This is a continuation from:
Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.
To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.
Pedophile Character: Man who watches child porn as a substitute for women/men
“ Growing up I had difficulty around woman, I always found myself from about the age of 11 onwards, to be aware that girls are different to boys and from what I had read and been told by my older brother – apparently girls would one day be a very important part of my life. Becoming a teenager, I brought with me the memory of pictures I had seen in porn magazines and ‘adult education’ books – where a man meets a woman, takes her to dinner and bangs her brains out. According to romantic novels he might later on marry her.
When I reached pubescence I developed acne and no matter what creams my mother bought me, I would always have red marks and pimples on my face. By the age of 15, I knew that I was interested in girls and like most boys my age developed masturbation fantasies around girls in my school. I remember the one day I was sitting in class and I heard the girls sitting at the table behind me, talking about me. Shelly was asking Valerie whom she was going to invite to her birthday party. Shelly would mention people in the class’ names and Valerie would respond with a ‘yes’, ‘no’ or some personal insult to clarify her discontent towards that boy or girls and the reason why they definitely would not be invited to her birthday party. I was following their conversation, because I was intrigued to know whether I would be invited to this party. The only other parties I had been to were that of my guys friends and I had never been invited by a girl to one of their birthday parties. That seemed like something that was reserved for the semi popular/cool or attractive guys. The nerd were only invited by other nerds and nobody paid any attention to who was being invited to their parties. This in itself caused a tingle in my belly, as I knew that being invited to Valerie’s party would mean the beginning of this phase where we now start treating each other in different context’s then mere ‘children’. As Shelly whispered my name my stomach tightened and I unconsciously held my breath. From all the nasty comments I heard Valerie make about some of the other boys and girls, I couldn’t help but wish that she would magically see me as someone cool enough to get invited to her shindig. Shelly whispered my name and Valerie’s response was ‘gross’. Shelly spurted out a short giggle and both girls tried to suppress their laughter into their hands before they continued onto the next unsuspecting victim. An ice-cold rod shot up my spine into my neck and face and a cold flash crept its way into my belly – as my worst fear had been realized: I was ugly and the girls hated me.
During my teenage years the girls mostly ignored me and I learnt to accept that I was not handsome or cool enough for the girls I liked. By the age of 17 I dated a girl for a few months but she wanted to wait for sex after marriage so I did not score and therefore felt even more withdrawn from this reality that I felt I was supposed to be in with the other young men, bragging about their girlfriends and whether they scored with them or not. So I distracted myself during breaks to not have to watch and be part of the socialization of the horny teenagers outside, and followed my interest, which was to play on the computers in the library. I developed an interest in computer programming and after graduating I studied to become a computer programmer.
By the age of 19 I fell in love with a girl, who after 6 months decided to sleep with one of the guys I worked with. I was furious – as I treated her like a queen and spent all my hard earned cash on her. After that relationship I met Lucinda, a girl who worked in the office next to me. We fell in love and got married when I was 23. We were married for 4 years during which time – we fell out of love, as we realized that our interests changed and she was too attached to her family. When I was offered a job in another city she cried and said that she could not leave her family, whom she was very close to -so we stayed. I became increasingly irritated with her from that point on and started seeing her for what she was – a weak minded girl who was to afraid to be away from her family even though she was now married. My resentment turned into spitefulness – she wanted to try for a baby – and I said ‘ I was not ready’. This went of for two more years as I continued to lie about why we could not yet have a baby – she was suffocating me by restricting my choices in life I would do the same to her. We started fighting about everything – money, family, friends, babies, and careers – eventually we both acted from spitefulness whenever we had a chance. I noticed in our arguments that her family must have been fueling her resentment towards me for not ‘being ready’ to have a baby – as she would let slip ‘well you know my sister thinks that…’ This fueled my resentment as I made a decision one day to just ‘ignore the bitch’.
We started leading separate lives – she spent most of her time with her family and I spent all my time on the Internet surfing gaming sites and utilizing porn as a substitute for my wife. I would use porn extensively to masturbate while Lucinda was visiting her family. Sex obviously became a massive problem – as I knew that she was trying for a baby and I did not want to start a family with this woman. I worked in a dead end job for a basic salary, where as all the jobs I could apply for, I could not, as I knew she would not be willing to move away. Each time we discussed potential job opportunities she would start crying about me not loving her and her sick father needing her and blah, blah, blah.
