Day 202: Experiencing Trauma Part 2 | Nervous Breakdown

Continuation from:

Day 201: Experiencing Trauma Part 1  |  The Sleepwalker

These blogs are based on the following Interview:

Releasing Trauma - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Part 54

"Eventually my paranoia turned into sleep walking, where after an evening of sleeping over at a friends house, my friend would tell me the next morning that they were woken up in the middle of the night to noises coming from the kitchen. There lol they would find me unpacking their kitchen cupboards mumbling to myself. This sleep walking also happened at home where my mom and dad would often find me wandering up and down the passage way and often when they would go to bed they would find me sitting by their bedroom door. I would of course not remember any of this the next morning…"

Then In school I had a nervous breakdown: what happened was that a school bully turned his attentions onto me for months. Eventually my mind tried to cope with this experience and projected it outwards onto something else I could be afraid of. I mean if I look back at it now, a child who was relatively stable probably would have been ok, but my mind was very inverted, very unsure and it was as if my platform within my mind for being able to handle stress was simply not there or simply had no stable foundation. Therefore I started developing an intense fear of thunder storms - yes you heard me thunder storms. I remember one day my mom was late picking me up from school and when she did arrive hours later I was completely alone, no other child or car anywhere to be seen. I was standing on the side walk in front of the school sopping wet afraid that my mother was not going to pick me up. The fear of abandonment, of a parent going away was so fresh in my mind that this moment where my mother was late sent me into a new trauma which obviously my mind could not deal with. My mother finally arrived and off we went. On our way home due to all the rain and flooded roads our car broke down. Some people stopped and gave us a lift to their house where we waiting for my father to fetch us. My father took a very long time to come and fetch us (was probably only an hour but to me it felt very long) and I remember in my mind I was worried that he would not arrive or at least wondering 'why it was taking so long'. This whole dynamic really messed with my young mind - it was slowly unbalancing me.

The next day I wake up and it is cloudy outside. As I get up and prepare for school a weird kind of panic sets into my young mind and body and my mind starts explaining that I cannot go out into the rain. I told my mom but knew that she would not understand so also told her that I was not feeling well. The next day the same thing happened where I woke up and even though it was sunny I was completely paralysed with fear. My mother tried persuading me to go to school but I started crying hysterically mumbling about the weather and storms and that I just could not go out there. My mom and dad let me stay away from school for a few days and then realised they had a problem. Each morning they would try and coax me out of the house and I would literally grip onto the door frame and cry, begging them to not let me go 'out there where it might storm'. Eventually my parents saw a day when it was sunny and they convinced me probably with presents or something to get in the car so that they could take me to the doctor.

The doctor asked me some questions about what was going on in my life, in school and cleverly steered the conversation in the correct way to find out that a boy in my class had been bullying me for a few months. The school was contacted and the boy was removed to another class. Now the next step was to get me to the school 'councillor'. I don’t think this councillor was a councillor. It was simply the headmaster who stood as that role and pretended to know what a child needed. I am sure we all have some stories of people in the education or child care fields who really don’t know what they are doing and try and treat children according to their own frame of reference or some old school psychology method from the 1950's which would be found in the same textbooks as 'How to perform a Lobotomy'.

Anyway after speaking to me for a while and trying to tell me that everything was 'ok' he then said to me ok I am now going to say goodbye to my parents and go to my classroom. Of course complete fear overtook me and I immediately went and clung to my parents. Some how (cannot remember clearly) he gets me away from them and tells them to leave. Now I am in a complete state of panic and feel like my entire mind is collapsing in on itself. My parents start leaving and I remember just thinking of how to get to them, to not let them leave without me. I lie to the headmaster and tell him that I am ok but I just wanted to say bye to my parents properly. He agrees and I dash off crying like a mad thing, clinging like a monkey to my mom's dress. I am begging them not to leave me. At this stage my mother is crying because now she does not know what to do and the headmaster (realising he had been duped by a little kid) pulls me away from my mother picks me up and carries me in the opposite direction. As soon as my parents are out of sight he puts me down and tries to explain to me that I need to go to class. Shit I was completely beside myself. I beg and plead and I think at some stage I even threated him for 'taking him away from my parents' lol like he was some kidnapper. Anyways he was not going to be duped twice so he just said he is taking me to my class and there everything will be ok. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and off we go - me crying and begging and screaming for all the world to hear. We get to just outside the class room and he puts me down.

