Friday, October 31, 2014

Day 167: The Paranormal Series part 28 - Demons vs. Angels part 15

This blog is a continuation from:


"The experience one then has towards others is always coming from and based upon a self belief. What I have found very interesting in studying the development of the human psyche, is that family and societal relationships are all based on affirming ones relationships towards others - fascinating. Meaning - where we split the being into self versus others, which obviously then becomes a life long battle of trying to live up to the expectations of others, instead of realizing I AM HERE - meaning here I am in my physical body, I am already complete, therefore how can parts of me be with and from other people? But, again because the capitalists and marketers and psychologists study and formulate information used in consumerism to support consumerism, the truth of I AM HERE, does not get mentioned as a definitive truth, because this would be the entire collapse of the consumerism system as people will stop engaging the outside world for 'self fulfilment' but will express self - which are 2 very different things. Currently the consumerism market exist on the premise of pushing and impulsing humanity to buy as much as possible, in the pursuit for personal happiness and fulfilment. Unfortunately growing up, our parents believed the brainwashing, and raised their children to become energy systems and obviously as all of us get addicted to the energy systems of the mind, it becomes more and more difficult for us to stop and see what we are doing and change…"

In a previous blog I mentioned that after I had found out that I had to leave the horse farm managers job due to an old hip injury, I met a guy and 'feel in love'. And boy did I fall. By the time the emotional/mental abuse started it was already to late. I was financially dependent on him and as I mentioned previously due to the strained relationship I had with my mother and father - I knew only this strange emotionally abusiveness that crept in over time. This was really my first boyfriend, because even in school I only remember having a boyfriend once and it only lasted about a month. So at first this character was very charming and of course said all the right words, that a young woman wants to hear as she steps out into the unknown world of sexuality. He would take me to restaurants and buy me gifts. The day that the first tell tale sign of abuse opened up, I was obviously shocked but assumed that this was something that would not repeat itself, as we were in the early stages of 'commitment' and that his jealousy towards my male friends was a sign that he was falling in love. Mmm, unfortunately as time went by and the abuse escalated to physical abuse, I snapped out of my fairy-tale ideal about what this relationship could be and was now faced with a choice. Either break it off and go at it alone in the system with no real qualifications or endure the abuse so that I could stay at home and be in my little bubble of 'spirituality'.

Obviously looking back now I realise how extensively I feared money and the entire idea of working - to have put myself through that. Anyway, so the reason why I am bringing this in now is to show the development of you could say my 'demonic self'. Because the more I endured the abuse, the more it became me. I am not saying I started abusing others, I am saying that what was already existent in me from childhood as a point of reference and a self belief that allowed me to justify being in such a relationship, became something I integrated into myself, you could say became a choice over other problems as if being abused is an easy option. It obviously hurt like hell to go through the abuse and was terrifying at times, but as I mentioned this in itself became me, a part of me that I accepted. Yet, at the same time this acceptance of the abused - fed into my demonic self even further, where I hated myself and the fact that I had made this choice. Because a part of me screamed at me 'why don’t you get the hell out' - while absolute fear would come over me at the prospect of leaving and having to survive on my own. Therefore not only was I allowing abuse externally, but this in itself caused me to build an absolute hatred towards myself, while at the same time you could say being addicted to living as conflict - which was the pattern that I grew up accepted from childhood. So here as you are able to see - I was creating an absolute demon, that was multi-faceted and as you are able to tell - was feeding itself in a perpetuating cycle - and thus I became more and more 'deadened' to the fact that I was putting myself through this.

I remember reaching a numbness stage, where in-between having to deal with the partner, I would simply sit and either watch tv or play on the ouija board talking to my 'guides' and 'passer-by spirits/demons'. As I mentioned with how J and I used to communicate with 'spirits/demons' on the ouija board, this became an acceptable from of expressing the anger and disappointment that I felt both to myself and to the general situation I was facing, which was the 'world system' and 'the partner'. Obviously in there I also blamed my parents for not having showed me intimacy and nurturing, because I knew that my relationship with them, left me unable to firstly understand what comfortability and trust and 'love' is, let alone how to recognise it. I knew that the 'demon' (I use to call him) partner that I drew to me, was as a result of the relationships I had come to see as 'normal' in my direct family environment. So, again a self-perpetual cycle was what I had created as a result of what I had allowed thus far.