After another year Lucinda tells me one day out of the blue – that she has been seeing another man, whom she works with, and that she is pregnant. The shock hit me so hard that I simply sat there starring at her. Then the shock mutated into rage as I realized that yet again I was deceived by a woman into giving up my life and getting nothing for it. I moved out of our apartment into a small one bedroom apartment on the other side of town – closer to my work. This is where I spent the rest of my time – from work I come home and I surfed the web, playing games until late at night. I used porn sites as I had done before, but now that I was living alone for the first time in years, combined with this seething rage – I started looking for specific porn. Rape porn and sadomasochism – were the only forms of pornography that gave me release. I enjoyed watching woman being abused and eventually only used hardcore porn sites.
From there due to the types of websites I was already using, I found my mind constantly chasing me to find more and more absurd and hardcore porn. I would feel a rush of power as I masturbated to these scenes where woman were being hurt, embarrassed, mutilated. My thoughts when alone at home were always around which new category of porn I could investigate. I went through various sites and then I came across child pornography. The sensation as I flicked through some of the images were triggered by thoughts linked to sheer vengeance towards my ex wife and the baby that she wanted to have with another man – and how she wanted what she wanted without giving me what I wanted. The child before my eyes as a victim to what I could do – became the new source of hatred I used to feed this frenzy I constantly felt around the desire to masturbate. I watched child porn while I masturbated not because I found the children attractive – but the sense power overwhelmed me. In that my mind developed new thoughts, new sensations in my body as my addiction used my rage to fuel itself. After using child pornography for years – I could no longer tell the difference between a normal sexual attraction to a woman and this link I had created between my anger and the rush I felt from watching child pornography. To me sexual pleasure was derived from my secret reality I could access on the internet.”
If you read the story above – you will notice how the abuser's mind works in layering of information over time – in which the person has an initial experience or thought and from there uses backchat as thinking to fuel further development into the point. So looking at memories – we see here that each time we experience something we store the experience in the mind as memory. Then at a later point one uses the memory in ones current experiences to compare how one will now face the current experience one is in. Therefore for an abuser for example – one is looking at a character that is created from layers and layers of memories – each one fueling the current experience – until the current experience is then existent as memories with the latest information of how the person experiences themselves. The original personality design of the person, as one can observe in the story, creates the initial foundation point from which the person starts building their experiences. A person, who is for example pre-designed as the personality construct of sexually addictive, will develop and build more specific sexual addictions around the experiences they have had. Add to that the tendency as personality to distance oneself from responsibilities or problems one is facing, together with the personality of ‘blame’ – and one has a specific character design that comes together as seen in the example above. Add to that all the likes, dislikes, fears, behaviors and other patterns already existent from childhood – and you have the makings of a character – whom to the next person might appear absurd or even strange -but look for yourself; each design element – one could call it of the character of pedophile, is a combination of thousands of minor factors, that once glued together as the ACCEPTANCE and ALOWANCE of the individual, becomes them in their totality and appears to the individual to be normal as ‘who they are’.
in the example above, if one starts walking the time line of how he designed himself, one can see that as a young man he was faced with desire for recognition based on the value system he was taught from his parents, the media, his peers and siblings on what it means to be a man or a woman and at what stage one should start showing an interest in girls. Here the person stepped into a pre-designed role which was designed through society – into what is the acceptable human experience and that if he is to be a ‘normal’ young man’ he would follow the character of being accepted by the opposite sex. As humans, for example we are trained from young to fit into these sexual identities or characters and are also taught that to accept oneself you have to be accepted within the role that is predetermined for you by society. This is the first step into character – as we believe we should become what others have hinted or directly told us to become through ways of education. We are also taught, that if we do not manage to become the character set out for us, then there is something wrong with us, and then we are also through the education given to us by our parents, educated on how to react emotionally and behaviorally if we are unsatisfied with our experience. What a dichotomy we have created – we create rules according to what it means to be human , and then we create emotional dis-stress if we cannot fulfill those roles -through which we furthermore fuck ourselves into the role of victim to our own victimization. All humans complain about how uncomfortably it is to be depressed, sad, angry, secluded, worried etc as an experience of ourselves if we do not meet the standards of society – and yet nobody is willing to change those standard -fascinating how the human is a sucker for punishment.
This young man was faced as we all have - with the multidimensional nature of himself within who he believed he should be. This was then contradicted by how the girls responded to him – based on the characters they had come to accept themselves as, within the world and societal systems. His reactions to how he was treated was programmed by him as the memories together with the feelings, emotions and thoughts he had in that moment – into and as himself as a dimension of himself. He then throughout his life added experiences to this character until it became his personality – where in the end the pedophile is acting from these dimensions in which he has programmed the layers of information about his life experiences.
