Day 203: Experiencing Trauma Part 3 | Death

Continuation from:

Day 201: Experiencing Trauma Part 1  |  The Sleepwalker

Day 202: Experiencing Trauma Part 2  | Nervous Breakdown

"Looking back at that whole situation now I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist. I remember for months I was still traumatised by the 'weather' and I remember I would over the weekends refuse to leave the house if the weather looked unstable. If I was sitting in class towards the end of the school day I would simply stare out the window at the clouds. Just watch the clouds like a monster that was slowly, painfully turning from its dark corner to pounce. I would just sit there 'praying' to the skies, to please not storm on my way home. I was petrified that a storm might break out as I was leaving the school and I had to go 'out there' where I had minimal cover while I waited for my buss. "

Note: in relation to this previous comment where I said ' I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist' - in a conversation with my mother yesterday -I was telling her that I was writing blogs about these 'childhood traumas' and asked her why they did not send me to a psychologist. She replied that they did send me to a school councilor for a few sessions and that in the end it was the councilor that said 'in time it will sort itself out' and therefore they sent me to school where the incident with the headmaster happened. So this does not instill me with a lot of confidence when it comes to child psychologists/councilors. Any way moving on -

A few weeks before my eleventh birthday I was sitting in my bedroom one afternoon doing homework and my mom walks into my room. She tells me that my father had a heart attack and is in hospital. We were planning on visiting him that evening but I found myself just getting angry instead of feeling upset or sad. By the time we got to the hospital and my sisters and mother were hugging him and crying I was like a fuming demon lol. I refused to give him a hug and I simply stood just inside the door glaring at him. I was pissed.

The next morning at 3 am my sisters wake me up to tell me that our father had died. He had 2 big heart attacks. So from there on out my experience shifted in various ways. The trauma of knowing my father was going to die had obviously taken an immense toll on my young mind. Now after my fathers death I started considering into my teenage years the reason for his death or at least contributing factors. It turned out that my father (who's heart was obviously quite weak) was under a lot of pressure at work because that morning that he had his heart attack the bank that he worked at - a whole bunch of bank employees were going to be retrenched. My father was the bank manager but did not know himself who would be retrenched and whether his own job was secure (his bank was merging with another bank). By the time he was preparing to go to work he was already having the first heart attack. My sister noticed that he was looking very pale and sweaty and asked him what was wrong, to which he replied 'nothing' and that she must please not say anything to my mother or sisters because they would just get worried. By the time he got to the bank he collapsed.

The reason why I shared this whole story with you is because this information created immense guilt within me towards my father. When I found out that he had the heart attack probably from worrying over potentially losing his job I realized that he was probably concerned for his family - to be able to provide for his wife and 4 daughters. From this I created immense guilt for being the reason why he died. Over the years I also considered that if it was not for our existing money system a man (or woman) would not have to die out of fear that they cannot provide for their family.

So, from there what developed in me was my father's depression - where I basically made the decision to 'take on' my fathers depression in 'honour of him' - yes I know it sounds weird - it so often does when we look back at the things we do and you're like 'what??' But yes I was pining myself to death in his honour - feeling his sadness from his life and my sadness for losing him. A few months after my father's death I started having strange dreams about him. The one was where I would see his coffin inside the crematory. The flames would start up and I would be trapped inside this dream watching at first the coffin then his body starting to burn. I remember inside the dream I would feel the trauma within my mind pulsing inside my mind, something which I consciously knew at all times was there but would never speak about. I was also to embarrassed to speak about it because we all tend to know that death is something that happens and it is something that you are supposed to 'get over'. Therefore, I knew that something was 'off' so to speak about the fact that I had never dealt with my fathers death and that this sadness constantly stayed with me. In the dream it would switch from him in the coffin to me - where for a few second I would be lying in the coffin feeling the heat of the flames increasing around me...

Day 201: Experiencing Trauma Part 1 | The Sleepwalker

The other day I was sitting in on an Eqafe Interview and I could completely relate to what was being discussed.

Releasing Trauma - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Part 54

During the Interview I was looking back at my own experiences around childhood traumas, specifically around the years surrounding my fathers death. I had experiences great difficulty dealing with my fathers death for 2 reasons:

Firstly the fact that I knew he was going to die years before he died - let me explain. My father was a chain smoker. He developed a heart problem which was exacerbated by smoking. After my father had his first heart attack I remember the one day I went with when my father had a doctors appointment. I cannot remember how old I was then, but basically I was asked to sit outside the doctors room and wait while they talked. They left the door slightly ajar probably so that I would still be able to see my parents, not realizing that I could hear their conversation. So basically I heard the doctor tell my father that if he carried on smoking that eventually he would die from another heart attack - his heart was that weak. So as you can 'imagine' what shock this is for a young child to hear.

This became a burden which I carried with me for many many years probably up until the ager of about 28/29 when I was able to work with the information effectively to let it go. So for years I remembered what the doctor said and this settled itself into my mind and body as a perpetual fear that my father could die any day. Of course my father who also had depression, did not seem to concern himself with the doctors warnings and continued to chain smoke, which of course confirmed to me that any minute he was going to die. I don’t know why my father carried on chain smoking the way he did, whether it was because the addiction was to strong or because he did not care. I suspect that it was a combination of both points - meaning he had depression and from my own experience as I am sure other people are able to relate once in a 'depressive mind state' you pretty much become numb to what is happening around you and thus don’t 'care' about your life or even your health. Combine that with an additive personality or an addictive substance such as what most of us have experiences at some point or another and you are bound to end up with creating physical consequences due to the abuse of some form of substance or reckless behaviour.

