Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Day 189: Family Dynamics - the drama continues! (part 2)

Continuing from:

Day 188: Family Dynamics - the drama continues! (part 1)

So basically this move starts out with estranged, pissed off, resentful family members coming together because of a dying fathers wish` and then for the 7 days that they 'mourn together' these family members bicker and fight and at times physical climb into each other. So my first question was why sit in a room with people you dislike (they even admit that they do not like each other) all for a man who is dead? Here obviously the belief exists that a dead person is now siting in some afterlife holding you accountable for whether you follow through on his wishes or not. Does this change the fact that while he was alive the family were distant and angry with each other? No of course not - it does not change the circumstances before the man died and certainly did not change the way that the person died (usually from some disease like Cancer). So again a belief directed people instead of us directing ourselves.

Ok so now one would argue that the family were driven to communicate and try and sort out their issues because of the circumstances around the fathers death. Yes but why must we as human beings apparently wait until we emotionally manipulate ourselves into changing - because that is what we are doing if a persons approaching death is the reason for us to do something.

Therefore this story shows us how self absorbed we are as human beings and how we are driven by guilt and fear and resentment and tradition - which shows that this is what we are as the essence of ourselves.

Ok so now the family are together and they are in the room for 10 mins and the fighting starts. Is this how we 'honour' the memory of a dead person - with our emotional turmoil that takes precedence -again showing the layers of self interest that exist as the human. I mean why do we then do these types of ceremonies if all we are there to do is take center stage with our emotion al turmoil?


Now as the story unfolds - you see that each person is trapped in some form of a drama - there is cheating and lying and money grabbing etc etc. Again I sit there and I have to ask myself the question. I know that I don’t participate that much in the system with people, but boy oh boy how much of what is depicted in these movies really happens to and by people and why do we find this entertaining? So 2 questions came up in me - how much of this is based on real life stories? I mean towards the end of the movie every one of the family members was having an affair. I was like WHAT?? Ok so if this is slight dramatization - lets say of even 40 percent of it was true,  - then that is seriously messed up. Yikes. Next question was why do we find this entertaining - the nastiest of human behaviour? I mean for me as someone who studies and wants to understand the human mind and human behaviour it was, as this blog indicates a lesson about human behaviour and also about the human mind and entertainment. I did not enjoy the movie in the least because as I have now summarized it was about decrepit human behaviour, which is encapsulated in the family system into acceptable dramatic behaviour - which sorry to say is not only Hollywood 'dramatization'. This is what happens in many family environments - an outlet for emotional and reactive mind patterns, in an environment where you get away with it because of a belief that family must take each others 'stuff' and allow each other an acceptable platform for being 'who they are'. Ouchy.
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Sunday, November 23, 2014

Day 176: Living by the principle of self honesty Part 2

The rest of the 'Principled Living' series:




Continuing from:

"Therefore, using self honesty allows oneself to set yourself back to zero so to speak where you give yourself the opportunity to see ones mis-takes, to align them to how you see you would like to speak/live/act, and this allows one next time to speak/live the correction. For example sticking to 'I spoke and then realized I did so out of fear'. Once I use self honesty to initially see that this was my starting point, then I either use writings (will explore more later) to open up the design of how I got to 'speaking out of fear' and all of its various dimensions - which if un-cleared/undirected will keep the point existent in the mind, which will simply mutate itself into new patterns/behaviours. Therefore self honesty does not merely stop at the point where one goes 'oh I spoke there out of fear' - it allows one as I mentioned to look deeper into all the 'puzzle pieces' so to speak of this one design. For example 'speaking out of fear' - if I use writing or immediate investigation within myself (method 2) I will find the design aspects such as childhood memories/experiences, emotions, people involved, reasons, excuses, justifications, wants, desires etc…"


As an example - lets say with 'talking from fear', I realized that this habit came from a childhood memory where I was in class and the teacher started yelling at me accusing me of cheating on my homework and that I wrote down the answers from a piece of paper on her table etc etc. In that moment I knew that I did not cheat and did not write the answers down and experience bewilderment, embarrassment because all the kids now believed I am a chat, I experience anger and mistrust that a teacher would do this and so forth. All of these experiences as 'puzzle pieces' imprinted into my mind as a fear of communication , -where in the mind this experience was now used as a reference point as I started growing up. Therefore in similar situations where someone would ask me about the validity of what I have done, I immediately go into fear and access all of those points of anger and resentment, which throughout my life cause secondary consequences.

