Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts

Friday, November 14, 2014

Day 173: The Paranormal Series part 34 - Demons vs. Angels part 21

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"These guides came from various different religions, so for example they explained that they were Wiccan guides who specifically worked with Wiccans who summoned them and asked them for support. Therefore each guide would be placed with a human according to where they were in their spiritual 'path' so to speak or according to their religious choosing. In the end - as they explained it - the guides knew that all of it eventually came together to create one point as Life, but that different religions were created based on how people perceived different aspects of Life and that the guides were there to work with a being according to how they were developing specific aspects of themselves - which would then be based on whichever religion the person chose to work with. For the humans who were more receptive to 'everything' they would obviously draw guides who would assist and support them in expanding their knowledge. But it was not the purpose of the guides to push or influence a human before they were ready because the whole point of 'spiritual development' was that the human was responsible for developing ourselves."



So they explained that with my specific spiritual path, I would from now on be working specifically with Gods, who would be training me to be able to do 'Gods work' on earth, specifically bringing across a message to humanity and working with healing. I was obviously quite shocked and experienced a slight bit of excitement that finally my focus and dedication to my spirituality was taking a direction. They explained that I would be working with 4 Gods each one representing a specific part of 'God' from which I would learn. Now I started feeling nervous - I mean I was about to come face to face with actual Gods -all of these thoughts rushed through my head - what if I was not good enough, what if they did not like me, what if I was to slow or dumb for them etc etc. You know all of the ugly thoughts we have about ourselves where we place ourselves as less than other people. I asked my Wicca guides these questions and raised my 'concerns' and they of course did their best to put 'my mind' at ease by explaining to me that the Gods were already fully standing equal to me in their task - therefore firstly they had no judgment towards me because this was their existence, and secondly because judgment did not exist in them as part of their 'design'.

Now I felt really exited as the guides asked me if I was ready because the Gods had arrived. I could feel the air buzzing and becoming thick. I felt a ball of anxiety develop in my stomach and I would one moment be asking myself all these questions about me versus them and all the what if's and the next moment I would be trying to calm myself down with my assertive tentative voice, reminding myself of what the Wicca guides had said, to not allow self judgment. I had to really calm down my mind, my 'true self' from constantly speaking out these worst thoughts about myself, while at the same time worrying that the Gods would obviously be able to hear me ranting on at myself to myself, which of course did not help things much. Therefore I could feel myself waning between anxiety and confidence all the time; oh how fragile the mind is.

The first God introduced himself and called himself Deos. He explained that he was in essence the leader of the 4 that would be working with me and that he would be mostly working with me as the one that will be training me on most aspects I need to know/understand/be able to do. So each God introduced themselves to me and explained what they would be teaching me. I felt very humble and very small at that point lol.

So again the reason why I share this part of my story is to show the developmental phase of myself as I was trying to turn myself into a worker of god, a doer of good. This exists in all of us, the inherent desire to be able to either live out our angelic self or express our demonic self. So this yearning of mine was obviously quite apparent for me to have walked the path I did in create this right hand of God personality lol. Obviously years later as I started investigating myself and my past - I realized that again, as with all religions this was my way of trying to empower myself. To try and make myself more than my fears and more than my actual life, the reality of my life which was starting me in the face every day...
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Day 172: The Paranormal Series part 33 - Demons vs. Angels part 20

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"when I would ask them about why 'they' allowed this person to come into my life, they would answer that - and here things get even funnier - that it was because of my specific role in the 'design of heaven'. One day I am again angry and frustrated and hoping that somehow my guides would help me to change things by telling me what to do or by miraculously being able to change my reality from some greater 'scheme of things'. But again the guides tell me that my suffering up to this point had been a very specific part of what was to come in my spiritual training and that now was the right time for me to be told what this special 'spiritual path' was, as they could see that I had dedicated myself to my spiritual life and was at peace one could say with the fact that I would never really fit into the 'world system'."

So, with the boyfriend things carried on. I had introduced him to my spirituality and he decided for the most part to participate in Wicca as well, and obviously this created a great 'hope' in me, a positive feeling that perhaps things would change. Perhaps the guides would be able to intervene and assist him to sort out this dark side of himself- this madness.

