My Self-Forgiveness will focus on the following Article:
The Qualitative Report Volume 9 Number 2 June 2004: Sipping Coffee with a Serial Killer: On Conducting Life History Interviews with a Criminal Genius
Author: J. C. Oleson
In each blog I will walk self-forgiveness on different parts of the Article, discussing the developmental aspects of somebody who 'learns to kill'.
This blog is a continuation from the previous blog in this series:
To summarize - the next few blogs with focus on the final aspects of how 'X' learned how to use and be comfortable with violence/crime:
-At seventeen years old, while a junior in high school, X was invited to a club with a friend. While waiting for the friend a man in the club picked a fight with X. A stranger comes to his defense and beats up the bully. X spends the rest of the evening talking to this man (Vince) and befriending him.
- Towards the end of the evening when it comes to paying the bill, vince offers to pay. Vincent tosses a $100.00 bill onto the table. X, accustomed to teenager’s wages, was overwhelmed by such extravagance. He didn’t know who Vincent was, but he was anxious to find out, as he was intrigued by this courageous, generous man.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate a positive experience to seeing people act with bravery and to associate positive belief systems around what I am seeing and understanding - due to how I grew up with the pre-programmed belief-system that good, strong, courageous actions are to be seen in a specific way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then define the individual as trustworthy and of strength, due to them acting in ways that resonante with me - meaning in ways that I have already associated values to - which allow me to automatically respond positively to the person or situation, without ever bothering to ask or check who this person is and whether their actions are in honor of Life and What is Best for All or only their own self-interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through the development of friendship and closeness to the idea of who this person or event is -to completely disregard the rest of my world and the world in general as I will follow this good feeling, while never considering that there are billions of beings on this planet each day who suffer, while I follow the blissful energetic experience associated to this one person or event - placing myself in a mind-bubble of bliss, which indicates my own self interest and that my definition of strength or courage has therefore nothing to do with real courage.strength, but about who or what can I attain my own self-interest through.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to categorize courage and strength into 'who will serve my needs' and thus within this world we see that the real problems such as war, poverty, abuse never get sorted out - because war, poverty and abuse always serves somebody's self interest and therefore nobody wants to change it, because everybody knows they gain in life from permitting such atrocities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain permissive of war, poverty and abuse as I see, realize and understand that it serves me and my life on this planet - but at the same time my own conscious will bother me and therefore by creating diversions such as charities and causes -I get to apease my conscious by pretending to show an interest in the suffering of a particular group - while ignoring the actual problems underlying all forms of abuse within the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself just like the 'serial-killer' in this story to project an image of bravery and strength onto one person or group, so that I may protect my self interest and my life and money - while obviously never stopping to consider that there is abuse in the world happening due to the world systems I give permission to - which I will not change as it serves me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through this projection-effect, create and participate in causes and charities into which I wil, invest emotion and feeling energy such as empathy and strength - so that as the world together -we can all claim we do look out for the best interest of all because we support 'charities.''
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow ideologies around strength where I will deliberately misguide myself into believing that strength for example is in how agressive, dominant, protective, sneaky, or wealthy you are - not realizing that in fact I am only therefore protecting what protects my comfortable existence and therefore have never actually considered what strength and compassion would be as I do not consider the consequences of my existence here and the impact my existence has on Life as this Physical Reality.
I commit myself that when and as I find myself placing hope, fear or even desire within another person, object or event - to stop, breathe and remind myself to remain here within my principle of self first - meaning to not create personality constructs and characters that require energy through relationships to characters in the world - and that i walk in self-support of myself, but also what is required to bring about a change in the world
as I commit myself when and as I find myself justifying why our current world systems are acceptable, as I slip into the character of acceptance - to stop, and through my dedication to Life which is me, to remain stable and focussed and to never settle for justifications and excuses in a world where Abuse is still existent.