This is a continuation from:
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-10-international-crime-research.html
Self-Forgiveness Part 3:
Bipolar Disorder and Irritability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritable as a reflection of how I allow backchat to influence me as hidden judgments based on likes and dislikes towards myself, others and my environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that irritation is my natural right, regardless of the fact that I create a world of inner conflict which flows over into outer conflict – all because each person believes they have the right to exist in irritation and to act out our irritation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritable towards myself because I believe that my actions are not good enough, not fast enough and in danger of being judged by others – which all comes from the poison I was taught during my childhood by parents and teachers, until I become Bipolar in my reactions – where I would attempt to act happy and effective while fearing failure – which created a Bipolar reaction and loop within my mind at all times, within all situations, in varying degrees.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea to exist within me that to do well in life I have to use irritation as a state of mind and an energetic possession to motivate myself, through fear of loss to become a more functional drone, like the rest of society who use judgment and irritability towards self and others to push ourselves to perform.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy irritation I saw in others, and became that irritation simply because I allowed the belief that what other adults did was valid and a natural part of ‘growing up’.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all thoughts based on irritation exists simply from the starting point of self-interest, as it protects the individual and the ego, with no regard from what would be best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing irritation to exists as my secret warfare within how I would justify and
execute my words and deeds towards others – as an accumulation effect within allowing backchat over days and weeks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use irritation – instead of effectively directing myself and others, due to fear of arguments, and
fear of disapproval – therefore using anger and an irritated tone to move and push others into action – not realizing that I am paving the way for abuse and eventually war as a ‘natural way of resolving conflict’ to exist in this world because I allowed it within my world as a ‘way of directing my world.’
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the patience and understanding of myself, to move and direct myself within effectiveness, but instead to allow societal rules and fears around money and personal value – to be my starting point from which I used irritation to direct me instead of self movement within breathing, here
equal and one as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation from myself, through allowing a mind state of irritation to develop, through which I generate abusive thoughts and tendencies such as irritation – which is backed up with destructive self-abusive thoughts and backchat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a separate reality to exist within me as a pocket of hateful thoughts, which I use in moments of irritation to move and generate movement within myself as an energetic experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design Bipolar Disorder, due to my participation in the reality and construction of irritation as mentioned above, which has its polar opposite reaction of then attempting to move myself through happiness and expansiveness to alleviate the irritation and self-hate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the design of Bipolar disorder due to the punishment and reward system, which cycles around irritation followed by the search for happiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Bipolar Disorder to exist, based on the cycle of Backchat which functions according to the judgments I have of others and myself, after which I will force myself to seek excitement to dull the experience of perpetual backchat running in the background.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a parent to teach children to try and avoid punishment as ‘parental irritation’ by looking for ways to falsely please the parent – while I as parent present contradictions as an example in the way that I live – thus perpetuating the cycle of self abuse that children become, because of them knowing and realizing that to survive in the family system and then the world you have to judge through irritation and then seek happiness to avoid inner conflict and pain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the above mentioned patterns to become the behavior of the children and future generation as an acceptable form of Bipolar Disorder, in which children learn how to use emotions and feelings to manipulate themselves, their parents and others to provide them with responses that will alleviate and perpetuate their inner battle with Bipolar Disorder.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing emotions and feelings to become the basis from which I have designed Bipolar Disorder, simply because I have not taken self-responsibility for my thoughts, actions and behaviors, which are the outflows and manifestations of my mind – which manifests according to the true nature of myself as an energy based mind system, which uses conflict to fuel my mind -as it keeps me – the being going – in a world of abuse and conflict which I have come to accept as ‘normal human behavior’ – while looking at the skies for a solution and blaming others for doing exactly that which I do as well, but justifying it through religion, groups, family, society, cultures, individuality, freedom of expression and intellect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Bipolar Disorder to be designed through me as I imprint into myself as my mind the ‘tendencies’ and personality traits of irritation, which I alleviate through finding reasons to elevate my mood and expand into a more complex
personality, which finds more intricate ways to fuel Bipolar Disorder.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Bipolar Disorder to be designed through and within me as I create relationship lines through my mind to others and my environment, thus creating a world to which I can react in irritation or use to alleviate my mind – thus creating the consumerism, while giving permission to all forms of abuse in this world – simply because I am already in my own pattern of self abuse and do not want to change a world that I secretly know – using common sense exist to fuel my inner conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this cycle of abuse to continue to allow me to exist ion my pattern of Bipolar Disorder not caring for the consequences in my world and the abuse that others suffer as the become the victims of my Bipolar Disorder. That is why nobody really feels the pain from seeing all the abuse in the world, because we are the system that feeds from the role that others play, so that we can play our roles within accepting ourselves as Bipolar Mind Energy Systems.
Further reading Support:
Day1: Reaction Games
Day50: Thought as God and Origin
Howthe Fruit of Life became Rotten – Part One: Day 18
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How I experienced being around even disgruntled demons, which in itself was, especially for a spiritually sensitive person like myself - intense - meaning where I could experience the 'emotions' so to speak of the spirit - this was still easier for me than the emotional and mental games played by and between us humans in society. Mostly, because there I could sit very still on my bed with my ouija board and the 'chaos' so to speak would occur around me, but not to me. You could say I became desensitised to the chaos that the spirit world could bring. I mean, in the beginning J taught me about demons, where after introducing me to guides and spirits connected to wicca on the ouija board, he asked me if I was ready to communicate with demons. This initially was somewhat nerve wrecking as bot of us could actually feel the wind move past our faces as the beings whipped through the air. We could feel them touching our faces with either icy cold or hot sensations. We could hear them whispering in our ears and we could experience, as I mentioned, their emotional states as they moved also from calm one moment to agitated the next. Initially for me (and for J he admitted) this was unsettling, but as J assured me, our 'guides' would not allow the demons to harm us and would make sure after a while, when we were done communicating, that the demons would leave. This was explained to me as something that was not always the case for people who simply used the ouija board, but did not have any 'protection', where once they were done and they asked the demons to leave, the demons would say 'bi-bi' but then still hang around and cause problems later on...
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