Time went by and nothing changed. As I mentioned in previously blogs the guides mentioned to me one day that they had been preparing me for the beings that would be arriving to take over my spiritual training. So on this particular day that they opened up this point to me, they explained to me that there existed a hierarchy of spirits in the heavenly existence between God and the humans. By God what they meant ofcourse was not a big guy in the sky with a beard but more the life force which was responsible for and created everything. They explained that this Life Force or as some would call it 'God' created actual beings that would represent him in a form that could work with and communicate with humans.

Each form for example represented an aspect of 'God' and each form was a combination you could say between a human and God - therefore the God force or life force was placed into a beingness similar to that of a human spirit. These were called 'Gods'. Then underneath them so to speak you had your guides and masters and such beings who existed in the heavenly existence. Guides for example were human beings who had crossed over and after many years of dedication to the work of 'Heaven' and 'God' these souls would become guides to help humans.

These guides came from various different religions, so for example they explained that they were Wiccan guides who specifically worked with Wiccans who summoned them and asked them for support. Therefore each guide would be placed with a human according to where they were in their spiritual 'path' so to speak or according to their religious choosing. In the end - as they explained it - the guides knew that all of it eventually came together to create one point as Life, but that different religions were created based on how people perceived different aspects of Life and that the guides were there to work with a being according to how they were developing specific aspects of themselves - which would then be based on whichever religion the person chose to work with. For the humans who were more receptive to 'everything' they would obviously draw guides who would assist and support them in expanding their knowledge. But it was not the purpose of the guides to push or influence a human before they were ready because the whole point of 'spiritual development' was that the human was responsible for developing ourselves.
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Monday, November 10, 2014

Day 171: The Paranormal Series part 32 - Demons vs. Angels part 19

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"Obviously this did not work either because after a  few days he was back to his usual self. So the reason why I am sharing these smaller stories is to show how far along I went into and got consumed with spirituality to try and solve my problems. I am therefore walking the time line of events, or at least those that pop up for me in my memories, so that in my sharing I am obviously firstly for myself seeing and reminding myself of how change has to always be self and not a 'band-aid' method that works with good feelings to avoid negative feelings. That in actuality - all those years as I stuck to the really odd-ball situations, choices and people I chose to live with and for - this was really who I had become and the answer was always all along to change myself to no longer accept myself as for example 'abused' or vulnerable' or 'in need of guidance' or 'spiritual' etc..."

Secondly in my sharing I obviously would like to also assist other people who are faced with choices to make the changes required, but like myself are facing the point of absolute fear and denial, and would rather cling to hope and religion than do the actual legg-work of real time changing. So obviously the changing I am referring to is and was not only on a physical level - for example leaving the abusive boyfriend or pushing myself to become self supportive - yes practical changes are an absolute part of the changing process, but what I am also referring to is the 'self-changing' required and this as most are able to relate, is the most difficult part. Using the 'inner child' analogy as an example - I am not saying we have an inner child - this use to be white light constructed designs within the mind conscious system and therefore were merely placements through which the human was controlled through and by 'the white light' (heaven) according to our 'pre-programmed life designs'.

But the reason why I use this inner child here as an example, while we are on the topic is to show how for example even though the advice from the 'guides' were in a sense practical - in that he had to change himself and ultimately let go - which was why we did on a symbolic level the merging of himself to his supressed inner child while also stopping the addiction to the 'entity' which represented all his anger and jealousy. But what this in essence would have meant - had he and myself really understood 'self-change would have meant forgiving self for having accepted self for becoming the anger and jealousy and thus creating from that a 'backup system' per so - or shall we call it a protective survival personality. Therefore the key would have been to take responsibility for his creation in full understanding of what he allowed and to therefore within himself no longer accept and allow himself to further participate in the design and allowance of such personality designs. So obviously what was missing from what we did, which we did not understand was that changing oneself is an absolute statement and 'gift' of self forgiveness - in which one takes responsibility for what you have allowed, while giving oneself the power and awareness that you are the one that lets go and that within this you are in essence giving yourself back to yourself - where one had stood back and allowed experiences to determine who one is throughout ones life. Therefore one literally 'goes with the flow' such as in this case where he became possessed by this 'entity' or personality design because he did not know that 'self' is already here- meaning me as complete here, no parts missing or dependant on some force or special technique to bring it back.

