Day 203: Experiencing Trauma Part 3 | Death

Continuation from:

Day 201: Experiencing Trauma Part 1  |  The Sleepwalker

Day 202: Experiencing Trauma Part 2  | Nervous Breakdown

"Looking back at that whole situation now I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist. I remember for months I was still traumatised by the 'weather' and I remember I would over the weekends refuse to leave the house if the weather looked unstable. If I was sitting in class towards the end of the school day I would simply stare out the window at the clouds. Just watch the clouds like a monster that was slowly, painfully turning from its dark corner to pounce. I would just sit there 'praying' to the skies, to please not storm on my way home. I was petrified that a storm might break out as I was leaving the school and I had to go 'out there' where I had minimal cover while I waited for my buss. "

Note: in relation to this previous comment where I said ' I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist' - in a conversation with my mother yesterday -I was telling her that I was writing blogs about these 'childhood traumas' and asked her why they did not send me to a psychologist. She replied that they did send me to a school councilor for a few sessions and that in the end it was the councilor that said 'in time it will sort itself out' and therefore they sent me to school where the incident with the headmaster happened. So this does not instill me with a lot of confidence when it comes to child psychologists/councilors. Any way moving on -

A few weeks before my eleventh birthday I was sitting in my bedroom one afternoon doing homework and my mom walks into my room. She tells me that my father had a heart attack and is in hospital. We were planning on visiting him that evening but I found myself just getting angry instead of feeling upset or sad. By the time we got to the hospital and my sisters and mother were hugging him and crying I was like a fuming demon lol. I refused to give him a hug and I simply stood just inside the door glaring at him. I was pissed.

The next morning at 3 am my sisters wake me up to tell me that our father had died. He had 2 big heart attacks. So from there on out my experience shifted in various ways. The trauma of knowing my father was going to die had obviously taken an immense toll on my young mind. Now after my fathers death I started considering into my teenage years the reason for his death or at least contributing factors. It turned out that my father (who's heart was obviously quite weak) was under a lot of pressure at work because that morning that he had his heart attack the bank that he worked at - a whole bunch of bank employees were going to be retrenched. My father was the bank manager but did not know himself who would be retrenched and whether his own job was secure (his bank was merging with another bank). By the time he was preparing to go to work he was already having the first heart attack. My sister noticed that he was looking very pale and sweaty and asked him what was wrong, to which he replied 'nothing' and that she must please not say anything to my mother or sisters because they would just get worried. By the time he got to the bank he collapsed.

The reason why I shared this whole story with you is because this information created immense guilt within me towards my father. When I found out that he had the heart attack probably from worrying over potentially losing his job I realized that he was probably concerned for his family - to be able to provide for his wife and 4 daughters. From this I created immense guilt for being the reason why he died. Over the years I also considered that if it was not for our existing money system a man (or woman) would not have to die out of fear that they cannot provide for their family.

So, from there what developed in me was my father's depression - where I basically made the decision to 'take on' my fathers depression in 'honour of him' - yes I know it sounds weird - it so often does when we look back at the things we do and you're like 'what??' But yes I was pining myself to death in his honour - feeling his sadness from his life and my sadness for losing him. A few months after my father's death I started having strange dreams about him. The one was where I would see his coffin inside the crematory. The flames would start up and I would be trapped inside this dream watching at first the coffin then his body starting to burn. I remember inside the dream I would feel the trauma within my mind pulsing inside my mind, something which I consciously knew at all times was there but would never speak about. I was also to embarrassed to speak about it because we all tend to know that death is something that happens and it is something that you are supposed to 'get over'. Therefore, I knew that something was 'off' so to speak about the fact that I had never dealt with my fathers death and that this sadness constantly stayed with me. In the dream it would switch from him in the coffin to me - where for a few second I would be lying in the coffin feeling the heat of the flames increasing around me...

