Day 207: Relationship Dynamics | Part 2

Day 206: Relationship Dynamics | Part 1

"This distancing was obviously very difficult on myself, my mother and my sisters, as we all knew that his behaviour was not normal. But 'back in the day' obviously nobody really spoke about what happens behind closed doors, as I am sure we are all able to relate to our own family issues which we remember and we distinctly remember nobody talking about. I remember how tense I would feel around my father, I knew there was a distance between us, an uncomfortability from his side. This I internalised into unconscious and subconscious patterns in relation to my own self worth (being rejected by father meant no self worth) as well as how I picked boyfriends from there on based on these emotionally distant experiences I had with my father. In my next blog I will write about each major relationship and what I realised about my self."

Alright, let's get started. ..

Somewhere through my puberty I developed a fear of boys and a fear of relationships. I realised years later as I assessed 'my past', that the tension and unease that I grew up experiencing around my father, translated into an uneasiness about 'males' and relationships with males. Boy oh boy my first real relationship was a direct reflection of an almost psychotic attempt at understanding and reflecting my perceived relationship with my father. But first more on my school years.

In high school I am able to count on one hand the boys who showed an interest, I was a 'plain girl' although a bit of a class clown (suppose not much has changed there). I remember always being filled with a sense of absolute dread and fear each time these boys would declare their interest in me. It was strange for me at the time, because I remember never being able to see what it was that these boys saw in me and therefore in part, my resistance to saying 'yes' to their requests for a relationship had to do with the feeling of absolute inferiority. I had the opposite view of myself - an absolute general low self esteem that would always speak in my mind telling me the direct opposite of what the boy in front of me was saying. Therefore by the end of the conversation, my mind was always made up - I 'knew' that what he was saying was a lie and that I was being deceived into some pubescent-boy trick. I would always rationalise to myself that the boy was in on some dare with his friends to see how far he could go with me. I would therefore each step of the way be rather dubious about the poor boys words and actions, always explaining to myself in my mind what he was 'really trying to get to'. In this way I was preparing myself to be deceived and where possible to get out of any compromising situation. These 'relationships' usually only lasted a few weeks, as long as my frail nerves could take it and towards the end I was always the one to end it with some well designed lie. Or I would use something the boy said or did as an excuse for why this relationship had to end.

Obviously, as we are all aware in today's age of teenage/adolescent romance - we all know that it is very different to how it was in the 90's. I mean the stories that I have heard of teen sex and parties and drinking, has often left me tongue tied, seeing and realising that teenagers today are basically living out real life porn dramas, with very little self respect towards themselves, their bodies or each other. It is all about the energy behind the ego, about trying to appear cool, to be the next Youtube star, while spitting in the face of what the previous generation considered 'proper' sexual and dating practise. Unfortunately these young people, from my perspective do not see or realise what they are really creating and contributing towards in the word. As we then grow up, we get to a stage where we start reacting to what is happening in the world -as we step out of the adolescent energy possessions and start paying attention to the effects that deliberate "I don’t care attitude' have on society. We move on and have relationships, get married and plan families and then things like the effects f porn in our marriages and society start to hit home. We see woman raped/hurt/abused because of men who are obsessed/possessed with sex and we are faced with the consequences of the last 50/60 years of societal psychological development around sex. BUT when you are a teenager and you want to fit in and be seen as in control and cool and desirable then nothing will stop you from playing all the games at your disposal. I cannot help when I see young people, to wonder what sex system design exists within them - something has been developed over the last generation. When a young man now looks at a woman or young girl, does he see flesh and bone - a human being - or does he see a porn star - a half naked piece of flesh easily transmuted in his mind into the latest mots gruesome sexual position?

Alright lol I did not think 'gee he sees me as a potential sex partner' = because in those days frivolous sex fro the sake of 'saying 'up yours to societal rules' was only for the very brave - the one or two girls or boys in your grade who had a 'reputation'. They were few and far between and shy girls like myself avoided these 'loose cannons.' Even the popular groups in my grade had their levels of 'looseness' lol, so to speak. Today this is a very different story, and I have observed that in schools frivolous sex and sex dynamics amongst youngsters is much more prevalent and exists parallel to eating and shitting.