Over the years my fear of my father dying turned into paranoia. If for example my father would not arrive back from work at a certain time, I would start fearing the worst and imagining (paranoia) all kinds of situations and that any minute we would get a phone call from the hospital. I would spend those evenings sitting near the windows to watch and see when his car would turn into the drive way, and when it did I would obviously feel immense relief. At least he was safe and with me - at least until tomorrow. This went on for years and eventually I started to develop a paranoid personality, where I would fear things like sleeping over at my sisters apartment or going for sleep overs at a friends house. I remember whenever a friend would invite me to a sleep over, I would be struck with anxiety and would try and first make excuses to get out of it. Therefore I rarely slept over and when I did I would often start becoming to paranoid (without understanding what was happening) that I would wait until my friend would fall asleep and then I would go and sit by the window and hope that some how my mom and dad knew that I was frightened and would come and fetch me.

Eventually my paranoia turned into sleep walking, where after an evening of sleeping over at a friends house, my friend would tell me the next morning that they were woken up in the middle of the night to noises coming from the kitchen. There lol they would find me unpacking their kitchen cupboards mumbling to myself. This sleep walking also happened at home where my mom and dad would often find me wandering up and down the passage way and often when they would go to bed they would find me sitting by their bedroom door. I would of course not remember any of this the next morning...

Day 190: Family Dynamics - the drama continues! (part 3)

Continuing from:

Day 188: Family Dynamics - the drama continues! (part 1)

Day 189: Family Dynamics - the drama continues! (part 2)

The second move that I watched was very similar - I really got a good dose of American feel good drama. It is called 'The Skeleton Twins (2014)' and focuses around the relationship of a brother and sister, starting with the brother trying to commit suicide over his depression, after which the sister invites him to go stay with her and her partner. From there the story develops around his experiences - but also starts showing that the sisters life is not so perfect because again - here comes in the factor of her having affairs left right and centre and general dissatisfaction with her life, which towards the end of the movie places strain on their sibling-relationship which comes to blows and obviously towards the end in true Hollywood style they 'forgive each other' and all is good again.

Interesting, if these movies were to show 'self forgiveness' and changing Self instead of forgiving 'others' and 'moving on'- then obviously people would be bored out of their skulls and it would not be called 'entertainment' because currently our entertainment as I have indicated shows where we are within our current expression within the mind - because what entertains us shows us about what exist in each one of us. Not a pretty picture.

What stands out a lot about this second move, is how we again simply accept things, don’t question things and take life for granted. How pre-designed rules of conduct pre-determine how each person 'must' live. But what stands out clearly in both movies is that if you simply follow societal acceptable 'norms' - in the end all of these people 'secretly' rebelled against these norms and ended up causing harm to themselves and others, simply because the results of 'following' norms and acceptable behaviour had the result of for example people cheating, lying, stealing. So what came first the chicken or the egg? Meaning what came first the human as irresponsible requiring societal norms and rules, or did we as hand full of people establish rules and norms according to what appeared like normal behaviour and this has simply never been questioned. Which means that all of us are to afraid to question 'norms', are to afraid to simply say 'ok I am not happy within this relationship' or in this job etc - I want to create change for myself...' Instead we end up with things like affairs and depression and suicide - because nobody wants to change?

If we don’t change ourselves as the norms and rules and dishonesty we accept inside of ourselves but keep doing things in secret inside ourselves - then how do we ever expect for things 'out there' to get better? I mean on the surface as this movie again reminded me -we put on our best faces, pretend to be happy in our marriages etc - but behind closed doors there are whole other realities playing out for people. We are to afraid to speak up about what really exist inside of us as our secret desires and wants. Then we really act them out - but pretend we don’t. Society in 'real-time' gets harmed by what we really do to each other and ourselves -and then we claim nobody can be trusted and we continue accepting societal rules and norms! Huh?

Day 165: The Paranormal Series part 26 - Demons vs. Angels part 13

This blog is a continuation from:

Day 149: The Paranormal Series Part 13 – Demons vs. Angels part 1

Day 152: The Paranormal Series Part 14 – Demons vs. Angels part 2

Day 153: The Paranormal Series part 16 - Demons vs. Angels part 3

Day 156: The Paranormal Series part 17 - Demons vs. Angels part 4

Day 157: The Paranormal Series part 18 - Demons vs. Angels part 5

Day 158: The Paranormal Series part 19 - Demons vs. Angels part 6

Day 159: The Paranormal Series part 20 - Demons vs. Angels part 7

Day 160: The Paranormal Series part 21 - Demons vs. Angels part 8

Day 161: The Paranormal Series part 22 - Demons vs. Angels part 9

Day 162: The Paranormal Series part 23 - Demons vs. Angels part 10

Day 163: The Paranormal Series part 24 - Demons vs. Angels part 11

Day 164: The Paranormal Series part 25 - Demons vs. Angels part 12

In my previous blogs that I have done on for example serial killers or rapists or child molesters, I drew a parallel between the 'feeling' systems of these 'criminals' as they became addicted to the 'feelings' that were generated by the mind as they followed through on their actions, to the feeling systems that you and I might participate in - it all comes from the same mind systems, only difference is that a serial killer might not have the morality programming stopping him on acting out his addictions, whereas we do - and thus we act according to the rights and wrongs set out by society. But, the point is that these addictions to our 'feelings' are all from the same mind designs as base framework from which we all make our decisions. So, here one might shout at me and say 'it is just not the same thing dam you!!' Really? Have you paid attention to the slave labour trade where people work in dirty, dangerous factories for minimum wages so that you and I can go to the mall and buy excessively? Have we paid attention to the fact that each time I say to myself 'I just have to have that item' and I go and buy into consumerism, I am buying into a feeling and behind it is an entire industry that abuses people and our natural resources to feed me the end product of a possession? So how is Ted Bundy's Possession different to that of a demon, to that of the rest of humanity who become possessed by and are dictated to 'feelings'? How many people act on anger? How many of us have acted on jealousy? How many of us have acted on feelings that come up inside of us, that lead us to take action, because we believe that these feelings are real? Did Ted Bundy not believe the thoughts and feelings and urges he had were real and thus he allowed himself to follow the possession, because the outcome gave him relief and made him feel good? How many wars are fought over people's feelings? I believe god exists because I get a feeling inside my body that he is with me - therefore I will declare war on other people who 'feel' different Gods'. Mmmm fuzzy logic.

