Day 201: Experiencing Trauma Part 1 | The Sleepwalker

The other day I was sitting in on an Eqafe Interview and I could completely relate to what was being discussed.

Releasing Trauma - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Part 54

During the Interview I was looking back at my own experiences around childhood traumas, specifically around the years surrounding my fathers death. I had experiences great difficulty dealing with my fathers death for 2 reasons:

Firstly the fact that I knew he was going to die years before he died - let me explain. My father was a chain smoker. He developed a heart problem which was exacerbated by smoking. After my father had his first heart attack I remember the one day I went with when my father had a doctors appointment. I cannot remember how old I was then, but basically I was asked to sit outside the doctors room and wait while they talked. They left the door slightly ajar probably so that I would still be able to see my parents, not realizing that I could hear their conversation. So basically I heard the doctor tell my father that if he carried on smoking that eventually he would die from another heart attack - his heart was that weak. So as you can 'imagine' what shock this is for a young child to hear.

This became a burden which I carried with me for many many years probably up until the ager of about 28/29 when I was able to work with the information effectively to let it go. So for years I remembered what the doctor said and this settled itself into my mind and body as a perpetual fear that my father could die any day. Of course my father who also had depression, did not seem to concern himself with the doctors warnings and continued to chain smoke, which of course confirmed to me that any minute he was going to die. I don’t know why my father carried on chain smoking the way he did, whether it was because the addiction was to strong or because he did not care. I suspect that it was a combination of both points - meaning he had depression and from my own experience as I am sure other people are able to relate once in a 'depressive mind state' you pretty much become numb to what is happening around you and thus don’t 'care' about your life or even your health. Combine that with an additive personality or an addictive substance such as what most of us have experiences at some point or another and you are bound to end up with creating physical consequences due to the abuse of some form of substance or reckless behaviour.

Over the years my fear of my father dying turned into paranoia. If for example my father would not arrive back from work at a certain time, I would start fearing the worst and imagining (paranoia) all kinds of situations and that any minute we would get a phone call from the hospital. I would spend those evenings sitting near the windows to watch and see when his car would turn into the drive way, and when it did I would obviously feel immense relief. At least he was safe and with me - at least until tomorrow. This went on for years and eventually I started to develop a paranoid personality, where I would fear things like sleeping over at my sisters apartment or going for sleep overs at a friends house. I remember whenever a friend would invite me to a sleep over, I would be struck with anxiety and would try and first make excuses to get out of it. Therefore I rarely slept over and when I did I would often start becoming to paranoid (without understanding what was happening) that I would wait until my friend would fall asleep and then I would go and sit by the window and hope that some how my mom and dad knew that I was frightened and would come and fetch me.

Eventually my paranoia turned into sleep walking, where after an evening of sleeping over at a friends house, my friend would tell me the next morning that they were woken up in the middle of the night to noises coming from the kitchen. There lol they would find me unpacking their kitchen cupboards mumbling to myself. This sleep walking also happened at home where my mom and dad would often find me wandering up and down the passage way and often when they would go to bed they would find me sitting by their bedroom door. I would of course not remember any of this the next morning...

Day 103: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 7

This blog is a continuation from:

Day 102: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 6



Fear-dimension within Social-situations continued:


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fears of social situations into a future social event, thus using a drug, to supersede any fears, reactions, doubts I may have in these stressful situations, to stand in as me as strength and confidence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I will look according to how I dress, my face, body and clothing and according use drugs to forget about my social fears and self judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I will sound once I start communicating in social environments, where I have already created an idea of who I want to sound like and how I should be seen as -to others, therefore knowing that I am not really that person, I now use drugs as an intermediary tool that will support me in becoming someone else, instead of realising that this other person I want to be has nothing to do with me living effectively here in this reality, but rather has to do with supporting my mind in becoming more and more involved in the layers of the ego, where projecting myself as someone else has a higher value than who and what I become as a self honesty living being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear communicating with the other sex, as I either believe I am to good or not good enough, and therefore have created a judgment of myself my mind, which I am now unable or unwilling to overcome as the layers of backchat have already consumed me to such a point - that I am now dependent on a chemical to suppress or bring forward those aspects within me which I want to strengthen or hide.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use pornography as a distraction and illusionary representation of sexuality, which by direct implication has left me unable to understand actual physical intimacy, which results in immense anxiety within me as I now have a database of illusionary, impractical, self-abusive, secret mind images - which cause me when in the presence of the opposite sex to fear sex/intimacy as my point of reference in pornography wass never real or practical.

