Monday, March 9, 2015

Day 204: Experiencing Trauma Part 4 | Out of Body Experiences

"So,  from there what developed in me was my father's depression - where I basically made the decision to 'take on' my fathers depression in 'honour of him' - yes I know it sounds weird  - it so often does when we look back at the things we do and you're like 'what??' But yes I was pining myself to death in his honour - feeling his sadness from his life and my sadness for losing him. A few months after my father's death I started having strange dreams about him. The one was where I would see his coffin inside the  crematory. The flames would start up and I would be trapped inside this dream watching at first the coffin then his body starting to burn. I remember inside the dream I would feel the trauma within my mind pulsing inside my mind, something which I consciously knew at all times was there but would never speak about. I was also to embarrassed to speak about it because we all tend to know that death is something that happens and it is something that you are supposed to 'get over'. Therefore, I knew that something was 'off' so to speak about the fact that I had never dealt with my fathers death and that this sadness constantly stayed with me. In the dream it would switch from him in the coffin to me - where for a few second I would be lying in the coffin feeling the  heat of the flames increasing around me…"

From here I started experiencing 'out of body type experiences'. At this point in my life I was maybe 16/17 and had no real reference to what out of body experiences were. I remember I would be drifting off to sleep and next thing I would feel myself pulling away from my body and drifting up towards the ceiling. Then I would find myself in a 'tunnel' - floating upwards. Next thing I am sitting in a white room with my father sitting opposite me. This happened to me twice. The first time only my father spoke, telling me about how he was and about my life etc. It was interesting because I remember I could not speak, did not want to speak, simply sat there listening to him. The second time this happened I could speak and asked him many questions. He tried to explain to me that he was fine and that I must let him go and live my life and that he will always be with me (sounds familiar?). This did not really ease my mind and I held onto these fears, doubts and guilt for some years still.

I remember when I was going through my 'demon possession phase' lol - I constantly felt like my dad was with me, especially in my mothers house I could see him and sense him, but mostly these experiences left me frightened and unsure. Probably because I was at times frightened by this ability that was opening in me to see spirits and combined with this fear of my father being this unexplained traumatic element - left me always wanting to see his spirit but feeling anxious about it at the same time. A part of me feared that he may turn into a demon and hurt me, which I realized later as I started working with understanding how my mind processed this trauma, was simply me focussing all my unresolved feelings about his death into this 'dark entity' which his spirit represented. Therefore whether he was there or not and whether he was reaching out to me or not, the emphasis that I am placing here is the fact that I created a darkness in my mind filled with all my fear and trauma and unresolved questions about his death - all into a dark mass which I projected outward into the realm of ghosts and hauntings. Therefore what was haunting me most of my youth now became something tangible, something which one could read about in books and then say 'yes, I am being haunted by something'. Thus as my attention turned more and more onto 'the paranormal' unfortunately I had this one entity that was my own creation towards my father. It was very assisting for me once I started working with Jack my 'guide' because he stabilised me enough when I would go into fear towards an apparition to understand that I was simply uncertain about what I was facing. For example after connecting with Jack I stopped seeing my father in my old house as Jack would simply stabilise me and explain to me where my fears were coming from.

As you can see my childhood trauma took on a specific outlet with me. For different people the experience and the minds ability to process trauma might be different. Some turn to drugs/alcohol/substance abuse, some experience behavioural and personality changes, some withdraw and go into depression, some as the interview speaks of will have random imaginations playing out around the trauma which the person might take on and start making their own. What I realize about looking back at how I 'did not' cope with the trauma of my fathers death is that it is not necessarily easy for parents to always stabilise children around these sorts of events. I mean I was looking at what my parents could have done differently specifically around the point of my father dying. Would it have helped if they rather closed the door and I had not heard that my father will probably die? Should they have educated me better about what death is? What I do realize though is that there are millions and millions of subtle hidden dimensions that go into every moment for a child's development. I mean here you are seeing just one life affected by specific dimensions that affected each other. Each person has their own experience of 'trauma'. What I have realized over the years is that the mind is very sensitive and very specific and its programing is very intensive if you look at pre-programmed designs, combined with life events and how the child and even adult copes with what we experience and how this shapes 'who we are'. I mean in each of those experiences, as you are able to see my imagination played a big role, my thought patterns exacerbated and contributed immensely to how these problems developed and obviously my feelings and emotions were almost the glue that kept all of these experiences together.