So funnily enough what all these little spiritual techniques showed me upon introspection, was that we are obviously from very young taught that who we are is very much dependent on developing ourselves into completeness -and this is done through firstly the education system, our parents, religion, and the roles we accept within society - and that for each this will depend obviously on ones religious and cultural choices (or upbringing). Therefore in most forms of philosophy about 'who we are' very few modalities will say 'I am here' full stop. Meaning who I am is already here as this physical body and that therefore I use knowledge but I am not determined by knowledge (the mind). Currently our understanding is that it is exactly the other way around that the physical is merely a vessel for 'I think therefore I am'

So looking back at that whole little exercise - as I mentioned before, it allowed me my own insights into how we have a whole song and dance literally for amalgamating parts of ourselves, instead of realizing - I am HERE.
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Sunday, November 2, 2014

Day 168: The Paranormal Series part 29 - Demons vs. Angels part 16

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"Sitting alone either house sitting or in my own room, I would allow the 'spirits/demons' that came through the ouija board to vent about how bad their lives were, why they died and in most cases why they hated god and 'heaven'. I was sinking further and further into melancholy, because nothing would shake me out of this pit I had dug for myself and in fact my search for spirituality trapped me further and further, because remember I had come from years of 'trusting' my faith, my spirituality. Therefore, when my choices as my consciousness and that which I was not consciously aware of which I called 'spiritual path' - failed me -I justified everything away to it being a difficult spiritual path for me to walk - and so I continued…"

For example, as I mentioned previously the guides when I would ask them about why 'they' allowed this person to come into my life, they would answer that - and here things get even funnier - that it was because of my specific role in the 'design of heaven'. One day I am again angry and frustrated and hoping that somehow my guides would help me to change things by telling me what to do or by miraculously being able to change my reality from some greater 'scheme of things'. But again the guides tell me that my suffering up to this point had been a very specific part of what was to come in my spiritual training and that now was the right time for me to be told what this special 'spiritual path' was, as they could see that I had dedicated myself to my spiritual life and was at peace one could say with the fact that I would never really fit into the 'world system'.

Now remember at this point I had left my job managing the horse farm and for a while I lived with 'the boyfriend' after which I decided to move into a free standing little spare room that my mom had on her property. The boyfriend - lets call him D - his mom's fiancé died and the house we were all living in was to be sold. His mother was going to be moving into a smaller 2 bedroom apartment, so I decided to rather move into the extra room at my moms house, where there would be a bit more space and a bit more privacy.

At this stage the abuse was already escalated to physical abuse. He did not hit me, but he use to strangle me, or shove me hard up against walls. As I mentioned though in my previous blog, I justified why I would 'make' myself live with this life rather than having to again survive in the system. My previous job as horse farm manager was for a very minimum wage, for a lot of work and this left me so bitter towards the end that over the 2 year period of working there and barely scraping by with just being able to buy myself food, I developed an intense dislike for the idea of again having to work long hours for someone else's comfort and luxuries. That, together with the fact that my previous experience trying to find work in the city where, as I explained I could not find work due to 'affirmative action' and the 'humiliation' I experienced of having to walk the streets asking for work - all of these factors together - contributed to the decision I made to take the abuse I endured from the boyfriend which happened lets say twice a week - over what I considered was daily abuse in a world/career environment

So, I lived in this little room and spent most of my time talking to spirits and watching television. Obviously the rest of the time I would go out with D either to clubs, or dinner or to a pub for drinks, and obviously was constantly on edge of what would set him off. It was always unknown what would set him off. It was funny, because observing him, I noticed that he really was similar to an interdimensional demon - a being that was consumed with such jealousy and/or rage - that they were completely 'stuck' in that experience where they became completely lost in and as the anger and rage. Therefore, one could say that the being itself was gone and now purely existed in a state that would fluctuate between anxious, agitated and slightly suspicious to full blown attacks all because of the slightest trigger...
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Friday, October 31, 2014

