This is a continuation from:
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-34-international-crime-research.html
Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.
To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.
“When I was offered a job in another city she cried and said that she could not leave her family, whom she was very close to -so we stayed. I became increasingly irritated with her from that point on and started seeing her for what she was – a weak minded girl who was to afraid to be away from her family even though she was now married. My resentment turned into spitefulness – she wanted to try for a baby – and I said ‘ I was not ready’. This went of for two more years as I continued to lie about why we could not yet have a baby – she was suffocating me by restricting my choices in life I would do the same to her. We started fighting about everything – money, family, friends, babies, and careers – eventually we both acted from spitefulness whenever we had a chance. I noticed in our arguments that her family must have been fueling her resentment towards me for not ‘being ready’ to have a baby – as she would let slip ‘well you know my sister thinks that…’ This fueled my resentment as I made a decision one day to just ‘ignore the bitch’.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a relationship, which becomes about conflict, resentment and blame.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self-responsibility for who I had become in relation to my relationship and what I was accepting and allowing to unfold within myself and the relationship.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize my self responsibility on how to walk through these points, what to apply within myself and when to stop the relationship as soon as both beings accepted ourselves as the results of the relationship, instead of remaining directive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop my participation in blaming, resentment and conflict – where instead of stopping the game this relationship had become – I gave my power away to the entire concept of ‘staying together for the sake of relationships’ – and therefore compounding the anger and resentment into a possession.
“We started leading separate lives – she spent most of her time with her family and I spent all my time on the Internet surfing gaming sites and utilizing porn as a substitute for my wife. I would use porn extensively to masturbate while Lucinda was visiting her family. Sex obviously became a massive problem – as I knew that she was trying for a baby and I did not want to start a family with this woman. I worked in a dead end job for a basic salary, where as all the jobs I could apply for, I could not, as I knew she would not be willing to move away. Each time we discussed potential job opportunities she would start crying about me not loving her and her sick father needing her and blah, blah, blah…”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately become resentful in my words and actions, due to how I was experiencing myself within the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of how I hated my partner or how immature I saw her/him, and from this used thoughts to fuel my anger – where I would find ways of acting out against her and the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to these thoughts through anger, spite, rage, resentment, until I experienced a physical reaction as I started changing me in my behavior, the way I talked, walked and physically carried myself when around the other person and when thinking of the person – therefore locking into my physical body this pattern consisting of the original picture, the backchat thoughts and reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use pornography as a means (after thinking about it) of excluding my wife and being spiteful by masturbating to pictures of other woman.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through the picture I held of blaming my wife to the thoughts around wanting to spite her, to use hard porn as a means of satisfying this new need to hurt others and to derive pleasure from feeling sexually gratified through seeing sexual submission, control and pain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop this pattern as character of ‘hard porn’ watcher as I accumulated all my backchat and the energy I experienced from this pattern into and as the experience of watching this porn, as it became the only way I could experience revenge towards my partner and woman in general.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch illegal porn due to my belief (during the thought creation phase) that I was in control of what and who I could harm or enjoy in my masturbation fantasies – as a means of striking out at the world and my partner, whom I blamed for my inner experience and character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch child porn because I gave up within myself and blamed the ‘lack of morality’ of another as to why I will now ‘punish others/the world’ by being ‘immoral’ and acting in ways that I knew would harm others or the morality of others and through this morality game ensure that I become the powerful one by showing all through my secret acts that I am powerful/in control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind these multiple layers as my reactions to experiences in my life, and through this layering of thoughts, backchat conversations and decisions I made, to make a decision directed by my possession – to find sexual gratification in watching child pornography.
I now see, realize and understand that the decision to watch child pornography had many hidden dimensions to it, all accumulated decisions which fueled further decisions into who I became as child molester – as a character in which I in the end, ultimately used for self-importance, self-gratification, self-empowerment and through many, many dimensions ultimately concocted the belief and idea within myself to achieve sexual gratification as I had labeled it within my Psyche to ‘sex with the young/minors/the innocent/children’.
I commit myself to show tat as we design ourselves as conditions, characters, personalities, offenders – all ways of being as humans – there are solutions to understanding the multidimensional aspects by getting to know oneself and your past.
I commit myself to walk the path of self-forgiveness as I have seen how this has supported me through experiences I ‘thought’ I could never change – and through walking self forgiveness as a solution for what I faced I have proven that it is a solution to for all. Obviously within this we are to take into consideration the entire design of the being, and from there assess how to best support the individual. In an Equal Money System for example, we will not be limited by money to be able to present solutions based on effective clear research. In an Equal Money System, we will effectively get to the bottom of the human and how we have programmed ourselves as there will be no limitation financially or politically to what we can do and that will influence the outcome.
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