So – even though I have only walked the characters of two pedophiles –realize – as you can see from yourself if you were to place yourself in the ‘shoes’ or ‘character’ of a pedophile – that thousand of different pedophile characters exist in this world –as each person develops him/herself differently according to different memories. Each one’s life experiences and pre-programming is different, which results in each character being slightly different. The key here however – is to see, realize and understand the complexity of how the mind created the ‘here’ of who I am – based on the accumulation of moments as memories and by storing the information into and as the mind – where we have become the living manifestation of memories – which are our characters as we try and live out the past experiences. This is how the mind as the conscious, subconscious and unconscious functions – it is a machine that uses memories to imprint who and what the mind should be based on the value system we give the memory in the moment. And the minute we go into the mind and participate in the ‘here’ moment which is simplistically me here in my body, breathing and participating in my world – and I shift into the mind and participate in reality through my mind – by seeing a and experiencing ‘here’ as any value system laden with information – then I am programming me into and as a memory. Now my next moment will be the same – where I am constantly shifting from one mind dimension to the next as I move through the layers of information that were implanted into me as my childhood memories where my parents and teachers started brainwashing my moments by giving them information values – where I now constantly move through dimensions in the mind to access the characters of me I want or need to me here – based on all the layers of information I had already programmed before. So my character now becomes a memory regurgitator as I attempt to live out the good memories or avoid the bad memories.
As you can see from the example of the pedophiles -and this is applicable to ALL of us – not just the ‘criminal/offender’ - is that his experience became that of trying to either run away from bad memories – by aligning his characters to new choices that would allow him to avoid pain/humiliation – or he made his character choices based on the memories of what he had come to believe to be ‘good/happy times’ – and so he moved into the character of seeking happiness and fulfillment. What eventually happens is we create many characters as combination of the two polarities –because we are constantly trying to adjust our characters to avoid pain and experience happiness. Each time we shift into a new character, we compiled from all the memories that we were satisfied contained ‘positive experiences’ – either from our own past or from what we saw others having – we are running into new variables as obviously our environment and other people and such factors will not go according to our plan – but will again force us to shift into new characters by either attempting to change our character to avoid that point or by forcing change in our environment/others.
So what can we tell about the pedophile as the character he has become? As you can see the individual is not really sexually attracted to a child – as a practical physical, sexual expression point with another consenting individual with whom you are sexually fairly compatible with. No - The individual is sexually ‘attracted’ – because his character in that moment is loaded with information based on past events that have now symbolically come together to play out as the pedophile. This individual believes he is attracted to the child – because he believes the end result of the character – however as observers we can see that there are multi dimension and layers to who this individual is as ‘pedophile’. His/her character exists as a layer of information starting with how he was programmed as a young man – and from there be designed himself as character in reaction to what he experienced in his world. The mind in that way is ‘simplistic by nature’ in that it takes moments and imprints it into itself and the symbolic value given to that memory. Due to how the mind functions as a character in relation to the other characters – we can see that the mind function to continuously adapt and change the character to be able to survive between all the other characters we have all come to accept.
So this manifestation of the pedophile for example, merely shows us the multidimensional nature of ourselves and how we really are the creators of ourselves. Therefore to truly understand the mind of for example ‘the pedophile’ – it is necessary for one to walk the time line of this being’s design -how his character was created. Only then can one delete the character – as one takes self responsibility for the parts of the character – by looking into the dimension into which he/she shifted when he/she experienced the information – and by deleting the dimension by bringing it here and applying self forgiveness on the dimension.
So the solution for example is not to say ‘stop being a pedophile’ as remember in the background you could say – running on automatic is the individuals mind creating characters automatically – I mean if this was not the case – we would not be seeing any person–which when dissected has a time line of information placement points which then equates to an end result. These end results we have come to call human and human personalities. For us to stop the world characters of abuse in all it millions of forms we have to go to who is implementing and doing the abuse – the human. Therefore we have identified that the human is the character that is applying abuse on this planet. Now to understand how we all abuse and allow abuse -we go into the character one has become as the abuser – to understand how the character was created – and by doing this we delete the memories that hold the vast networks of information which all come together to create ‘my current character’.
Please realize that even thought I basically write out an entire life story for this individual – I am still only touching on maybe 10 to 20 memories that made up the character of the offender. This is merely an example I am walking for each offender. Realize that there are millions upon millions of moments from birth that are imprinted into the mind as memory – which later became the present day character of the individual. Therefore in my example I bring across the childhood memories, the feelings, emotions, thoughts, behaviorisms, the DNA, the environmental influences, the cultural programing etc. This is not even touching on the Soul Construct Design of the individual according to how the Soul Construct use to work – as who they being was designed to be this life time before they were even placed into their human life. This in itself is a vast topic and does not require of us to go into to understand our characters now – because all we need to understand and see -is how we designed our characters from childhood – and in that we have sufficient data on the character we are now.
In my next Blog I will apply Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment Statements on the Character above.
(Please note that in my blog I use fictional characters, stories and names)