So for me, it was not so much a fear of a boy trying to have sex with me, lol in those days the concern was more about 'will he try and kiss me'. I remember at parties we would sometimes hear via the grapevine that a boy was kissing one of the more popular loose girls and put his hand 'down there'. This would cause the rest of us to blush and stare at her for the rest of the evening, perplexed and slightly anxious of this 'slutty behaviour' which obviously to the girl and the boys who tried to get 'their hands into her pants' was nothing more than what they did each and every weekend. Therefore for me at that stage even, there was a wide gap between what I was willing to try and what was already a favourite pass time for the 'popular gangs'..

Day 110: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: The Socio-Economic causes of Drug use (Part 14)

This blog is a follow up on:

Day 109: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: The Socio-Economic causes of Drug use (Part 13)



As discussed in my previous blog - when faced with a 'problem' within our society such as drug use - the 'solution' would be to really take a look behind the veil of what is presented as the current solutions - which as we have seen do not really solve anything - to get to the sustainable solutions that will end the problems instead of actually intensifying the exiting problems, into compounded consequences that will drag us head first into an Abyss of human deprivation, suffering and self abuse.


Firstly when addressing the emotion and though aspect of the individuals desire or apparent need to utilise a drug - here one would look at really addressing the 'how' and 'why' of the individuals Personality and Mental make-up. If one look at current Psychology is is designed in line with the survival of the therapist within Capitalism, and therefore therapies are firstly not designed to assist humanity to no longer be dependent on anything - it in fact and this is my second point - profits off of the humans programmed belief that we are emotional, thinking bodies that are in fact dependent on thought processes and that without generating and participating in thoughts, emotions and feelings we would not be 'alive'. So for example if one is facing drug addiction on the basis of being overwhelmed within ones emotional patterns, then Psychology would teach one better ways of balancing and coping with these polarity systems we call emotions and feelings - thus never assisting the individual to release conflicts as we have to generate new feelings to balance out exiting emotions. Where with thought patterns - we have to develop and design new thought patterns to cope with old thought patterns. In discussing how to direct oneself within stopping thoughts and learning to direct ones mind practically to no longer exist in systems of the Mind that function according to attempts at alleviating harmful thoughts - the reaction that one gets when discussing how to stop thoughts - is that of 'oh my god you want me to become a zombie'. No - what is meant by learning to stop the Mind - we are not saying you will no longer live and express yourself - we are in fact saying that the Mind as it exist now as consciousness exists only as energy systems that are dependent on polarities between positives and negatives - which move the being into action - only when and as we are faced with the energy of good and bad attached to things and people. Therefore in essence, the child is taught to become robotic as we give life, people and objects certain values, attach emotions and feelings to those objects/people and only react then for the rest of our lives in certain ways to these objects people and things. For example ironically we are taught to 'Love'. Then we are taught and teach ourselves as we grow up to love certain things and people only. Then we are taught to dislike other things and people - to the extent that we will create belief systems around these people and things - to the extend of harmful thought towards these people and things. For example we will love a partner or child or family member and have these feelings of compassion and love towards them - but feeling nothing or even discontent towards a child halfway across the world who is starving. The fact that the corporations have claimed the resourced of that country and because this child has no way of obtaining a piece of paper called money - which contain the value set by capitalism - that child cannot afford food and will thus die, slowly, painfully, in fear and constant concern for its safety, is irrelevant -because the love feeling does not 'think outside the box' so to speak and does not allow for considerations outside of the basic black and white reasoning we have come to accept as Life and 'Human Value Systems'.

This we call acceptable because nobody loves that child - because it is not my child. So love in this world is conditional to those I want to Love because it makes me feel good. Therefore emotions and feelings if one also look at others examples of how we accept and allow suffering and abuse is a systematised design around the survival of the individual and has no or little regard for life. Again referring back to my previous blog - if Jesus arrived (for real) and asked why we do not love our neighbour or do to others as we want done for ourselves - what would we say 'sorry Jesus I dont like them enough' or 'they are not my family or friends'.

themselves from an energy-reaction based system which keeps all locked in internal

So we have also seen from personal introspection that emotion and feeling systems are taught and conditioned according to self-reward or punishment systems. To learn to direct these energy systems within oneself to a direct living here in the physical - is for most a huge challenge - because since childhood we have been brainwashed to believe that we are our emotions and feelings and thought patterns and to learn to change or direct them and understand them for what they are as systems taught to us from childhood - is for most unfathomable and 'blasphemous'. The energy drops within the individual who considers learning to stop these pre-programmed systems and to live in the physical, constant, free to express self as life. The being goes into anxiety and the Mind will bring up defence systems that generate thoughts which result in the being accepting the thoughts around why to direct or stop these patterns of the mind - is unacceptable.