For example lets say further in my life I created conflict situations because now I from fear and resentment at being questions, attack people verbally or try and cut them short without explanation etc. This in itself as time goes by, as I am sure we are all able to relate - will compound into secondary patterns, where the conflict now grows further into fear around communicating with people. Eventually the mind builds coping mechanisms such as lying when confronted or avoiding jobs with greater responsibility because of the fear behind being held accountable or fear of confrontation. This furthermore creates consequences where to avoid having to communicate about certain points to people I see as authority, I will lie and then if I get caught in the lie, I will blame my actions on another person, which then leads to an authoritative personality to avoid people questioning why I think I can blame others. Therefore my personalities get louder and more abrasive and I find myself becoming a 'harder person' who others will 'fear' confronting or questioning. So here fr example the mind will build a fear creating personality to not have to face the fear within self….

So you see how one childhood experience can expand in the mind over the years into adult patterns/behaviours. And as time goes by we contribute new layers to the original pattern - all because of the minds inherent nature to protect itself - and therefore it adapts. So if one did not pick up on this behaviour - then think how differently conversations would turn out - the outcome would be a very different story then the truth behind what is really going on. And this is why we as humanity are habitually acting constantly out of self interest in the way we speak, act and think - because we have never really been taught the ability to be self honest about who we are and are never effectively taught methods of how to direct experiences, this mostly being due to the fact that nobody has actually assessed whether these experiences we call 'being human' or normal human behaviours is actually what is best. Therefore, in our child-programming platforms such as classrooms, childhood social setups, home environments, the effects of media, television, music on the development of children etc - all of these experience shaping platforms are all seen as 'normal' and 'acceptable' where we don’t trace the problems to these institutions.

Artwork: https://www.facebook.com/andrewgableart
Self honesty though, is also a choice and not a choice lol let me explain. Self honesty always exists - you are always what you are. I would say that 2 forms of self-honesty exist. If I have nasty thoughts about myself then I can tell you 'I have ugly thoughts about myself' - this is me being self honest. But then there is being honest about who self really is - the best self can be - and therefore by saying 'I have ugly thoughts about myself is not self honest - it is in fact self dishonesty - I am not honouring myself. So initially - when one starts to walk the process of 'self honesty - what I have found is that one goes through the initial phase of revealing to self everything that exist inside of self, ones true thoughts, feelings, emotions, behaviours, feelings, possessions etc. Then one starts looking at what is it that I would like to live as 'my utmost potential', as that which is best for me, which is what is best for all - and this is where one becomes 'self honest'.

I could continue to live blissfully unaware of my words, thoughts and deeds and create a life for myself where I seek out in every moment to be the best, feel the best, live my utmost potential - in the world system, where the emphasis is on personal self-interest, or in self honesty I know that I cannot say the world is 'messed up' if I don’t start addressing me in the global soup of messed upness lol...

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Sunday, November 2, 2014

Day 169: The Paranormal Series part 30 - Demons vs. Angels part 17

This blog is a continuation from:



"So, I lived in this little room and spent most of my time talking to spirits and watching television. Obviously the rest of the time I would go out with D either to clubs, or dinner or to a pub for drinks, and obviously was constantly on edge of what would set him off. It was always unknown what would set him off. It was funny, because observing him, I noticed that he really was similar to an interdimensional demon - a being that was consumed with such jealousy and/or rage - that they were completely 'stuck' in that experience where they became completely lost in and as the anger and rage. Therefore, one could say that the being itself was gone and now purely existed in a state that would fluctuate between anxious, agitated and slightly suspicious to full blown attacks all because of the slightest trigger... "



The trigger as I mentioned could be anything. We could be talking about the weather and I would say how I enjoyed cooler days because then I could go walking in nature and he would all of a sudden change in his body posture and facial expression to 'something else' - almost as if he was breathing in a demon - and then he would reply 'yes I bet you love going for walks in nature with your male friends because then you can have the privacy to f*ck them!' and BAM this would then simply escalate into accusations, death threats, insults and physical abuse. His favourite was to threaten to kill myself, my fiends or family. Sometimes he would get on the phone to a friend of his whom he claimed worked as a bouncer in a night club and on the side he worked for money laundering companies who would have people physically beaten up for not paying their debts back. So often, he would in the middle of one of these arguments get on the phone and call this guy and 'ask' him to come and 'take care of a problem for him' and this would then mean hurting one of my fiends or family. Obviously, because I did not know what either him or his 'friend' were really capable of, at first I would try and laugh it off, but the one day he called the guy and after ending the call said 'ok he's on his way' and after a while I started panicking that this could be for real and started pleading with him to stop.

