"This distancing was obviously very difficult on myself, my mother and my sisters, as we all knew that his behaviour was not normal. But 'back in the day' obviously nobody really spoke about what happens behind closed doors, as I am sure we are all able to relate to our own family issues which we remember and we distinctly remember nobody talking about. I remember how tense I would feel around my father, I knew there was a distance between us, an uncomfortability from his side. This I internalised into unconscious and subconscious patterns in relation to my own self worth (being rejected by father meant no self worth) as well as how I picked boyfriends from there on based on these emotionally distant experiences I had with my father. In my next blog I will write about each major relationship and what I realised about my self."
Alright, let's get started. ..
Somewhere through my puberty I developed a fear of boys and a fear of relationships. I realised years later as I assessed 'my past', that the tension and unease that I grew up experiencing around my father, translated into an uneasiness about 'males' and relationships with males. Boy oh boy my first real relationship was a direct reflection of an almost psychotic attempt at understanding and reflecting my perceived relationship with my father. But first more on my school years.
In high school I am able to count on one hand the boys who showed an interest, I was a 'plain girl' although a bit of a class clown (suppose not much has changed there). I remember always being filled with a sense of absolute dread and fear each time these boys would declare their interest in me. It was strange for me at the time, because I remember never being able to see what it was that these boys saw in me and therefore in part, my resistance to saying 'yes' to their requests for a relationship had to do with the feeling of absolute inferiority. I had the opposite view of myself - an absolute general low self esteem that would always speak in my mind telling me the direct opposite of what the boy in front of me was saying. Therefore by the end of the conversation, my mind was always made up - I 'knew' that what he was saying was a lie and that I was being deceived into some pubescent-boy trick. I would always rationalise to myself that the boy was in on some dare with his friends to see how far he could go with me. I would therefore each step of the way be rather dubious about the poor boys words and actions, always explaining to myself in my mind what he was 'really trying to get to'. In this way I was preparing myself to be deceived and where possible to get out of any compromising situation. These 'relationships' usually only lasted a few weeks, as long as my frail nerves could take it and towards the end I was always the one to end it with some well designed lie. Or I would use something the boy said or did as an excuse for why this relationship had to end.
Obviously, as we are all aware in today's age of teenage/adolescent romance - we all know that it is very different to how it was in the 90's. I mean the stories that I have heard of teen sex and parties and drinking, has often left me tongue tied, seeing and realising that teenagers today are basically living out real life porn dramas, with very little self respect towards themselves, their bodies or each other. It is all about the energy behind the ego, about trying to appear cool, to be the next Youtube star, while spitting in the face of what the previous generation considered 'proper' sexual and dating practise. Unfortunately these young people, from my perspective do not see or realise what they are really creating and contributing towards in the word. As we then grow up, we get to a stage where we start reacting to what is happening in the world -as we step out of the adolescent energy possessions and start paying attention to the effects that deliberate "I don’t care attitude' have on society. We move on and have relationships, get married and plan families and then things like the effects f porn in our marriages and society start to hit home. We see woman raped/hurt/abused because of men who are obsessed/possessed with sex and we are faced with the consequences of the last 50/60 years of societal psychological development around sex. BUT when you are a teenager and you want to fit in and be seen as in control and cool and desirable then nothing will stop you from playing all the games at your disposal. I cannot help when I see young people, to wonder what sex system design exists within them - something has been developed over the last generation. When a young man now looks at a woman or young girl, does he see flesh and bone - a human being - or does he see a porn star - a half naked piece of flesh easily transmuted in his mind into the latest mots gruesome sexual position?
Alright lol I did not think 'gee he sees me as a potential sex partner' = because in those days frivolous sex fro the sake of 'saying 'up yours to societal rules' was only for the very brave - the one or two girls or boys in your grade who had a 'reputation'. They were few and far between and shy girls like myself avoided these 'loose cannons.' Even the popular groups in my grade had their levels of 'looseness' lol, so to speak. Today this is a very different story, and I have observed that in schools frivolous sex and sex dynamics amongst youngsters is much more prevalent and exists parallel to eating and shitting.
So for me, it was not so much a fear of a boy trying to have sex with me, lol in those days the concern was more about 'will he try and kiss me'. I remember at parties we would sometimes hear via the grapevine that a boy was kissing one of the more popular loose girls and put his hand 'down there'. This would cause the rest of us to blush and stare at her for the rest of the evening, perplexed and slightly anxious of this 'slutty behaviour' which obviously to the girl and the boys who tried to get 'their hands into her pants' was nothing more than what they did each and every weekend. Therefore for me at that stage even, there was a wide gap between what I was willing to try and what was already a favourite pass time for the 'popular gangs'..