Day 167: The Paranormal Series part 28 - Demons vs. Angels part 15

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"The experience one then has towards others is always coming from and based upon a self belief. What I have found very interesting in studying the development of the human psyche, is that family and societal relationships are all based on affirming ones relationships towards others - fascinating. Meaning - where we split the being into self versus others, which obviously then becomes a life long battle of trying to live up to the expectations of others, instead of realizing I AM HERE - meaning here I am in my physical body, I am already complete, therefore how can parts of me be with and from other people? But, again because the capitalists and marketers and psychologists study and formulate information used in consumerism to support consumerism, the truth of I AM HERE, does not get mentioned as a definitive truth, because this would be the entire collapse of the consumerism system as people will stop engaging the outside world for 'self fulfilment' but will express self - which are 2 very different things. Currently the consumerism market exist on the premise of pushing and impulsing humanity to buy as much as possible, in the pursuit for personal happiness and fulfilment. Unfortunately growing up, our parents believed the brainwashing, and raised their children to become energy systems and obviously as all of us get addicted to the energy systems of the mind, it becomes more and more difficult for us to stop and see what we are doing and change…"

In a previous blog I mentioned that after I had found out that I had to leave the horse farm managers job due to an old hip injury, I met a guy and 'feel in love'. And boy did I fall. By the time the emotional/mental abuse started it was already to late. I was financially dependent on him and as I mentioned previously due to the strained relationship I had with my mother and father - I knew only this strange emotionally abusiveness that crept in over time. This was really my first boyfriend, because even in school I only remember having a boyfriend once and it only lasted about a month. So at first this character was very charming and of course said all the right words, that a young woman wants to hear as she steps out into the unknown world of sexuality. He would take me to restaurants and buy me gifts. The day that the first tell tale sign of abuse opened up, I was obviously shocked but assumed that this was something that would not repeat itself, as we were in the early stages of 'commitment' and that his jealousy towards my male friends was a sign that he was falling in love. Mmm, unfortunately as time went by and the abuse escalated to physical abuse, I snapped out of my fairy-tale ideal about what this relationship could be and was now faced with a choice. Either break it off and go at it alone in the system with no real qualifications or endure the abuse so that I could stay at home and be in my little bubble of 'spirituality'.

Obviously looking back now I realise how extensively I feared money and the entire idea of working - to have put myself through that. Anyway, so the reason why I am bringing this in now is to show the development of you could say my 'demonic self'. Because the more I endured the abuse, the more it became me. I am not saying I started abusing others, I am saying that what was already existent in me from childhood as a point of reference and a self belief that allowed me to justify being in such a relationship, became something I integrated into myself, you could say became a choice over other problems as if being abused is an easy option. It obviously hurt like hell to go through the abuse and was terrifying at times, but as I mentioned this in itself became me, a part of me that I accepted. Yet, at the same time this acceptance of the abused - fed into my demonic self even further, where I hated myself and the fact that I had made this choice. Because a part of me screamed at me 'why don’t you get the hell out' - while absolute fear would come over me at the prospect of leaving and having to survive on my own. Therefore not only was I allowing abuse externally, but this in itself caused me to build an absolute hatred towards myself, while at the same time you could say being addicted to living as conflict - which was the pattern that I grew up accepted from childhood. So here as you are able to see - I was creating an absolute demon, that was multi-faceted and as you are able to tell - was feeding itself in a perpetuating cycle - and thus I became more and more 'deadened' to the fact that I was putting myself through this.

I remember reaching a numbness stage, where in-between having to deal with the partner, I would simply sit and either watch tv or play on the ouija board talking to my 'guides' and 'passer-by spirits/demons'. As I mentioned with how J and I used to communicate with 'spirits/demons' on the ouija board, this became an acceptable from of expressing the anger and disappointment that I felt both to myself and to the general situation I was facing, which was the 'world system' and 'the partner'. Obviously in there I also blamed my parents for not having showed me intimacy and nurturing, because I knew that my relationship with them, left me unable to firstly understand what comfortability and trust and 'love' is, let alone how to recognise it. I knew that the 'demon' (I use to call him) partner that I drew to me, was as a result of the relationships I had come to see as 'normal' in my direct family environment. So, again a self-perpetual cycle was what I had created as a result of what I had allowed thus far.