Thought as picture dimension:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to movie starts, celebrities, etc and in doing so have already compared myself as a picture, an idea of who I wish I could be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare me as a living, breathing being to other in my mind so extensively that the real, physical me, does not in anyway compare to the picture/thought of me in my mind -which creates friction, fear and tension, as I physically react to myself and feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this illusion of what it means to be human, thus setting the precedence for always living in constant friction and fear and never being comfortable in my own skin.

Day 77: International Crime Research: Serial Killers, Mass Murderers and Sociopaths Part 12: Learning to Kill

My Self-Forgiveness will focus on the following Article:


The Qualitative Report Volume 9 Number 2 June 2004: Sipping Coffee with a Serial Killer: On Conducting Life History Interviews with a Criminal Genius

Author: J. C. Oleson


In each blog I will walk self-forgiveness on different parts of the Article, discussing the developmental aspects of somebody who 'learns to kill'.

This blog is a continuation from the previous blog in this series:

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/11/day-75-international-crime-research.html

"As a child, X demonstrated precocious maturation. He spoke, read, and wrote earlier than most children. When he was six, a teacher placed a series of numbers on the classroom chalkboard. X intuitively substituted  letters for the digits, cracked the code, and raised his hand to read the message aloud.  

 Being such a bright boy had earned X the accolades of his teachers, but his precocity also came with a cost. When he was nine, X qualified for a gifted education program. The only boy in his class to qualify,  he clearly remembered the hardship of leaving his peers behind. At once, he was stigmatized for his differences, branded as an outsider (Becker, 1963; Wilson, 1956). His peers immediately began to tease him about his new status, and X began to realize that his prodigious intellectual gifts could also be alienating and isolating (Hollingworth, 1942; Towers, 1990). 

 Hirschi’s control theory provides additional support for the notion of the angelic gifted child: “The academically competent boy is more likely to do well in school and more likely as a result to like school. The boy who likes school is less likely to be delinquent” (1969, p. 115). But by the time he was ten, X had figured out that “being the smart guy was bad.”  Being smart wasn’t smart at all. It meant social isolation and persecution as a nerd or a geek (Richardson, 1993). Accordingly, X cultivated a taste for heavy metal music, began to dress in black t-shirts and blue jeans, and downplayed his intellectual abilities at every available opportunity. Although his parents worried that X might become involved with drugs or delinquency, they remained confident in his values suspecting that it was all merely a phase."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another, who is different from me and through this judgment, compound my backchat into nasty behavior towards that individual.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous of the abilities of another, but instead of facing up to my experience of being 'less than that person', I make it about the other person, by creating rumors and spreading gossip, to the point that others convince themselves equally within the point of jealousy and comparison, to give into the point of bullying.

I commit myself to treat all beings with equality and equal respect as I respect myself, and when and as I find myself experiencing any backchat or thoughts, wants, needs desires towards another person or anything they have or are able to do, I stop, breathe and remind myself that it is not about the other person, and what they have or dont have - it is always about my own inner experience and how I am using the other as a mirror to actually reflect my own self-speak back to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a schooling system, where it has become common place for children to find each other intolerable, as if we have come to believe that we are different, even though we are all actually born equally into a physical body, within a physical reality - where it has only been within and through the Mind as Mind-Possession - where we have collectively as Society created this evil called thinking - where we have created ideas that we are apparently better than others, simply due to the secret nature of how addictive the human really is to energy - where we will allow addictions, in whatever form it may take - while all the time denying the abuse that we cause, and denying that we know that we cause such harm to one another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that I exist within a constant relationship to things and people and within this relationship forming am at all times doing so to appear better than others, whilst creating concept as CONS of better than or not better than - where everybody buys into these lies, because everybody wants to be able to do the same thing, no matter what the expense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be an educator in a system where we allow things like bullying and comparison between children, where I stand as the developer of such a mind, and at no point do I speak up about the fact that the education system, allows for the development of the nasty backchat secret mind of the human, and the only morality that the education system will ever protect - as the real molarity that is protected is anything governed by and for the money system of the word - which if one look at it in absolute self-honesty has become 'god' within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parent to at no point consider tae consequences of blissfully ignoring my role as the parent, and for projecting responsibility for the development of my child onto the schooling system, governments and religions, while they are doing the exact same thing - while we al in self honesty really actually realize that how we exist and the way our children develop into adults, is in no way what is best for man, and that man has in fact become demonic and de-manned - but because survival of the Ego and survival through money has become the one reason why man exists - we in fact not only allow any form of abuse such as childhood bullying, but will even go as far as supporting these actions through how we develop the Ego of the child which is the basis from which the child then functions.

I commit myself to always show that every action and word, is always based in self interest - and that one can always trace the origin and starting point of why we accept and allow abuse in our societies and why we will condemn any person or group, whom suggest self honesty - because as a society we are always faced with the choice to exist as the problem or to solve the problem.