Sitting alone either house sitting or in my own room, I would allow the 'spirits/demons' that came through the ouija board to vent about how bad their lives were, why they died and in most cases why they hated god and 'heaven'. I was sinking further and further into melancholy, because nothing would shake me out of this pit I had dug for myself and in fact my search for spirituality trapped me further and further, because remember I had come from years of 'trusting' my faith, my spirituality. Therefore, when my choices as my consciousness and that which I was not consciously aware of which I called 'spiritual path' - failed me -I justified everything away to it being a difficult spiritual path for me to walk - and so I continued...
Posted by at 0 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Day 166: The Paranormal Series part 27 - Demons vs. Angels part 14

This blog is a continuation from:



The one things that became more prominent within myself over these years, was as I have mentioned before this false sense of empowerment. I felt strongly that the 'world system' was one tracked, meaning you work (if you are able to find employment), you get a boyfriend or girlfriend, you pay your taxes, you get married and you have kids - and if one did not really have an interest in the mainstream flow of what we would call 'life' - then it becomes very difficult functioning in the world as it exists currently. Therefore as the years went by I retreated more and more into myself, into my belief systems and obviously this resulted in me getting more and more involved in my spiritual beliefs.

Therefore as I mentioned in a previous blog - I developed from there an interest in 'alternative medicines' and specifically after visiting a Kinesiologist, I knew that this is what I wanted to do. Years later of course as I looked back at the factors involved in my decision making, I realized that my 'choices' in wanting to become a 'healer was partly to do with the fact that I had a lot of 'healing' to do myself, because of the fact that my relationship, or shall I say lack of a relationship with both my father and mother left me with low self esteem and low self worth - which is something which one often sees in children, who do not develop or develop 'skewed' relationships with one or both parents. The child, in essence becomes as an adult the direct reflection of how they experienced themselves with their parents, because obviously if a child sees that a parent treats them with slight indifference, then the child accepts this 'verdict' by the parent, of who the child is and will accept this as their own 'identity' or 'self-belief' and will become 'self indifferent'. This self-indifference for example, then branches out into various other 'I am statements' such as I am nothing, or I don’t belong, or I am ugly, or nobody wants me.


The experience one then has towards others is always coming from and based upon a self belief. What I have found very interesting in studying the development of the human psyche, is that family and societal relationships are all based on affirming ones relationships towards others - fascinating. Meaning - where we split the being into self versus others, which obviously then becomes a life long battle of trying to live up to the expectations of others, instead of realizing I AM HERE - meaning here I am in my physical body, I am already complete, therefore how can parts of me be with and from other people? But, again because the capitalists and marketers and psychologists study and formulate information used in consumerism to support consumerism, the truth of I AM HERE, does not get mentioned as a definitive truth, because this would be the entire collapse of the consumerism system as people will stop engaging the outside world for 'self fulfillment' but will express self - which are 2 very different things. Currently the consumerism market exist on the premise of pushing and impulsing humanity to buy as much as possible, in the pursuit for personal happiness and fulfillment. Unfortunately growing up, our parents believed the brainwashing, and raised their children to become energy systems and obviously as all of us get addicted to the energy systems of the mind, it becomes more and more difficult for us to stop and see what we are doing and change...
Posted by at 0 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Day 165: The Paranormal Series part 26 - Demons vs. Angels part 13

This blog is a continuation from:



In my previous blogs that I have done on for example serial killers or rapists or child molesters, I drew a parallel between the 'feeling' systems of these 'criminals' as they became addicted to the 'feelings' that were generated by the mind as they followed through on their actions, to the feeling systems that you and I might participate in - it all comes from the same mind systems, only difference is that a serial killer might not have the morality programming stopping him on acting out his addictions, whereas we do - and thus we act according to the rights and wrongs set out by society. But, the point is that these addictions to our 'feelings' are all from the same mind designs as base framework from which we all make our decisions. So, here one might shout at me and say 'it is just not the same thing dam you!!' Really? Have you paid attention to the slave labour trade where people work in dirty, dangerous factories for minimum wages so that you and I can go to the mall and buy excessively? Have we paid attention to the fact that each time I say to myself 'I just have to have that item' and I go and buy into consumerism, I am buying into a feeling and behind it is an entire industry that abuses people and our natural resources to feed me the end product of a possession? So how is Ted Bundy's Possession different to that of a demon, to that of the rest of humanity who become possessed by and are dictated to 'feelings'? How many people act on anger? How many of us have acted on jealousy? How many of us have acted on feelings that come up inside of us, that lead us to take action, because we believe that these feelings are real? Did Ted Bundy not believe the thoughts and feelings and urges he had were real and thus he allowed himself to follow the possession, because the outcome gave him relief and made him feel good? How many wars are fought over people's feelings? I believe god exists because I get a feeling inside my body that he is with me - therefore I will declare war on other people who 'feel' different Gods'. Mmmm fuzzy logic.