Sitting alone either house sitting or in my own room, I would allow the 'spirits/demons' that came through the ouija board to vent about how bad their lives were, why they died and in most cases why they hated god and 'heaven'. I was sinking further and further into melancholy, because nothing would shake me out of this pit I had dug for myself and in fact my search for spirituality trapped me further and further, because remember I had come from years of 'trusting' my faith, my spirituality. Therefore, when my choices as my consciousness and that which I was not consciously aware of which I called 'spiritual path' - failed me -I justified everything away to it being a difficult spiritual path for me to walk - and so I continued...
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Sunday, October 26, 2014

Day 165: The Paranormal Series part 26 - Demons vs. Angels part 13

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In my previous blogs that I have done on for example serial killers or rapists or child molesters, I drew a parallel between the 'feeling' systems of these 'criminals' as they became addicted to the 'feelings' that were generated by the mind as they followed through on their actions, to the feeling systems that you and I might participate in - it all comes from the same mind systems, only difference is that a serial killer might not have the morality programming stopping him on acting out his addictions, whereas we do - and thus we act according to the rights and wrongs set out by society. But, the point is that these addictions to our 'feelings' are all from the same mind designs as base framework from which we all make our decisions. So, here one might shout at me and say 'it is just not the same thing dam you!!' Really? Have you paid attention to the slave labour trade where people work in dirty, dangerous factories for minimum wages so that you and I can go to the mall and buy excessively? Have we paid attention to the fact that each time I say to myself 'I just have to have that item' and I go and buy into consumerism, I am buying into a feeling and behind it is an entire industry that abuses people and our natural resources to feed me the end product of a possession? So how is Ted Bundy's Possession different to that of a demon, to that of the rest of humanity who become possessed by and are dictated to 'feelings'? How many people act on anger? How many of us have acted on jealousy? How many of us have acted on feelings that come up inside of us, that lead us to take action, because we believe that these feelings are real? Did Ted Bundy not believe the thoughts and feelings and urges he had were real and thus he allowed himself to follow the possession, because the outcome gave him relief and made him feel good? How many wars are fought over people's feelings? I believe god exists because I get a feeling inside my body that he is with me - therefore I will declare war on other people who 'feel' different Gods'. Mmmm fuzzy logic.

What I have come to realize over the years, as I look back at my Wicca experiences as I do when I really look at all the things I tried to do and attain, was that it was my drive for positive experiences, to feel empowered and for that ultimate desire that exist in each one of us to be a super star in my own life lol. So again, I reiterate, which I know was something that did not come through clearly in my video series, that I am not supporting one religion over another. I am sharing that I realized that all religions and the pursuit to belong to a religion from what I have come to understand, exist as a part of the inherent nature of the human to belong to something, to feel special and to create with ones mind an environment in which one can really create any reality of ones choosing. I mean in ones mind, we can really create any belief system and use small aspects based on reality to confirm that our religious belief is valid. Therefore whether one is a Satanist or Christian, it all comes down to the same factors existent within how one finds a belief system that supports ones personalities.

For example, J and I use to spend so many hours performing magic and 'raising energy'. Raising energy, basically involved us doing specific , you could say a combination between a trance, dance and meditation movements - whereby one harnesses or 'takes in' the energy from earth. Therefore we would either spend long evenings at his house 'raising energy' over candles and music, or we would do this wherever I was house sitting. House-sitting became a little job of mine, which I quite enjoyed, because it meant that I was out from under my moms feet so to speak, while earning a bit of an income, whilst having my own space to do my own things, of which Wicca was of course a large part. Especially considering that J and I would often be on the Ouija Board talking to spirits - this is definitely something that we could not do openly in front of either his parents or my mom, therefore we relished the opportunity to do so in our own 'private space'.