Now my hysteria has subsided to at least just a cry, because now I know my class mates are just inside and can hear me plus I am getting very tired. He opens the door slightly and asks for the teacher to come out and he explains to her what has happened and that she must please take me in and help me get settled. Shame I tried to explain to her my dilemma and that she please needs to let me go to my parents but she did not fall for it lol. Anyways she leads me into the classroom and even though I was still crying and felt completely constricted with panic - all that was stopping me now from complete hysteria was all of these faces starring at me. The teacher tactfully explains that I was not feeling well and that they must all please be nice to me and make me feel welcome. She explained that they were actually in the middle of a test, but that she would help me. So she sat next to me and would ask me the question and whether I would get them right or wrong she would fill in the correct answers and made sure I passed the test.

Looking back at that whole situation now I again cannot fathom why these people did not send me to a child psychologist. I remember for months I was still traumatised by the 'weather' and I remember I would over the weekends refuse to leave the house if the weather looked unstable. If I was sitting in class towards the end of the school day I would simply stare out the window at the clouds. Just watch the clouds like a monster that was slowly, painfully turning from its dark corner to pounce. I would just sit there 'praying' to the skies, to please not storm on my way home. I was petrified that a storm might break out as I was leaving the school and I had to go 'out there' where I had minimal cover while I waited for my buss.

Day 201: Experiencing Trauma Part 1 | The Sleepwalker

The other day I was sitting in on an Eqafe Interview and I could completely relate to what was being discussed.

Releasing Trauma - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Part 54

During the Interview I was looking back at my own experiences around childhood traumas, specifically around the years surrounding my fathers death. I had experiences great difficulty dealing with my fathers death for 2 reasons:

Firstly the fact that I knew he was going to die years before he died - let me explain. My father was a chain smoker. He developed a heart problem which was exacerbated by smoking. After my father had his first heart attack I remember the one day I went with when my father had a doctors appointment. I cannot remember how old I was then, but basically I was asked to sit outside the doctors room and wait while they talked. They left the door slightly ajar probably so that I would still be able to see my parents, not realizing that I could hear their conversation. So basically I heard the doctor tell my father that if he carried on smoking that eventually he would die from another heart attack - his heart was that weak. So as you can 'imagine' what shock this is for a young child to hear.

This became a burden which I carried with me for many many years probably up until the ager of about 28/29 when I was able to work with the information effectively to let it go. So for years I remembered what the doctor said and this settled itself into my mind and body as a perpetual fear that my father could die any day. Of course my father who also had depression, did not seem to concern himself with the doctors warnings and continued to chain smoke, which of course confirmed to me that any minute he was going to die. I don’t know why my father carried on chain smoking the way he did, whether it was because the addiction was to strong or because he did not care. I suspect that it was a combination of both points - meaning he had depression and from my own experience as I am sure other people are able to relate once in a 'depressive mind state' you pretty much become numb to what is happening around you and thus don’t 'care' about your life or even your health. Combine that with an additive personality or an addictive substance such as what most of us have experiences at some point or another and you are bound to end up with creating physical consequences due to the abuse of some form of substance or reckless behaviour.

Over the years my fear of my father dying turned into paranoia. If for example my father would not arrive back from work at a certain time, I would start fearing the worst and imagining (paranoia) all kinds of situations and that any minute we would get a phone call from the hospital. I would spend those evenings sitting near the windows to watch and see when his car would turn into the drive way, and when it did I would obviously feel immense relief. At least he was safe and with me - at least until tomorrow. This went on for years and eventually I started to develop a paranoid personality, where I would fear things like sleeping over at my sisters apartment or going for sleep overs at a friends house. I remember whenever a friend would invite me to a sleep over, I would be struck with anxiety and would try and first make excuses to get out of it. Therefore I rarely slept over and when I did I would often start becoming to paranoid (without understanding what was happening) that I would wait until my friend would fall asleep and then I would go and sit by the window and hope that some how my mom and dad knew that I was frightened and would come and fetch me.

Eventually my paranoia turned into sleep walking, where after an evening of sleeping over at a friends house, my friend would tell me the next morning that they were woken up in the middle of the night to noises coming from the kitchen. There lol they would find me unpacking their kitchen cupboards mumbling to myself. This sleep walking also happened at home where my mom and dad would often find me wandering up and down the passage way and often when they would go to bed they would find me sitting by their bedroom door. I would of course not remember any of this the next morning...