Since that day he knew that this particular threat would work on me and thus used it often. So - as you are able to see I lived in constant anxiety, but the fear of having to go out there and face a job where I would experience the misery of 'slave labour' day in and day out was even harder for me to stomach. This was especially, because of the fact that I had over the years, slowly emerged myself more and more into my spirituality, reading and communicating about my spirituality to my guides and within this found myself withdrawing more and more from people and from the rules and games I found very stressful about 'society'. And considering that my first real relationship or experience of 'love' fell flat on its face - meaning that the bubble got burst for me with regards to my desires of a happy, loving relationship - I let go off the ideal of eventually being happily in love or happily married, and withdrew further and further into my 'spirit world', if you want to call it that.

How I experienced being around even disgruntled demons, which in itself was, especially for a spiritually sensitive person like myself - intense - meaning where I could experience the 'emotions' so to speak of the spirit - this was still easier for me than the emotional and mental games played by and between us humans in society. Mostly, because there I could sit very still on my bed with my ouija board and the 'chaos' so to speak would occur around me, but not to me. You could say I became desensitised to the chaos that the spirit world could bring. I mean, in the beginning J taught me about demons, where after introducing me to guides and spirits connected to wicca on the ouija board, he asked me if I was ready to communicate with demons. This initially was somewhat nerve wrecking as bot of us could actually feel the wind move past our faces as the beings whipped through the air. We could feel them touching our faces with either icy cold or hot sensations. We could hear them whispering in our ears and we could experience, as I mentioned, their emotional states as they moved also from calm one moment to agitated the next. Initially for me (and for J he admitted) this was unsettling, but as J assured me, our 'guides' would not allow the demons to harm us and would make sure after a while, when we were done communicating, that the demons would leave. This was explained to me as something that was not always the case for people who simply used the ouija board, but did not have any 'protection', where once they were done and they asked the demons to leave, the demons would say 'bi-bi' but then still hang around and cause problems later on...
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Sunday, October 26, 2014

Day 165: The Paranormal Series part 26 - Demons vs. Angels part 13

This blog is a continuation from:



In my previous blogs that I have done on for example serial killers or rapists or child molesters, I drew a parallel between the 'feeling' systems of these 'criminals' as they became addicted to the 'feelings' that were generated by the mind as they followed through on their actions, to the feeling systems that you and I might participate in - it all comes from the same mind systems, only difference is that a serial killer might not have the morality programming stopping him on acting out his addictions, whereas we do - and thus we act according to the rights and wrongs set out by society. But, the point is that these addictions to our 'feelings' are all from the same mind designs as base framework from which we all make our decisions. So, here one might shout at me and say 'it is just not the same thing dam you!!' Really? Have you paid attention to the slave labour trade where people work in dirty, dangerous factories for minimum wages so that you and I can go to the mall and buy excessively? Have we paid attention to the fact that each time I say to myself 'I just have to have that item' and I go and buy into consumerism, I am buying into a feeling and behind it is an entire industry that abuses people and our natural resources to feed me the end product of a possession? So how is Ted Bundy's Possession different to that of a demon, to that of the rest of humanity who become possessed by and are dictated to 'feelings'? How many people act on anger? How many of us have acted on jealousy? How many of us have acted on feelings that come up inside of us, that lead us to take action, because we believe that these feelings are real? Did Ted Bundy not believe the thoughts and feelings and urges he had were real and thus he allowed himself to follow the possession, because the outcome gave him relief and made him feel good? How many wars are fought over people's feelings? I believe god exists because I get a feeling inside my body that he is with me - therefore I will declare war on other people who 'feel' different Gods'. Mmmm fuzzy logic.

What I have come to realize over the years, as I look back at my Wicca experiences as I do when I really look at all the things I tried to do and attain, was that it was my drive for positive experiences, to feel empowered and for that ultimate desire that exist in each one of us to be a super star in my own life lol. So again, I reiterate, which I know was something that did not come through clearly in my video series, that I am not supporting one religion over another. I am sharing that I realized that all religions and the pursuit to belong to a religion from what I have come to understand, exist as a part of the inherent nature of the human to belong to something, to feel special and to create with ones mind an environment in which one can really create any reality of ones choosing. I mean in ones mind, we can really create any belief system and use small aspects based on reality to confirm that our religious belief is valid. Therefore whether one is a Satanist or Christian, it all comes down to the same factors existent within how one finds a belief system that supports ones personalities.