What I have come to realize over the years, as I look back at my Wicca experiences as I do when I really look at all the things I tried to do and attain, was that it was my drive for positive experiences, to feel empowered and for that ultimate desire that exist in each one of us to be a super star in my own life lol. So again, I reiterate, which I know was something that did not come through clearly in my video series, that I am not supporting one religion over another. I am sharing that I realized that all religions and the pursuit to belong to a religion from what I have come to understand, exist as a part of the inherent nature of the human to belong to something, to feel special and to create with ones mind an environment in which one can really create any reality of ones choosing. I mean in ones mind, we can really create any belief system and use small aspects based on reality to confirm that our religious belief is valid. Therefore whether one is a Satanist or Christian, it all comes down to the same factors existent within how one finds a belief system that supports ones personalities.

For example, J and I use to spend so many hours performing magic and 'raising energy'. Raising energy, basically involved us doing specific , you could say a combination between a trance, dance and meditation movements - whereby one harnesses or 'takes in' the energy from earth. Therefore we would either spend long evenings at his house 'raising energy' over candles and music, or we would do this wherever I was house sitting. House-sitting became a little job of mine, which I quite enjoyed, because it meant that I was out from under my moms feet so to speak, while earning a bit of an income, whilst having my own space to do my own things, of which Wicca was of course a large part. Especially considering that J and I would often be on the Ouija Board talking to spirits - this is definitely something that we could not do openly in front of either his parents or my mom, therefore we relished the opportunity to do so in our own 'private space'.

In 'raising energy;' - we were essentially, as the starting point of what we were doing drawing energy from the earth, for us to use in attaining or achieving outcomes that would be in our favour by castings spells and directing the energy into our spells. Therefore you could say we were participating in the same consumerist mind set as any other religion, where one partake in some form of ritual be it by doing your duty and going to church and thus appeasing a god or completing some satanic ritual - where it all came down to us trying to out do and out compete the rest of humanity, by adhering to a spiritual/religious practise which would allow us to get what we wanted in life. So the question I have been asking ever since is whether spirituality and religion in any way actually support the human more than it being another consumerist trap of finding ways to make oneself happy, because in life we just don’t get what we want, because this current money system does not allow for individual freedom of expression and thus religion provides for mystical methods and at most 'hope' through which one can bride and conjure good fortune. This is actually quite sad, if one look at it, because religion and spirituality is portrayed as an essential developmental part of the human, yet if you take a closer look you will find that it is merely about buying ones happiness as a result of our capitalistic system. I spent many hours trying to draw and manifest a better life for myself through my beliefs, my faith and the techniques I used to channel energy into my intentions (magic).
Posted by at 0 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Day 164: The Paranormal Series part 25 - Demons vs. Angels part 12

This blog is a continuation from:



"So, getting back to how J and I started delving more and more into magic: What really got us going the one time, boy oh boy. Ok so J's aunt and cousin were disdained by the fact that he was gay and a wiccan. Where his mom and dad and sister (who all lived together) would be more accepting about his 'ways' - these other family members were not so 'kind'. So, the one day J phones me and says that he had gotten into a huge argument with his aunt and her daughter. He said that they had apparently verbally attacked him about his spirituality and called him a  weirdo and lazy and so forth. That evening I visited him and we decided to 'cast a spell' on them so that the 'harm' they did to him would come back 3 times to them. Two days later they receive a phone call that the aunt and her daughter were driving to town and were in a car accident. So, you can imagine what went through our heads as he shared the news with me. We connected this event to the spell that we had cast, and this confirmed our ability to perform magic…"

As you are able to see from the experienced described above, was that as a young person, I had trouble finding my way, finding my strength and something I could call mine, me, what and how I belong in life. Therefore what J and I did with delving deeper and deeper into magic, was to create for ourselves a sense of self-empowerment. Even if this was merely based on pre-programmed designs connected to my 'life path', which means that certain events were programmed into the unified consciousness field to play out and connect to the life design of people like J and I - meaning witches, wiccans etc. When I say witches and wiccans I am not saying special events programmed in relation to such people only, I am referring to pre-programming as it relates to each and every human and event that has been designed thus far.

Therefore in itself the point that I am making about what I realized about these events, much later on - was that it was not J an I who had actual control over our lives and over this reality, as all people who belong to some religion would have themselves believe. All events that would play out which coincided with our magic spells, were pre-designed to do so. If one doubts what I am saying, all you need to do is ask yourself the question, if each one of has real access to these mysterious forces or religious deities, would we not then be able to change reality as we see fit? Why is it that sometimes things work our way and then the rest of the time they do not?

