This blog is a
continuation from:
"Sitting alone either house sitting or in my own room, I would allow the 'spirits/demons' that came through the ouija board to vent about how bad their lives were, why they died and in most cases why they hated god and 'heaven'. I was sinking further and further into melancholy, because nothing would shake me out of this pit I had dug for myself and in fact my search for spirituality trapped me further and further, because remember I had come from years of 'trusting' my faith, my spirituality. Therefore, when my choices as my consciousness and that which I was not consciously aware of which I called 'spiritual path' - failed me -I justified everything away to it being a difficult spiritual path for me to walk - and so I continued…"
For example, as I mentioned previously the guides when I would ask them about why 'they' allowed this person to come into my life, they would answer that - and here things get even funnier - that it was because of my specific role in the 'design of heaven'. One day I am again angry and frustrated and hoping that somehow my guides would help me to change things by telling me what to do or by miraculously being able to change my reality from some greater 'scheme of things'. But again the guides tell me that my suffering up to this point had been a very specific part of what was to come in my spiritual training and that now was the right time for me to be told what this special 'spiritual path' was, as they could see that I had dedicated myself to my spiritual life and was at peace one could say with the fact that I would never really fit into the 'world system'.
Now remember at this point I had left my job managing the horse farm and for a while I lived with 'the boyfriend' after which I decided to move into a free standing little spare room that my mom had on her property. The boyfriend - lets call him D - his mom's fiancé died and the house we were all living in was to be sold. His mother was going to be moving into a smaller 2 bedroom apartment, so I decided to rather move into the extra room at my moms house, where there would be a bit more space and a bit more privacy.
At this stage the abuse was already escalated to physical abuse. He did not hit me, but he use to strangle me, or shove me hard up against walls. As I mentioned though in my previous blog, I justified why I would 'make' myself live with this life rather than having to again survive in the system. My previous job as horse farm manager was for a very minimum wage, for a lot of work and this left me so bitter towards the end that over the 2 year period of working there and barely scraping by with just being able to buy myself food, I developed an intense dislike for the idea of again having to work long hours for someone else's comfort and luxuries. That, together with the fact that my previous experience trying to find work in the city where, as I explained I could not find work due to 'affirmative action' and the 'humiliation' I experienced of having to walk the streets asking for work - all of these factors together - contributed to the decision I made to take the abuse I endured from the boyfriend which happened lets say twice a week - over what I considered was daily abuse in a world/career environment
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