What I have come to realize over the years, as I look back at my Wicca experiences as I do when I really look at all the things I tried to do and attain, was that it was my drive for positive experiences, to feel empowered and for that ultimate desire that exist in each one of us to be a super star in my own life lol. So again, I reiterate, which I know was something that did not come through clearly in my video series, that I am not supporting one religion over another. I am sharing that I realized that all religions and the pursuit to belong to a religion from what I have come to understand, exist as a part of the inherent nature of the human to belong to something, to feel special and to create with ones mind an environment in which one can really create any reality of ones choosing. I mean in ones mind, we can really create any belief system and use small aspects based on reality to confirm that our religious belief is valid. Therefore whether one is a Satanist or Christian, it all comes down to the same factors existent within how one finds a belief system that supports ones personalities.

For example, J and I use to spend so many hours performing magic and 'raising energy'. Raising energy, basically involved us doing specific , you could say a combination between a trance, dance and meditation movements - whereby one harnesses or 'takes in' the energy from earth. Therefore we would either spend long evenings at his house 'raising energy' over candles and music, or we would do this wherever I was house sitting. House-sitting became a little job of mine, which I quite enjoyed, because it meant that I was out from under my moms feet so to speak, while earning a bit of an income, whilst having my own space to do my own things, of which Wicca was of course a large part. Especially considering that J and I would often be on the Ouija Board talking to spirits - this is definitely something that we could not do openly in front of either his parents or my mom, therefore we relished the opportunity to do so in our own 'private space'.

In 'raising energy;' - we were essentially, as the starting point of what we were doing drawing energy from the earth, for us to use in attaining or achieving outcomes that would be in our favour by castings spells and directing the energy into our spells. Therefore you could say we were participating in the same consumerist mind set as any other religion, where one partake in some form of ritual be it by doing your duty and going to church and thus appeasing a god or completing some satanic ritual - where it all came down to us trying to out do and out compete the rest of humanity, by adhering to a spiritual/religious practise which would allow us to get what we wanted in life. So the question I have been asking ever since is whether spirituality and religion in any way actually support the human more than it being another consumerist trap of finding ways to make oneself happy, because in life we just don’t get what we want, because this current money system does not allow for individual freedom of expression and thus religion provides for mystical methods and at most 'hope' through which one can bride and conjure good fortune. This is actually quite sad, if one look at it, because religion and spirituality is portrayed as an essential developmental part of the human, yet if you take a closer look you will find that it is merely about buying ones happiness as a result of our capitalistic system. I spent many hours trying to draw and manifest a better life for myself through my beliefs, my faith and the techniques I used to channel energy into my intentions (magic).

Day 145: Realising and Living my utmost potential part 2

Day 143: From Criminal to Principled Living

Day 144: Realising and Living my utmost potential part 1

To come back to the point of utmost potential and how this related to what I have written above; therefore children as myself is/were constantly bombarded by the mind’s survival mechanisms, whilst at the same time the parent is through words and mannerisms believing they are protecting the child, but what is happening is that the child is being impulsed and programmed to also like the parent survive based on fears and energy patterns.Therefore as an example, a parent might have grown up believing that for woman to survive they must appear feminine and thus attract a man with money and therefore she will have a value (money will allow her to get married which equals value and thus further produce children which again gives her value). For example, at some point I remember wearing something which caused my mom to frown and say ‘that is not very lady-like’. In that moment my mom was triggering her belief system of survival as I explained above in relation to surviving in this money system and according to the role of a woman as ‘child bearer’. This is not living our fullest potential, because you will notice it is merely a fear driven belief system which limits a woman to a label, so that we can become those value systems within our minds and once we believe this about ourselves we have ‘value’. So in the end we become energy experiences of say for example ‘valuable’ or ‘a mother’ or ‘needed’ or ‘a woman’ and therefore we are merely energy – which is determined by actions and behaviours that fuel our thinking about ‘who we are’.

Therefore, years ago when I started learning about what is behind what we as people say and do – I saw that nothing was really relevant because I could show how most things that came out of my mind had some other explanation behind it – either a fear or a desire or some state of mind which in the end would allow me to experience myself as an emotional energy such as ‘fulfilled’ for example ‘I “feel” fulfilled when my partner tells me I am beautiful’.  So for me – looking back at my childhood when I worked with what utmost potential means – brought up many memories of moments when my parents/siblings/peers/teachers/influential person, thought they were guiding me through actions or words to become my utmost potential in this world – but really it was actually just to live the limitation which we have all come to accept ourselves to be in this world – whether it is for example to sexualise ourselves for our survival, to live according to a belief system, cultural or religion ideology or to avoid fear, disappointment or loneliness.