Day 161: The Paranormal Series part 22 - Demons vs. Angels part 9

This blog is a continuation from:

Day 149: The Paranormal Series Part 13 – Demons vs. Angels part 1

Day 152: The Paranormal Series Part 14 – Demons vs. Angels part 2

Day 153: The Paranormal Series part 16 - Demons vs. Angels part 3

Day 156: The Paranormal Series part 17 - Demons vs. Angels part 4

Day 157: The Paranormal Series part 18 - Demons vs. Angels part 5

Day 158: The Paranormal Series part 19 - Demons vs. Angels part 6

Day 159: The Paranormal Series part 20 - Demons vs. Angels part 7

Day 160: The Paranormal Series part 21 - Demons vs. Angels part 8

"Therefore when I received this welcoming from J's guides - I decided to follow this positive energy experience. J and I started spending more and more time together and the more I spent time with him, obviously the more irritated my already prone to irritation lol mother became and the more I wanted to avoid her. Obviously this caused me to both stay away more from home and also to focus all of my minds attention on my new found spirituality, to not have to admit that I actually felt afraid, humiliated and 'done in'."

From there J started introducing me more and more to magic and spell casting. We started out with the more innocent types of spell casting (white magic), where for example one would cast spells for good fortune, love, money, protection etc. But as time went by lol, we progressed more and more into 'the dark side' Ok it was not that serious - get the picture of dead cats and sacrificed babies out of your head. Basically how it all started was as follows: both J and I were living with our parents. He was diagnosed years before with depression due to a chemical imbalance and was medically excused from having to work in the system. He had spent a month or so in a psychiatric hospital when this chemical imbalance was detected, and was then released as an 'out patient', where the condition was that he would come back every 2 weeks to see a psychologist and stay on his medication. His parents initially were ok with this, but as time went by they obviously started resenting the fact that he slouched around the house al day, doing minimal work and blatantly would brag at any opportunity he could get, especially to any Christian visitor how he was a wiccan and had guides etc etc.

So being a Christian family - they firstly tried to accommodate his religion, but obviously there were certain points where the 2 belief systems would clash and J would meet them head on with a 'don’t you speak to me like that' attitude and then the parents would get angry and so forth. So what I picked up from the word go was that his parents had a tolerance level which J would at times step over deliberately, in an attempt as he would explain it to me, to show Christians that Wiccans also deserve the same respect and opportunities to express themselves, which Christians had been give unconditionally, due to Christianity becoming the standardised religion in many parts of the world and especially South Africa since 'back in the day'. To top that off J was gay and not just gay, he would flaaaunt it. He had long blond hair and was quite feminine, sooo if you add that to the fact that he would push any christian's buttons with his 'I am a witch' talk - and obviously you would end up from time to time, with friction developing in their house.

So both J and myself would confide in each other when we had arguments with family and from there our magic started developing from 'white magic' which as I explained above as the 'innocent'

type of spell casting, to 'grey magic' where we would cast spells to 'bounce' what people did, back to them. LOL. Anyways so basically this meant that if somebody was mean to us or would try and hurt us etc, we would cast a spell so that whatever they did to us would go back to them 3 TIMES!! As I said, looking back now I can giggle about these things, because seriously it shows me, how religion shows firstly how effective the human imagination is in created our own self interest, but to also be able to live out and express all the nasty, thoughts and emotions that we have towards each other and ourselves, while supressing our fears of each other, but under the guise of 'spirituality, or 'religion'. Makes it all sound so plausible and innocent when you are getting away with all kinds of shit in your mind towards yourself and others...

Day 76: International Crime Research: The Psychology of Crimes Against Life: Heuristics Part 2

This blog is a continuation from: 

Day 74: International Crime Research: The Psychology of Crimes Against Life: Heuristics Part 1

 In the previous blog,  I walked the Thought dimension on the Representativeness Heuristic. Next I walk the Imagination and Internal Conversations/Backchat/Voices in the Head Dimensions.

