This is a continuation from: http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/this-is-continuation-from.html
Personality example of a user of Child Pornography:
Please refer to: Day 24:International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.
To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. I am not a user or producer of child pornography and do not condone or support the use thereof - by blog exists as a character evaluation - from which I apply self forgiveness, to deconstruct the design of the Child Pornography user/manufacturer. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up. I suggest - as you read the self-forgiveness and writings - and you have any thoughts or experiences - to add your own self-forgiveness in the comments section.
“The thought to first start watching child pornography came up as a feeling in connection to a picture of a child’s naked body. At first I experienced a tingling within my body, which moved up from my groin into my chest, arms and down my legs. I had experienced this similarly to watching other pornography, but what started happened in my mind was that I experienced the thoughts which directed me further and further into the decision to watch child pornography – thought such as ‘their flesh is so young’, ‘is this wrong?’, ‘what if I get caught watching this?’, what if my parents see what is on my computer?’ and ‘would a child respond sexually the same as a woman?’ As I had these thoughts, I experienced myself becoming more and more intrigued and the intrigue stimulated me sexually. Somewhere from within my body, from my groin and moving up my spine until my neck felt numb – came an energy which I learnt to associate with the fear of getting caught and the primal shock I experiences initially as I asked myself the above questions. From there my interest in child pornography was not based on a rational choice, I found myself drawn in though the response I had to further questions within my mind towards other images, towards the potential threat behind me watching these images and my own uneasiness sitting there being faced with an image of a naked child – causing me to want to masturbate. When I first started exploring sexuality, I did not at any point react sexually to children (as I started exploding sex, masturbation and pornography - between the ages of 15 – 22). It was a sudden interest in the images that developed due to a response from my body, which was then fueled by my mind through justifications as to why these images are enticing. From there I experienced a combination of initial mistrust towards my own experience, but this did not last long as the energy of shame and guilt towards my own sexual reaction, turned to a new thought which surfaced where I simply knew that I liked it. Somewhere from within me, from within my mind I became more and more comfortable with seeing images of naked children, having thoughts about their flesh which I would normally have about woman and then empowering my mind through further thoughts which made me feel alive with energy, as I was pulled between morality and sexual pleasure. I identified within myself – that a part of me was seeing the child’s body symbolically – as if seeing the shape of their bodies and the innocence they represented, triggered an interest within me, which was channeled by me into sexual pleasure. The other part of me concocted images and combined them with irrational thoughts, which led me time and time again after that to seek the same experience. At times especially in the beginning I would experience shame after I masturbated, however if I then for a few days would stop masturbating to child pornography and attempt to use adult porn, then I would almost feel numb during the whole experience and once I would return to the images of naked children, it felt as if my body became ablaze with sexual energy. At times I would rationalize this to myself as ‘well it is happening to me therefore it must be a natural part of myself that requires expression’ or ‘maybe it is not about the child but about how the child represents the confined placed by society on sexuality – therefore I am responding to an image which is condemned by society, through which I may experience the ultimate release.’
After a few years of using basic imagery only occasionally – only enough for me to rationalize as acceptable and not ‘out of my control’ – I started thinking about whether different images contained different experiences. I wanted to understand more and see if I could open myself up more. I found a website after a very specific search and came across a link to a website where the owner would give out links to images depending on your level of involvement with the website. Obviously as a beginner I had to start somewhere – so I decided to push ahead and after a few months I received anonymous links to images that were very different to what I was use to. As I watched these pictures I allowed myself to feel what these pictures did to me. In the end I distinguished between specific images to which I had specific experiences and from this my fascination focused itself ultimately to the acquiring of specific footage and imagery that would stimulate me. I found my mind reacting to the images with short burst – which at times were unidentifiable as the thoughts moved so fast. All that I would experience were short sentences, followed by physical sensations throughout my body, and if I kept flicking through the images, I could build the physical reactions until I would have my orgasm. Something inside of me always drove my reactions to these images and therefore the game became about knowing which pictures meant what to me as I had come to know what sensations or thoughts triggered my responses to the images…”
“The thought to first start watching child pornography came up as a feeling in connection to a picture of a child’s naked body. At first I experienced a tingling within my body, which moved up from my groin into my chest, arms and down my legs. I had experienced this similarly to watching other pornography, but what started happened in my mind was that I experienced the thoughts which directed me further and further into the decision to watch child pornography – thought such as ‘their flesh is so young’, ‘is this wrong?’, ‘what if I get caught watching this?’, what if my parents see what is on my computer?’ and ‘would a child respond sexually the same as a woman?’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a pleasant feeling to seeing images of naked or sexually active children.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a tingling sensation within the physical body, which is a system design that influences the physical whereby it superimposes itself into the physical senses, back into a mind pattern which associates the sensation as pleasant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a system, which manipulates me through unknown stimulus, to react to images of naked children or sexually active children.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design my body and my mind into a system whereby I have attached certain pictures, memories, feelings, ideas, likes/dislikes and reactions/behaviors to the images of naked or abused children.