This blog is a follow up from:
“My fascination started after my father’s death – where I realized that I could actually sense and at times see an outline of him in my home. This I initially connected to a simple fascination with my father and the questions that were left unanswered after he died. Therefore I was not really sure if I was really seeing/sensing him or if my underlying fears and desires were the cause of my experiences. I felt lost without him and I also felt guilty for him dying – because I connected his heart attack to him having to much stress which caused him to have the heart attack. This burden I carried with me for many years until I discovered Desteni and was supported to let go of the guilt, the fear, the dependency , the inherent desire to be with my father and to slowly learn to give myself back to me and live my life…”
What opened up for me though from about the age of 17 onwards was a peculiar ability to continue to sense and see spirits. Therefore from being able to sense and at times see my father – I developed an ability to also detect other ghosts and demonic beings. This peaked my interest in the paranormal even more and it was then that I started dabbling with Wiccanism and then Paganism and the Ouija Board – where I had an insatiable desire to communicate not only with my farther but with ‘dead people’ in general. Years later, I could explain that my fascination with ‘the dead’ largely had something to do with the fact that I really did not enjoy being around the living lol. I found conversations with the living to be very tiring and this I realized was due to the fact that I had depression due to how I was not dealing with my fathers death and the strained relationship I had with him before he died. So all in all – my 'fear of being without a father’, which is an inherent programmed design in all people and my guilt at my father dying drove me to wanting to in a way punish myself for my fathers depression that he had all of his adult life, which ended in him making a decision to provide for his family in spite of his painful childhood – after which he died from worrying about money to take care of his family.
All of this weighed so heavily on my shoulder and I delved deeper and deeper into adult depression – which caused me to have an uncanny/strange kind of character - where I would be the odd, gothic looking girl in the back – who would cringe at the sight of humans at a party – and look forward to the time that I could go home to talk on the ouija board with ghosts lol. So my fascination with the supernatural around the age of 17 led me to reading ample books – which of course when my grandmother found out, caused her to have a fit and confront my mother about these un-godly satanic books that she was allowing her daughter to bring into the house. Funnily enough, my mother was so sick of her mothers tyrannical rants that she stood up to her and said ‘man leave her alone, she can read what she wants’.
After this I met a Wiccan at a party and soon after that we not only became friends but I joined him in his religion which kind of transmuted from Wicca to Paganism as we explored more and more ‘the darker side of things’. Anyway, I speak about my Wicca/Paganism/Ouija board adventures enough in all of the articles and videos referred to above – so I will skip to the next part.
Around the age of 24 I started studying Kinesiology because my second passion became about alternative therapies and assisting people. In my spare time i decided to study parapsychology – because this was what i really wanted to do but obviously career wise, in South Africa this does not give one an option for a paying career, so I simply did it because it was my ‘passion’. I joined an online course which was based with a paranormal Research group in Manchester, England. I only studied the first year of Parapsychology after which I was invited to come and live with the people who I am currently working and living with. More information on Desteni and the Portal above.
So you might be asking ‘why are you doing a blog series on the paranormal if your blog is about ‘Crime’s Journey to Life’. You see an interesting point that I touched on in my blog, which I referred to above, called: Ghost hunting – is where I realized one day that I was essentially using the distress of another being, caught on this earthly plane due to whichever distressful situation they experienced during death – to entertain myself with. It was the same as having a room full of hungry, distraught, sick, frightened, disorientated children and watching their distress and lostness to experience a thrill. Therefore what I am doing to myself and in essence to another being, even if it is a ‘ghost’ is using their distress and fear and confusion and vulnerability for my entertainment and from my perspective this is saying about me that I abuse others vulnerabilities and obviously will allow the same to be done to me for the entertainment of others – and this is a Crime against Life. Just like people who justify that animal abuse is ok because they ‘beLIEve’ animals don't have ‘souls’ thus don't deserve equal life rights or that the animal kingdom is there to ‘serve man;’ – the same applies here – we are as ‘ghost hunters’ admitting that we believe or ‘know’ that ghosts exist as the disembodied essence or ‘soul’ (and the apparent value we give to a thing called a ‘soul’") of human beings –and yet at the drop of hat we will use their situation for our own entertainment value. Therefore you will note that as soon as a human or other life form on this plant is in a vulnerable position where it cannot defend itself – then within Capitalism as the ‘need for humans to survive’ or within the drive for human self-interest (as in this case for entertainment) we will find excuses to abuse/exploit that life form.
Now, this is where I know most ghost enthusiasts will kick up a stink and complain to me that many ghost hunters will actually attempt to assist the ‘ghost/demon’ to ‘go to the light’ so to speak. But you know what? This is like saying to the room full of children – ‘its ok, don't be scared, go through that door over there, I have read in an old book written and rewritten by humans who are known for fabricating stories and inventing ‘knowledge’ to control people or to drive/impulse/manipulate the human for profit - that what is behind that door is ‘nice’. The fact is many ghost hauntings and possession cases re-occur and that the exorcist and demon hunters don't ACTUALLY know ‘what is behind the door’ (the white light) but are trusting sources from books – where they themselves have never actually been able to look behind the door …. So would you do that to a child? So for example when I had my ‘aha’ moment where I experienced shock and shame at my antics – what I realized was that firstly ‘why would a God allow beings who at the moment of a traumatic/confusing/angry death clinging to their bodies or homes or objects –why would such a God punish them by saying ‘well you wanted to stay there so weh…’
In the next blog I will expand on this point with another example.