Monday, July 27, 2015

Day 210: Relationship Dynamics| My first crush

Continuation from:

Each one of us probably remembers our first crush. I remember my crushes were always on boys who were completely out of reach - our maybe that was the basis of what a crush was -a focus on an individual who you could never reach, a boy or girl who were 'out of our league' so to speak. My first crush was on a boy in school as it usually is. I saw him as attractive (as it usually goes) and there was just something about him that drew me to him.

I would always watch him from a distance, trying to at times follow him around and be seated near him. He was in the popular group, which was part of the whole 'unattainable' design - which as I look back at it I realize is part of how the mind designs the attraction systems and 'falling in love' - the push and pull towards a person while one accumulated feelings and emotions and thoughts until you are consumed. The one day after school I noticed a mutual friend of ours was sitting with him and a few of his friends on the grass. I took this opportunity to casually - as casually as my beating heart could take it that is, stroll (my legs wanted to run as fast as they could) over to them. I 'strolled' over to my friend and started up some useless random conversation to explain why I was coming over to talk to him. I completely ignored 'the boy' because I did not want him and his friends to ever get a whiff of my intentions. As it goes with 'school yard politics' one knows that if the 'cool kids' were to find out that a normal 'uncool' person had a major crush on one in their 'ranks' - this would usually result in teasing and relentless gossiping, all for the entertainment of the 'cool gang'. So I was very careful about making sure that nobody found out that I liked this boy. I did not tell my own friends either, out of concern that one of them might tell someone and it would find its way to the 'cool gang' Jeesh the amount of trouble and energy we put into these useless mind infatuations. But at the time, as we all are able to relate to it felt obviously so real and so intense, that nobody could have told me it was actually just a moment in time, a design that my mind was accessing based on hormones and the desire for specialness and how 'love' and the design of relationships was busy manifesting with me.

As we are all probably able to relate, when we were young nobody could have told us anything about our feelings. When our parents or adults tried to break the connection our minds had formed to something, we would literally go berserk, as the mind would revolt within the us against these connections being changed. The mind at this stage within puberty is connecting its system designs, which would then integrate fully into adulthood - therefore setting the pathways for how we would participate in these relationship and 'love' designs in adulthood - therefore some blame it on 'hormones' - but mostly hormones are simply the carriers of these parts of the system designs. Therefore to touch one of these designs within a teenager would usually result in anger, resentment, rebellion and out right aggression and depression. It would appear as if one is literally trying to kill lol - the teenager - and they would express to the adult that you are trying to cause them harm. How many times do we remember saying to our parents that we hate them for something they did or made us do. An example of how the mind is adamantly defending its designing process.

During this time as I mentioned the mind is setting the pathways for who we would become as adults and therefore the 'possessions' that teenagers seem to go into - shows us the protection that the mind has in place for its own systems. Then when we become adults we settle into these personality designs, as they fully integrate into the mind-body relationship - and therefore it becomes even harder as the years go by to change these patterns - due to the fact that we completely become the design and therefore are not able to look at them objectively as an outsider one could say - to really see what it is that we are doing. We will speak from the design as well, meaning we could for a moment see what it is that we are doing, however because we are completely on a physical level integrated into this system, we are unable to move ourselves out of it. The mind will thus speak and think for us, due to the integration that has happened on al levels of the mind (conscious, subconscious, unconscious, quantum mind, quantum physical).

Therefore it is always interesting to observe ourselves when we are faced with one of our own pre-programmed designs - we might for a moment pop our heads out and observe or become aware of the design itself, but the mind obviously has been directing us since young and therefore has absolute directive principle, unless we absolutely breathe and remind ourselves of who we want to be and how we would like to change. Then as one experiences yourself slipping back into 'playing the game' meaning participating in the design itself - you loose that awareness and it literally becomes confusing, because now you don’t understand why yesterday you saw what you were doing and now today you are completely 'in it' - you are transfixed by the information and the feelings and have literally forgotten your previous resolve.

The design itself possesses in a millisecond (the quantum mind and quantum physical) - therefore if one is not steady in your resolve and remind yourself of what you have seen and realized - the mind will quickly and easily simply, literally 'change your mind' and off you go again - from one second to the next. The old feelings come creeping up slowly within the body and this is where the mind uses the addictive nature of energy to keep us trapped within the same design. So just like a drug user that has been injected with a drug while they are trying to stop - the same happens with our addiction to these pre-programmed behaviors. The mind 'injects' us with old feelings and physical sensations and then bam the resolve is gone and the lines literally blur between what you understood yesterday to your understanding today.

The mind brings up justifications and excuses such as 'but it feels right' or 'but she said this' or 'but it can work' - therefore the part of us that needs to hear the justification will then fall slap bang back into the system as it fulfils itself with the information required to keep you there. The mind really is a super fast, superior machine and we have designed it so from generation to generation to evolve itself every step of the way. Therefore what one will find is that if you take one step forward in awareness the mind takes 10 steps forward and then sets you back while containing you in a bubble where you even believe you are changing and that things are going in the right direction. This is where I have found (and I am sure many can relate) - you go 'forward' into 'directing your life' - but realize after a few months that you were actually going in the same direction as before - but the mind made it look different because it gave you what you wanted -it allowed you to feel empowered, directive and aware, while simply taking us along the exact same design, but with added experiences.

So this is where stopping comes in - and not allowing ourselves to participate in the design for a while - like with breaking any addiction. Because how else do you know that your mind has not simply evolved the original design into a new one , running the same systems in the background, getting you to participate while the whole time convincing you that you are able to direct your experiences for the better without having to actually actively stop participating. I mean, how do we know that something is 'our choice' if we have not stopped the design, de-programmed it within ourselves to look at it again later and decide if what existed in us before is what we would like to live. Anything before that is as we know automated from somewhere within us and has time and time again controlled us, at times with us knowing that we have no directive principles and are being led 'down the same garden path'. Lol boy oh boy I have done this so many times myself - where I could not stop but told myself I was stopping, while changing and 'proving' to myself that I did not have to withhold my 'expression' - and that I was completely capable of still participating in the design itself but with my new principles and understanding. Lol the mind really reacts like a child, where it will spit out justifications such as 'but what about my self expression' and 'what is the point of life if I cannot explore myself'…. Then how I would be tested on this within myself is that obviously if I saw I was still having the same feelings and thoughts and acting the same way -tada. Also if I could not disengage myself from the pattern for a long time and kept going back into it with new justifications - tada!

Therefore, a suggestion is if you find yourself stepping back into an old pattern while exploring how to change it, to keep writing every day and being brutally self honest about what it is that you are really doing and experiencing. A suggestion is always to simply stop and not participate - if it smells like smoke, and looks like smoke - well then you are probably busy building a fire…