Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.
To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.
“During my teenage years the girls mostly ignored me and I learnt to accept that I was not handsome or cool enough for the girls I liked. By the age of 17 I dated a girl for a few months but she wanted to wait for sex after marriage so I did not score and therefore felt even more withdrawn from this reality that I felt I was supposed to be in with the other young men, bragging about their girlfriends and whether they scored with them or not. So I distracted myself during breaks to not have to watch and be part of the socialization of the horny teenagers outside, and followed my interest, which was to play on the computers in the library. I developed an interest in computer programming and after graduating I studied to become a computer programmer.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one should be handsome to others, in order for me to accept myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition and response myself into and as the character of ‘not cool’ and ‘unattractive’ – therefore by accepting myself as these labels, I am creating and fueling my experience as I have now created the platform from which I develop further characters into experiences surrounding ‘not cool’ and ‘unattractive’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this conditioned response to be the true nature of myself as I plan and plot who and what I will now become as I allow my reactions to the responses and moods of other people to become me in living manifestation, while years later I blame others for who I became, not realizing that if I were to look back at my life I would see the time line of decisions made, in which I justified this conditioning because I have already allowed myself to exist as a Mind System that creates behaviors and exists according to pleasing characters.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself each step of the way as I experienced rejection from girls/boys to allow conscious thoughts in relation to what I initially experienced, followed by backchat conversations during which I would talk myself into a ‘realization’ of who I am in response to the information I was placing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide who I would be in relation to past memories of what I had seen happen to other people who were rejected by the opposite sex. Therefore from there through the backchat conversations, I allowed myself to convince myself of my worth as a final decision based on all the information I had presented to myself about the conclusion within my mind of ‘I am this because of that.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power to ideas I formed around the meaning of things where I would see, watch and understand something I saw happening to others, not from a realistic common-sensical perspective – but through the mind of judgments, fears, patterns, addictions, energy etc.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that as I made these ‘decisions’ about myself in relation to my experiences, I was not in fact using common sense reality based assessments of myself, but using pre-programmed values existent in society which are placed through the unconscious mind called ‘consciousness’as the rules by which humans exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the rules of what it means to be human, according to the thoughts that come up in my mind as I experience reality – not realizing for myself that these harmful, self-abusive thoughts in no way support me here as Life in the Physical, as a Breathing functional, Equal and One being to all others – but instead the information as my thoughts follow a ‘train of thought’ that take me into accepting myself as less than who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘a someone’, a character, due to the accumulation of thoughts based on the rules of what it means to be human, where I now years down the line have become a being I probably would look back at in disbelief if I were to step out of this mind and observe myself in self honesty for a moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become this ‘somebody’ due to the accumulation of decisions I made throughout my life in minor moments where I would think or react or feel in relation to my experiences and then accept that experience and from there, make decisions based on the memory of information accumulated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts such as ‘I am not good enough’ or to present pictures to myself of who I should be or why I am not good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat conversations around why I am not good enough and how to avoid the experience of rejection or embarrassment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reactions such as sweating, heart palpitations, looking away, anger, irritation etc.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing physical behaviors to develop such as avoidance, sitting alone, quietness, reclusiveness, spending all my time on the Internet etc.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make life or career decision such as ‘working with computers’ not as a natural self-expression, but as a coping mechanism originally used to avoid being around certain people or situations.
I commit myself to show how even a pedophile/sex addict exists due to a thought which if you open the thought up – you will find a history of memories that make up the present decision, whether it be a feeling that ‘overcomes the being’ or a specific thought or a physical behavior that kicks in.
I commit myself to show that there is support available for all who are equally in the same boat called the mind and how all patterns, behaviors, characters can be traced to its origin point and that the origin point is not some elusive evil spirit or evil god – but in our history and make-up – all to be found in memories and how we become characters in relation/response to memories (past events).