This is a continuation from:
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/this-is-continuation-from.html
Personality example of a user
of Child Pornography:
To recap: the following blog is
written from the perspective of familiarizing myself one and equal with the
mind, character and personality of someone who watches/consumes child
pornography. By walking equal to the mind of the user, I am able to draw from
it, the contributing factors from the initial thought to the decision that is
made to watch child pornography and how the mind is further fueled through
backchat and behaviors, until in time, the characteristic is defined and
directs the being into action, through an accumulation of memories, thoughts
and experiences. I am not a user or producer of child pornography and do not condone or support the use thereof - by blog exists as a character evaluation - from which I apply self forgiveness, to deconstruct the design of the Child Pornography user/manufacturer. What follows is specific self-forgiveness on the
characteristics within the write-up. I suggest - as you read the self-forgiveness and writings - and you have any thoughts or experiences - to add your own self-forgiveness in the comments section.
“The
thought to first start watching child pornography came up as a feeling in
connection to a picture of a child’s naked body. At first I experienced a
tingling within my body, which moved up from my groin into my chest, arms and
down my legs. I had experienced this similarly to watching other pornography, but
what started happened in my mind was that I experienced the thoughts which
directed me further and further into the decision to watch child pornography –
thought such as ‘their flesh is so young’, ‘is this wrong?’, ‘what if I get
caught watching this?’, what if my parents see what is on my computer?’ and
‘would a child respond sexually the same as a woman?’ As I had these thoughts,
I experienced myself becoming more and more intrigued and the intrigue
stimulated me sexually. Somewhere from within my body, from my groin and moving
up my spine until my neck felt numb – came an energy which I learnt to associate
with the fear of getting caught and the primal shock I experiences initially as
I asked myself the above questions. From there my interest in child pornography
was not based on a rational choice, I found myself drawn in though the response
I had to further questions within my mind towards other images, towards the
potential threat behind me watching these images and my own uneasiness sitting
there being faced with an image of a naked child – causing me to want to
masturbate. When I first started exploring sexuality, I did not at any point
react sexually to children (as I started exploding sex, masturbation and
pornography - between the ages of 15 – 22). It was a sudden interest in the
images that developed due to a response from my body, which was then fueled by
my mind through justifications as to why these images are enticing. From there
I experienced a combination of initial mistrust towards my own experience, but
this did not last long as the energy of shame and guilt towards my own sexual
reaction, turned to a new thought which surfaced where I simply knew that I
liked it. Somewhere from within me, from within my mind I became more and more
comfortable with seeing images of naked children, having thoughts about their
flesh which I would normally have about woman and then empowering my mind through
further thoughts which made me feel alive with energy, as I was pulled between
morality and sexual pleasure. I identified within myself – that a part of me
was seeing the child’s body symbolically – as if seeing the shape of their
bodies and the innocence they represented, triggered an interest within me,
which was channeled by me into sexual pleasure. The other part of me concocted
images and combined them with irrational thoughts, which led me time and time
again after that to seek the same experience. At times especially in the
beginning I would experience shame after I masturbated, however if I then for a
few days would stop masturbating to child pornography and attempt to use adult
porn, then I would almost feel numb during the whole experience and once I
would return to the images of naked children, it felt as if my body became
ablaze with sexual energy. At times I
would rationalize this to myself as ‘well it is happening to me therefore it
must be a natural part of myself that requires expression’ or ‘maybe it is not
about the child but about how the child represents the confined placed by
society on sexuality – therefore I am responding to an image which is condemned
by society, through which I may experience the ultimate release.’
After
a few years of using basic imagery only occasionally – only enough for me to
rationalize as acceptable and not ‘out of my control’ – I started thinking
about whether different images contained different experiences. I wanted to
understand more and see if I could open myself up more. I found a website after
a very specific search and came across a link to a website where the owner
would give out links to images depending on your level of involvement with the
website. Obviously as a beginner I had to start somewhere – so I decided to
push ahead and after a few months I received anonymous links to images that
were very different to what I was use to. As I watched these pictures I allowed
myself to feel what these pictures did to me. In the end I distinguished
between specific images to which I had specific experiences and from this my
fascination focused itself ultimately to the acquiring of specific footage and
imagery that would stimulate me. I found
my mind reacting to the images with short burst – which at times were
unidentifiable as the thoughts moved so fast. All that I would experience were
short sentences, followed by physical sensations throughout my body, and if I
kept flicking through the images, I could build the physical reactions until I
would have my orgasm. Something inside of me always drove my reactions to these
images and therefore the game became about knowing which pictures meant what to
me as I had come to know what sensations or thoughts triggered my responses to
the images…”
Self-Forgiveness on:
“The thought to first start watching child pornography came
up as a feeling in connection to a picture of a child’s naked body. At first I
experienced a tingling within my body, which moved up from my groin into my
chest, arms and down my legs. I had experienced this similarly to watching
other pornography, but what started happened in my mind was that I experienced
the thoughts which directed me further and further into the decision to watch
child pornography – thought such as ‘their flesh is so young’, ‘is this
wrong?’, ‘what if I get caught watching this?’, what if my parents see what is
on my computer?’ and ‘would a child respond sexually the same as a woman?’
