This blog is a
continuation from:
"I felt like I belonged and that I was being given an opportunity to be someone and to empower myself. This is after all what all human beings strive for - self empowerment, self acceptance and to do and be that which one enjoys. So of course I was very much drawn to this new possibility and of course it also meant that I could escape my life as it was at that stage. You have to understand, and I am sure you are able to relate if you look back at your 'teens' - all of us grow up thinking, hoping and believing that we will 'go' somewhere in life, make something of ourselves, maybe even marry 'the love of our lives' and maybe just maybe end up having enough money to live comfortable lives of joy and bliss! I wanted this as much as any other young person who had just left school - therefore, having spent the last year walking the streets looking for a job, being humiliated, worrying about my future and having a relationship with my mother (with whom I lived) which was deteriorating day by day as she pushed more for me to find a work and me becoming more and more withdrawn and agitated - this obviously, as you can imagine did not paint a very pretty picture. I was being faced with a life that was obviously heading very much into the opposite direction of what everyone hopes and believes they will attain once they leave school and enter into 'adulthood'."
On top of that another dimension that I was facing, was that since my fathers death, which I had taken very hard, I had slowly, as I got older sunk into the same adult depression that he was conflicted with. On the one hand I see that it was genetic, meaning something that I inherited as a personality trait from him and what made it worse was the way that I dealt with his death. Basically when my father died, he died on the day that many of the staff at the bank where he worked were going to be retrenched. Therefore he left for work that morning, fearing just like all the other people, what if it was him that would come home with the bad news.
That morning my father already started getting his heart attack, but even so he did not want to upset his family, because when my older sister noticed at the breakfast table that he was sweaty and pale and she asked him if he was ok, he asked her to please not say anything to the rest of the family and he walked past her and headed out the door. Maybe if he had admitted that he did not feel so good, he would have been taken to a doctor who would have picked up that he was having a heart attack which meant that death could have been prevented. So you see, even then he was trying to protect us, and this really had the opposite effect - because as the years went by I firstly could not deal with my fathers death because of our strained relationship. The reason why my father had a strained relationship with his children was because of his depression, which came from his childhood where he had to face some tough times.
The second reason why I could not deal with my father's death was because I felt guilty, that he had died for a job, a job that he feared losing because obviously he was responsible for us. So the guilt really ate me alive for many years and this pushed me into adult depression myself. I never spoke about how I experienced myself and interestingly, years later when myself and my sisters finally spoke about our strained relationship with our father, each one admitted that they dealt with his death in equally strained ways, and that it always stayed with each one of us that we never had a full relationship with our father - and that because of the strained relationship he had with us, his death was hard for us because the missing aspect of our relationship seemed to be unveiled emotionally when he died. It was not only about realizing that you will no longer have your father in your life, but was also about realizing that we never had a relationship with our father -and therefore you could say this added an additional layer of grief and regret to our experience. I never admitted to them the guilt that I felt over his death and how I was experiencing myself.
.JPG)
Interesting thing is that when I met Bernard and Sunette at their house for the first time, and they showed me how the portal worked, they asked me whom would I like to speak to. Firstly I spoke to Jack my guide and after a while I asked to speak to my father. This was obviously a very emotional point for me, as I could feel all these supressed, buried emotions swelling up in my chest. I had to keep reminding myself to 'not cry' as I was uncomfortable showing my emotions in front of these people I had only just met a few days ago. When my father came through he said to me and explained to the people at the table that I was basically 'following in his footsteps' with the depression and basically killing myself slowly out of remorse. He then looked straight at me and said 'please Andrea, it is not necessary, please live your life, I am fine where I am now and I want you to live a good life. Please stop.' This was a good starting point for me, and I spent many more months with Bernard's support getting through that point.Therefore when I received this welcoming from J's guides - I decided to follow this positive energy experience. J and I started spending more and more time together and the more I spent time with him, obviously the more irritated my already prone to irritation lol mother became and the more I wanted to avoid her. Obviously this caused me to both stay away more from home and also to focus all of my minds attention on my new found spirituality, to not have to admit that I actually felt afraid, humiliated and 'done in'.
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