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a system out of sex, whereby I have taken all the points of stimulus from within the secret mind, and connected that through the sex system to my groin, whereby I will loose sight of the reactions I am really having from what happens in my groin to the stimulus response within my mind – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am allowing these images to stimulate me because I have already given permission to the system design existent from my mind to my groin and through the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts such as ‘their flesh is so young’ to exist within me and to trigger chemical reactions within my body of pleasure.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed thoughts such as ‘their flesh is so young’ to permeate through my mind for the first time, after which I as the participant allowed myself to give permission to me, with regards to what I will do with this thought and how in that moment I will sit there masturbating, thus energizing the thought into existence within my mind – as it now becomes a backchat pattern that will emerge frequently as part of my sexual gratification game.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought ‘their flesh is so young’ to exist as a point of stimulus – because I had firstly created this system design based on the premise of positive feelings which I connect to words, ideas, people and images – whereby I now see, realize and understand that this system was designed by me fully conscious of how I used connection points between things to feelings – so that I may experience sexual gratification. Therefore I now realize that by – in the first place connecting ‘good feelings’ and pleasant reactions within my body as chemical responses to words, people, pictures and ideas – I am tacitly agreeing to the design of myself as for example ‘someone who watches child pornography for sexual gratification.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pre-programmed entity – which secretly connects images, people, words and ideas to my own sexual gratification – wherein my lack of self responsibility with regards to my thoughts indicates that I am responsible for myself becoming an abuser of children – and that no god or devil did this to me – because I already designed and implemented my reactions as physical responses to words, people, images and ideas.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly design my own system of gratification and then blaming a god or DNA or some force beyond my control for who and what I have become as child abuser – not realizing that I in fact am able to trace my thoughts and how I created relationships between physical reactions and images, people, words or ideas.
Therefore by stating that having physical reactions to pictures in my mind – I am indicating that I exist as an entity that secretly connects lines between memories of people, words, images and ideas in my mind – and through that generate energy to fuel my addictions – therefore becoming the leech that benefits from abuse – while I hide behind ‘free will and ‘individuality.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to specifically use fear in the form of thoughts such as ‘what if I get caught watching this? – to stimulate me sexually, through the release of energy throughout my body as I am faced in that moment with the ties that bind me as my own morality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my own morality of good/bad as a catalyst, from which I bounce in-between polarities, thus generating the flow of energy as I experience myself being pulled between right and wrong, which imprints itself into and as me as a pattern within my mind –which then becomes automated – as I play the victim to my morality – while wanting to experience gratification – thus using this character of conflicting morals – from which I allow myself to become an abuser.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the polarity of right and wrong as I was taught in schools and by my parents –to experience sexual gratification and stimulus – as I go to the negative polarity – experience the energy of shame/repulsion and then use thoughts of happiness to pull myself towards acceptance of what I am doing. In school and in the parenting/family system I was taught the system of punishment/reward – as I was taught that to get rewards you have to first do something bad/be punished. Eventually doing something bad carried an energy of excitement or disgust – which is then by the nature of the cycle of the pattern – followed by ‘doing the right thing’ within the system – which is then experienced by me as I watch the faces of those who see me ‘doing the right thing’ and I would then experience the release of energy (later becomes orgasm) as I feel the energy of ‘doing the right thing’ and being accepted/saved within the system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as child pornographer to use the face of the child who looks at me questioningly – as the face of the person who asks ‘why’ – which stimulates me into masturbating myself into the energy release as I give myself happiness – which I have equated according to the equation above as ‘the right thing’.
Therefore - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use images of children looking sad or anxious while being photographed as picture presentation during which my secret mind uses the equation I was taught as a child – in which I now am being questioned for my bad deeds, which stimulates me to masturbate as I feel the energy of being bad which I have come to accept as a pleasant energy – due to me connecting fear and failure to an energy that build up that requires releasing through ‘good things – which is what bringing my hand to genitalia does for me – as the parent and director of myself in that moment – as I remove the negative experience through the up and down rubbing of the genitalia.
I commit myself to show how using memories and points of reference such as pictures, knowledge, words and people – within the mind only exist based on the character who wants to please self by using others.
I commit myself to show how not living here in the physical, practically in self responsibility – but instead creating vast networks of relationships with images, ideas and thoughts in the mind – eventually allows one to creates characters to participate with in separation form this physical reality – which then allows us to abuse life in the physical as we merely exist in these relationships in the mind.
I commit myself to show how the relationships we exist within and towards in the mind as the characters we have created are given permission to by all in the world – while the consequences as abuse happens in the physical reality to others.
I commit myself to show how humanity and all our ‘evil’ actions were designed by ourselves through the characters we created in the mind, whereby we created relationships in the mind to people, images and ideas – fueled the relationships through energy generation as the patterns of addiction through which we participate and then collectively give permission to each others characters – so that everyone can carry on living as characters and not have to take responsibility for the harm done to and within the physical.