Imagination Dimension - Definition: "In this Dimension one’s Mind will wander off in imagining doing/seeing/creating all sorts of different things/experiences – it’s essentially the dimension/domain within the Personality that the Personality will use to ‘motivate’ one’s decision from Reality into and as the Mind."
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/character-dimensions-introduction-day.html

Imagination Dimension: Seeing myself wearing cool clothes, having a cool, intelectual demeanor and therefore attracting the type of friends that make me feel good about myself as when I am with them I feel cool and pleased with myself and who I have become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a separate reality within my mind, within which i may create this scenarios and fake realities, which are separate from my actual reality I exist within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this separate reality by placing into it layers and layers of desires, comparisons to other people, conflicts, emotions, feelings, hopes and secret wants - to within this get to live out these hidden desires/wants/needs - so that I do not have to be self honest about what lies underneath these wants/needs/desires - which are always based ion not accepting self for who and want aself is, but through time to 'give into' peer and societal pressure, through which I manipulate myself into believing that I am not good enough and need to be something more or something different -after which society/others will accept me, which means I can accept myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to completely de-value and invalidate myself, by moving away from myself as one and equal with this physical body and myself as part of the physical reality - by running away from what I am facing as what I am allowing my situation to become - by rather giving into the situation and 'becoming something else by first preparing the point within my mind, where through imagination I am changing me into what I believe with please others, so that from there I may already possess myself into this energy experience of 'being cool' - so that from there I will mask my outer reality with this mental possession energy experience of 'coolness'.

I commit myself to, as and when I am faced with any picture movement, as imagination playing out, to stop participating in the scenario in my mind, whereby I will stop the existence of imagination, as I align myself to my physical and what is required for me by me to exist within and support my physical body.


Internal Conversations/Backchat/Voices in the Head  - Description: "This is where one would have conversations with oneself as a Personality in the Mind. Thus, Internal Conversations/Backchats would come up/manifest as words, sentences, short statements that can vary in length/intensity."
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/character-dimensions-introduction-day.html

Internal Conversations/Backchat/Voices in the Head: 'I am going to give myself a total make-over and wear the stuff that famous hollywood people wear. I am sure if I do this then I will be recognized by others as being cool."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create internal conversations through which I support myself into this illusionary belief world of who I am as a picture and as energy.


I commit myself to stop participating in talking to myself through internal conversations, whereby I go around in circles around an issues which is always based on attempting to win or attempting to convince myself of the validity of the reality within my mind, instead of immediately looking at a point and using common sense practicality to observe what would be the best outcome or solution within that situation and within this I commit myself to stop the energy-mind relationship which exists as a survival mechanism of the mind, whereby I have become separated from myself as a physical being, into an illusionary energy being that exists only inside the Mind, and which exists to survive according to its energy needs, regardless of the abuse that we allow in this reality due to us chasing the mind-energy experience, which will overlook the consequences to the physical, to have its energy addicted experience.

Art by: Damian Ladesma

Day 69: International Crime Research: Serial Killers, Mass Murderers and Sociopaths Part 6

This blog is a continuation from:

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-64-international-crime-research.html#

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-65-international-crime-research.html

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-66-international-crime-research.html#

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/11/day-67-international-crime-research.html

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/11/day-68-international-crime-research.html

Background info: if ave not been walking the Crimes Journey to Life blogs since the beginning - please read the following blog where I explain the how and why I walk this series as 'Crime's Journey to Life':

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/05/day-8-international-crime-research-bi.html

The Serial Killer Mind:
The Case of Jeffrey Dahmer

My Self-Forgiveness will be based on the main points taken from the following article:

The Case of Jeffrey Dahmer: Sexual Serial Homicide from a Neuropsychiatric Developmental Perspective

Fantasies and Imagination

"The role of sexualized fantasies appears to be important in JD’s development as a serial killer because from an early age he was already internally preoccupied with bodies and body parts and later with their sexual nature, a finding that is consistent with previous investigators who think that pervasive fantasy formation has a decisive role with sexual crimes by both adult and adolescent perpetrators. The advantage of the AD (Asperger’s disorder) paradigm lies in that it provides a better explanation regarding the origin of sexual fantasy as an antecedent in serial killing behavior, namely that intrinsically AD tends to promote isolation, resulting in a relative inability to test fantasy formation against the backdrop of the surrounding social world.This pervasive mental isolation may place some AD adolescents at significant risk for developing idiosyncratic and violent fantasies that, unchecked by external social controls, can lead to homicidal ideas and actions. The violent behaviors and other antisocial activities displayed by children with features of AD appear to be more closely related to their fantasy life than to adverse environmental circumstances.

