This is a continuation from:
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-33-international-crime-research.html
Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.
To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.
“By the age of 19 I fell in love with a girl, who after 6 months decided to sleep with one of the guys I worked with. I was furious – as I treated her like a queen and spent all my hard earned cash on her.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘I treated someone well therefore they should not have deceived me’ as an excuse and justification.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become infuriated due to my justification and excuse not working and the other person not doing what I was holding them responsible for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because I was doing things ‘for another’ they would not leave me, thus allowing myself when the person left or acted different to how I wanted them to, to become so emotional, as I reflected this onto myself and allowed myself to experience rage towards self and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the end ignore how I had placed value onto pleasing others and how I believed people should behave around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when the moment arrived where she tells me she had been seeing someone else, to bring up a picture thought of a memory of myself treated her well through money – thus using this memory as a benchmark of the kind of treatment I expected due to the monetary value I had placed into the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then participate in the backchat of ‘how dare she, I spent all my money on her’ – therefore feeding my anger, which was based on a value system I had held the partner accountable for, which is how I value myself in relation to my partner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fury when the money value was being disregarded therefore not considering myself or how I participated in creating the relationship construct based on money and attention and appreciation. Therefore when my relationship fell flat, I did not see, realize and understand that I played a part in the design of our experience towards each other as I too was responsible for the terms on which this relationship was built – which were dependent on how I really participated through money as one dominant factor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then create a physical response of hung shoulders, heaviness, shaking for days afterwards as I continued to think about what happened as I fueled my anger.
“After that relationship I met Lucinda, a girl who worked in the office next to me. We fell in love and got married when I was 23. We were married for 4 years during which time – we fell out of love, as we realized that our interests changed and she was too attached to her family.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one can fall in love with someone, on which one now energetically create beliefs, ideas and dependencies on the other person based on preconceived ideas of relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can also fall out of love with someone which I realize were all simply energetic possessions I allowed myself to become I as it is clear that one does not actually ‘fall’ anywhere, but instead allow pre-programmed experiences to overcome one, which we accept and allow as a statement of enjoying self punishment’ as we create and participate in experiences that are energy based and direct us through taking us over in forms of mind-energy-possession.
I commit myself to show that in order for us to Live and Breathe here in our Physical Bodies, we do not have to accept ourselves as these Mind Consciousness Systems which we have all come to accept through the generations as normal human responses – as we have made ourselves dependent on these emotion/feeling reactions and experiences that control us, where we lose directive principle as we give ourselves up into a system of the Mind.
The rest of the Self-Commitment statements for this blog is found at the end of the next blog.
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