My Self-Forgiveness will focus on the following Article:
The Qualitative Report Volume 9 Number 2 June 2004: Sipping Coffee with a Serial Killer: On Conducting Life History Interviews with a Criminal Genius
Author: J. C. Oleson
In each blog I will walk self-forgiveness on different parts of the Article, discussing the developmental aspects of somebody who 'learns to kill'.
This blog is a continuation from the previous blog in this series:
Day 73: International Crime Research: Serial Killers, Mass Murderers and Sociopaths Part 10: Learning to Kill
"But X’s childhood could not explain him. X sprang neither from slum nor broken home but grew up in the bosom of a nurturing family. His father, a religious man, was a deeply principled civil servant, who had worked hard and raised his son to do so. His mother had worked as a schoolteacher but had retired when X’s sister was born. Their home had been comfortably middle-class, and X’s parents were unusually dedicated to their roles as caregivers. Disapproving of harsh or erratic discipline, they had taken great pains to foster feelings of competence and worth in their children."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a false perception within myself and this world that religion has any bearing on the effect, consequences or decision factors of a being, as if a God is magically reaching down from the sky to 'fix things' or to 'watch over things'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when faced with any questions of how I made the decision I did or to explain the responsibility of another within their actions, to immediately seek the irrational, vague spiritual answer, where one creates a loose sense of hope that ones reality is not completely without some form of control - for example:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within the context of discussing a serial killer or some tragic event that has unfolded by and through the actions of man, to within the mind of the reporter/author/storyteller, to create such inner conflict and fear that I immediately tune my dial into the Godly concepts I was spoon fed as a child - where I tap into this pure sense of right and wrong that humanity can still hold onto which is called 'God', which will 'surely still be there to protect us from ourselves' - therefore;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not taking self responsibility for who i have become, and for what and how the world exists due to my direct and tacit agreements throughout my entire life - and to always look for a scapegoat to ultimately at the end either fix things or take the blame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within my mind when dealing with 'evil ideas/people/events' to want to compare what has happened to apparent 'good-elements' within this world - such as in this case where the author attempted to compare this man's choices to his parents influence which by direct result should have been 'pure and godly'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not directly see, realize and understand that the actions and events that are happening in my world such as the victims of a serial killer, directly shows me through my own research that there is no god protecting anybody and through my own investigations as criminologist I am able to do the maths and calculate how such a man came to a decision within years and years of designing such a point within his mind - and that no pre or post influence of any god exists, ever.
I commit myself that when and I find myself searching for reasons and ways that I can direct self responsibility onto another, to stop, breathe and realize what self responsibility as Self entails.
I commit myself to stop any and all fantasies based on knowledge and information, represented as real and 'trust-worthy' and within this to realize that the only trust I am able to live and place is myself within self honesty, self forgiveness, self responsibility within living what is best for all.