The identification of AD as a decisive factor in the genesis of sexual serial homicide in the JD case may well represent a psychiatrically, criminologically, and biologically relevant paradigm of substantial heuristic and practical value because it may provide a unifying explanation of sexual serial killing behaviors that integrate neuropsychiatric, behavioral, and developmental levels of organization for at least a subset of sexual serial killers. Arguably, the foremost advantage of the proposed pervasive developmental disorder paradigm for serial sexual killing behavior is that it may provide a central insight into the specific psychological causes for serial killing in association with specific underlying neurobiological events.  

In contrast, most typologies for the causation of serial killing behavior strongly rely on sexual motives as well as a need by the perpetrator to control the victims. Egger addresses this issue when he states, “It may simply be (as the author is beginning to believe) that the serial killer’s search to gain control over his or her own life by violence and sex and to control and dominate others is the central and causal factor in the development of the serial killer”."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a sexual-fantasy world, where what I participate in, with regards to sexual-interactions has nothing to do with reality, but merely exists as moments in time as pictures, programmed into my imagination, for my own personal use.

I commit myself to stop using fantasies, which take me away from my physical body and this physical existence, where 'I' am responsible for myself, as my words and deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that 'my imagination is harmless' or 'my imagination exists within me therefore it cannot be wrong' - without ever stopping to consider that all parts of the external world already exists within me as my mind-reality - and this I am able to prove by noting down all thoughts I have had throughout my life and asking others to do the same, therefore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be 'ok' with the external imagination reality, where we manifest into physical actions that which happens firstly within the mind of each human - where we have until now not realized and considered how the external happens because we as the human make it happen through speaking and acting out what happens firstly - 'in the mind'

Therefore I realize and forgive myself for accepting and allowing a fantasy reality to exist within me, where I get to live out the rapist, the abuser, the harmer, the angry one, the jealous one, the vengeful one etc - but judge others who take these same thoughts we as humanity have all given permission to, and live it into physical action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a world where I judge others who physically act out or speak out their fantasies, where I would rather have such a person cling onto immense self control by being like me - where I contain the fantasies in my mind without acting on it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this inner demonic reality, where i know that in my thoughts I have told myself and 'spoken to others' about controlling our human urges and not acting on them - whereas I realize that this is deception, because it indicates that we are still the abusers, but do so through imagining the acts, which still allow us to experience the energetic release of 'performing the acts in our mind'

therefore,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that whether I am physically acting out the fantasies or whether I am doing it in my mind -it is all about the energy that is generated as the act is fulfilled, where I feel that rush of energy move through my body, leaving me feeling 'satisfied.'

therefore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny all this time, that I had been abusing others in my mind and for not even seeing that I was doing this, yet judging all along, those who get the energetic experience from doing it physically.

I commit myself to show how energy is the reason why we act physically and participate in thoughts and deeds - and that the starting point of participating in the internal conversations is and has always been about the experience of energy - therefore

I commit myself to show how the inner working of the mind merely exist as one aspect of this physically manifested reality - and is most certainly not separate from this physical reality - because all abuse that happens externally, in the world happens inside first - as a person first makes a decision before acting - therefore

I commit myself to show how the person who acts out their decisions are no different than the person who role plays the scenario in their mind - to in the end follow the scenario through to conclusion which is the energetic release or experience of the energy.

Therefore I commit myself to show that as a being who exists within a physical body within a mind - we are all, always subject to firstly thinking about what we want to do, which involves various 'dimensions' such as pictures, memories, internal conversations and motivations such as fear - then for those who are confident enough or find themselves 'pushed to the edge' within the mind where they becomes possessed within the energy build up - will find themselves acting on the above mentioned mind-aspects.

Therefore I commit myself to share how each are able to stop the abusive nature that the human has become, by clearing out the mind-clutter as systems of thinking that we have developed that grasp moments and turn them into full on battalions of mental action, where we survive against others and situation within the mind - based always on fears and desires - which is self-interest.

I commit myself, when as as I find myself building this scenario in my mind called thinking or back-chatting - to stop, breathe and realize I am now creating myself into and as an abuser and that the solution is always to look clearly at common sense, practical, self honest solutions to situations - that can be used by all, equally as it serves always what is best for all.