In 'raising energy;' - we were essentially, as the starting point of what we were doing drawing energy from the earth, for us to use in attaining or achieving outcomes that would be in our favour by castings spells and directing the energy into our spells. Therefore you could say we were participating in the same consumerist mind set as any other religion, where one partake in some form of ritual be it by doing your duty and going to church and thus appeasing a god or completing some satanic ritual - where it all came down to us trying to out do and out compete the rest of humanity, by adhering to a spiritual/religious practise which would allow us to get what we wanted in life. So the question I have been asking ever since is whether spirituality and religion in any way actually support the human more than it being another consumerist trap of finding ways to make oneself happy, because in life we just don’t get what we want, because this current money system does not allow for individual freedom of expression and thus religion provides for mystical methods and at most 'hope' through which one can bride and conjure good fortune. This is actually quite sad, if one look at it, because religion and spirituality is portrayed as an essential developmental part of the human, yet if you take a closer look you will find that it is merely about buying ones happiness as a result of our capitalistic system. I spent many hours trying to draw and manifest a better life for myself through my beliefs, my faith and the techniques I used to channel energy into my intentions (magic).
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Thursday, October 9, 2014

Day 161: The Paranormal Series part 22 - Demons vs. Angels part 9


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"Therefore when I received this welcoming from J's guides - I decided to follow this positive energy experience. J and I started spending more and more time together and the more I spent time with him, obviously the more irritated my already prone to irritation lol mother became and the more I wanted to avoid her. Obviously this caused me to both stay away more from home and also to focus all of my minds attention on my new found spirituality, to not have to admit that I actually felt afraid, humiliated and 'done in'."

From there J started introducing me more and more to magic and spell casting. We started out with the more innocent types of spell casting (white magic), where for example one would cast spells for good fortune, love, money, protection etc. But as time went by lol, we progressed more and more into 'the dark side' Ok it was not that serious - get the picture of dead cats and sacrificed babies out of your head. Basically how it all started was as follows: both J and I were living with our parents. He was diagnosed years before with depression due to a chemical imbalance and was medically excused from having to work in the system. He had spent a month or so in a psychiatric hospital when this chemical imbalance was detected, and was then released as an 'out patient', where the condition was that he would come back every 2 weeks to see a psychologist and stay on his medication. His parents initially were ok with this, but as time went by they obviously started resenting the fact that he slouched around the house al day, doing minimal work and blatantly would brag at any opportunity he could get, especially to any Christian visitor how he was a wiccan and had guides etc etc.

So being a Christian family - they firstly tried to accommodate his religion, but obviously there were certain points where the 2 belief systems would clash and J would meet them head on with a 'don’t you speak to me like that' attitude and then the parents would get angry and so forth. So what I picked up from the word go was that his parents had a tolerance level which J would at times step over deliberately, in an attempt as he would explain it to me, to show Christians that Wiccans also deserve the same respect and opportunities to express themselves, which Christians had been give unconditionally, due to Christianity becoming the standardised religion in many parts of the world and especially South Africa since 'back in the day'. To top that off J was gay and not just gay, he would flaaaunt it. He had long blond hair and was quite feminine, sooo if you add that to the fact that he would push any christian's buttons with his 'I am a witch' talk - and obviously you would end up from time to time, with friction developing in their house.

So both J and myself would confide in each other when we had arguments with family and from there our magic started developing from 'white magic' which as I explained above as the 'innocent'
type of spell casting, to 'grey magic' where we would cast spells to 'bounce' what people did, back to them. LOL. Anyways so basically this meant that if somebody was mean to us or would try and hurt us etc, we would cast a spell so that whatever they did to us would go back to them 3 TIMES!! As I said, looking back now I can giggle about these things, because seriously it shows me, how religion shows firstly how effective the human imagination is in created our own self interest, but to also be able to live out and express all the nasty, thoughts and emotions that we have towards each other and ourselves, while supressing our fears of each other, but under the guise of 'spirituality, or 'religion'. Makes it all sound so plausible and innocent when you are getting away with all kinds of shit in your mind towards yourself and others...
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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Day 158: The Paranormal Series part 19 - Demons vs. Angels part 6

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"Only years later (which is where my involvement wit Desteni comes in) did I start to see and understand that there were even deeper truths, which in my younger years I would not have been able or willing to listen to and this was mostly due to the fact that my 'intrigue' as I mentioned earlier had turned into an energy which I had become accustomed to and therefore, this was the start of my interests into all things new age and paranormal - where my life choices from there on were mostly shaped by my desire to follow this energy of 'mystery and intrigue..." 