For example, J and I use to spend so many hours performing magic and 'raising energy'. Raising energy, basically involved us doing specific , you could say a combination between a trance, dance and meditation movements - whereby one harnesses or 'takes in' the energy from earth. Therefore we would either spend long evenings at his house 'raising energy' over candles and music, or we would do this wherever I was house sitting. House-sitting became a little job of mine, which I quite enjoyed, because it meant that I was out from under my moms feet so to speak, while earning a bit of an income, whilst having my own space to do my own things, of which Wicca was of course a large part. Especially considering that J and I would often be on the Ouija Board talking to spirits - this is definitely something that we could not do openly in front of either his parents or my mom, therefore we relished the opportunity to do so in our own 'private space'.

In 'raising energy;' - we were essentially, as the starting point of what we were doing drawing energy from the earth, for us to use in attaining or achieving outcomes that would be in our favour by castings spells and directing the energy into our spells. Therefore you could say we were participating in the same consumerist mind set as any other religion, where one partake in some form of ritual be it by doing your duty and going to church and thus appeasing a god or completing some satanic ritual - where it all came down to us trying to out do and out compete the rest of humanity, by adhering to a spiritual/religious practise which would allow us to get what we wanted in life. So the question I have been asking ever since is whether spirituality and religion in any way actually support the human more than it being another consumerist trap of finding ways to make oneself happy, because in life we just don’t get what we want, because this current money system does not allow for individual freedom of expression and thus religion provides for mystical methods and at most 'hope' through which one can bride and conjure good fortune. This is actually quite sad, if one look at it, because religion and spirituality is portrayed as an essential developmental part of the human, yet if you take a closer look you will find that it is merely about buying ones happiness as a result of our capitalistic system. I spent many hours trying to draw and manifest a better life for myself through my beliefs, my faith and the techniques I used to channel energy into my intentions (magic).
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Friday, January 18, 2013

Day 88: International Crime Research: Mass Murderers Part 2: Mass murder by individuals


This blog is a continuation from:

Day 87: International Crime Research: Mass Murderers Part 1


Taken from Wikipedia:
Mass murderers may fall into any of a number of categories, including killers of family, of coworkers, of students, and of random strangers. Their motives for murder vary. A notable motivation for mass murder is revenge, but many other motivations are possible, including the need for attention or fame.Examples of mass murderers include James Eagan Holmes, Adam Lanza, William Unek, Campo Elías Delgado, Jeff Weise, Woo Bum-kon, Martin Bryant, Ahmed Ibragimov, Baruch Goldstein, Robert Bales, Omar Thornton, Nidal Malik Hasan and Charles Whitman.


Revenge: Thought (picture)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a picture of what I believe is the wrong doing of another, to me or something I value,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing when and after holding onto this picture as a memory of what I perceive was done to me by another, to use the picture as a way of feeding existing fears, angers and resentments I have developed throughout my life, in relation to similar points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this picture as an animated thought to 'pop' into my mind from time to time, after which I will start negotiating inner reactions towards this memory as picture - whereby I am now slowly starting to create an energetic charge in relation to this picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge this picture energetically (negatively) due to pre-programmed likes and dislikes, which are now creating conflict within me as I battle between my ego, which wants me to win, to succeed, to be right over others and therefore this internal battle is created from the vantage point of how do I win in the future over others using the past, as memories from which I will plot my next step.

Backchat/Inner conversations:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now start having internal conversations with myself based on this picture that pops into my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the picture, to now create scenarios based on the what ifs, the ways I should have or could have dealt with the past, which is basically me not looking at the fear reaction I experiences in relation to the past memory, but instead now conjuring up ways of fighting in the future to be the winner - therefore becoming the one that harms others in self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to CONvince myself in my mind that others are at fault, not allowing myself to realize that the actual experience within me is one of an emotion reaction of doubt, fear, annoyance, embarrassment.
Myyy PRECIOUSSS!!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use inner conversations to plan how to in the future act in a way that will allow me to win over the other person, instead of realizing that my emotional reaction is fear based, the fear of losing face, of looking bad and of losing out in life - wherein I am not willing to realize that the war/fight/stance I plan in my head to be spiteful or get back at another - is actually only as a result of my fear towards what I perceive others are doing or are able to do 'to' me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this inner dialogue to become 'the how' I deal with people and situations, not realising that I am now more and more distancing myself from this actual reality, from the conversations required between myself and others to practically find solutions, instead of rash, final actions and harsh words where I 'deal the final blow' as reaction - to 'be the winner'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now create internal conversations around the idea of getting revenge on another, in my beLIEve that this will correct the past and allow me to 'feel better about what happened, without me considering the practical implications of such an act, in that it only serves to exacerbate the emotion/feeling energy systems, and has no practical purpose for this reality - as it only creates further cycles of anger and revenge.
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