This was a question that I remember bringing to the attention of these Wiccan 'deities' or gods and goddesses as we called them -especially at a later stage when specific events played out in my life, but the answers, as they always are were very mysterious and deep. It was always explained to me by either J or the so called 'Gods/Godesses that a Wiccan's life is not just about 'getting what you want' and solving all your problems with magic, it is about learning about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses as well as learning to understand and possibly change the problems that exist in the world. Therefore at times they would assist, but if they saw that it was necessary as a 'life lesson' for a wiccan to go through a specific experience or to have to attain something for him/herself - then they would stand back and rather be supportive in strengthening the character and resolve of the particular wiccan, so that they would become crafty at hand and not just by magic. Right…. I am able to see that the response to what I have written here will be 'well then you were not a real wiccan' etc. It is very difficult for people to question their own belief systems, because we have been taught that to make our lives better and to be more and to reach our full potential we have to go out there and find what will allow us to do so. That merely existing in our physical bodies is not enough.


 This is something passed down by our parents and I will refer to it as the celebrity syndrome, where we believe that who we are as the physical body we were born into is surely not enough. Yes, for the mind, it is not enough, because for the mind we need to experience ourselves through energy and this only happens if one accept the energy systems of the mind consciousness system - as 'who we are' - and from there generate more and more mind systems, according to which ones entire identity become dependent on as one 'experiences' oneself through energy experiences such as 'feeling powerful', 'feeling loved', 'feeling spiritual' etc. Each 'feeling that comes up inside us, is an addictive energy experience, just like the feeling that comes with any other addiction such as watching pornography or shopping or talking/gossiping with friends, or how it feels to 'fall in love', or the feeling one gets from having money, how one feels when you win a conversation/debate etc..
Posted by at 0 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Day 163: The Paranormal Series part 24 - Demons vs. Angels part 11

This blog is a continuation from:



"So with all religion one is able to see how and why one walks this religion and wears it like a cloak. What does it do for you? Why do we create this 'cloak' which protects us, hides us, changes us and gives us rules to live by? Why do we externalise ourselves into Religion instead of us being the directive principle? Is it because without religions man would fall apart? Does religion first show us the diversity of the human mind fucks, where as I mentioned previously religion allows the human our self interest, where we create self interest of 'WHAT I WANT' and our religion allows us to explore and justify 'WHAT I WANT' because no one can argue with me if I say that my god wants this or god gave it to me, or 'but the bible tells us so.' I mean golly gosh who is going to argue with a god? So this is our way of justifying how we want to live life and then we throw religion in the face of any person who argues against us. You cant pick a fight with god now can you? (not saying I believe god exists, merely drawing a parallel between the idea of a god exiting in ones mind and what this means in totality for human behaviour). For me it was also a matter of 'feeling loved' through 'belonging' and through the words that came through either in books or on the ouija board.' All of the above where some of my reasons for the religion/belief systems I chose…"


Therefore getting back to the point of people asking the questions about what I say and me using this opportunity to answer those questions. The question I am answering here is continuing from above, where people say 'well you cannot use a Ouija board and be a wiccan.' Really? If one removes your filtering system and the limitations you have set up inside yourself as J and I did - and you change your starting point inside yourself of what you accept and what you don’t - then is that not just the formation of yet again another religion of spiritual practise? I mean J decided when he started playing on the Ouija board and his guides came through to protect him while talking to spirits, that this is a great way of communicating not only with the dead but also with his guides. And as he explained it - his guides saw it as a great method too. Therefore he decided he was not limited by 'how others practise' - and will expand himself within his 'religion' to include that which he sees is useful and fun. Obviously this for him was a matter of trusting his guides and that that they could protect him and he trusted what they told him. This would obviously be different from person to person, where one does not veer away from 'normal practises' if one fears 'what is out here' or you do not trust yourself or your religion enough to step outside the barriers as set by others before you. Therefore, I am showing that all religion and spirituality is simply 'made us stuff' - and sometimes one would get it right and sometimes one would face problems - but is this not how everything we have in our world came into existence - because somebody went out there looking for it, exploring, asking the questions and testing?"


The next type of question that has come up before, is whether I am supporting Wiccanism over other religions? What perhaps did not come through clearly in my previous videos and/or writings, is that the whole reason why I am sharing my past, is to show how I walked a path of self realization. This does not mean that I realized myself in some religion, spiritual context. I realized ME. This means that as I worked more and more with my own mind and 'how the human mind functions' and it was shown to me how I have made the decisions I have made thus far - I realized that religion and belief systems specifically only exist in the mind and even though aspects of it are based on reality, still the fact remains that religion and spirituality are constructs that support the mind of the individual, meaning the thoughts that move in your head only - that little bubble on the top of our necks where the brain is - that is where thinking happens - and that is where belief systems and religion are created and participated in.