For more information on my 'discoveries' into the Paranormal:

Ghost/haunting experiences of the past: 


Experiencing ghost/ghosts demons and the relationship to the Mind (now): 












The history of Desteni and Demons:


Sunette Spies - creating a Ghost

So following on from my developing curiosity in school - or shall I say developing my positive and negative energy personalities:  after high school I studied horses and found a job managing a horse farm. In that time I was very lonely as the farm was quite isolated and I did not have a car to go to town. In that time I visited a Kinesiologist and this peaked my interest so much that then and there, I decided to one day, if the opportunity presented itself, I would study Kinesiology myself.  I did not have access to the internet on the farm, so the only way I could research alterative therapies is of someone loaned or gave me a book on the subject. I was pretty miserable in that job, because the work was quite labour intensive for very little pay. I continued to 'hope' that one day I would be able to study Kinesiology and/or other forms of alternative therapy.


Due to a pre-existent hip problem, the work that I was doing started to take its toll on my body. One weekend I was visiting friends and found it difficult to get up out of a chair. This raised a red flag for me, so I decided to go and see the orthopedic surgeon who previously operated on my hip (broke my hip when I was eleven). He said that the x-rays showed that my hip, due to all of the horse riding and physical work was starting to die and that if I did not change jobs I would soon have to have a hip replacement. This obviously came as a shock for all the obvious reasons, but mostly because I did not know what else I would do for a job. It has taken me years to find this job and therefore I knew that going back to unemployment was not going to be easy for me. The reason for this was the fact that in the year that I finished high school the new ANC government implemented the new law that X amount of black people have to be employed over a white person (affirmative action) which meant that from then on basically a white child who left school could not find work. I eventually walked the streets and each building that I went into told me 'sorry we are not allowed to employ white people'. So, an hour after the doctor gave me the news - I was in tears, because I knew that I was in for yet again a very difficult time. I went back to work and told my boss and basically gave her my one month resignation. I felt a numbness setting in, I did not know what to do and this was the start of a very long depression which stayed with me for many years, especially as I faced the following situations.

About 3 weeks after 'the news' a friend of mine who worked on a farm next to the farm that I managed suggested that we go out clubbing. This was not usually something that we did, but he wanted to get closer to me because he had a romantic interest in me. It was about week before I would leave my job, so we decided to go and have some fun together - him hoping for 'looove' and me just wanting to get out and forget about what I was facing. I mean on the one hand I was relieved, because I was quite fed up with being in a low wage job day in and day out with obviously no real future in sight. So one part of me was glad that I would be leaving, but obviously I knew that this new sense of freedom would require of me to hopefully find a job, so that I will maybe earn a better salary. I hoped that there might be a better future for me - just like everyone else does.

That night I met a guy and basically to cut a long story short - we ended up getting closer  and he helped me to move out and move back in with my mom. From there this relationship developed into mental, physical and emotional abuse - but I did not leave because I did not know where else to go. For many years I stayed in this relationship and endured. What developed in me over those years was the split in positive/negative personalities that I referred to in my previous blog, where I delved deeper and deeper into spirituality, the Ouija board and communicating with demons. This was in a way the only way that I could distance myself from my life, from the fear that I was in, while at the same time channeling my anger.

At the same time 'the boyfriend' made it possible for me to study Kinesiology. This was another factor that caused me to not leave him. I simply kept reminding myself that if I left him, I would have to give up my studies. Therefore - as I mentioned in my previous 2 blogs -I developed a 'new age' light worker type of personality, focusing on helping others, as I more and more related to a life of misery, suppression and compromise. On the other hand I developed a 'darker side (Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering - Yoda) - a coping mechanism to not really have to collapse in a heap, where I could vent and be angry and hate.