When I realized that as humans we do not live or understand what it means to live our utmost potential due to ideas and beliefs we inflict upon ourselves as the physical – I started looking into my own history, my own beliefs about who I am and aaaalll the ideas existent within me about what I should be living. I first addressed ideas I learned from my parents, then I looked at my own pre-programmed designs – meaning the thought constructs that were automated to me, programmed into my DNA as the personalities that I would become, my mind and the physical behaviours and designs that I would experience as my body. From there I looked at what values I accepted about myself from what I have taken over from society, celebrities, music, movies, religion etc. In the end I saw and realized that obviously one can really expand yourself into any direction you want – unless of course you allow a belief system of the mind to come up and tell you otherwise. Referring back to the first point about potential I spoke about above; obviously something to consider is that there are for all of us certain strengths which we are ‘born with’ and weaknesses – and as I have learned weaknesses one is always able to assess and practically work with, meaning to see where one is able to strengthen ones weakness.  This does not mean that we will change all weaknesses into strengths – if one has broken an arm or a leg thus leading one to have a weakening of that limb – one is able to do physical exercises to stabilise and strengthen that limb – however the reality of the situating is that the particular limb/organ might always be different or weaker than the other limb  –therefore one is always working with practicality – to not create far out ideas either that we are invincible and will magically change our reality. This is a physical reality with physical matter – where certain consequences change how physical structures such as the body functions, therefore when I work with myself I always take into consideration how I am able to move myself through a perceived weakness while at the same time obviously being aware of not creating consequences in the physical due to being unrealistic. Therefore I listen to my body.

In the blogs to follow I will be writing about the other principles, which will bring in further considerations around ‘Realising and living my utmost potential’ such as self honesty, self responsibility and self forgiveness.

(Artwork by Scott Cook: https://www.facebook.com/scott.cook.56)

Day 144: Realising and Living my utmost potential part 1

This blog is a follow up from:  Day 143: From Criminal to Principled Living

“I commit myself to Live by the following principles and within my writings I will take each basic principle as placed below and write about how I have experienced my awareness/understanding of the principle, how I apply myself within the principle and how I will change that which I am not yet living fully.”

In this blog I will be walking my living and understanding of the first Principle:

1. Realising and living my utmost potential

I remember back to when I was growing up and I accepted certain limitations about myself. Some of these came from statements made by my parents, some were things I saw on the telly, or heard a teacher say or accepted because a friend or sister had accepted it about themselves. You know how children are – they are like sponges – and they are constantly taking in ideas, values, beliefs – you name it, from their surroundings and especially from impressionable characters such as their parents, siblings, best friends and other role models such as celebrities, sports heroes etc. Therefore growing up, a child is always inundated by stimulus, in the form of information – which most adults don't actually even realise they are imprinting onto children.

So firstly, what I have realized about potential is 2 things. There are physical design points which I have grown up realizing has made certain things either easier or more difficult for me to be able to move forward in life. Unfortunately ones potential in the world system is always being measured according to the old stereotypical design points such as skin colour, beauty, height, character, personality, intellect etc. For example I have on many occasions and even today actually, noticed how a woman who is attractive and has blond in her hair – gets different service from men than a woman who does not have these characteristics. Unfortunately, we might have the technology to send men into space and build robots and super machines, but at the end of the day there are still trends and practices in our society which literally come from the time of the cave man. Where men and woman will treat the opposite sex according to physical characteristics. So in the system, ones utmost potential is not some beautiful gift which comes from the stars – and contrary to what reality tv shows would have one believe where occasionally the ugly duckling wins the show purely due to her talent – unfortunately all achievements and gains won within our current societal system – has something to do with the socio-psychological dynamics linked to sex and money and power. So utmost potential in our society – I realized many years ago is very calculated. It comes down to variables – who you are, or what you look like, or your family name, or how much money you have, or which trendy university you went to or which connection you have etc. So utmost potential from the perspective of the world-system exists according to certain rules and laws and dynamics which functions at a deeper consciousness level.

The second thing I realized about utmost potential is as I mentioned above, something that is unfortunately moulded from an early age by our parents and other influential characters – whom mostly don't really even realize to what extent we brainwash and mould our children to become living examples of the reality of what we teach them. What I mean by the ‘reality of what we teach them’ I am referring to the actual mind-quantum mechanics behind how children develop while they interpret and take in the more subtle aspects of the mind and how the mind-physical relationship exists on a quantum level. As an example a parent might be saying to a child ‘you must believe in god because it has always been that way’. However what the child is picking up on an information, energetic level is much deeper than that. The child is resonantly picking up the parents fears and hopes, inequalities, self-values and the entire design behind ‘hope and sin’ – which exist behind what the parent is ‘saying’. Therefore the child too, will adapt to the thought constructs behind why a parent is telling the child to believe (for example) in a god and from there the child's Psyche so to speak also develops in alignment with how a parent has learnt to indirectly, quantumly adjust and adapt to the dishonesties and fears behind what we do, where we never speak the truth behind why we do what we do, but instead cover what we do with ideologies, belief systems and personalities that make us appear as if we are ‘ok’ and ‘coping’ and actually living our utmost potential, however when one looks inside the human from a  dimensional perspective, what is seen is a very different story. Our children are becoming recycled patterns of fear – passed down from generation to generation, taken on from the parents and peers and other ‘authorities’ – with us not really even being aware of what is happening, because we as I mentioned previously ourselves are not aware of the underlying conscious, subconscious, unconscious and quantum mind mechanism responsible for and functioning as our true nature as the mind.

(Artwork (1st Picture) by Andrew Gable: https://www.facebook.com/andrewgableartist)

Day 110: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: The Socio-Economic causes of Drug use (Part 14)

This blog is a follow up on:

Day 109: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: The Socio-Economic causes of Drug use (Part 13)



As discussed in my previous blog - when faced with a 'problem' within our society such as drug use - the 'solution' would be to really take a look behind the veil of what is presented as the current solutions - which as we have seen do not really solve anything - to get to the sustainable solutions that will end the problems instead of actually intensifying the exiting problems, into compounded consequences that will drag us head first into an Abyss of human deprivation, suffering and self abuse.