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to connect a pleasant feeling to seeing images of naked or
sexually active children.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to design a tingling sensation within the physical body,
which is a system design that influences the physical whereby it superimposes itself
into the physical senses, back into a mind pattern which associates the
sensation as pleasant.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to design a system, which manipulates me through unknown
stimulus, to react to images of naked children or sexually active children.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to design my body and my mind into a system whereby I have
attached certain pictures,
memories, feelings, ideas, likes/dislikes and
reactions/behaviors to the images of naked or abused children.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to create a system out of
sex, whereby I have taken all the
points of stimulus from within the secret mind, and connected that through the
sex system to my groin, whereby I will loose sight of the reactions I am really
having from what happens in my groin to the stimulus response within my mind –
not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am allowing these images to
stimulate me because I have already given permission to the system design
existent from my mind to my groin and through the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing thoughts such as ‘their flesh is so young’ to exist within me and
to trigger chemical reactions within my body of pleasure.
I forgive myself for having
accepted and allowed thoughts such as ‘their flesh is so young’ to permeate
through my mind for the first time, after which I as the participant allowed
myself to give permission to me, with regards to what I will do with this
thought and how in that moment I will sit there
masturbating, thus energizing
the thought into existence within my mind – as it now becomes a backchat
pattern that will emerge frequently as part of my sexual gratification game.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing the thought ‘their flesh is so young’ to exist as a point of
stimulus – because I had firstly created this system design based on the
premise of positive feelings which I connect to words, ideas, people and images
– whereby I now see, realize and understand that this system was designed by me
fully conscious of how I used connection points between things to feelings – so
that I may experience sexual gratification. Therefore I now realize that by –
in the first place connecting ‘good feelings’ and pleasant reactions within my
body as chemical responses to words, people, pictures and ideas – I am tacitly
agreeing to the design of myself as for example ‘someone who watches child
pornography for sexual gratification.’
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to exist as a pre-programmed entity – which secretly
connects images, people, words and ideas to my own sexual gratification –
wherein my lack of self responsibility with regards to my thoughts indicates
that I am responsible for myself becoming an abuser of children – and that no
god or devil did this to me – because I already designed and implemented my
reactions as physical responses to words, people, images and ideas.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to secretly
design my own system of gratification and then
blaming a god or DNA or some force beyond my control for who and what I have
become as child abuser – not realizing that I in fact am able to trace my thoughts
and how I created relationships between physical reactions and images, people,
words or ideas.
Therefore by stating that
having physical reactions to pictures in my mind – I am indicating that I exist
as an entity that secretly connects lines between memories of people, words,
images and ideas in my mind – and through that generate energy to fuel my
addictions – therefore becoming the leech that benefits from abuse – while I
hide behind ‘free will and ‘individuality.’
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to specifically use fear in the form of thoughts such as
‘what if I get caught watching this? – to stimulate me sexually, through the
release of energy throughout my body as I am faced in that moment with the ties
that bind me as my own morality.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to use my own morality of good/bad as a catalyst, from
which I bounce in-between polarities, thus generating the flow of energy as I
experience myself being pulled between right and wrong, which imprints itself
into and as me as a pattern within my mind –which then becomes automated – as I
play the victim to my morality – while wanting to experience gratification –
thus using this character of conflicting morals – from which I allow myself to
become an abuser.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to use the polarity of right and wrong as I was taught in
schools and by my parents –to experience sexual gratification and stimulus – as
I go to the negative polarity – experience the energy of shame/repulsion and
then use thoughts of happiness to pull myself towards acceptance of what I am
doing. In school and in the parenting/family system I was taught the system of
punishment/reward – as I was taught that to get rewards you have to first do
something bad/be punished. Eventually doing something bad carried an energy of
excitement or disgust – which is then by the nature of the cycle of the pattern
– followed by ‘doing the right thing’ within the system – which is then
experienced by me as I watch the faces of those who see me ‘doing the right
thing’ and I would then experience the release of energy (later becomes orgasm)
as I feel the energy of ‘doing the right thing’ and being accepted/saved within
the system.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself as child pornographer to use the face of the child who
looks at me questioningly – as the face of the person who asks ‘why’ – which stimulates
me into masturbating myself into the energy release as I give myself happiness
– which I have equated according to the equation above as ‘the right thing’.
Therefore - I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to use images of children looking sad or
anxious while being photographed as picture presentation during which my secret
mind uses the equation I was taught as a child – in which I now am being
questioned for my bad deeds, which stimulates me to masturbate as I feel the
energy of being bad which I have come to accept as a pleasant energy – due to
me connecting fear and failure to an energy that build up that requires
releasing through ‘good things – which is what bringing my
hand to genitalia
does for me – as the parent and director of myself in that moment – as I remove
the negative experience through the up and down rubbing of the genitalia.
I commit myself to show how
using memories and points of reference such as pictures, knowledge, words and
people – within the mind only exist based on the character who wants to please
self by using others.
I commit myself to show how not
living here in the physical, practically in self responsibility – but instead
creating vast networks of relationships with images, ideas and thoughts in the
mind – eventually allows one to creates characters to participate with in
separation form this physical reality – which then allows us to abuse life in
the physical as we merely exist in these relationships in the mind.
I commit myself to show how the
relationships we exist within and towards in the mind as the characters we have
created are given permission to by all in the world – while the consequences as
abuse happens in the physical reality to others.
I commit myself to show how
humanity and all our ‘
evil’ actions were designed by ourselves through the characters
we created in the mind, whereby we created relationships in the mind to people,
images and ideas – fueled the relationships through energy generation as the
patterns of addiction through which we participate and then collectively give
permission to each others characters – so that everyone can carry on living as
characters and not have to
take responsibility for the harm done to and within
the physical.