Therefore what we believe exists out there as reality, are merely in fact only in the bubble of our minds. And the mere fact that one 'believes in something' indicates that there is no physical actual basis to what one is saying, and that one admittedly is saying I believe in information that is found in books and in the minds of others and in my mind and because I don’t know how things work physically and I have no control over the physical - I have to exist in my mind as 'beliefs'. For example I am able to hold a coffee cup in my hand therefore I did not have to believe in coffee cups. Religion takes a few physical events and actualities and combines it with belief, which is information made up in the mind about how things are and how things work. And this is of course where things get very dangerous and very delusional - because we fight wars, hurt each other, our children, ourselves and the animal/nature kingdom because of beliefs. Ouchie.

So, getting back to how J and I started delving more and more into magic: What really got us going the one time, boy oh boy. Ok so J's aunt and cousin were disdained by the fact that he was gay and a wiccan. Where his mom and dad and sister (who all lived together) would be more accepting about his 'ways' - these other family members were not so 'kind'. So, the one day J phones me and says that he had gotten into a huge argument with his aunt and her daughter. He said that they had apparently verbally attacked him about his spirituality and called him a weirdo and lazy and so forth. That evening I visited him and we decided to 'cast a spell' on them so that the 'harm' they did to him would come back 3 times to them. Two days later they receive a phone call that the aunt and her daughter were driving to town and were in a car accident. So, you can imagine what went through our heads as he shared the news with me. We connected this event to the spell that we had cast, and this confirmed our ability to perform magic...
Posted by at 0 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Day 162: The Paranormal Series part 23 - Demons vs. Angels part 10

This blog is a continuation from:



"So both J and myself would confide in each other when we had arguments with family and from there our magic started developing from 'white magic' which as I explained above as the 'innocent' type of spell casting, to 'grey magic' where we would cast spells to 'bounce' what people did, back to them. LOL. Anyways so basically this meant that if somebody was mean to us or would try and hurt us etc, we would cast a spell so that whatever they did to us would go back to them 3 TIMES!! As I said, looking back now I can giggle about these things, because seriously it shows me, how religion shows firstly how effective the human imagination is in created our own self interest, but to also be able to live out and express all the nasty, thoughts and emotions that we have towards each other and ourselves, while supressing our fears of each other, but under the guise of 'spirituality, or 'religion'. Makes it all sound so plausible and innocent when you are getting away with all kinds of shit in your mind towards yourself and others…"


Artwork: https://www.facebook.com/marlen.delrazo
In the past I received many emails and comments on the videos I did about my Wiccan and Demon Possession experiences - where people misunderstood many of the things I explained. So perhaps I will address those questions here, because I see how sometimes speaking directly about my past and what I have come to realize about it - from a 'direct' translation' perspective creates confusion in some people - where for example due to again the 'filtering system' of the mind, where a person will directly equate what one says to their own point of reference - people will misinterpret what I am saying based on their point of reference. So now after writing about my experiences both in the book that I did (part 1) and doing the videos - I will explore new dimensions of those experiences in this blog - using the opportunity to slow down more and to consider the questions people have had about why I say what I say.



Artwork: https://www.facebook.com/marlen.delrazo

For example people responded to my video series where I explained that I was a wican AND used the Ouija Board to communicate with my guides and spirits, by saying that this could not be 'true wiccanism' if I used a Ouija Board. So I will use this opportunity to refer us back to the 'filtering system' that I wrote about back in a previous blog - where to make an assessment and comparison between one person's beliefs and practices to ones own practices -only happens if one has set in stone how you believe reality works and that your way of doing it is the correct way. This will be where we again just like our parents and grandparents, who insisted that their ways and religions and governments are 'the law' - are creating belief systems within ourselves of 'how things work' - whereby we filter what others do through our belief systems and will either respond 'yes that is acceptance or correct' or 'no you are wrong!'.

What I have realized over the years is that none of us really understands how reality works - is that not so? I mean for a moment consider how each one of us came to accept the religions that we did. For example for most, religion is either something that was passed down or 'forced' down by your parents and family or your religion became something you found on your own terms, by comparing what 'feels right' to you about yourself and life, and thus as the example that I gave about Wiccanism, it is something that 'resonated' with me. What this means is that ones pre-programmed personality designs are resonating with those aspects within the religion which would be amplified or supressed by the religion of choice. Thus indicating that firstly religion is not really a choice, because it is something that is mostly 'passed down', and if one note back to the creation of religion, you will see how and why at the time religion as control systems were implemented. Secondly if one is 'choosing' a religion according to what 'resonated with you' this as I found merely indicated to me what was suited to my personality. And within this what I realized about myself through the religion that I chose was invaluable.

