One thing we can all relate to in some form of another is relationships or some failed attempt at having relationships. Every person has some story even back from when they were in kindergarten about some little boy or girl that they had a brief romantic encounter with. It is such a basic programming point for all of us as we develop into our adult personalities.
Therefore a subject that comes up often for people that I work with is either past relationship issues or current experiences. Whether one declares celibacy or becomes a raging hormonal maniac over the opposite sex - there is always a story and a design behind what and how we choose.
So in these chats/discussions that I have with people I always suggest one key thing that I realised years ago as I was trudging through the thick mud of my own relationship designs. I always suggest to people to use past and current relationships experiences as a learning curve about self, and therefore to not take it personally but to rather sit down, write out the facts and change oneself so that as you move from current experiences into the future, you will be able to 'prepare the way' so to speak, for a potential relationship with another based on an effective relationship with Self. Therefore let ones relationships with others, be it romantic, family or friends show us what exist in our relationships to ourselves. Therefore one is looking at more 'real time' reflection on the outer, to understand the inner.
I decided to place my own understandings about my past relationships onto paper, to reflect for myself on what I have realised and therefore, to share with others who are perhaps facing similar experiences.
My previous blogs on 'Family Dynamics' and 'Experiencing Trauma' would definitely make a good introduction to these blogs, because in those blogs I speak about how I realized my own role in my family dynamics as well as insight into the strained relationship I had with my father.
Therefore to understand the relationship I had with my father will allow us to understand how and why I made the relationship choices I did. It was the relationship with my father that mostly determined the types of relationships I went into... whilst it was the relationship with my mother that mostly molded my character within these relationships intertwined with my own personality designs, which of course determined my reactions and responses to what these representations of my experience with my father did or said (boyfriends).
To recap: if you read my blogs called: Experiencing Trauma, you would have gained a basic insights into my reactions to my fathers death but also some insight into the fact that he had a very strained relationship with my mother, myself and my sisters. My father had adult depression from his own childhood experiences. This resulted in him having children as all adults from the previous generations believed they had to do, but inside of him he did not have the connection to or passion for his children, because obviously his own childhood memories and adult depression caused him to not really 'feel' much for his children. Any person who understands or has experienced depression will realize that depression as the word indicates 'depresses you' - meaning that you withdraw inside yourself and numb yourself towards yourself, your life and others - whether it is a chemical reaction in the body or a mental aspects based on a point one is reacting to within oneself towards your life.
This distancing was obviously very difficult on myself, my mother and my sisters, as we all knew that his behaviour was not normal. But 'back in the day' obviously nobody really spoke about what happens behind closed doors, as I am sure we are all able to relate to our own family issues which we remember and we distinctly remember nobody talking about. I remember how tense I would feel around my father, I knew there was a distance between us, an uncomfortability from his side. This I internalised into unconscious and subconscious patterns in relation to my own self worth (being rejected by father meant no self worth) as well as how I picked boyfriends from there on based on these emotionally distant experiences I had with my father. In my next blog I will write about each major relationship and what I realised about my self.