So within society we see most people addicted to some substance or object or action which allows us to cope with life - be it drugs, sex, entertainment, sport or a life style that allows one to cope with ones internal demons - but most will not face this and wont even admit that this is what we are really doing. We have come to accept our lives as 'screwed' basically and that there is nothing we can do about it and when solutions are presented we will fight to keep things the same, because of the very subtle protection mechanism of consciousness existent within each as excuses, justifications and reasons.

Obviously if one is 'clear-headed' you are able to stand and observe how we live, who we are, what exists within each and what we really look like inside our minds. To do this takes self-honesty and dedication to realize that who remains is me as Life, free to express and live and direct myself as what is best for all. If one fears letting go of fear - then you protect all that is broken about the human and human society - because to step over and beyond the Fear itself has thus far been to much for humanity. So, we even have people who are so fearful of living free from Fear - that they will create Hate Groups and support corporate funded hate groups, consisting of 'trolls' who will go after any person who speaks up about Human-Fear and all its Dimensions and how this is currently the driving force of human existence...



More on Trolls: 

Day 328: Noam Chomsky Quote Experiment on Quora with Anonymous

Day 332: The Ku-Klux Klan on Quora


More on Basic Human Rights and Crime:

Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)

Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

Day 57: Education Fraud Part 18 – Medicalization of the Education System Part 6 - Self Commitment Statements of Parents and Children

This blog is a continuation from: 

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-52-international-crime-research.html

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-53-education-fraud-part-14.html

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-54-education-fraud-part-15.html#

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-55-education-fraud-part-16.html

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-56-education-fraud-part-17.html

I commit myself as parent to develop my child's ability to function and exist within the physical bodies, one and equal to this physical reality, and to stop creating mind-energy patters which outflow into 'conditions' of the mind, which is inflicted upon the child as we abuse the mind-physical relationship - as has so clearly been seen within how many 'conditions' have already been labeled and are labeled on a daily basis.

I commit myself as parent to stop encouraging any and all addictive character/personalities within myself and my child, as I entertain myself through the value system I teach my child as I prepare them to become that part of me I never got to live/express/experience.

I commit myself as parent t observe and adjust the foods and activities that impulse my child to participate in, in realizing that the child most often simply copies behavior that the parent presents and if I educate myself in the functioning of the Body/Physical and what it requires - then I am able to best support my child.

I commit myself as parent to teach my child the value of Life and what the consequences are if we sabotage Life deliberately or by tacit agreement.

I commit myself to teach my child and myself how to build an effective equal and one relationship with this physical reality, so that none are abused or excluded for the benefit of one group.

I commit myself as the child to see, realize and understand my responsibility towards myself, in taking responsibility for what I experience and how I create these experiences

I commit myself as child to understand how this physical reality functions, and how to support myself equal and one to the physical reality, so that my existence here does not abuse other life forms.

I commit myself as child to understand the consequences of my actions, and to not blame energy or the mind, as in the end I am responsible for myself as I am the living word which becomes the living flesh, therefore to stop the cycles of the past generations which is becoming me as a 'condition', I have to take responsibility for stopping the cycles of the past and to purify me as I exist as the layers of the past generations, in what was accepted and allowed then.

I commit myself as parent and child to stop using the justifications of 'well what else can I do' or 'but this is my life', to excuse away the use of medication to avoid understanding how the quantum mind functions as all the previous moments I allowed decisions, which have now become me as the living flesh.

I commit myself as parent and child to stop using pictures, energetic reactions and backchat inner conversations to keep myself trapped in the excuses that justify why I do not need to stop my behaviors and addictions to energy which becomes ADHD and other 'conditions' of the human.

Day 15: International Crime Research - Bi-Polar Disorder and Violent Crimes Part 8

This is a continuation from:


http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-14-international-crime-research-bi.html

Self-Forgiveness part 6


Bipolar Disorder and Family.