Firstly when addressing the emotion and though aspect of the individuals desire or apparent need to utilise a drug - here one would look at really addressing the 'how' and 'why' of the individuals Personality and Mental make-up. If one look at current Psychology is is designed in line with the survival of the therapist within Capitalism, and therefore therapies are firstly not designed to assist humanity to no longer be dependent on anything - it in fact and this is my second point - profits off of the humans programmed belief that we are emotional, thinking bodies that are in fact dependent on thought processes and that without generating and participating in thoughts, emotions and feelings we would not be 'alive'. So for example if one is facing drug addiction on the basis of being overwhelmed within ones emotional patterns, then Psychology would teach one better ways of balancing and coping with these polarity systems we call emotions and feelings - thus never assisting the individual to release conflicts as we have to generate new feelings to balance out exiting emotions. Where with thought patterns - we have to develop and design new thought patterns to cope with old thought patterns. In discussing how to direct oneself within stopping thoughts and learning to direct ones mind practically to no longer exist in systems of the Mind that function according to attempts at alleviating harmful thoughts - the reaction that one gets when discussing how to stop thoughts - is that of 'oh my god you want me to become a zombie'. No - what is meant by learning to stop the Mind - we are not saying you will no longer live and express yourself - we are in fact saying that the Mind as it exist now as consciousness exists only as energy systems that are dependent on polarities between positives and negatives - which move the being into action - only when and as we are faced with the energy of good and bad attached to things and people. Therefore in essence, the child is taught to become robotic as we give life, people and objects certain values, attach emotions and feelings to those objects/people and only react then for the rest of our lives in certain ways to these objects people and things. For example ironically we are taught to 'Love'. Then we are taught and teach ourselves as we grow up to love certain things and people only. Then we are taught to dislike other things and people - to the extent that we will create belief systems around these people and things - to the extend of harmful thought towards these people and things. For example we will love a partner or child or family member and have these feelings of compassion and love towards them - but feeling nothing or even discontent towards a child halfway across the world who is starving. The fact that the corporations have claimed the resourced of that country and because this child has no way of obtaining a piece of paper called money - which contain the value set by capitalism - that child cannot afford food and will thus die, slowly, painfully, in fear and constant concern for its safety, is irrelevant -because the love feeling does not 'think outside the box' so to speak and does not allow for considerations outside of the basic black and white reasoning we have come to accept as Life and 'Human Value Systems'.

This we call acceptable because nobody loves that child - because it is not my child. So love in this world is conditional to those I want to Love because it makes me feel good. Therefore emotions and feelings if one also look at others examples of how we accept and allow suffering and abuse is a systematised design around the survival of the individual and has no or little regard for life. Again referring back to my previous blog - if Jesus arrived (for real) and asked why we do not love our neighbour or do to others as we want done for ourselves - what would we say 'sorry Jesus I dont like them enough' or 'they are not my family or friends'.

themselves from an energy-reaction based system which keeps all locked in internal

So we have also seen from personal introspection that emotion and feeling systems are taught and conditioned according to self-reward or punishment systems. To learn to direct these energy systems within oneself to a direct living here in the physical - is for most a huge challenge - because since childhood we have been brainwashed to believe that we are our emotions and feelings and thought patterns and to learn to change or direct them and understand them for what they are as systems taught to us from childhood - is for most unfathomable and 'blasphemous'. The energy drops within the individual who considers learning to stop these pre-programmed systems and to live in the physical, constant, free to express self as life. The being goes into anxiety and the Mind will bring up defence systems that generate thoughts which result in the being accepting the thoughts around why to direct or stop these patterns of the mind - is unacceptable.

So within society we see most people addicted to some substance or object or action which allows us to cope with life - be it drugs, sex, entertainment, sport or a life style that allows one to cope with ones internal demons - but most will not face this and wont even admit that this is what we are really doing. We have come to accept our lives as 'screwed' basically and that there is nothing we can do about it and when solutions are presented we will fight to keep things the same, because of the very subtle protection mechanism of consciousness existent within each as excuses, justifications and reasons.

Obviously if one is 'clear-headed' you are able to stand and observe how we live, who we are, what exists within each and what we really look like inside our minds. To do this takes self-honesty and dedication to realize that who remains is me as Life, free to express and live and direct myself as what is best for all. If one fears letting go of fear - then you protect all that is broken about the human and human society - because to step over and beyond the Fear itself has thus far been to much for humanity. So, we even have people who are so fearful of living free from Fear - that they will create Hate Groups and support corporate funded hate groups, consisting of 'trolls' who will go after any person who speaks up about Human-Fear and all its Dimensions and how this is currently the driving force of human existence...



More on Trolls: 

Day 328: Noam Chomsky Quote Experiment on Quora with Anonymous

Day 332: The Ku-Klux Klan on Quora


More on Basic Human Rights and Crime:

Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)

Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

Day 108: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: The Socio-Economic causes of Drug use (Part 12)

This blog is a continuation from:

Day 96: International Crime Research: Drug use Part 1

Day 97: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 2

Day 99: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 3

Day 100: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 4

Day 101: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 5

Day 102: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 6

Day 103: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 7

Day 104: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 8 

Day 105: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 9

Day 106: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 10

Day 107: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 11


The following article and similar research documents on te internet discuss the relationships between poverty, social deprivation/pressure and drug use.

http://www.addictionsearch.com/treatment_articles/article/can-the-stress-of-life-and-the-economy-lead-to-alcohol-and-stimulant-abuse_123.html


In the previous blogs I did, I walked the Character Dimensions of one type of drug user - the social drug user who makes use of a chemical bridge to assist or suppress certain characteristics and behaviours in social situations. Using the basic formats walked within the process of self-forgiveness and introspection, you are able to see that one can take any type of drug user to identify the dimensions that exist 'behind' why the person uses/relies on drugs, to be able to support oneself through the dimensions, step by steps through the process of introspection, writing, self honesty and self forgiveness.