Therefore, one is able to learn a lot about where one is not fully taking responsibility for oneself, by the religion that we 'choose'. For example in religion what I found is that it gave me something outside of myself to live for - instead of living for myself and sorting out my own mind and my own life. Religion gave me strength in the belief that deities and energies and cosmic forces were 'looking out for me' and 'changing my life' instead of me being my own strength, my own guide and changing myself so that I could life a productive life. Religion gave me morality rules and concepts to follow - which were mostly based on make believe, but again this gives the mind something to focus on, where I 'felt good' about the life I was living and about my 'standing' - instead of realizing that I was attaching 'who I am' and 'what I do' and 'how I live' to a feeling, instead of just living here in this physical body, in this physical reality. Another example is that religion gave me a scape goat - if I did something wrong I could explain it away to some dark energy or a plan that coincided with some god or a cosmic journey, while on the other side of the coin, asking forgiveness from some god or a cosmic force - without realising that in 'asking for forgiveness'; to another or even some invisible made up being, I was abdicating self responsibility, and therefore not changing my behaviour and being the responsible factor that is actually doing 'the living'.

So with all religion one is able to see how and why one walks this religion and wears it like a cloak. What does it do for you? Why do we create this 'cloak' which protects us, hides us, changes us and gives us rules to live by? Why do we externalise ourselves into Religion instead of us being the directive principle? Is it because without religions man would fall apart? Does religion first show us the diversity of the human mind fucks, where as I mentioned previously religion allows the human our self interest, where we create self interest of 'WHAT I WANT' and our religion allows us to explore and justify 'WHAT I WANT' because no one can argue with me if I say that my god wants this or god gave it to me, or 'but the bible tells us so.' I mean golly gosh who is going to argue with a god? So this is our way of justifying how we want to live life and then we throw religion in the face of any person who argues against us. You cant pick a fight with god now can you? (not saying I believe god exists, merely drawing a parallel between the idea of a god exiting in ones mind and what this means in totality for human behaviour). For me it was also a matter of 'feeling loved' through 'belonging' and through the words that came through either in books or on the ouija board.' All of the above where some of my reasons for the religion/belief systems I chose...
Posted by at 0 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Day 161: The Paranormal Series part 22 - Demons vs. Angels part 9


This blog is a continuation from:


"Therefore when I received this welcoming from J's guides - I decided to follow this positive energy experience. J and I started spending more and more time together and the more I spent time with him, obviously the more irritated my already prone to irritation lol mother became and the more I wanted to avoid her. Obviously this caused me to both stay away more from home and also to focus all of my minds attention on my new found spirituality, to not have to admit that I actually felt afraid, humiliated and 'done in'."

From there J started introducing me more and more to magic and spell casting. We started out with the more innocent types of spell casting (white magic), where for example one would cast spells for good fortune, love, money, protection etc. But as time went by lol, we progressed more and more into 'the dark side' Ok it was not that serious - get the picture of dead cats and sacrificed babies out of your head. Basically how it all started was as follows: both J and I were living with our parents. He was diagnosed years before with depression due to a chemical imbalance and was medically excused from having to work in the system. He had spent a month or so in a psychiatric hospital when this chemical imbalance was detected, and was then released as an 'out patient', where the condition was that he would come back every 2 weeks to see a psychologist and stay on his medication. His parents initially were ok with this, but as time went by they obviously started resenting the fact that he slouched around the house al day, doing minimal work and blatantly would brag at any opportunity he could get, especially to any Christian visitor how he was a wiccan and had guides etc etc.

So being a Christian family - they firstly tried to accommodate his religion, but obviously there were certain points where the 2 belief systems would clash and J would meet them head on with a 'don’t you speak to me like that' attitude and then the parents would get angry and so forth. So what I picked up from the word go was that his parents had a tolerance level which J would at times step over deliberately, in an attempt as he would explain it to me, to show Christians that Wiccans also deserve the same respect and opportunities to express themselves, which Christians had been give unconditionally, due to Christianity becoming the standardised religion in many parts of the world and especially South Africa since 'back in the day'. To top that off J was gay and not just gay, he would flaaaunt it. He had long blond hair and was quite feminine, sooo if you add that to the fact that he would push any christian's buttons with his 'I am a witch' talk - and obviously you would end up from time to time, with friction developing in their house.