Please refer to Day 9: International Crime research - Bi-Polar Disorder and Violent Crimes Part 2  for background information on Family Dynamics and Environmental factors as primary cause for Violent Behavior in people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing family to become the breeding ground for dysfunctional humans.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing family to exist as the platform from which information is passed along from dysfunctional, dishonest humans into our children.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the family environment to contribute to the dysfunctional behaviors of children, without it being questioned and without parents receiving effective education and evaluation before and during the period of raising children – and that myself as a member of society has come to accept the dysfunctional human as natural and acceptable.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the dysfunctional human to exists as a time line of influences based in DNA, environmental factors, ineffective education, ineffective examples as the current human and the contribution of the general mind fucks that mold our children into the adults we see today.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing parenting to exist based on Fear of survival, competition, greed etc. – in which we prepare our children to fight for survival in the system and with each other.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to raise children according to the current human values such as beauty, fame, jealousy, ignorance, blame, addictions, abuse etc.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other parents for fucking up their children, without considering and realizing that unless I am teaching my child in all ways how to act within self responsibility and common sense as what is best for all – and I too force my child to develop its mind according to any form of illusions – then I am also responsible for the world as it is as I am shaping the generations to come and holding the past in place.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the family environment to exist as the place where I teach my children how to exist based on polarities of good and bad, where I take the child from being born into the physical and encourage the child to develop a mind system based on beliefs, backchat, emotions, feelings – until by the age of 4 or 6 the child is already existing purely as a pre-programmed system.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition my children through reward and punishment to believe what I want them to believe and do what I want them to do, simply because this was done to me by my parents and simply because I exist in such fear of the world, that I enforce my fears on my children.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forgot that children can be a fresh start into and as life and instead of me preparing the world to support my child, I mold my child to become a personality that will survive in our current world system, regardless of the fact that I can see how abusive the world has become.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to teach children to attach values to this physical reality, even though I have seen from my own experience the abuse that exists in this world because of the values we have given ideas, beliefs and pictures, in which we honor the mind as energy, with no regard for the abuse that happens as each defends their self-interest.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subject my child to my behaviors and pattern of backchat and dishonesty, without realizing that the child is busy copying my behavior.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing violence, abuse and dishonesty to exist in the family environment, and by doing so I am molding my child from a being born into the physical – to a copy of my behaviors, while I profess that I love my children.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing environmental factors to mold my child into depression, irritability, elated moods and expansiveness, as attempts by the child to either avoid pain, discomfort, punishment, disappointment or as an addiction to the energy system I trained them to become from young. This energy system I developed within my child by attaching energetic reactions to things, places, pictures and people and then training my child to react in similar ways. The child then gives the things, places, pictures and people a value according to how they experience themselves, and then learn to abuse all life in the name of judgment.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my home and family environment to become a breeding ground where I teach my children about conflict because the child observes the parents in conflict over money and their inner battles.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the home environment to be the foundation from which the child learns the behaviors that are eventually diagnosed as Bipolar, while not seeing that the home environment, schools and the environments within the system I accept for my child is directly responsible for who and what my child becomes. Within this I also realize that my DNA was the starting point from which the child came into this life and that if I do not clear myself within who I am – and simply regard myself, my past memories that influence me and my living expression as suitable without really considering what this means - my child will grow up into a dysfunctional being trapped in layers of information from myself and that which I subject them to while in my environment and within society.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the word Love to teach the child how to manipulate others, through feelings and emotions, for their own self-interest.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the word Love with family, in which I teach my child that if they love me they will do as I say and that for me to love them I have to manipulate them into becoming and being the perfect soldier within the system, to protect the family name and to not embarrass the family by doing anything that could be judged by others.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the word family with trust, in which I teach my child that they cannot trust themselves, because they have to trust the parent who is a living copy of their dysfunctional parents and to trust a god who supposedly placed them on this planet to allow and endure suffering without any solutions. Thus, I teach my child to trust abuse and suffering and to trust the family unconditionally, in which the child starts to accept the world system as it is and even starts participate in it willingly as a means of winning in life.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use words and behaviors to manipulate the child into changing themselves to please the parents, whilst not realizing that everything I as the parent believe, think and feel is programmed into me through my parents, the media, myself as my fears and desires.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to teach my children that love is conditional and to only Love those things that bring them personal enjoyment, regardless of the evidence before us that this behavior which all currently practice is having a direct impact on the world, as countless beings are abused daily in the name of profit and personal enjoyment.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to teach my children to seek pleasure in life while avoiding discomfort, which inevitably means that we create a system which is designed around seeking joy to avoid discomfort, regardless of the fact that this directly results in us creating a world where we argue and fight amongst ourselves as we seek enjoyment at the expense of others.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have children regardless of the fact that I am unable to support the child within my environment or financially.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking responsibility for this planet, whilst adding to the population, not realizing that unless I change what is here now, my children will either end up suffering or end up being supported within the Capitalistic System which causes suffering for others.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the family is there to support each other to become the most effective, functional beings on this planet, instead of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become now.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support my family in realizing themselves as Life, but instead I have accepted myself and my family as subject to what has already been accepted about humans as human nature – thus opening the door to allow ourselves to repeat the past while evolving more and more into mind possessed humans.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subject myself and my children to inner experience I feel I have no direction within, instead of walking within common sense application, equal and one to my child to no longer accept and allow inner experience to influence who I am here and who my child becomes.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a world where children and the experience of children, is subject to money.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a world where children become accustoms to having to stake their claim for attention and fame and through this defining themselves according to the mind.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a world and a family system where my children have become accustomed to using depression as a means of manipulating themselves and the world, according to attaining their desires, based on what they see through the media, in comparison to others and where they have placed their self worth according to what others say and think.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the family environment as a teaching ground where I develop the child’s mind into that of a fully functional system, where the child no longer is able to fully express itself without is being locked into a societal value system according to which all function.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop the child’s mind to respond and react to certain stimuli – thus programming my child from the physical into a system, based on various factors such as fear, desire, jealousy, emotions, feelings, self ineptest, survival etc.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate children in such a way that eventually the child only functions according to elated moods to avoid the polarity opposite experience of sadness based of self judgment, taught to them through the adult as the adult attempts to mold the child through rules, values, culture and religion into ‘the perfect human’ as it is currently understood and lived.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design situations within which I place my children, which eventually due to its impact on the child, forces the child into behaviors to align themselves or avoid the point – which then get labeled Bipolar disorder or ADD or ADHD (and various other childhood behavioral problems).