In this blog, I would like to discuss the economic stressors that cause drug use in people as well as an overview of how we as society are stuck on the problem where more often than not further method of drug addiction and medical/psychological dependencies are relied upon, to alleviate the underlying problems within the individual, instead of looking at what solutions would change any form of 'dependency'.

Within the current capitalistic system, we have become dependent and accepting of the 'solution' to drugs being anything that is presented which will allow another individual/company to make profit. Therefore solutions are not always really solving anything - it simply allows for a market as a product/company or individual presenting a service to present their solution at a price - therefore the problems to drug addiction for example exist as part of a cycle which supports the economy and therefore is not about solutions. This cycle is perpetually feeding the underlying stressors that all humans experience - the cause of drug addiction is based on social economic pressures and the solution is to keep the individual under pressure be it to remain trapped but to cope with their emotional behaviour patterns, or to place such an individual in debt where they now have to continue participating in the money system to pay for therapies and medications to continue living a 'drug' or -'trouble free existence'

So what do I mean when I draw this line between this cycle I indicated where we are always loop back into the capitalistic system between stress, debt and apparent solutions to 'problems' to finding solutions that stop all of these cycles from having to perpetually exist...






More:
https://eqafe.com/i/arosouw-life-review-a-drug-addict-as-mind-prophet

https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-a-steroid-fanatic

https://eqafe.com/i/arosouw-creating-heart-disease-through-fear-life-review

https://eqafe.com/i/arosouw-i-fear-missing-out-life-review

Day 105: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 9

This blog is a continuation from:


Day 96: International Crime Research: Drug use Part 1

Day 97: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 2

Day 99: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 3

Day 100: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 4

Day 101: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 5

Day 102: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 6

Day 103: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 7

Day 104: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 8



Reaction Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:

"Reaction Dimension:
Here one will Identify the reactions of emotions and feelings that ‘substantiate / animate’ the Character/Personality; what reactions of emotions and feelings, essentially did one utilize to manipulate oneself with, to fall back into the Mind/Personality instead of standing here with self in stability as Breath. Within this, we’ll use, as Personalities, specific emotions and feelings to activate specific behavioural patterns/habits to in/as this process validate why/how it is that we are a Personality and so in this attempt/try to make a Personality “more real”. Essentially saying “well, I am experiencing this and my behaviour is like that and this is who I am and so I cannot change” – when, all the while, we’re actively, within the Mind participating in creating the experiences and behaviour from the thoughts, to the imagination, to the internal conversations/backchat – sabotaging and compromising ourselves deliberately in the Mind to manifest/validate/materialize our wants, needs and desires, rather than our responsibility to ourselves, our physicals and our lives in this World.
So, to identify the Reaction Dimension is to have a look at what emotions/feelings manifested within one’s Mind in the Physical within and during the Personality Possession."

Source: http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/character-dimensions-introduction-day.html

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within perpetual cycles of emotion and feeling polarities, where I exist from day to day to live for the positive feeling experience such as joy, and to avoid the negative emotions such as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow up believing in the CONcept that who we are - are our emotions, feelings and thoughts -

within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realising and understanding for myself throughout my life, from observing my experiences, that these cycles of energetic experiences are truly not supportive of me as they by nture are uncomfortable, lead to abusive self practises and contain the being within continual struggles and depression/angst.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that emotions/feelings - once I for a moment stop participating in them, do not change me as what remains when those 'cycles' end is me consistent here as a living, breathing expressive being -

then I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see the common sense that surely it is not a system of the mind that indeed supports me, but only exists as a constant battle, a and is system that requires my understanding and directing, instead of blindly following, where I eventually accept a life around who I am as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, instead of living self responsibility in self honesty as what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop my personality from childhood into adulthood, around my emotions and feelings, whereby I live in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort I experience from allowing my own emotional patterns such as jealousy, anger, conflicted and the 'polarities' between which these points swing - which we call the seeking of the pleasures of life - which would exist as the polarity struggles between feelings and emotions such as: joy/sadness, hope/hopelessness, fear/brave, have/have not, beauty/ugly, joyful/depressed etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop my personalities in life according to winning people over with my more positive, pleasant feelings and representations of thoughts around me being a good, pleasant, fun person, instead of realising that I am not really living, I am merely learning how to manipulate my environment and those around me, to appear more pleasant and to fit into social groups - which again only exist so that I do not have to face my fear of being rejected and the fear of fear itself.

therefore,

when I realised that I am unable to maintain or avoid these emotional and feeling reactive patterns, I then attempt to avoid or accentuate these traits by using drugs, which allow me to step away from my usual personally traits - which are the 'real me' as y mind, my 'consciousness', into different characters and personalities which I have already imagined within my mind would be 'cool', 'special' and unique' and which would allow me to be accepted by the peer groups I wish to belong to.

