http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-36-international-crime-research.html
Please refer to: Day 24: International Crime Research – Child Pornography Part 8 for background information, on how and why I will be walking the characters of Criminals/Offenders.
To recap: the following blog is written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts and experiences. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the characteristics within the write-up.
“From there due to the types of websites I was already using, I found my mind constantly chasing me to find more and more absurd and hardcore porn.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through the nature of my thoughts, to chase myself into and as the habit of seeking and needing more stimulation, more hard core imagery to stimulate my mind into and as anger and rage – therefore designing exactly how and where I would Possess myself into these states of energy – which I will later blame or society, my ex-partner, my parents, god, etc.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give such power to the images and symbols presented in pornography, that I allowed myself to become subject to all the hidden, nasty meanings behind why this pornography exists in the first place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become one and equal to these images and for proclaiming that I was the victim, that had to use the images to fuel my anger and to support me through this ‘rough experience’.
“I would feel a rush of power as I masturbated to these scenes where woman were being hurt, embarrassed, mutilated. My thoughts when alone at home were always around which new category of porn I could investigate.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project guilt, blame and anger onto my ex-partner through participating in my mind as I participated in the images of pornography and what these images fueled within my mind.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take and be self-responsibility, by realizing that instead of changing the relationship construct as I had experienced it – I was now participating in the fucked up nature of what relationships and sex had become in this world.
“I went through various sites and then I came across child pornography. The sensation as I flicked through some of the images were triggered by thoughts linked to sheer vengeance towards my ex wife and the baby that she wanted to have with another man – and how she wanted what she wanted without giving me what I wanted. The child before my eyes as a victim to what I could do – became the new source of hatred I used to feed this frenzy I constantly felt around the desire to masturbate. I watched child porn while I masturbated not because I found the children attractive – but the sense power overwhelmed me. In that my mind developed new thoughts, new sensations in my body as my addiction used my rage to fuel itself. After using child pornography for years – I could no longer tell the difference between a normal sexual attraction to a woman and this link I had created between my anger and the rush I felt from watching child pornography. To me sexual pleasure was derived from my secret reality I could access on the internet.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the internet to provide me as my mind as who I had become with all the ammunition I required to fully experience a form of vengeance towards my ex-partner – not realizing that what I was in fact doing was repeating the cycle of abuse as the past which contributed to the decisions that both myself and my partner made, which contributed to the way in which we acted, which were abusive in nature.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as I turned to child pornography I had become my own memories – whereby the past moments where I experienced myself being abused by my partner, was in fact now here as a perpetual loop, through which I cycled back into abuse, being the very abuse, as I became ‘the abuser.’
Therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when the moment came for me to stop what I was doing and to stop the cycles of abuse, as I so claimed were ‘damaging to me and ‘not benefiting me’ – but instead of stopping I turned to further Abuse of others – thus indicating that it was never about me stopping the Abuse, but instead living out my design as an abuser –because I would not even change myself in the face of ‘being abused’ but in fact became an even worse abuser, than what was done to me – therefore the essence of who I really was and am – has now been revealed to me.
Therefore - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and exist as the very nature of myself all forms of abuse that has ever existed, as what has been shown to me by me, within my very actions – is that I became the worst of all - because I experience a form of discomfort and abuse – and therefore have no excuse but to realize in oneness and equality that I stand here naked before myself as ‘abuse’ – and from here can walk myself through self-forgiveness out of this point through absolute forgiveness of self. Therefore:
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that self-forgiveness is possible as me, as a living statement of who I am as I take full self responsibility for my past, present and who I will become as my future – as I realize that all creation points as character as myself are in fact here for me to see, realize and understand and self forgive – as no one did it to me – but it was me all along as I exist as part of the abuse that is currently being accepted and allowed by all. Therefore –
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to amalgamate all points here as myself as I see, realize and understand that it is not about blaming another for their ‘abuse points’, as I realize my part in the ‘greater design of abuse’ as it happens within each due to the participation in thoughts, backchat, reactions, and physical behavioral acceptances – therefore I take self responsibility for myself here as the pattern of abusive-character as I formed part of it then and now – where my memories in fact show me how I designed the character as myself.
I commit myself to make it possible for people to write out any character without fear of judgment.
I commit myself to support any person who is willing to support themselves through any character design.
I commit myself to show how the therapies that exist currently, all support the Mind as Characters - where the being is taken through steps to amalgamate themselves into a more functional character that is still dependent on polarities of good/bad, right/wrong, healthy/sick – all the words that are living expressions that lock the being into Mind Systems, where one will continue to live your life serving a polarity design of oneself instead of living here as the Physical. These Designs, perpetually reinforced through Psychology etc. exist purely to support humanity as we have become, as the characters that support the world systems. So ask yourself the question – does Science and the current Health Modalities really understand the Human Mind, or do they Support the Human as we currently exist as our fucked-upness? If Psychology and co. did anything worth while to change humanity – then firstly scientists would go hungry because no-one would sponsor and support them, because the scientists no longer create addicted, dependent, thinking, feelings humans – designed as machines that can be manipulated through the media. Secondly you would see a change in humanity – and not the mass problem we are facing called ‘The Human’ as the entirety of the ‘Human-experience’ as we exist now as a Mind that consists of Thoughts, backchat, reactions, energy, feelings, emotions, pictures, and physical behaviors – all centered around the addiction to energy and the need to please self-interest. So – we know now that current heath care professionals do in fact not change anything, but contribute to the problems in the way that they support the very mind design that consequentially has the effect of becoming the same characters that we see in billions, each day abusing Life in all forms from the obvious child pornographer – to the family man who brainwashes his child into becoming Fear due to the parents fear of death within the system, while calling this ‘Love.’
· Please realize, as I indicated at the beginning of this Child Pornography Blog, that I am here only walking two examples of Child-Pornographer-Characters. The Self-Forgiveness has also been mostly a general overview and examples based on thoughts, backchat, reactions, physical behaviors and ‘decisions’ – which make up the character point. Therefore for each who decides to walk self-forgiveness in de-constructing a specific character, self-forgiveness would be walked in detail – specific to your experiences until the self-forgiveness is done and one becomes the self-correction and change.
I suggest for those who would like to walk self-forgiveness on characters to either join us on the Demonology Forum or Desteni Forum. If you are dealing with a ‘sensitive subject’ such as child pornography and would like to write anonymously, please register on the Demonology Forum, where we allow people to register with fake names, specifically for this reason.
The next blog will be written from the character design perspective of Society and Family in relation to Child Pornography.
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