to actually investigate the source and origin of the child’s behavior due to energy addictions and food, to find solutions to what we are doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage hyperactivity in children through encouraging such energetic and sugar induced behavior, because I believe that hyperactivity is actually me encouraging and allowing my child to ‘live fully and express themselves’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage hyperactivity in children, because as an adult I believe that to encourage my child to express themselves fully, regardless of which behaviors they are copying or acting out and what the real design is behind how the child is behaving – allows me to feel more alive if I see a child running around and laughing, playing, expressing – which means that even if the child’s behavior goes into hyperactivity I still feel that the child is the manifestation of Life, which I have somehow lost and am now living through the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish within myself and within my expression, due to me believing that adults must express themselves a certain way – thus forcing life as a fake behavior of movements, and sounds and ideas into my children, who then become addicted to energy as I watch in appreciation of what they are apparently living ‘for me’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage hyperactivity in children, because as an adult I believe that children are apparently free and without worry – which means that children can get away with any form of expression, regardless of the fact that most children these days are developing ADD and ADHD and other behavioral problems – which is directly showing me that how I am designing the expression of the child – has become systematized and in the end manifests in some children as dysfunctions – which then later manifests as adults who abuse themselves and life as they live according to the designs of what the parents were really thinking when they educated the child and encouraged the child in its expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage hyperactivity in children, because as an adult I use memories of my past experiences where I either attached good values to my experiences or negative values – either way I am filtering through to my child, my own fears, and judgments about life and expression – thus turning my child into a copy of myself as those aspects of myself that I am actually regretting, fearing, wanting or the hidden parts of myself which I have denied, but which manifest within my child as their DNA. Therefore the child in most cases manifests as a ‘little demon’ because it exists as the information I have not effectively processed within myself or taken responsibility for but instead ‘suppressed’ within my mind – which now exists as the core information from which the child is designed – leaving the child unable to understand or even direct their experience – because they are not yet aware of how they are designed as the DNA of the parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage hyperactivity in children, because as an adult I allow my child to manifest in DNA as a copy of the aspects of myself that I did not effectively direct within what is best for all – and instead of taking self responsibility for myself using the child as a mirror – to effectively support myself and the child equally – I run and  hide behind more adult deceptions while professing to the child that he/she ‘must not do what I do’, thus teaching the child that inner conflict is acceptable to fear and hide from self responsibility – thus creating Bipolar disorder within the child as I ‘train’ him/her to avoid certain experiences of the mind by shifting yourself in the mind to more pleasant ‘happy/fulfilling’ experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing science to exist behind a veil of deception, where they claim to be those who ‘understand how the mind works’ yet they cannot directly speak the truth of what we are doing to the children and ourselves.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing scientists to lie and deceive by lying about the causes of mental illness, because what they say is done in such a way, to protect the system and to protect capitalism, which I have realized, simply by being self honest in my observation, but allow in anyway because I protect capitalism as well, do to a fear of death.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept what scientists say as they protect Capitalism, because I trust the Scientists and what they say as the ‘authority’ of how people function, without standing equal and one to who they are – as people stuck in the same fear of survival as I am – thus giving myself the opportunity to stop participating in the lie – and to see directly through what is being allowed – to speak up and stand as the solution and the voice to the solution.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Hyperactivity to exist as the manifestation of the design of myself as I have taken ‘activities’ – which are the basic practical points that require direction in our world for us to live – and sped them up to become more and faster – thus Hyper – so that more deeds can be performed each day by the slaves within capitalism to make sure that we get money for our actions.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and design Bipolar disorder through generations of programming these behaviors into and as the mind as a life application which first exists as the personality of the being and then becomes the DNA of the being, to be passed down to the future generations, through mother and father together.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and design Bipolar disorder through generations of programming these behaviors into and as the mind, due to my allowing the Fear of Self, and Fear of Survival, and to allow thought based patterns around which I go from seeking the experiences of elated moods and expansion to avoid the negative emotions and experiences – which becomes an energetic mind pattern which drives me through fear into hyper-activities, where I am always living according to this cycle.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and design Bipolar disorder through generations of programming these behaviors into and as the mind – through which I have participated in the points mentioned above which make up and construct my mind in its entirety, which then gets called my personality – which is then accepted by myself as it is accepted by other people – simply because ‘it is human nature’ or ‘how god made me’ – which is how we as humanity allow ourselves to become dysfunctional and how over the generations we have designed and manifested Bipolar Disorder due to the previous generations and how we construct ours minds into a Pre-Programmed Design.