therefore,

I realise and forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this program I have given permission to on my behalf, where I insert commands that are feelings, emotions and personality designs that act in accordance with my fear of being rejected by others,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly follow my personality designs which automatically have now used internal conversations of 'not being good enough' to direct me to the apparent 'choice' to use drugs as a solution to the conflicts I experience while in the presence of others - not realising that there is obviously a problem with either myself and the fake reality in my mind that I give more power to over the real physical reality - or that there is a problem with the social reality I participate in - either way the fact that I choose to use a drug to stand in for me as I fear these 'realities' - which are all externalisation's of me as my mind - indicates that I will abuse my physical body and he outcome my decisions have on the physical reality - to supersede 'fakeness' over what is real for my apparent 'experiences' of 'joy', 'happiness' and pleasure'. In this I have not seen and realised that these concepts of joy and happiness and specific to each person - as you will find that each human has created their own mental picture of what it would mean for us to be 'fulfilled' and 'happy' where we will manipulate the physical reality to achieve this experience of internal happiness. Using drugs is an example of where we will manipulate the physical body into a fake chemical experience of 'joy', 'happiness' and 'fulfilment'. Therefore it brings one back to the understanding that we have separated ourselves from our physical bodies as a parasite of the mind and from our physical reality - just to have 'experiences' within the mind. The physical pays the dearest price for the humans to exist in happiness bubbles in the mind...

Behavioural Dimension to continue...

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Day 103: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 7

This blog is a continuation from:

Day 102: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 6



Fear-dimension within Social-situations continued:


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fears of social situations into a future social event, thus using a drug, to supersede any fears, reactions, doubts I may have in these stressful situations, to stand in as me as strength and confidence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I will look according to how I dress, my face, body and clothing and according use drugs to forget about my social fears and self judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I will sound once I start communicating in social environments, where I have already created an idea of who I want to sound like and how I should be seen as -to others, therefore knowing that I am not really that person, I now use drugs as an intermediary tool that will support me in becoming someone else, instead of realising that this other person I want to be has nothing to do with me living effectively here in this reality, but rather has to do with supporting my mind in becoming more and more involved in the layers of the ego, where projecting myself as someone else has a higher value than who and what I become as a self honesty living being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear communicating with the other sex, as I either believe I am to good or not good enough, and therefore have created a judgment of myself my mind, which I am now unable or unwilling to overcome as the layers of backchat have already consumed me to such a point - that I am now dependent on a chemical to suppress or bring forward those aspects within me which I want to strengthen or hide.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use pornography as a distraction and illusionary representation of sexuality, which by direct implication has left me unable to understand actual physical intimacy, which results in immense anxiety within me as I now have a database of illusionary, impractical, self-abusive, secret mind images - which cause me when in the presence of the opposite sex to fear sex/intimacy as my point of reference in pornography wass never real or practical.

Thought as picture dimension:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to movie starts, celebrities, etc and in doing so have already compared myself as a picture, an idea of who I wish I could be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare me as a living, breathing being to other in my mind so extensively that the real, physical me, does not in anyway compare to the picture/thought of me in my mind -which creates friction, fear and tension, as I physically react to myself and feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this illusion of what it means to be human, thus setting the precedence for always living in constant friction and fear and never being comfortable in my own skin.

Day 102: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 6

This blog is a continuation from:


Day 101: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 5

The Fear Dimension of 'the happiness-drug-user' continued.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief to exist withon me that without the drug I am nothing, therefore,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and fear that I am nothing within this world due to the existent belief within me that if I do not match the expectations and ideas by others and through my own ideas of what it means o be 'acceptable' then I am nothing.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conclude within my life that if I have not by a certain age obtained a certain level of social standing, such as a specific career/qualification and/or job - then I am not valid in the eys of those who's opinions I respect,

therefore,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected by others and to fear the insults I perceive others are thinking 'towards me' within their minds, which is actually me thinking that about myself, which generated judgments and belies and reactions about me towards myself - which I then project onto others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being expressive in social situations, because I have already equated in my mind, that for me to accept others they have to dress a certain way, speak a certain way and have a certain life style - just like the celebrities and rich/famous/special people on tv, and therefore in my mind I judge others for not looking like the pictures in magazine and on tv shows, therefore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen in my own trap of the ultimate judgment game, where I constantly judge the human - as a picture and idea from pictures and movies, and because it is impossible to live these pictures unless you have sufficient money, I perpetually exists in inner turmoil, self hate and fear of others - because no-one around me and myself included are able to fit into and as these pictures,

therefore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created the self loathing trap, where as the middle and lower class I am always battling with my own self judgements, because the lower and middle class society brackets are always trying to look the part of 'celebrity/beauty/fashion/specialness' even though this standard for those who are unable to afford it, always results in inner turmoil and self loathing - where the entire middle class and lower income brackets are driven into the consumerism market to constantly spend money, and create debt to try and buy ourselves into the pictures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted this fear of not looking cool or special or like my fiends and therefore even though nobody wants to talk about this shared fear or not being accepted, we all simply hold onto the pictures as our safety net of self acceptance and continue to give it value as we ignore our pain and continue to move towards the pictures and ideas.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a mere picture, an idea, a formation of organic matter directed by pictures into an energy experience, which is guided and directed through the corporations to the point where I will live in debt and comparison to try and appease my fears of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept this world as one where we have to compete and try and live ourselves as the pictures we see on tv, even though in common sense I am able to see for myself that the pictures are always photoshopped and the models are always skinny and anorexic, thus showing me that the 'representatives' of 'life' as we 'know it' are misshapen, dysfunctional, ill and a lie to drive the consumer to spending money no matter what.

to be continued...