So both J and myself would confide in each other when we had arguments with family and from there our magic started developing from 'white magic' which as I explained above as the 'innocent'
type of spell casting, to 'grey magic' where we would cast spells to 'bounce' what people did, back to them. LOL. Anyways so basically this meant that if somebody was mean to us or would try and hurt us etc, we would cast a spell so that whatever they did to us would go back to them 3 TIMES!! As I said, looking back now I can giggle about these things, because seriously it shows me, how religion shows firstly how effective the human imagination is in created our own self interest, but to also be able to live out and express all the nasty, thoughts and emotions that we have towards each other and ourselves, while supressing our fears of each other, but under the guise of 'spirituality, or 'religion'. Makes it all sound so plausible and innocent when you are getting away with all kinds of shit in your mind towards yourself and others...
Posted by at 0 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Friday, October 3, 2014

Day 160: The Paranormal Series part 21 - Demons vs. Angels part 8

This blog is a continuation from:



"I felt like I belonged and that I was being given an opportunity to be someone and to empower myself. This is after all what all human beings strive for - self empowerment, self acceptance and to do and be that which one enjoys. So of course I was very much drawn to this new possibility and of course it also meant that I could escape my life as it was at that stage. You have to understand, and I am sure you are able to relate if you look back at your 'teens' - all of us grow up thinking, hoping and believing that we will 'go' somewhere in life, make something of ourselves, maybe even marry 'the love of our lives' and maybe just maybe end up having enough money to live comfortable lives of joy and bliss! I wanted this as much as any other young person who had just left school - therefore, having spent the last year walking the streets looking for a job, being humiliated, worrying about my future and having a  relationship with my mother (with whom I lived) which was deteriorating day by day as she pushed more for me to find a work and me becoming more and more withdrawn and agitated - this obviously, as you can imagine did not paint a very pretty picture. I was being faced with a life that was obviously heading very much into the opposite direction of what everyone hopes and believes they will attain once they leave school and enter into 'adulthood'."

On top of that another dimension that I was facing, was that since my fathers death, which I had taken very hard, I had slowly, as I got older sunk into the same adult depression that he was conflicted with. On the one hand I see that it was genetic, meaning something that I inherited as a personality trait from him and what made it worse was the way that I dealt with his death. Basically when my father died, he died on the day that many of the staff at the bank where he worked were going to be retrenched. Therefore he left for work that morning, fearing just like all the other people, what if it was him that would come home with the bad news.

That morning my father already started getting his heart attack, but even so he did not want to upset his family, because when my older sister noticed at the breakfast table that he was sweaty and pale and she asked him if he was ok, he asked her to please not say anything to the rest of the family and he walked past her and headed out the door. Maybe if he had admitted that he did not feel so good, he would have been taken to a doctor who would have picked up that he was having a heart attack which meant that death could have been prevented. So you see, even then he was trying to protect us, and this really had the opposite effect - because as the years went by I firstly could not deal with my fathers death because of our strained relationship. The reason why my father had a strained relationship with his children was because of his depression, which came from his childhood where he had to face some tough times.

The second reason why I could not deal with my father's death was because I felt guilty, that he had died for a job, a job that he feared losing because obviously he was responsible for us. So the guilt really ate me alive for many years and this pushed me into adult depression myself. I never spoke about how I experienced myself and interestingly, years later when myself and my sisters finally spoke about our strained relationship with our father, each one admitted that they dealt with his death in equally strained ways, and that it always stayed with each one of us that we never had a full relationship with our father - and that because of the strained relationship he had with us, his death was hard for us because the missing aspect of our relationship seemed to be unveiled emotionally when he died. It was not only about realizing that you will no longer have your father in your life, but was also about realizing that we never had a relationship with our father -and therefore you could say this added an additional layer of grief and regret to our experience. I never admitted to them the guilt that I felt over his death and how I was experiencing myself.

Interesting thing is that when I met Bernard and Sunette at their house for the first time, and they showed me how the portal worked, they asked me whom would I like to speak to. Firstly I spoke to Jack my guide and after a while I asked to speak to my father. This was obviously a very emotional point for me, as I could feel all these supressed, buried emotions swelling up in my chest. I had to keep reminding myself to 'not cry' as I was uncomfortable showing my emotions in front of these people I had only just met a few days ago. When my father came through he said to me and explained to the people at the table that I was basically 'following in his footsteps' with the depression and basically killing myself slowly out of remorse. He then looked straight at me and said 'please Andrea, it is not necessary, please live your life, I am fine where I am now and I want you to live a good life. Please stop.' This was a good starting point for me, and I spent many more months with Bernard's support getting through that point.


