This blog is a continuation from:
Day 102: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 6
Fear-dimension within Social-situations continued:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fears of social situations into a future social event, thus using a drug, to supersede any fears, reactions, doubts I may have in these stressful situations, to stand in as me as strength and confidence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I will look according to how I dress, my face, body and clothing and according use drugs to forget about my social fears and self judgments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I will sound once I start communicating in social environments, where I have already created an idea of who I want to sound like and how I should be seen as -to others, therefore knowing that I am not really that person, I now use drugs as an intermediary tool that will support me in becoming someone else, instead of realising that this other person I want to be has nothing to do with me living effectively here in this reality, but rather has to do with supporting my mind in becoming more and more involved in the layers of the ego, where projecting myself as someone else has a higher value than who and what I become as a self honesty living being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear communicating with the other sex, as I either believe I am to good or not good enough, and therefore have created a judgment of myself my mind, which I am now unable or unwilling to overcome as the layers of backchat have already consumed me to such a point - that I am now dependent on a chemical to suppress or bring forward those aspects within me which I want to strengthen or hide.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use pornography as a distraction and illusionary representation of sexuality, which by direct implication has left me unable to understand actual physical intimacy, which results in immense anxiety within me as I now have a database of illusionary, impractical, self-abusive, secret mind images - which cause me when in the presence of the opposite sex to fear sex/intimacy as my point of reference in pornography wass never real or practical.
Thought as picture dimension:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to movie starts, celebrities, etc and in doing so have already compared myself as a picture, an idea of who I wish I could be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare me as a living, breathing being to other in my mind so extensively that the real, physical me, does not in anyway compare to the picture/thought of me in my mind -which creates friction, fear and tension, as I physically react to myself and feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this illusion of what it means to be human, thus setting the precedence for always living in constant friction and fear and never being comfortable in my own skin.