More reading: The Encryption of Systems (Part One)

Day 99: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 3

This blog continues from:

Day 97: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 2 

The causes are those aspects of our current reality that no person, that I have met thus far really, actually wants to face or even change. In the documentary they also speak about this point quite clearly - where most people understand that to go against the systems that cause the suffering and discomfort which are the real reasons behind why we do what we do such as the use of drugs, and the obsession with entertainment, celebrities and the self image created through the media - to go against these 'causes' could cost you your comforts in Life and your health and safety. We are constantly bombarded with images of America etc bombing countries that dared go against the ultimate force - and we constantly see CNN-type images of protester beings shot, set on fure etc - and how their choice of 'standing' mostly costs them their lives - and within the quantum Mind (how the mind really functions at a quantum level) we process and decide to not 'fuck' with these system that could discriminate and hurt us if we stepped out of line. Each person just wants to actually live a nice, fun live and therefore the idea for most of giving that up to be a revolutionary or an activist, seems like... hard work and potential pain and suffering. So, why bother - it is not my generation that will see the end of this debacle we see unfolding before us.

The causes behind drug use:

As discussed in part 1 and 2, the reasons given for drug use, which have become globally acceptable, are always the acceptable sounding reasons, which leave all of humanity, either stunned in hopelessness as we watch how people use chemicals to forget about their life experiences, or a sense of awe or respect that this individual has found some freedom to express him/herself within life by using the drug to party or seek spiritual enlightenment. It has become almost a taboo topic, to question drug use, as it is now seen as a comfort zone for those who get trappled by the system we have created or an outlet, for those brave enough to insert a chemical into their bodies. It is the era of 'coolnes' to step beyond human fears and use substances to improve ones experience.

The same goes for alcohol use, governments and corporation make tons of money of the alcohol industry therefore even though alcohol is responsible for countless deaths a year, no government is willing to place a ban on alcohol as this is the prerogative of capitalists to make money - no matter what. The public consensus is that alcohol provides any person with a bit of money in the wallet with a weekend escape - a way to feel better about one's life, even though your life is not really better - so humanity - as the strange beings we have accepted ourselves to be - have all agreed that instead of sorting out our reality - so that our children dont have to gro up and become drug addicts - we rather leave things as they are, under the false hope that 'one-day' things will go better'. Shame - generation after generation humans are born into the same lives - where we all at some point or another experience emotional, physical or financial turmoil to the point where most adults are addicted to some form of substance reliance - and yet - we still cling onto the hope that miraculously somehow it will get better for us - like living in a lottery where one day things will change for me. The fact that there are billions of other 'mes' also hoping for the same thing and also therefore standing the same minuscule chance of having their lives turn around - means that the chance of 'me' really having a better live is really small. We all stare at pictures of celebrities and hope that we will one day be that person - but we wont you see - the celebrities and elites are specifically in those roles only because they are the minority which exist in positions within society where they have that one small thing no-one else has - which is the whole reason why the polarity of rich/poor exists.

Nobody wants to see this polarity system we have come to call life - and the harm that it really causes. We are constantly in internal battles fighting with ourselves and others to compete with and win the spot of celebrity and elitist - we do not see that human life on this planet - has become a race to have more money than others - with the comparison and motivation point being those who live in absolute poverty and die each day in fear and discomfort. According to the laws of Capitalism for example which has become the law of human life - to succeed and to prosper as a human, you have to gain and you have to 'better yourself' as in 'have more than others'. Even spirituality - has become an energy equivalent of the 'richness' of spirit, a race throughout ones life to be better than other souls and to appear better to ones adversaries because one has apparently obtained some higher consciousness or ability. This is all the game of money and capitalistic-energy exchange where either one has devoted ones life to obtaining more money than others - which results in the comforts one would call 'a heavenly/blissful existence' - or one then would seek out the more spiritual-energetic experience - where one claims to devote ones life, not to monetary riches, but to the riches of character and of the soul - all of it make believe concepts conjured up through Capitalists to sell products through the media to the wanting human, using feelings and emotions and ideas of happiness to lure all humans through our greatest desires. Once you have been caught on the hook of Capitalism, which if you dare to be self honesty you will see, as I have - that there are millions and millions of various types of hooks one would become enchanted with - just like the fish in the water who look through the murkiness, to identify their one pretty picture, the shape or colour of the bait that they have been programmed to respond to and in a moment the fish changes into the prey - the one that will swim towards the bait, wishing for that morsel - fearing that its live could be in danger if this is a trap - but non the less being compelled by a hunger in that moment for that specific type of bait.

The human Capitalistic drive is and has always been the same - triggering human responses through our base design of addictions to feelings, emotions and experiences that just like a drug - brings us closer to 'energy-happiness' - therefore from our youth we are taught that happiness has its price and that happiness is connected to how one lives and how you design your life within this world, while competing with others and the only way to have what others do not have, allowing one to feel happy, is to outshine other humans by buying ones 'betterness' in the form of whichever brand or item would give one the experience of happiness/status. These concepts we live by as consumers, have really become the pinacle and cornerstone of human existence - to live for and as consumers and through this to purchase our lifestyles which contains numerous items and experiences which give us pleasure and the feeling of fulfilment. Even something as simplistic as buying the next best big screen tv - more often than not has very little to do with any practical consideration about the requirement of a 'big screen tv' - it has to do with an energetic charge linked to the masturbation system of the mind - whereby after purchasing ones new exuberant item, we experience a sense or relieve and sense of completion and happiness at having this newest, 'bestest' item which others do not have - thus giving one the false experience of gratitude to life and within ones life - but who and to what are we really grateful for?

We live to survive in varying degrees - from day to day hand to mouth survival - to the survival of the fittest humans with the competing life styles - either way in itself, this 'survival' drive of the human - has also become our worst enemy one could say - and this we are seeing in the reality of how many people are really addicted to substances that allow them to suppress, forget and hide how they really experience themselves - be it the rich, the poor, the successful business man/woman, the emotional teenager or the happy spiritual types - the question is what are the causes behind why a society that proclaims to 'love life' are escalating in the use and abuse of drugs?