Therefore when I received this welcoming from J's guides - I decided to follow this positive energy experience. J and I started spending more and more time together and the more I spent time with him, obviously the more irritated my already prone to irritation lol mother became and the more I wanted to avoid her. Obviously this caused me to both stay away more from home and also to focus all of my minds attention on my new found spirituality, to not have to admit that I actually felt afraid, humiliated and 'done in'.
Posted by at 0 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Day 159: The Paranormal Series part 20 - Demons vs. Angels part 7

This blog is a continuation from:



"At the same time 'the boyfriend' made it possible for me to study Kinesiology. This was another factor that caused me to not leave him. I simply kept reminding myself that if I left him, I would have to give up my studies. Therefore - as I mentioned in my previous 2 blogs -I developed a 'new age' light worker type of personality, focusing on helping others, as I more and more related to a life of misery, suppression and compromise. On the other hand I developed a 'darker side (Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering - Yoda) - a coping mechanism to not really have to collapse in a heap, where I could vent and be angry and hate."

At the same time what had started developing in me was an increased fascination with 'the dead'. As I mentioned in the video series and book that I did on my 'demon possession experience' this all started around the age of 19. I went to a friends house for his birthday party. There I met another friend of his, whom was a Wiccan. I found this very interesting of course, due to the fact that I was always reading about the paranormal and alternative types of beliefs and happening in the world. So, I spent quite a while asking him questions about how his belief worked and of course when he mentioned that he was into communicating with his guides and other spirits on the Ouija board, that really peaked my interest. He invited me to come round to his house sometime and visit him, so that I could see how he plays on the Ouija Board and then he could also explain more to me about his spirituality. We didn’t want to continue talking to much about it, as we could see some people around the table looked a bit uncomfortable.

I decided to take him up on his offer and I contacted him a few days later. At this stage of my life I was unemployed, frustrated and did not know what I would do with my life. I had studied horsemanship after school, but could not find a job working with horses that I would enjoy and as I mentioned in my previous blog I could not find a permanent 'system' job due to affirmative action. Therefore only occasionally would I find a temping job that would last a week to a month, but generally I sat at home and entertained myself with my books. Therefore meeting this interesting character, with his interesting ways, gave me something new to focus on and to divert my attention from my own life.

The first day I visited him he showed me how he used the Ouija board. Looking back now and knowing what I know now about demons and what use to be 'ghosts' I have to giggle - but we will get to 'why' later on. When we got onto the Ouija board he introduced me to his 'spirit guides' - Isis, Thor, Diana etc, whom were all Wiccan guides/deities, as he explained it to me. Lol they explained to me that I was to a 'natural witch' and that it was no coincidence that I met this new friend of mine. This was very exiting for both J (we shall call him) and myself. I felt wanted and appreciated. They told me more about magic and about themselves and a part of me was slightly anxious, because reading about 'ghosts' is one thing but actually communicating with them was completely new to me - therefore I did not really fully know what to make of this new experience. But, I would definitely say that I was leaning towards a bit of excitement at this new prospect of this entire new realm that I was now being given insight into.

The next day J phoned me and asked me if I enjoyed my visit. I told him that I did and that I have been thinking about everything that he had told me about his spirituality and the guides and that I really enjoyed 'how it all sounded' - one could say that it 'resonated' with me. I explained that the principles of Wicca made sense to me. He told me that after he dropped me at home he went back onto the Ouija board and asked the spirit guides what they thought of me and so forth, and they told him that if I wanted to join him and them, that they would be my guides as well. After he explained this to me I felt this particular energy rise up into my chest - which one could in a nut shell call 'belonging', fulfilment, 'acceptance' and dare I say 'empowerment'. Probably here for the first time in my life I was not afraid, I was not subject to a persons anger, or their sadness such as I grew up with around my father whom had adult depression.

I felt like I belonged and that I was being given an opportunity to be someone and to empower myself. This is after all what all human beings strive for - self empowerment, self acceptance and to do and be that which one enjoys. So of course I was very much drawn to this new possibility and of course it also meant that I could escape my life as it was at that stage. You have to understand, and I am sure you are able to relate if you look back at your 'teens' - all of us grow up thinking, hoping and believing that we will 'go' somewhere in life, make something of ourselves, maybe even marry 'the love of our lives' and maybe just maybe end up having enough money to live comfortable lives of joy and bliss! I wanted this as much as any other young person who had just left school - therefore, having spent the last year walking the streets looking for a job, being humiliated, worrying about my future and having a relationship with my mother (with whom I lived) which was deteriorating day by day as she pushed more for me to find a work and me becoming more and more withdrawn and agitated - this obviously, as you can imagine did not paint a very pretty picture. I was being faced with a life that was obviously heading very much into the opposite direction of what everyone hopes and believes they will attain once they leave school and enter into 'adulthood'...
Posted by at 0 comments
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

ShareThis