Day 160: The Paranormal Series part 21 - Demons vs. Angels part 8

This blog is a continuation from:

Day 149: The Paranormal Series Part 13 – Demons vs. Angels part 1

Day 152: The Paranormal Series Part 14 – Demons vs. Angels part 2

Day 153: The Paranormal Series part 16 - Demons vs. Angels part 3

Day 156: The Paranormal Series part 17 - Demons vs. Angels part 4

Day 157: The Paranormal Series part 18 - Demons vs. Angels part 5

Day 158: The Paranormal Series part 19 - Demons vs. Angels part 6

Day 160: The Paranormal Series part 21 - Demons vs. Angels part 8

"I felt like I belonged and that I was being given an opportunity to be someone and to empower myself. This is after all what all human beings strive for - self empowerment, self acceptance and to do and be that which one enjoys. So of course I was very much drawn to this new possibility and of course it also meant that I could escape my life as it was at that stage. You have to understand, and I am sure you are able to relate if you look back at your 'teens' - all of us grow up thinking, hoping and believing that we will 'go' somewhere in life, make something of ourselves, maybe even marry 'the love of our lives' and maybe just maybe end up having enough money to live comfortable lives of joy and bliss! I wanted this as much as any other young person who had just left school - therefore, having spent the last year walking the streets looking for a job, being humiliated, worrying about my future and having a  relationship with my mother (with whom I lived) which was deteriorating day by day as she pushed more for me to find a work and me becoming more and more withdrawn and agitated - this obviously, as you can imagine did not paint a very pretty picture. I was being faced with a life that was obviously heading very much into the opposite direction of what everyone hopes and believes they will attain once they leave school and enter into 'adulthood'."

On top of that another dimension that I was facing, was that since my fathers death, which I had taken very hard, I had slowly, as I got older sunk into the same adult depression that he was conflicted with. On the one hand I see that it was genetic, meaning something that I inherited as a personality trait from him and what made it worse was the way that I dealt with his death. Basically when my father died, he died on the day that many of the staff at the bank where he worked were going to be retrenched. Therefore he left for work that morning, fearing just like all the other people, what if it was him that would come home with the bad news.

That morning my father already started getting his heart attack, but even so he did not want to upset his family, because when my older sister noticed at the breakfast table that he was sweaty and pale and she asked him if he was ok, he asked her to please not say anything to the rest of the family and he walked past her and headed out the door. Maybe if he had admitted that he did not feel so good, he would have been taken to a doctor who would have picked up that he was having a heart attack which meant that death could have been prevented. So you see, even then he was trying to protect us, and this really had the opposite effect - because as the years went by I firstly could not deal with my fathers death because of our strained relationship. The reason why my father had a strained relationship with his children was because of his depression, which came from his childhood where he had to face some tough times.

The second reason why I could not deal with my father's death was because I felt guilty, that he had died for a job, a job that he feared losing because obviously he was responsible for us. So the guilt really ate me alive for many years and this pushed me into adult depression myself. I never spoke about how I experienced myself and interestingly, years later when myself and my sisters finally spoke about our strained relationship with our father, each one admitted that they dealt with his death in equally strained ways, and that it always stayed with each one of us that we never had a full relationship with our father - and that because of the strained relationship he had with us, his death was hard for us because the missing aspect of our relationship seemed to be unveiled emotionally when he died. It was not only about realizing that you will no longer have your father in your life, but was also about realizing that we never had a relationship with our father -and therefore you could say this added an additional layer of grief and regret to our experience. I never admitted to them the guilt that I felt over his death and how I was experiencing myself.

Interesting thing is that when I met Bernard and Sunette at their house for the first time, and they showed me how the portal worked, they asked me whom would I like to speak to. Firstly I spoke to Jack my guide and after a while I asked to speak to my father. This was obviously a very emotional point for me, as I could feel all these supressed, buried emotions swelling up in my chest. I had to keep reminding myself to 'not cry' as I was uncomfortable showing my emotions in front of these people I had only just met a few days ago. When my father came through he said to me and explained to the people at the table that I was basically 'following in his footsteps' with the depression and basically killing myself slowly out of remorse. He then looked straight at me and said 'please Andrea, it is not necessary, please live your life, I am fine where I am now and I want you to live a good life. Please stop.' This was a good starting point for me, and I spent many more months with Bernard's support getting through that point.


Therefore when I received this welcoming from J's guides - I decided to follow this positive energy experience. J and I started spending more and more time together and the more I spent time with him, obviously the more irritated my already prone to irritation lol mother became and the more I wanted to avoid her. Obviously this caused me to both stay away more from home and also to focus all of my minds attention on my new found spirituality, to not have to admit that I actually felt afraid, humiliated and 'done in'.