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to observe why my child has a behavioral or mood disorder and the cause of it within SELF-HONESTY, and instead to describe and justify the reason as being ‘some scientific reason’ or ‘gods will’ or ‘an imbalance in the brain’ – instead of deconstructing the disorder/behavior – even as far back as the parental DNA time lines – to find the building blocks as events that have imprinted itself onto the child’s mind – causing the mind to program into itself the living behavioral manifestation of a ‘behavioral problem’. By doing this I am placing the responsibility here with myself as parent and within how I have not effectively cleared my DNA – so that the past stops repeating itself within my child and me.

For further Reading:

Day 18: Day 18: Dementia – The Rotten Child Syndrome



Day 19: Rotten Love



Day 21: Success and Reward



Day 43: Parenting Patterning Fear and Control



Day 46: TRUST ME!

Day 6: Drunk and Horny

Last night after I wrote my previous blog: ‘Day 5 Radical changes made to Rape Laws’ – I had an interesting dream.  I dreamed about a guy I use to know when I was a police reservist. He was married and his wife was pregnant, but he was into messing around with other woman. At quite a few police parties he tried to wangle his way into my pants. After one such evening, where we had a braai (barbeque) at the police station, he got very drunk and attempted the whole evening to get me to go off to some dark corner and have sex with him. I was somewhat intrigued by all the attention he was giving me as he was a very ‘attractive guy’ with a ‘well-built body’. So I played hard to get because I was still a virgin and very shy when it came to guys and also had made the decision that I would not do anything with him because he was married. 

This particular evening the 2 of us were catching a lift with a lady who was off being intimate with someone in a dark corner. It was cold, the party was over and now we were ready to go home. The two of us decided to sit and wait in the car for our lift. After a few minutes he again starts rambling on about how he wants to have sex with me and leans over (we are both sitting in the backseat) to try and kiss me. I stop him and I pull away, realizing that this situation was not to be encouraged and firmly explained to him, again that I was not interested in doing anything with him. 

