Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Day 26: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 10

This is a continuation from:

Please read the following Blog with regards to the Development of the Secret Mind 

“…the Secret MIND is Creating the Main Character that Creates this Damaged World, as the Secret Mind is Created By Damaged Memories that Converged in a Hidden Dimension as Files creating Life as We Live it as the character of this World.”

Self-Forgiveness on:

(taken from Day 25 – Child pornography Part 9)

It was a sudden interest in the images that developed due to a response from my body, which was then fueled by my mind through justifications as to why these images are enticing. From there I experienced a combination of initial mistrust towards my own experience, but this did not last long as the energy of shame and guilt towards my own sexual reaction, turned to a new thought which surfaced where I simply knew that I liked it. Somewhere from within me, from within my mind I became more and more comfortable with seeing images of naked children, having thoughts about their flesh which I would normally have about woman and then empowering my mind through further thoughts which made me feel alive with energy, as I was pulled between morality and sexual pleasure. I identified within myself – that a part of me was seeing the child’s body symbolically – as if seeing the shape of their bodies and the innocence they represented, triggered an interest within me, which was channeled by me into sexual pleasure. The other part of me concocted images and combined them with irrational thoughts, which led me time and time again after that to seek the same experience. At times especially in the beginning I would experience shame after I masturbated, however if I then for a few days would stop masturbating to child pornography and attempt to use adult porn, then I would almost feel numb during the whole experience and once I would return to the images of naked children, it felt as if my body became ablaze with sexual energy. At times I would rationalize this to myself as ‘well it is happening to me therefore it must be a natural part of myself that requires expression’ or ‘maybe it is not about the child but about how the child represents the confined placed by society on sexuality – therefore I am responding to an image which is condemned by society, through which I may experience the ultimate release.’

After a few years of using basic imagery only occasionally – only enough for me to rationalize as acceptable and not ‘out of my control’ – I started thinking about whether different images contained different experiences. I wanted to understand more and see if I could open myself up more. I found a website after a very specific search and came across a link to a website where the owner would give out links to images depending on your level of involvement with the website. Obviously as a beginner I had to start somewhere – so I decided to push ahead and after a few months I received anonymous links to images that were very different to what I was use to. As I watched these pictures I allowed myself to feel what these pictures did to me. In the end I distinguished between specific images to which I had specific experiences and from this my fascination focused itself ultimately to the acquiring of specific footage and imagery that would stimulate me. I found my mind reacting to the images with short burst – which at times were unidentifiable as the thoughts moved so fast. All that I would experience were short sentences, followed by physical sensations throughout my body, and if I kept flicking through the images, I could build the physical reactions until I would have my orgasm. Something inside of me always drove my reactions to these images and therefore the game became about knowing which pictures meant what to me as I had come to know what sensations or thoughts triggered my responses to the images…”

The Secret Mind and Damaged Files.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my hidden memories within my secret mind – where from childhood I placed all pictures, values, judgments and ideas pertaining to myself, others and my environment.

I commit myself walk in each moment as the breath, as my physical body, only considering what would be and is best for all in each moment, therefore eventually equalizing myself as what is best for all – as I no longer have to tie loop and live out the future as the past memories where I charged moments with values based on secret desires, hopes and fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design a secret mind, which allows for the development of characters, within which I will live out my life as if these characters are real.

I commit myself to stop participating in the design of trying to protect myself from the future and in doing this – I also realize that for all to stop designing the future which is an attempt for all to avoid fear and death – in which we create the fear and death as we cycle through the creation of ourselves – I have to create a world where all can live free from fear, instead of fighting the mind for eternity - where we create spirituality as means to quieten the mind –while still forcing beings into life situations generating fear and mistrust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the existence of a mind which exists in separation from the physical, as it’s purpose is to design characters for me to access, throughout my life, in which I get to avoid self responsibility by shifting dimensions into characters – so that I as ‘individual’ can seek happiness and avoid discomfort in life. 

I commit myself to learn and share how to direct myself in this physical reality and by doing so finding ways of working with the physical to sustain life here in the physical, without harming – so that we may clear the files and the systems through which we create these files, through which we created this damaged reality.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand what it would mean to walk as self responsibility – so that I no longer accept and allow mind systems and mind files to exist in hidden parts, which serves no other purpose but to create characters that contribute to the damage of life as ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design the mind as a holding place for memories – from which I design characters for myself to access throughout my life, so that I never have to walk one and equal to what is really happening in this physical reality – and where I am able at all times to avoid conflict, pain and abuse I inflict towards others or that is inflicted towards me -to rather shift into another character that exists as the memories which take me into character – to best deal with the situation I am faced with.

This character to deal with the situation I am faced with, purely exists for the survival of myself as a mind system – therefore who I have become now is not what is best for all as myself – but a memory bank of information designed to protect the mind.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and share how we damage this reality through the hidden files that we store as memories in the mind – which consists of parts of information which have certain values – which cause us to blindly follow the information as it surfaces in moments called characteristics..

The secret mind of each is eventually created through all the Damaged Memories that Converge in a Hidden Dimension as Files creating Life as We Live it as the character of this World.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for placing damaged memories into hidden dimensions as files – through which I created me as pedophile –directed into and as the actions of abusing a child due to the energy charges I have given memories and the information and symbols they contain as the value system that each moment as picture or word is laden with.

I commit myself to defuse these energy charges through breathing and self forgiveness – until I exist as my physical body, breathing here, living – where I am actually here – and not stuck in my mind as repeating memories creating more memories trapping me further and further into dimensions of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as pedophile to place pictures from my youth into my secret mind based on the damaged moments I experiences, as I connected certain values of how I believed things should be, based on previous memories to the current moment and when my expectations were not met – the moment was damaged in that I judged the moment and placed the event into a file such as disgusting, avoid, shameful, embarrassing etc.

I commit myself to stop creating damaging moments, in which I allow abuse as myself towards myself and others which then programs the memories of those involved – until they too one day abuse as they become and accept the pattern, as they learn that apparently life is about trying to avoid pain and give oneself happiness at whatever cost – which in the current system always has a cost for another – as all are trapped in the same cycles of have/have not, with/ without – as capitalism and the principles of human greed dictates it so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create files in my secret mind where these damaged memories were placed, simply due to the fact that all around me parents were acting out their secret mind damaged files with no self responsibility or solution on how to solve the world problems – which is everybody living our damaged files – which then becomes society as the living of damaged files.

I commit myself to stand as example to the children of speaking and living in ways that are self responsible and do not harm myself or others – where files of memories are created, in which the child grows up repeating the sins of the fathers and allowing themselves to merely exist as memories instead of here in their physical bodies – due to the example that is set.

Artwork by: Joe Kou

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