Day 6: Drunk and Horny

Last night after I wrote my previous blog: ‘Day 5 Radical changes made to Rape Laws’ – I had an interesting dream.  I dreamed about a guy I use to know when I was a police reservist. He was married and his wife was pregnant, but he was into messing around with other woman. At quite a few police parties he tried to wangle his way into my pants. After one such evening, where we had a braai (barbeque) at the police station, he got very drunk and attempted the whole evening to get me to go off to some dark corner and have sex with him. I was somewhat intrigued by all the attention he was giving me as he was a very ‘attractive guy’ with a ‘well-built body’. So I played hard to get because I was still a virgin and very shy when it came to guys and also had made the decision that I would not do anything with him because he was married. 

This particular evening the 2 of us were catching a lift with a lady who was off being intimate with someone in a dark corner. It was cold, the party was over and now we were ready to go home. The two of us decided to sit and wait in the car for our lift. After a few minutes he again starts rambling on about how he wants to have sex with me and leans over (we are both sitting in the backseat) to try and kiss me. I stop him and I pull away, realizing that this situation was not to be encouraged and firmly explained to him, again that I was not interested in doing anything with him. 

He drunkly mumbles something else, leans forward and locks the two front doors. Watching him, I cannot quite grasp what it is that he is doing, until he locks his back door and leans across me to lock my door. My brain tells me that something is wrong, but at the same time I try and make light of what I am witnessing and explain it away as ‘he’s probably just playing with me’. He turns and pounces on me, pulling on my shirt with his mouth on mine. I squirm underneath him, realizing due to his intensity that he was being very serious. I struggled with him and found it difficult to say anything as his mouth was kissing mine so hard that he was pushing my head against the seat. He was attempting to undo the buttons on my shirt and alternated between my shirt and my jean buttons.  I am very glad actually that he was so drunk, because I was able eventually to push him off me and yell at him to ‘STOP!’ He sat back in his seat and I sat in mine frozen in disbelief. He stopped any further attempts and I think it was partly due to his inebriation, that he was unable to complete this idea he had to ‘have sex with me’.  After a few more minutes our driver arrives and we go home.

That evening and for a few days afterwards I was in shock. I felt disgusted and uncomfortable within my own sexuality. I was starting to blame and judge myself for having allowed it to ‘go that far’ simply because I allowed him in the past to flirt with me. Being a young woman, I was flattered by the attempts of this man; it made me feel wanted and special. After this event I judged myself for what I had allowed.

It was interesting that I had this dream after I wrote about rape and after applying self-forgiveness for myself from the perspective of accepting and allowing rape in this world.  Therefore I will now expand on the self-forgiveness done in my previous blog with regards to my fear of rape:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the experience I had when I was a young woman where a man attempted to force himself on me sexually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying the word rape and for judging myself by saying I am ‘using such a strong word’ in an attempt to downplay what the man did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be strong and say to myself stop making more out of it than what it was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to now and back then protect the man’s ego, by saying to myself ‘it was just one moment, it was not such a big thing’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to protect my ego by saying to myself ‘don’t speak about it, you’ll just embarrass yourself’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being raped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of flirting with a man.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the actions of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my sexuality, based on the actions of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide away from scenes and stories of rape, because I allow myself to react to the act.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react sexually to images of rape and of woman being overwhelmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse sexuality by allowing myself and others to play sexual games and encourage sexual dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my actions and allowanced for granted and for not taking self-responsibility for what I allowed within myself and within what I was encouraging in another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged myself for not knowing what I was doing and not being aware of the possible consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my sexuality based on not understanding what I was doing and therefore separating myself from my physical body and my sexuality, through fear and judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity within myself based on the desire for a sexual experience and when I have the sexual encounter I program it as disgusting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design sexuality within my mind based on desire and disgust and living this our in repeating patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be programmed by my parents into believing that sex has to happen at certain times, with a certain man, within certain circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design secret mind desires in relation to sex based on the fantasies of rape, dominance and to be desired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire sex and then go into the polarity experience of disgust at self due to past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing past experiences to determine my experiences now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing societal conditions of right and wrong to be the basis from which I have programmed my own sexual behaviors, causing me to judge myself within certain experiences after which I create polarity points between which I bounce from  desire to disgust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself, after what happened, because I believed that I was to blame for what nearly happened because I was flirting – therefore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself after that event to experience desire for flirtation with men but at the same time fearing getting hurt and then not trusting myself because of the fear and inevitably placing myself in compromising positions, fueling the pattern of fear until it because a pattern of self-abuse.

I commit myself to honor myself in all decisions I make, based on self-honesty and practical common sense.

I commit myself to remove and delete all memories, based on ‘remembering what I did right or wrong – through which I keep feeding the patterns of the past.

I commit myself to developing full trust in myself, by clearing the past, clearing my mind and developing self-honesty so that I can trust every word and action.

I commit myself in removing fear from sexual exploration and to trust myself in developing an effective sexual expression, which supports me in my physical and my partner.

I commit myself to honor life, through removing any self-abuse patterns, based on guilting myself or my partner.

I commit myself to develop effective means of communication with my partner so that neither one is ever in a situation of experience discomfort or anxiety within sex.

I commit myself to stop fear and anxiety during sex, within myself by stopping any reactions, memories, thoughts, beliefs and moving myself in self-trust into an effective form of self expression.