He drunkly mumbles something else, leans forward and locks the two front doors. Watching him, I cannot quite grasp what it is that he is doing, until he locks his back door and leans across me to lock my door. My brain tells me that something is wrong, but at the same time I try and make light of what I am witnessing and explain it away as ‘he’s probably just playing with me’. He turns and pounces on me, pulling on my shirt with his mouth on mine. I squirm underneath him, realizing due to his intensity that he was being very serious. I struggled with him and found it difficult to say anything as his mouth was kissing mine so hard that he was pushing my head against the seat. He was attempting to undo the buttons on my shirt and alternated between my shirt and my jean buttons.  I am very glad actually that he was so drunk, because I was able eventually to push him off me and yell at him to ‘STOP!’ He sat back in his seat and I sat in mine frozen in disbelief. He stopped any further attempts and I think it was partly due to his inebriation, that he was unable to complete this idea he had to ‘have sex with me’.  After a few more minutes our driver arrives and we go home.

That evening and for a few days afterwards I was in shock. I felt disgusted and uncomfortable within my own sexuality. I was starting to blame and judge myself for having allowed it to ‘go that far’ simply because I allowed him in the past to flirt with me. Being a young woman, I was flattered by the attempts of this man; it made me feel wanted and special. After this event I judged myself for what I had allowed.

It was interesting that I had this dream after I wrote about rape and after applying self-forgiveness for myself from the perspective of accepting and allowing rape in this world.  Therefore I will now expand on the self-forgiveness done in my previous blog with regards to my fear of rape:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the experience I had when I was a young woman where a man attempted to force himself on me sexually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying the word rape and for judging myself by saying I am ‘using such a strong word’ in an attempt to downplay what the man did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be strong and say to myself stop making more out of it than what it was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to now and back then protect the man’s ego, by saying to myself ‘it was just one moment, it was not such a big thing’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to protect my ego by saying to myself ‘don’t speak about it, you’ll just embarrass yourself’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being raped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of flirting with a man.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the actions of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my sexuality, based on the actions of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide away from scenes and stories of rape, because I allow myself to react to the act.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react sexually to images of rape and of woman being overwhelmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse sexuality by allowing myself and others to play sexual games and encourage sexual dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my actions and allowanced for granted and for not taking self-responsibility for what I allowed within myself and within what I was encouraging in another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged myself for not knowing what I was doing and not being aware of the possible consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my sexuality based on not understanding what I was doing and therefore separating myself from my physical body and my sexuality, through fear and judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity within myself based on the desire for a sexual experience and when I have the sexual encounter I program it as disgusting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design sexuality within my mind based on desire and disgust and living this our in repeating patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be programmed by my parents into believing that sex has to happen at certain times, with a certain man, within certain circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design secret mind desires in relation to sex based on the fantasies of rape, dominance and to be desired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire sex and then go into the polarity experience of disgust at self due to past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing past experiences to determine my experiences now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing societal conditions of right and wrong to be the basis from which I have programmed my own sexual behaviors, causing me to judge myself within certain experiences after which I create polarity points between which I bounce from  desire to disgust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself, after what happened, because I believed that I was to blame for what nearly happened because I was flirting – therefore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself after that event to experience desire for flirtation with men but at the same time fearing getting hurt and then not trusting myself because of the fear and inevitably placing myself in compromising positions, fueling the pattern of fear until it because a pattern of self-abuse.

I commit myself to honor myself in all decisions I make, based on self-honesty and practical common sense.

I commit myself to remove and delete all memories, based on ‘remembering what I did right or wrong – through which I keep feeding the patterns of the past.

I commit myself to developing full trust in myself, by clearing the past, clearing my mind and developing self-honesty so that I can trust every word and action.

I commit myself in removing fear from sexual exploration and to trust myself in developing an effective sexual expression, which supports me in my physical and my partner.

I commit myself to honor life, through removing any self-abuse patterns, based on guilting myself or my partner.

I commit myself to develop effective means of communication with my partner so that neither one is ever in a situation of experience discomfort or anxiety within sex.

I commit myself to stop fear and anxiety during sex, within myself by stopping any reactions, memories, thoughts, beliefs and moving myself in self-trust into an effective form of self expression.