More on my path with spirituality and polarity in my next blog...
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Friday, September 19, 2014

Day 156: The Paranormal Series part 17 - Demons vs. Angels part 4

Today's blog is a continuation from:



"In the next part I would like to also address personal experience with regards to what Mykey mentions when he speaks about 'people following the energy' which is why we have 'spirituality' because this definitely related to me as well as the point he speaks about when he says that demons could change their vibrations so that of the same energy as beings that came from 'heaven' - I have an interesting story to share there as well."


So in the previous blog I mentioned that I would like to share my own experiences around 'following the energy' -and by this I am not only referring to the positive 'light worker' type energy, but also the dark demonic energies.


As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I always moved around and within polarities when it came to spirituality - depending on my mind set and what my current economic situation allowed. For example if I was in a stage/state in my life where I was trying to make a life for myself, I would go after the positive energy (which I will speak about more further down). Then as things would crash and I would find myself yet again bored with my life or afraid or angry then I would swing towards the negative. Heck - looking back now - I remember finding a balance between the 2 points and living both - lol. Yes, I would play around on the Ouija Board talking to demons about how bad life is and how everything sucked - while my profession was a Kinesiologist and 'healer'. This obviously happened, as I have come to realize because I was (as most are) in conflict about who I was and how I was living versus what I wanted to be.

So I am now going to take a look back at how I designed these 2 different energy-polarity personalities. My earliest memories of starting an interest in the Paranormal was probably already around the age of 8/9. It started with me watching tv shows like 'Sightings' and 'Ripley's believe it or not' which peaked my interest in the unknown, the bizarre and the unbelievable. From there I started buying books on ghosts and the paranormal and definitely developed a fascination leaning more towards ghosts/poltergeists/demons than UFO's and the rest. I remember the feeling now - it was always in the centre of my chest - this energy which if I could describe it was 'macabre', 'anxious' and 'mysterious'. The anxious energy specifically related to 'the unknown', in dealing with or coming into contact with things 'out there' that were invisible and I did not know when or how it could interact with me. I supposed one could say that those were typical childhood interests in anything that peaked an interest and stimulated the imagination.

I also recognise the energy as being that of 'curiosity' and 'intrigue' - where as a young person my mind was obviously being trained by my parents, society, teachers and my religion to not have and develop common sense or to even really ever know or stand within the truth of things - but to be an observer in life or 'that which gives life meaning' - meaning have you noticed how we as humanity value that which supports the lies we hold onto and therefore if anything is being faced - the mind will have difficulty grasping the straight truth, as it will filter what is happening through how we are programmed to deal with reality? For example (for those of you thinking huh?); as children our parents think we are pretty dam stupid. They tell us bald faced lies about god and money and love and how the system works and about fake human values etc… As a child we often question these values and norms - because as they say 'the mind of a child is innocent' -which essentially means the child has initially not been trained to bring up bulshit filters to filter the truth of situations -and therefore will directly ask questions. The parent/caretaker/adult will mould the perceptual abilities of a child and in some religions and cultures even abuse children verbally, physically and emotionally - until the child beLIEves the same mumbo jumbo as the parent.

This is Brainwashing ladies and gentle man - at its best. And here we tend to vilify groups - where we call them 'cults who brainwash people' - but this is exactly what happens to children in almost every house hold. The child is not born believing in invisible gods and worshiping money over all life - they are taught this by the parents and society. Literally the parent takes a child's fresh, clean, blank mind and washes through it with knowledge and information that have absolutely nothing to do with this physical reality and which harm the physical reality extensively. To give you an example: a child is not born beLIEving that little blond girls are prettier than girls with brown hair - this is brainwashed into children to prepare them, as the adult had to do to become brood-stock to be picked by the strongest man with the most stable income to provide for her so she can make babies (sounds crude but hey when the shoe fits…).


Children are not born believing that an Allah or a Jesus or a Satan sits somewhere above (or below) them watching their every move, punishing them at random times if their bad (or good?) behaviour and removes all responsibility fro them just because 'they worship' and thus allows them to participate in a world where cause and effect is the law, but because of 'beLIEve', cause and effect apparently does not touch the religious . Children are not born believing that animals are there for us (created by the invisible dude in the sky) to do with as we please. I could keep going with examples, but I think you get what I am saying...
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