This blog is a continuation from:
"The experience one then has towards others is always coming from and based upon a self belief. What I have found very interesting in studying the development of the human psyche, is that family and societal relationships are all based on affirming ones relationships towards others - fascinating. Meaning - where we split the being into self versus others, which obviously then becomes a life long battle of trying to live up to the expectations of others, instead of realizing I AM HERE - meaning here I am in my physical body, I am already complete, therefore how can parts of me be with and from other people? But, again because the capitalists and marketers and psychologists study and formulate information used in consumerism to support consumerism, the truth of I AM HERE, does not get mentioned as a definitive truth, because this would be the entire collapse of the consumerism system as people will stop engaging the outside world for 'self fulfilment' but will express self - which are 2 very different things. Currently the consumerism market exist on the premise of pushing and impulsing humanity to buy as much as possible, in the pursuit for personal happiness and fulfilment. Unfortunately growing up, our parents believed the brainwashing, and raised their children to become energy systems and obviously as all of us get addicted to the energy systems of the mind, it becomes more and more difficult for us to stop and see what we are doing and change…"
In a previous blog I mentioned that after I had found out that I had to leave the horse farm managers job due to an old hip injury, I met a guy and 'feel in love'. And boy did I fall. By the time the emotional/mental abuse started it was already to late. I was financially dependent on him and as I mentioned previously due to the strained relationship I had with my mother and father - I knew only this strange emotionally abusiveness that crept in over time. This was really my first boyfriend, because even in school I only remember having a boyfriend once and it only lasted about a month. So at first this character was very charming and of course said all the right words, that a young woman wants to hear as she steps out into the unknown world of sexuality. He would take me to restaurants and buy me gifts. The day that the first tell tale sign of abuse opened up, I was obviously shocked but assumed that this was something that would not repeat itself, as we were in the early stages of 'commitment' and that his jealousy towards my male friends was a sign that he was falling in love. Mmm, unfortunately as time went by and the abuse escalated to physical abuse, I snapped out of my fairy-tale ideal about what this relationship could be and was now faced with a choice. Either break it off and go at it alone in the system with no real qualifications or endure the abuse so that I could stay at home and be in my little bubble of 'spirituality'.
Obviously looking back now I realise how extensively I feared money and the entire idea of working - to have put myself through that. Anyway, so the reason why I am bringing this in now is to show the development of you could say my 'demonic self'. Because the more I endured the abuse, the more it became me. I am not saying I started abusing others, I am saying that what was already existent in me from childhood as a point of reference and a self belief that allowed me to justify being in such a relationship, became something I integrated into myself, you could say became a choice over other problems as if being abused is an easy option. It obviously hurt like hell to go through the abuse and was terrifying at times, but as I mentioned this in itself became me, a part of me that I accepted. Yet, at the same time this acceptance of the abused - fed into my demonic self even further, where I hated myself and the fact that I had made this choice. Because a part of me screamed at me 'why don’t you get the hell out' - while absolute fear would come over me at the prospect of leaving and having to survive on my own. Therefore not only was I allowing abuse externally, but this in itself caused me to build an absolute hatred towards myself, while at the same time you could say being addicted to living as conflict - which was the pattern that I grew up accepted from childhood. So here as you are able to see - I was creating an absolute demon, that was multi-faceted and as you are able to tell - was feeding itself in a perpetuating cycle - and thus I became more and more 'deadened' to the fact that I was putting myself through this.
I remember reaching a numbness stage, where in-between having to deal with the partner, I would simply sit and either watch tv or play on the ouija board talking to my 'guides' and 'passer-by spirits/demons'. As I mentioned with how J and I used to communicate with 'spirits/demons' on the ouija board, this became an acceptable from of expressing the anger and disappointment that I felt both to myself and to the general situation I was facing, which was the 'world system' and 'the partner'. Obviously in there I also blamed my parents for not having showed me intimacy and nurturing, because I knew that my relationship with them, left me unable to firstly understand what comfortability and trust and 'love' is, let alone how to recognise it. I knew that the 'demon' (I use to call him) partner that I drew to me, was as a result of the relationships I had come to see as 'normal' in my direct family environment. So, again a self-perpetual cycle was what I had created as a result of what I had allowed thus far.
Sitting alone either house sitting or in my own room, I would allow the 'spirits/demons' that came through the ouija board to vent about how bad their lives were, why they died and in most cases why they hated god and 'heaven'. I was sinking further and further into melancholy, because nothing would shake me out of this pit I had dug for myself and in fact my search for spirituality trapped me further and further, because remember I had come from years of 'trusting' my faith, my spirituality. Therefore, when my choices as my consciousness and that which I was not consciously aware of which I called 'spiritual path' - failed me -I justified everything away to it being a difficult spiritual path for me to walk - and so I continued...