Going back in time and looking at the intricate nature of these experiences which are obviously not unique but still were quite intense for me - I realized over the last few years how our minds are really vast machines that have to process millions and millions of experiences and perception in each moment of each day. We are constantly programming new ideas, responses and characters based on millions of equations. Therefore as 'an adult' I realize the importance for parents to not just treat a child like something they can practise their own beliefs on or something that does not learn directly moment by moment from you as the parent. The child also does not only learn only what you think you are teaching them. They are learning what we are REALLY doing all the time - for example as parents we tend to want to hide and supress our emotional reactions around the child. Sometimes not even very well. So we THINK the child is not noticing that the mother is actually furious with dad over X and dad is frustrated with work and mom is jealous over dad's female work colleagues so she snaps at dad using sarcasm every 2 mins and dad is annoyed with mom because she…… The child is on a quantum mind/quantum physical level picking up on all of these programs - remember the human physical body and mind are programs that read other programs. So obviously a child which especially in its first lets say 7 years are supper fast at quantum programming - will pick up the programs running in its environment and adapt its own personalities around the 'examples' that are being set for it. So for example the 'terrible 2's' are not only a child developing its own little ways of wanting things its way, it is also how the child is mirroring or becoming the underlying emotional reactions and ways of dealing with issues, that the parents are coping with.

At the same time I am not saying that we need to find ways to necessarily protect children from trauma but more the emphasis should be on assisting children and ourselves to not over react to situations. For example if one look at any experience we have had where we felt like it was just to much, where we experience 'trauma'. What one will often find is that most of the time it is because of the emotional reaction we have to the event or person based on the values we attach to what is happening.

To give you an example - what I mean by over reacting in emotions would for example be: somebody says to me hey you have picked up weight. Now depending on the definitions and values I have attached to somebody saying this - will depend on my experience towards what is being said. For example if my self esteem is quite stable and I have not attached much or any value to what it means if someone says this and what it means if I have put one some weight - then I will see this merely as someone pointing out something they have noticed. If however I have all these belief systems about my self worth being attached to what other say about me and about 'fat' or 'weight' then my reactions will be different. I would for example react immediately to what the person says with for example a thought such as 'oh no she noticed', 'oh god this is bad' and a ice cold jolt goes through my stomach and you feel embarrassed and more thoughts come flooding and now you experience self judgment about 'weight' such as 'I don’t look good' and 'she must think I eat a lot' etc etc. From there you experience a spiralling of thoughts, emotions and reactions from a basic comment made by someone irrelevant of their starting point into a self reaction based on what already exist inside of us as 'self-belief'.

So this is an example of where we have made a situation more than what it is simply because of mind-created problems triggered by the words or deeds of another. This is obviously a minor example - but if one go and look at how we handle difficult situations from something small like someone saying 'you have picked up weight' to bigger subjects such as a trauma around someone's death - it helps to support oneself to understand how one is morphing/changing the original event into something more, something that really does not serve us - due to additional mind layers. Mind layers would for example be what I walked in that example - placing ones worth outside of self into 'what other say of me' or giving 'weight/fat' a specific 'bad definition and then taking that personally and becoming that definition. Usually these reactions come from how society views something which we then take on and make our own 'self-belief' systems. Therefore something becomes an emotional-mind trauma as one react to ones own self created belief systems - and we literally get carried away by an emotional experience - which takes one from experiencing something at a more basic level to feeling traumatised or done in or infuriated or insulted etc...

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