My Self-Forgiveness will focus on the following Article:
The Qualitative Report Volume 9 Number 2 June 2004: Sipping Coffee with a Serial Killer: On Conducting Life History Interviews with a Criminal Genius
Author: J. C. Oleson
In each blog I will walk self-forgiveness on different parts of the Article, discussing the developmental aspects of somebody who 'learns to kill'.
This blog is a continuation from the previous blog in this series:
"As a child, X demonstrated precocious maturation. He spoke, read, and wrote earlier than most children. When he was six, a teacher placed a series of numbers on the classroom chalkboard. X intuitively substituted letters for the digits, cracked the code, and raised his hand to read the message aloud.
Being such a bright boy had earned X the accolades of his teachers, but his precocity also came with a cost. When he was nine, X qualified for a gifted education program. The only boy in his class to qualify, he clearly remembered the hardship of leaving his peers behind. At once, he was stigmatized for his differences, branded as an outsider (Becker, 1963; Wilson, 1956). His peers immediately began to tease him about his new status, and X began to realize that his prodigious intellectual gifts could also be alienating and isolating (Hollingworth, 1942; Towers, 1990).
Hirschi’s control theory provides additional support for the notion of the angelic gifted child: “The academically competent boy is more likely to do well in school and more likely as a result to like school. The boy who likes school is less likely to be delinquent” (1969, p. 115). But by the time he was ten, X had figured out that “being the smart guy was bad.” Being smart wasn’t smart at all. It meant social isolation and persecution as a nerd or a geek (Richardson, 1993). Accordingly, X cultivated a taste for heavy metal music, began to dress in black t-shirts and blue jeans, and downplayed his intellectual abilities at every available opportunity. Although his parents worried that X might become involved with drugs or delinquency, they remained confident in his values suspecting that it was all merely a phase."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another, who is different from me and through this judgment, compound my backchat into nasty behavior towards that individual.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous of the abilities of another, but instead of facing up to my experience of being 'less than that person', I make it about the other person, by creating rumors and spreading gossip, to the point that others convince themselves equally within the point of jealousy and comparison, to give into the point of bullying.
I commit myself to treat all beings with equality and equal respect as I respect myself, and when and as I find myself experiencing any backchat or thoughts, wants, needs desires towards another person or anything they have or are able to do, I stop, breathe and remind myself that it is not about the other person, and what they have or dont have - it is always about my own inner experience and how I am using the other as a mirror to actually reflect my own self-speak back to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a schooling system, where it has become common place for children to find each other intolerable, as if we have come to believe that we are different, even though we are all actually born equally into a physical body, within a physical reality - where it has only been within and through the Mind as Mind-Possession - where we have collectively as Society created this evil called thinking - where we have created ideas that we are apparently better than others, simply due to the secret nature of how addictive the human really is to energy - where we will allow addictions, in whatever form it may take - while all the time denying the abuse that we cause, and denying that we know that we cause such harm to one another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that I exist within a constant relationship to things and people and within this relationship forming am at all times doing so to appear better than others, whilst creating concept as CONS of better than or not better than - where everybody buys into these lies, because everybody wants to be able to do the same thing, no matter what the expense.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be an educator in a system where we allow things like bullying and comparison between children, where I stand as the developer of such a mind, and at no point do I speak up about the fact that the education system, allows for the development of the nasty backchat secret mind of the human, and the only morality that the education system will ever protect - as the real molarity that is protected is anything governed by and for the money system of the word - which if one look at it in absolute self-honesty has become 'god' within this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as parent to at no point consider tae consequences of blissfully ignoring my role as the parent, and for projecting responsibility for the development of my child onto the schooling system, governments and religions, while they are doing the exact same thing - while we al in self honesty really actually realize that how we exist and the way our children develop into adults, is in no way what is best for man, and that man has in fact become demonic and de-manned - but because survival of the Ego and survival through money has become the one reason why man exists - we in fact not only allow any form of abuse such as childhood bullying, but will even go as far as supporting these actions through how we develop the Ego of the child which is the basis from which the child then functions.
I commit myself to always show that every action and word, is always based in self interest - and that one can always trace the origin and starting point of why we accept and allow abuse in our societies and why we will condemn any person or group, whom suggest self honesty - because as a society we are always faced with the choice to exist as the problem or to solve the problem.